Making the Den

6 Mar

Everyone has a job. Whether they leave their home to work or not makes no difference. When we want to let our hair down and put our feet up, we want it to be in an environment where we can totally relax and not have that tense feeling that we all seem to carry around. Even though I love my job, I work around some fabulous people and my boss and employers are fantastic, I do have stress. My stress is anxiety driven, but it is still stress non the less. I am a little slow on the uptake as they say, and I have finally realized that I have to make my house and home a stress free environment.

During my heights of anxiety, it brings on depression and with that, there is no way that I can even handle trying to tackle putting my clothes away, let alone doing the laundry. During this fragile mental state, everything goes by the wayside. One little push can drive me to fall on the floor in tears or scream and cry and want to punch something. These are inside feelings which can’t be outwardly detected by the way. I have gone through this terrible time for months at a time, I have carried the burden of my unbalanced chemicals and when I hit a wall, everything falls apart. Firstly, my home and housework. Mental fragility and mental health issues can create physical manifestations, O.C.D, makes me frantic when I am out of the grasp of the demon called depression, and in the cage with the so called demon, I become a slug, his weight bearing on me so much that I cannot bear to lift my head.

Right now, I am somewhere in between. I am always anxious, but I am not at a roaring O.C.D point when I have to vacuum everyday, but in the same breath, I need all of the canned food labels facing the same direction and the cereal has to be lined up by size. I am not surrounded by the depression cloud either. I am at a medium, lets say neutral state of crazy! This is when I realize that in order to stay here in a more pleasant headspace, I have to keep my environment comfortable to keep demons at bay. I acquired a himalayan salt lamp in a most pleasant way ūüėČ and I also started to light incense every day. I try very hard to keep my living room tidy, which is hard when the kids bring all of their belongings there and just dump stuff everywhere, but I strive to keep an orderly home now. I have everyone pitching in. We have rules that we all tidy up after every meal, that dishes get washed, dried and put away after every meal because I have noticed that when my home is cluttered and awry, so is my head. Clean home, cleanish head.

I put up a bookshelf in my living room and put in an area rug and took out the giant coffee table that I had wanted out for about a year. This, has changed me. I am mama bear, making my den cozy and comfortable and it feels like safe. When I need to relax, this is the room to do it in. Although my bedroom is an oasis as well, maybe I am just starting fresh and adjusting each room as needed for my well being. You may think that I am full of crap, that it shouldn’t matter what is around you, it is all in how you percieve things, you may think that my mind is telling me things which is not true……. to you I say…..welcome to the world of mental health issues. If I was “normal” I wouldn’t have all sorts of unproductive thoughts, I could go for a walk with my children without trying to talk myself out of going right back home because they are the safest there, or have a panic attack driving because I don’t know which road to turn down to avoid a potential collision. There is all sorts of ridiculous thoughts that attack me at all times, every day. If I can relax and feel safe and healthy in my space that I have made for myself and my family, then I don’t care how anyone else feels about my ideas.

That being said…. I must meditate! Good Day!

The Switch

28 Feb

For my entire life I have never had a problem making friends. I am a people person and I love to laugh and have discussions and just have meaningful talks. Over the years I just kept acquiring new friends and keeping all of my old friends as well. Then, not so long ago, maybe 5 years ago….the switch flicked on in my head and in my heart. ¬† ¬† I, like every one else in their lives, grow. I had grown more mature, I had grown in ways that made me like myself more, and some of the friends I was keeping company with less.

 

I realized that in order to keep growing and accepting things I cannot  change and to feed the hungry curious minds of my children that I would just have to let go of some people. I am not saying that they are not worthy of friendship, just that I had outgrown them. It was like I graduated from high school to university. Also, they were full of negativity and one was especially keen to put others down to raise herself up.

There have only been two long term friends who I had to cut ties with, but with the same breath, I rejuvenated a friendship that hadn’t even blossomed to its full potential. I became closer than ever with someone who I had known my entire life. Do you know what’s funny? The fact that one of the friends I outgrew, she was friends with too and we outgrew her at the same time.

This new/old friend has been quite a blessing for me! She comes to visit with her daughter (who is a flipping hoot!), and we just visit, being ourselves. I don’t have to act or be super self conscious, we let each other know when we are needing a visit with each other and that’s that! Another switch flicked on after our last visit. She did a really nice thing and bought me a gift, something that I have wanted for a very long time but would feel guilty if I bought it. I was astounded. I am usually the one who buys the gifts for others, I am usually the one who takes the time and is thoughtful….. it’s rarely done for me! Wow, I was thinking….this feels strange. I am used to my parents buying us stuff here and there, but never a friend! Not unless it’s a holiday or something! Then I thought….that is so strange that I would feel flabbergasted, I would feel so much emotion and gratitude for something that was done because she thought of me. Wow….I have been friends with people who I have called “best friends” and I don’t recall once that either/any of them have been so kind.

When I was younger, I spent all of my time with all of the wrong people. I see that now. I am grateful and lucky now. I have chosen my friends. I spend my time with and talk to,( even if it’s a short message or text), with people who know what a friend’so worth is. I have 2 people who I could hang out with every other day and never fight with. 2 people who are like sisters. ‚̧

Sometimes I get down, way down and I think that I have nobody. I will keep in mind to re-read this entry. It’s hard to be in my brain, and sometimes it’s hard to be around me. For those of you who have stuck with me, who encourage me and don’t avoid the everything that makes me who I am…I love you. Thank you.

Just remember, surround yourself with people who respect you, who you admire, and you will grow, you will feel so much better than spending time with people who just take….emotionally.

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other. ¬†The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place. ¬†Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be. ¬†I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t¬†I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this¬†has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just¬†alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just¬†Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away!¬†I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

Dentist…..Heyyyy……

27 Jan

teethThroughout my life, which has not been drastically long, I would like to say….even though I am on the cusp of 40, I am young damnit! Ha Ha! Anyways….. I have always been perfectly fine with going to the dentist. I actually grew to love going to the dentist. Not that I have a twisted wish for pain or anything, just that I love the results. I see a person’s teeth before anything else and I love the condition of mine. Nice and white, pearly even! Ha Ha!

I needed braces when I was a teen and when they came off, it was like the sun shined brightly through the clouds and there was a choir singing praises for the ever so straight, shiny, sparkling and perfectly straight teeth! That’s what I felt like anyhow. Ever since then, I love going to the dentist.

dentistOver the past couple of years, it has been harder to cope with my anxiety and I see the multitude of things that it effects, I sink my head down in despair over the fact that I know have anxiety at the dentist. This completely bums me right out, to say the least. I want perfect teeth. I NEED to go to the dentist, there is no way around it. Now, my problem is not with anything that you would expect at the dentist, no. It is not the chair, the lights, gloves, drill, suction…..none of it. I can even handle the needle. The one thing that has me in knots and holding my breath, is the freezing feeling in my face. I cannot stand to lose control of anything on my body at all. I can’t feel my whole lip, my jaw, my skin…..this is when I freak out internally and for a very long time. I panic, and I know I can’t run away from the feeling or even do anything to make the feeling come back. It is awful. This is another big reason why I cannot smoke marijuana. I have heard so many times that it helps with anxiety……NOPE! It heightens my anxiety. I hate it with a passion. HATE.

So, the second last dentist appointment that I had, I freaked out afterwards and I was miserable and held my breath, gave myself a headache, I complained and it was not a good time to be me. When I was scheduled back, I made up a lie about how I had a cold and that I wanted to wait until my kids werent sick anymore and just wait it out. I did not go back. They called me about a month after and I decided to go in and just put it all out there and talk to them about it. This was after I saw a posting my friend made on FB about how she needed drugs just to go to the dentist. This was like a lightbulb…..a welcomed light! I went in and talked to them about my anxiety and just like that, I got some anxiety meds for the visit! I was prescribed Lorazepam, which I had never taken and I have heard of it, but never had it. I don’t like drugs and I refuse to start taking anti-depressants regularly, but I will take these if it means I can get my teeth looked after.

So, the day of the appointment, I was instructed to take 2 pills an hour before my appointment. I was at work in the morning and my appointment was scheduled for 12:15. ¬†Of course, at 9am I start to panic. My chest feels tight, I am holding my breath, my jaw hurts from holding it tight and I am worrying, and worrying. Should I have taken one pill the night before to stop this feeling now? They told me to but I thought I would be fine. I am freaking, thinking that an hour before the appointment is going to be cutting it really close, what if they don’t kick in by then? What am I going to do? What am I going to wear? I want to be comfortable, but not look like a slob. Is everything on my face plucked? They get really close to my face! OMG!!!! I look like shit! They are going to judge me if I have one hair coming out from where it shouldn’t be! Ah!

So…..apparently I am more anxious about the dentist than originally estimated!……..to say the least!

I leave work early. I have something to eat, because I have no clue when I will have control of my face and I don’t want to be hungry and frozen. Then, I have a shower because I smell like cleaning products and my hair is a mess. I shower, get dressed in comfortable pants and a shirt that would not be regarded as anything special, but equally acceptable. I sit on the bed and I notice that the drugs have issued their desired effect! All systems go!loraz And then I went…..to sleep! I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes until my inner self told me to get up and do something with my hair. Being I have curly hair….there is a small window to use in order to get anything like a tamed look. So, I did my hair, put my shoes on and sat on the couch until we had to go. My husband had to drive me…..there was no way this mess was going behind the wheel!

I was so chill it was ridiculous! I walked into the office and all the girls looked at me and chuckled! So did I! I knew what I looked like, how I sounded and how I was acting! It was marvelous! I told them…..I feel fantastic! I don’t ever take drugs! “I can tell!” is how they responded!

Needless to say, I had the most wonderful dental experience in my life! I didn’t care that my face was frozen and I could have fallen asleep in the chair! I came home and went to bed though! I slept for about 2 and a half hours! Which was perfectly fine, I knew I would be out of order for a while, and the great thing is that when I woke up, the freezing was gone and I could resume my regular life as if nothing happened!

What a day! Ha Ha!

I will definitely be doing that again! And…..it makes for an entertaining story!

Have a fantastic day!tooth.jpg

The Nut in the Room

20 Jan

I made a small remark on my facebook profile the other day about being super sensitive lately…. I got a couple of jabs, which I was kind of expecting, I mean, seriously, if you are going to share….expect it! Ha Ha!!! And I share everything! It isn’t like I don’t like my privacy, but I have said it before….if any one of my blogs can make just one person feel like they are not alone in how they feel, I have done my job!

So, this year, I have been getting more overtly sensitive. I have always been sort of sensitive, but I could hide it. Now, that is impossible. I went to my children’s school to see them sing with their classes for the Christmas assembly and I was trying not to bawl the entire time! I was wiping away the tears and it wasn’t helping at all! I looked around to shutterstock_123688993make sure that nobody saw my blubbering like an idiot, and to see if I saw anyone else doing just the same as I was. Nope….nobody. Man, I felt like an idiot! Of course I cried when I saw them in their first school performance, but they are 7 and 9 now and I am quite used to it. That was my first episode that made me think that something was different. I get emotional when my period is about to come on, but it wasn’t even close to coming….there was no good reason.

Now, I listen to a friend’s story about how proud they are of something their child has done, I cry. I hear how they feel when someone says something nice to them, I cry. Basically, if anyone tells me of any loving emotion they have about anyone ¬†in their lives and I break. I must be made out of the thinnest glass possible!

People look at me like I’m freaking crazy! There she is! The biggest nut in the room! Crying at the drop of a hat! Ugh!

It was quite embarassing at first, not knowing who or what will make me cry, but over the last 3-4 weeks, I have kind of gotten used to it. Only when I cry at ridiculous things do I get mad at myself! I let out one of those sighs that shake with anguish over my emotions. I know you have heard that sound before! The person who hates the fact that they are crying! That’s the sound I now make frequently! Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband about this, after we had watched a tv show that had us on edge, but didn’t have us in fits over the feelings…..but there I was, Crying again! I told him, you know, my grandma used to say that in our family, our bladders were attached to our tear ducts! She said that just to emphasize the amount that we cry! He chuckled, but I kept on talking and telling him that it has been really crazy! He suggested that it might be because I am off the anti-depressants and now I am feeling everything a little more sharper. I don’t think so. I felt all that when I went off them. This, is a whole different beast all together.

What I think, and he did agree….is this; over the past 12-18 months I have hit a different height of self knowledge. I learned alot of things that I always knew, but just now could I remember and actually face head on. I have been forced to be aware of who I am and what I have been through and learned just how strong I can be. Before this, I unconsciously was cutting off my own feelings to protect myself. Now that I know who I am, now that I am self aware and honest with not only myself, but you as well…..I can be true to who I am. I feel all of the emotions that I kept locked up for so long, fearfull of showing them to prevent further damage to my heart. I know now. I feel now. This is my truth.

That is my epiphany!

knowing-others-is-intelligenceknowing-yourself-is-true-wisdom-mastering-others-is-strength-mastering-yourself-is-true-power-lao-tzuNow, I have a different opinion of being overtly emotional. It is freedom. It is MY freedom. It is me being able to show the world my strength, my pride in fighting and my pride of being a survivor and not a victim any longer. If I feel the emotions of pride so much that I cry, so be it. If I feel the emotions of my friend who is feeling loved by a step child, then I will feel her happiness and end up crying! So Freakin Be It!

I am an empath, and this is the main reason why I feel everyone’s feelings, but I am also a warm, kind, loving and thoughtful person. I will not apologize for my tears any longer, not even to myself….and I have wanted to kick my own ass on more than one ocassion! Ha Ha!!!

So, if you end up in a room with a bunch of people and you see a big blonde lady standing in the corner crying…..that is me! I am the Nut in the Room! Come over and give me a hug, or cry with me! Ha Ha!nutcase-cute