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The Need for Change

2 Jul

We all have busy lives that make the days go by really fast, we look up and we see our kids get bigger, our parents get older and life is rolling by. The majority of us, never take time to really relax and serve ourselves, when this is the person we need to care for the most. Yes, we need to care for ourselves the most, who will be there to take care of our children and our parents if we are ill?

Even though I am a vegaquarian (minus the dairy) I feel that this is not enough. I crave salt. I eat some processed foods. This pains me to say it! I look at myself, I feel my muscles and hear things pop and crack, and I don’t have to.  I can change this, I can change my health, I can lose the weight ( which is a never ending and tiring battle) I am in control. It often feels like I am  not. This stresses me out. It’s like the tomorrow that I keep promising myself never comes. I promise myself to not eat anything that comes in a package or things that are non gmo, I promise myself to do more cleaning in the house everyday, I promise myself some real relaxation, I promise to do yoga, I promise to meditate, I promise to have more patience with the kids. I promise to play more with the kids. I feel the need to do all of these things. I always have this need to be a better person, to myself and everyone around me. This feeling terrifies me. What if, I stop trying to be better and just be me? This is even scarier, because maybe I have lost myself. What defines who I am? Have I become the person that I think people want me to be? Am I denying my true self for the benefit of others? Oh yeah…. being inside this little noggin is a weird place to be. Full of worry and never clicking off. Only when I sleep!

But I do think that there are others out there who think like I do. The non stop worry, which means too much thinking about things that I should not worry about. I know it.

So, how do I stop the self destruct timer? Stress is the main cause of all problems! That’s what I say. And it needs to be dealt with! The timer is to be stopped. I will not have this weird anxiety and loss of self to destroy my  life.

I will take care. I will try to let go of things that I cannot change. I am going to enjoy the little things again. We only have one life, and I do not want to waste it worrying and doing things that I do not want to do for the benefit of others and not myself or my family.

Back to the whole foods plant based diet. Back to yoga. Back to no yelling at my kids. Back to letting go.

Oh, to let go. I often wonder if I have to confront those things that I am holding on to in order to let go. I am going to meet with my molester, I am going to talk to him. I am going to let him know the pain he caused me. I am going to tell him the pain, the shock and the anger that I felt when he prayed on me… me….young and innocent at 10 years old. Someone I trusted. It is scary. I am petrified to see him. I am scared to tell him exactly what I think and thought and even what I don’t know how I feel. But, I need to do it for me. I want to do it. I am going to face pain head on. I am going to live. I am going to be strong and it will make me stronger. I am doing this for me.

Yes, it is time for a change. Yes, I am going to live for me and my family. I deserve it. My kids, my husband and my parents deserve it.

The world is beautiful and I am going to see it for everything that it is.

I know I dropped a bomb when I told you about the molesting thing. I know this, because I have only ever told two people in my life. And, the ones whom I have told, I only told them about 5 months ago. It made me feel lighter when I told them. This is why I am free to say it now. On the internet, where information goes everywhere. I am fine with it. I am not hiding behind the pretenses of saying too much. Why? It just pushes down the pain and you feel alone when you don’t have to feel alone.

Change is Imminent.