Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Making the Den

6 Mar

Everyone has a job. Whether they leave their home to work or not makes no difference. When we want to let our hair down and put our feet up, we want it to be in an environment where we can totally relax and not have that tense feeling that we all seem to carry around. Even though I love my job, I work around some fabulous people and my boss and employers are fantastic, I do have stress. My stress is anxiety driven, but it is still stress non the less. I am a little slow on the uptake as they say, and I have finally realized that I have to make my house and home a stress free environment.

During my heights of anxiety, it brings on depression and with that, there is no way that I can even handle trying to tackle putting my clothes away, let alone doing the laundry. During this fragile mental state, everything goes by the wayside. One little push can drive me to fall on the floor in tears or scream and cry and want to punch something. These are inside feelings which can’t be outwardly detected by the way. I have gone through this terrible time for months at a time, I have carried the burden of my unbalanced chemicals and when I hit a wall, everything falls apart. Firstly, my home and housework. Mental fragility and mental health issues can create physical manifestations, O.C.D, makes me frantic when I am out of the grasp of the demon called depression, and in the cage with the so called demon, I become a slug, his weight bearing on me so much that I cannot bear to lift my head.

Right now, I am somewhere in between. I am always anxious, but I am not at a roaring O.C.D point when I have to vacuum everyday, but in the same breath, I need all of the canned food labels facing the same direction and the cereal has to be lined up by size. I am not surrounded by the depression cloud either. I am at a medium, lets say neutral state of crazy! This is when I realize that in order to stay here in a more pleasant headspace, I have to keep my environment comfortable to keep demons at bay. I acquired a himalayan salt lamp in a most pleasant way 😉 and I also started to light incense every day. I try very hard to keep my living room tidy, which is hard when the kids bring all of their belongings there and just dump stuff everywhere, but I strive to keep an orderly home now. I have everyone pitching in. We have rules that we all tidy up after every meal, that dishes get washed, dried and put away after every meal because I have noticed that when my home is cluttered and awry, so is my head. Clean home, cleanish head.

I put up a bookshelf in my living room and put in an area rug and took out the giant coffee table that I had wanted out for about a year. This, has changed me. I am mama bear, making my den cozy and comfortable and it feels like safe. When I need to relax, this is the room to do it in. Although my bedroom is an oasis as well, maybe I am just starting fresh and adjusting each room as needed for my well being. You may think that I am full of crap, that it shouldn’t matter what is around you, it is all in how you percieve things, you may think that my mind is telling me things which is not true……. to you I say…..welcome to the world of mental health issues. If I was “normal” I wouldn’t have all sorts of unproductive thoughts, I could go for a walk with my children without trying to talk myself out of going right back home because they are the safest there, or have a panic attack driving because I don’t know which road to turn down to avoid a potential collision. There is all sorts of ridiculous thoughts that attack me at all times, every day. If I can relax and feel safe and healthy in my space that I have made for myself and my family, then I don’t care how anyone else feels about my ideas.

That being said…. I must meditate! Good Day!

The Switch

28 Feb

For my entire life I have never had a problem making friends. I am a people person and I love to laugh and have discussions and just have meaningful talks. Over the years I just kept acquiring new friends and keeping all of my old friends as well. Then, not so long ago, maybe 5 years ago….the switch flicked on in my head and in my heart.     I, like every one else in their lives, grow. I had grown more mature, I had grown in ways that made me like myself more, and some of the friends I was keeping company with less.

 

I realized that in order to keep growing and accepting things I cannot  change and to feed the hungry curious minds of my children that I would just have to let go of some people. I am not saying that they are not worthy of friendship, just that I had outgrown them. It was like I graduated from high school to university. Also, they were full of negativity and one was especially keen to put others down to raise herself up.

There have only been two long term friends who I had to cut ties with, but with the same breath, I rejuvenated a friendship that hadn’t even blossomed to its full potential. I became closer than ever with someone who I had known my entire life. Do you know what’s funny? The fact that one of the friends I outgrew, she was friends with too and we outgrew her at the same time.

This new/old friend has been quite a blessing for me! She comes to visit with her daughter (who is a flipping hoot!), and we just visit, being ourselves. I don’t have to act or be super self conscious, we let each other know when we are needing a visit with each other and that’s that! Another switch flicked on after our last visit. She did a really nice thing and bought me a gift, something that I have wanted for a very long time but would feel guilty if I bought it. I was astounded. I am usually the one who buys the gifts for others, I am usually the one who takes the time and is thoughtful….. it’s rarely done for me! Wow, I was thinking….this feels strange. I am used to my parents buying us stuff here and there, but never a friend! Not unless it’s a holiday or something! Then I thought….that is so strange that I would feel flabbergasted, I would feel so much emotion and gratitude for something that was done because she thought of me. Wow….I have been friends with people who I have called “best friends” and I don’t recall once that either/any of them have been so kind.

When I was younger, I spent all of my time with all of the wrong people. I see that now. I am grateful and lucky now. I have chosen my friends. I spend my time with and talk to,( even if it’s a short message or text), with people who know what a friend’so worth is. I have 2 people who I could hang out with every other day and never fight with. 2 people who are like sisters. ❤

Sometimes I get down, way down and I think that I have nobody. I will keep in mind to re-read this entry. It’s hard to be in my brain, and sometimes it’s hard to be around me. For those of you who have stuck with me, who encourage me and don’t avoid the everything that makes me who I am…I love you. Thank you.

Just remember, surround yourself with people who respect you, who you admire, and you will grow, you will feel so much better than spending time with people who just take….emotionally.

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

Dentist…..Heyyyy……

27 Jan

teethThroughout my life, which has not been drastically long, I would like to say….even though I am on the cusp of 40, I am young damnit! Ha Ha! Anyways….. I have always been perfectly fine with going to the dentist. I actually grew to love going to the dentist. Not that I have a twisted wish for pain or anything, just that I love the results. I see a person’s teeth before anything else and I love the condition of mine. Nice and white, pearly even! Ha Ha!

I needed braces when I was a teen and when they came off, it was like the sun shined brightly through the clouds and there was a choir singing praises for the ever so straight, shiny, sparkling and perfectly straight teeth! That’s what I felt like anyhow. Ever since then, I love going to the dentist.

dentistOver the past couple of years, it has been harder to cope with my anxiety and I see the multitude of things that it effects, I sink my head down in despair over the fact that I know have anxiety at the dentist. This completely bums me right out, to say the least. I want perfect teeth. I NEED to go to the dentist, there is no way around it. Now, my problem is not with anything that you would expect at the dentist, no. It is not the chair, the lights, gloves, drill, suction…..none of it. I can even handle the needle. The one thing that has me in knots and holding my breath, is the freezing feeling in my face. I cannot stand to lose control of anything on my body at all. I can’t feel my whole lip, my jaw, my skin…..this is when I freak out internally and for a very long time. I panic, and I know I can’t run away from the feeling or even do anything to make the feeling come back. It is awful. This is another big reason why I cannot smoke marijuana. I have heard so many times that it helps with anxiety……NOPE! It heightens my anxiety. I hate it with a passion. HATE.

So, the second last dentist appointment that I had, I freaked out afterwards and I was miserable and held my breath, gave myself a headache, I complained and it was not a good time to be me. When I was scheduled back, I made up a lie about how I had a cold and that I wanted to wait until my kids werent sick anymore and just wait it out. I did not go back. They called me about a month after and I decided to go in and just put it all out there and talk to them about it. This was after I saw a posting my friend made on FB about how she needed drugs just to go to the dentist. This was like a lightbulb…..a welcomed light! I went in and talked to them about my anxiety and just like that, I got some anxiety meds for the visit! I was prescribed Lorazepam, which I had never taken and I have heard of it, but never had it. I don’t like drugs and I refuse to start taking anti-depressants regularly, but I will take these if it means I can get my teeth looked after.

So, the day of the appointment, I was instructed to take 2 pills an hour before my appointment. I was at work in the morning and my appointment was scheduled for 12:15.  Of course, at 9am I start to panic. My chest feels tight, I am holding my breath, my jaw hurts from holding it tight and I am worrying, and worrying. Should I have taken one pill the night before to stop this feeling now? They told me to but I thought I would be fine. I am freaking, thinking that an hour before the appointment is going to be cutting it really close, what if they don’t kick in by then? What am I going to do? What am I going to wear? I want to be comfortable, but not look like a slob. Is everything on my face plucked? They get really close to my face! OMG!!!! I look like shit! They are going to judge me if I have one hair coming out from where it shouldn’t be! Ah!

So…..apparently I am more anxious about the dentist than originally estimated!……..to say the least!

I leave work early. I have something to eat, because I have no clue when I will have control of my face and I don’t want to be hungry and frozen. Then, I have a shower because I smell like cleaning products and my hair is a mess. I shower, get dressed in comfortable pants and a shirt that would not be regarded as anything special, but equally acceptable. I sit on the bed and I notice that the drugs have issued their desired effect! All systems go!loraz And then I went…..to sleep! I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes until my inner self told me to get up and do something with my hair. Being I have curly hair….there is a small window to use in order to get anything like a tamed look. So, I did my hair, put my shoes on and sat on the couch until we had to go. My husband had to drive me…..there was no way this mess was going behind the wheel!

I was so chill it was ridiculous! I walked into the office and all the girls looked at me and chuckled! So did I! I knew what I looked like, how I sounded and how I was acting! It was marvelous! I told them…..I feel fantastic! I don’t ever take drugs! “I can tell!” is how they responded!

Needless to say, I had the most wonderful dental experience in my life! I didn’t care that my face was frozen and I could have fallen asleep in the chair! I came home and went to bed though! I slept for about 2 and a half hours! Which was perfectly fine, I knew I would be out of order for a while, and the great thing is that when I woke up, the freezing was gone and I could resume my regular life as if nothing happened!

What a day! Ha Ha!

I will definitely be doing that again! And…..it makes for an entertaining story!

Have a fantastic day!tooth.jpg