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Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Mirror, Mirror

27 Oct

Now that I am officially no longer self employed, I feel like I have no purpose. My worldmirror has been flipped upside down and personally, I have no idea how to deal. I didn’t think it would be this way. I thought that I would be fine, enjoy staying at home and being a mom and a wife and keeping up my house, since its been hard to do that for the last 10 years.

Now that I have no job, I am feeling down in the mouth. I was crying yesterday because of it. It is like a weight has been lifted, but then I look around and don’t recognize anything. I’m in a whole new world now. For 10 years, I was not only fulfilling a dream, but also being fulfilled by bringing people joy and for employing people from the community. Now that it is gone, I am reaching for anything to give me that fulfillment and purpose. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am or what I would like to do in life. I have been in an apron for so long, I have no clue how to deal without it. In the last 10 years, I have been raising my children, and running a business. I worked so hard and so much some weeks that it felt like I never saw my children. I remember putting in a 15 hour day and crying by the time I left to go home because I knew I had missed bed time and they never saw me that entire day. Those days were hard. Very hard emotionally and physically.

complaintI think what drained me the most was my strive for perfection. I know, not everything can go perfectly all the time, but I wanted it to. And when I disappointed someone, it killed me. I know for a fact that anyone who runs and owns a small business feels like their business is going under even when they get a small complaint. You go through a small panic attack and it puts your whole day out of whack. I will not miss this feeling.

So, what do I do now? What do I want? Who will hire me? I know, I just want a part time job and focus the rest of my time on my home and children and husband and writing, but what do I want to do for those 20 hours a week? Does it matter?employer Will it define me? Is it going to be embarrassing for me to see people who used to come to me for cakes, now seeing me doing something like serving them a coffee? Don’t get me wrong, I think that all jobs are important and I don’t look down on anyone, but it is quite a change of pace. Like I have to integrate myself back into society as a former business owner, as an employee not an employer. I was proud of my third baby, it’s hard to see her go, it’s hard not to go there everyday, and its hard not seeing Shanna everyday. I didn’t count on all these feelings.

I didn’t count on this depressed feeling. No job. No purpose. No money. Sadness. Rest. Rest? I have never in my life, been without a job for longer than 2 weeks. I have worked work-hard-1from the time I was 12 years old. I created my own job with a friend of walking dogs, and I babysat from 12 as well. When I was 14 I got a job as a dishwasher, then while still babysitting and going to school, I worked at a local pizza place. When I was 16 I took on a babysitting job that started at 6 am, and then I had to pick the kids up at the daycare after school and watch them until 11 pm. I was their mother for a whole year. When I was 19 I was running a bar. I was a bartender, made the schedule, ordered the food from the suppliers, cooked, served and worked the DJ booth when nobody else could. That was a lot of responsibility for a little money. I am not lazy, and now that I have no job, I feel lazy. I know, it has only been a few days, but I am hyper sensitive. I am also on a path of being super healthy and fit, and I had to peel myself out of bed at 5:07 this morning to get to the gym. I have started talking myself up….I have to. This morning I was telling myself to get up, beat the depression monster, don’t let it take over, don’t quit. I deserve better. Work for it. Get results.

Man, a lot of things run through my head everyday now, not just what has to be done at the shop, what supplies we need and who is working, what to make for supper, and what activities the kids have to do on what night.

I know this feeling should pass…..I am not sure when or how, but I know it will. It has to. I guess its one day at a time, baby steps. I had a friend talk me out of eating my feelings last night. She just texted me at the right time, and I confessed how I felt to her. I thought about it and just decided to go to bed instead of having another drink and something to eat. I went right to sleep. It was a good choice, and I hope I keep making them.

Hopefully every day gets easier. Evolution is inevitable, things will move and change, and I have to guide myself where to go and how to take myself there, it is learning how to do it that is key. Anyone know how to pick a lock? ha ha!

A New Chapter

23 Aug

Over the last year and a half, I have been contemplating my purpose. My true purpose. I know I am meant to help people, I am meant to be a mother and a wife. But, am I meant to run a business? To bake for the masses? Maybe. But I am finding everyday life a struggle with so many stressers. I do have an anxiety disorder and stress is not making it any better. Over the last 2 years it has gradually made it worse. rope-frayed-stress-pressure

Now, I have this disorder, which I have to take medication for, which in turn has caused me more anxiety and depression…..not cool. Especially when I have two young children at home who looks at their parents as guides on how to act and how to live their lives, and this is not fair to them at all. To add to it, my parents are not well. My dad has just suffered through his 6th heart attack and my mother has heart problems, anxiety and blood pressure problems herself.

I had to make a choice, and I choose family. I choose health and my own peace of mind that I will have no regrets.

nextI cannot wait to start this new chapter of my life. I plan on getting a part time job somewhere and just living a simple life. Being there for my parents and my children, having a lighter feeling altogether. Maybe even taking a family vacation!

Having a business is not all bad, I love doing what I do! Using my art skills and translating it into edible works of art! How awesome is that? It’s the being the boss bit that I don’t want anymore! I am too much like everyones friend to be a hardass. I can tell you, I have been through my fair share of people taking advantage of me! Some ex employees and some customers! I have done my best!

I feel that I have helped out in small ways as well! I have donated ALOT every year to dozens of charities and events, and I have met some fabulous people as well!

Now that I have made up my mind to sell….. I want it sold! Ha Ha! I am not sure how long it will take, but I have confidence that everything will end up where it should be!

This chapter hasn’t finished yet, you will be the first to know when it does

If you are interested in buying the bakery, I have it listed on kijiji.ca

sale

Slowing My Roll

29 Jun

As of yet, there is no fantastic cure for feeling like your head is about to explode, I mean, how much input can go in and be tossed around and worried about? You would be surprised! Anyhow, since the methods that I have been trying haven’t been working, I think it’s time to try something new. And something a little less destructive.

My husband is the real hero in this episode. He said to me the other day that he thought we were drinking too much and neither of us have been feeling that great. I completely agreed. Our sleeping is off and on, every other night it seems, we are not sleeping well and getting up at all hours. No good. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t expect to take care of our dependants either. Enough is enough.

I have been thinking really hard about taking in more nature, sunlight and just trying to sunrelax more in order to get some much needed rest for my mind. Vitamin D is a great source of natural anti-depressant. So, I vow to spend more time outside, to get more active with my children and to read more books. Once I get into a book, there is no stopping me!

I think that I drank about 14 glasses of water yesterday, I ate normally, which is pretty healthy and I spent the day cleaning my children’s rooms! What a task! My 7 year old’s room looked like three baskets of laundry exploded on his floor! It took me about 5 hours to clean everything! I won’t let that happen again! From now on I will check his room every day and make sure he is keeping up with everything. And to be honest, I felt really great after I had put away all of my kids clothes away and finished the ten  thousand loads of laundry! This is what I need. I need to fulfill my purpose as a mother, a wife and a friend. To do that I must take care of myself and just get through the day, as hard as it can be. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, actions and thoughts again. The never ending guilt and worry and all that goes with it, it is completely real, the feeling of defeat. The feeling that nothing will be right, or that something is wrong and you just can’t figure out what it is. The fear that you have said or done something wrong to someone and not knowing who or what it was. It is not easy to live with this. It’s even harder to live with when you drink. So, no more. Of course, it’s summer now and I will partake in a little bit of drinks now and then, but not every day. That being said, I never drank in excess when my kids were around. They are my first priority. Always.

I know now that I was going through a very very dark time and didn’t really know what to do. I am hoping now that is over. I will no longer cave in to my sorrows and try to cover them up, and by covering them up, I was only feeding them more. I know that now.

kid tieI vow, I will spend time at the beach, having picnics and playing frisbee and baseball with my family. I will drink water in excess and alcohol minimally, I will soak up the sun and tend to my new garden that I  just revamped in my front yard. I will take on the task of putting my kids clothes away and not waiting for them to do it. I will spend time doing learning pages and crafts with my kids. I will try not to worry about the housework as much and worry more about feeding my kids with attention, education and physical activities.

I will make myself better. Until I can see a real doctor who knows about all of this, I will try to manage on my own. I will try to cure myself in every way that I can. I know I will have bad days, but I have to remind myself that it is just one day. That one day does not claim my entire week, month, year or life.

To those of you who know me personally, I thank you for the support you have given me thus far, and I also thank you for the support you will continue giving me during this time, it will be a struggle for me, just know, I know how much you give even when you are just asking me how I am doing or you come to see me just to give me a hug and let me know that you are there, or that you are dealing with the same things.

And now…… to live!

live

Today is a new day!

9 Feb

We all deal with trials and tribulation, with elation and celebration, with down and outs and ups and ins, in that, we are all one. Like it says everywhere nowadays “everyone has a story”. And TODAY, is a new day.sunny

It’s a day to open my eyes and see the pain that others have had. It’s a day to see the struggle in the girl who can’t stand to be touched. It’s the day for loving your neighbour, and it’s the day to forgive yourself.

Life is short, and I know, it is brought to our attention on a daily basis just how short life is. We see it in our newspaper, of the young teacher who is brought down by two people who thought it was a good idea to take her life. We see it in the news, of the utter chaos and lives of families taken in the thousands. We know, and we know it well, that life is short. We never expect it to happen to us. But we are those stories that we read, we are the news broadcasts. That is us. We are here together. We are all neighbours, we are all sharing the rock.

We all have our burdens that we bear, we all have a job to go to and bills to pay and everyday stress, we have mothers and fathers and family to talk to or worry about and pets to feed and walk and find. We all have friends that need support and driveways to shovel. It’s a neverending battle of human life. But this is what we have. We have life. We have today. It was not taken from us yet. We have this glorious and brand new day. Today, we can feel better. Today, we can smile at the neighbour that is strange. We can think about what the stranger has gone through before judging them. Yes, their hair is greasy, and yes, their shirt is dirty. Maybe, just maybe, that person is depressed and having a very bad day, maybe that person did everything that they could to tear themselves from their cocoon of a bed to face the day. Maybe that person needs a warm smile and a nice gesture to know that not all humanity is going to beat them.

Maybe, today is the day to be the person that you think you should have been. It is that day. It is never too late. Say the ” I love you”s, open a door for someone, leave the quarter in the shopping cart, and leave the change at the cashier to help pay for some of the groceries of the next person in line.

Why do we think that we are so important and then brush off other people’s problems? Why? We might think that it doesn’t effect us. Oh, but it does.

I try to instill this into my children all of the time. Everything that we do and say effects someone else. Always. Our words are heard and our actions are seen. What do we want to say to the people around us that watch and listen? It takes effort. It really does. To open your eyes and see the area that we all share. It takes practice and patience. Take it one step at a time. Today, don’t raise your voice at your kids, or don’t judge that person because their pants are too tight. Just go about your day and remember that everyone is an individual and does things their own way. This world would be pretty boring if we all did things the way that you like.

So stop, and think about it.

Today is a new day. Today we have another chance to be “that” person. The best “me” that I can be. The person that you want to be.

Today is a Brand New Day. Take a chance, and give one.new day

Trust Yourself

25 Apr

I went out today to run a couple of errands. I ran into an old acquaintance! It was great to see him and his son, who now towers over him! This man, is also the brother of someone I used to hold quite dear. She was my closest friend for 12 years. We met on the job and became quick friends. During the whole time, I was a very dedicated and generous friend. I listened, I was there, I just knew how to make her feel good about herself and I didn’t have to speak to her everyday, we just picked up where we left off. In the last year of our friendship, something changed. I started growing up and having different opinions and morals and even values. My family is the most important and I was learning that I was important as well. I needed to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. No more nights of drinking, no more hangovers, no more hanging out in garages and smoking and staying up until all hours and having my kids suffer for it. I was the person who would be spritely and upbeat in the morning. I no longer liked myself when I was with her. I could not see eye to eye with her on our very different parenting skills, but I soon found out that she was not the person that I had known for the last 11 years. Then I questioned how much of her experiences and stories that she told me were twisted to make her look innocent. Every relationship that she had during that time that would turn bad, they were always the man’s fault? Hmmm. Somethings just don’t add up. I began to see. I also realized that I was growing and evolving and she was not. I also saw how used I was in the friendship. How many times had I run to her? I put my own life on hold to help her or to be with her. I gave her everything I could. When I trust someone, I love them and I would do anything for them. She took advantage. And she lied to my son. This, I will never forgive her for. She hurt me, but I let her go. She will never hurt me again. I decided to release the bad from my life. Let all the negative people go. I let another person go out of my life in the same time. She was in my life for over 30 years until I could see that she was the same as the other.

This is when I started questioning all of my judgement on people for the last 30 years of my life. But, it was too late to look back now. I was opening a new chapter. A new me. One without any fleshy anchors weighing me down, spiritually and emotionally.

So, As I welcomed a big hug from the former friends brother, I was at peace. It was good to see him, and he was happy to see me as,I know all too well about his struggles with his sister. He let me in on a little bit of insight on what is happening nowadays. And, as he is telling me about the circle of crap that he has to deal with and the fact that he avoids her and his other brother as much as possible, for the same reasons….this just empowered my feelings on my decisions that  I had made with letting her go out of my life 4 years ago. I do trust myself. I will be strong, I will not question whether I should speak to her again, Thank you “J”, for letting me know that I made a good decision, and I am always going to have an open heart and ear towards him, his wife and sons if ever they need to vent. I know your struggle.

Just remember, when you make a tough decision, that actually makes your heart ache, go with it, Stick to your original thoughts and don’t question. If you feel it’s right for you,,,,, do it. You will see in a time. it could be 3 months, it could be 4 years, or it could be instant, that you are better for it!

Trust Yourself