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Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Hatred; The true struggle

19 Nov

I thought I had it good! I closed the business and thought, hey, I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to organize the house, make the kids breakfast every day, do all the housework, make all the dinners and take the kids everywhere they need to go. Well….its not that easy at all first of all, second, I had to really look into how our finances are! Not a good sitchyaysion! Behind payments on some things have to be made, outrageous utility bills needed to be payed, and I don’t have an income. Great. I can tell you that this Christmas is going to be pretty damn slim. So, I keep on, like I have to. I make out a budget for us and go to get a job. The first place I went, I went in without a resume to see just by chance that they needed someone. They hired me on the spot, and I was to go in the next day for an orientation. Well, looking through the pages the manager gave me, I saw that the busy time is on Saturday and Sundays. I had to do some figures, and I knew that this wouldn’t be worth it. I would start at minimum wage, which is something like $11.45 per hour and I would need child care for every shift she put me on Saturday and Sunday. Child care is $10 or more per hour for 2 children. I am damned if I am going to go to work for $1.45 per hour. Just ridiculous.

So, that was a bust. I start from before and really think about staying home. Then I start writing my life story. Not fun because of the memories I have to endure and relive. I got to the part about my early days at the babysitters. This is tough. It’s rough and hard to put down every single word. I have to phrase it like I am writing a story, not like I am writing for you. I have to word it differently, I can’t just write what is in my head at that particular moment. I should try, come to think of it. But, anyway, while I was writing about my early years at Janie’s, more memories came to me. The ones that have been repressed for ummmm…. say, 34 years. Wow….they hit me hard. Pardon my French, but it really fucking sucks. The feelings I have, I don’t even know how to manage them. I felt my face getting hotter, I know I was flushed. Alone, with a typewriter and paper, and I was blushing. I remembered some really nasty shit that he did and the way he hid it just makes my skin crawl. Ugh…. I feel nauseous. He would prey on me when I was playing in the basement, or watching tv in the basement. He could hear if someone was coming. Ugh, I want to vomit. What a piece of shit. I am riddled with rage, embarrassment, guilt and shame already, but now I have an unwavering feeling of utter hatred and disgust. I want to protect that little girl. I want to beat the shit out of the asshole who tried this with her before he got the chance. Who the hell did he think he was? Taking someone’s innocence like that, making  her into someone completely different without a second thought. And then I think, didn’t anyone see? Didn’t anyone notice something? Anything at all? Did my behaviour change? I know that I must have followed Janie around more after that. I remember not wanting to go downstairs when Mark was home. I remember, when he came home, I ran upstairs. Oh man, I just remembered some other things. Him, coaxing me down the stairs, and Janie had no idea. She would tell Mark to keep an eye on me when she was upstairs. Oh God. Here it is folks, a mental cap has been opened. I thought it was bad when I first remembered some of the memories….this. is. much. much. much. worse. These memories are lethal. I am so queasy right now. I keep thinking that the memories have to end somewhere, but they just keep going. I never ever ever wanted to be alone with him. A little girl, innocently watching Sesame Street and playing with her little chocolate baby doll (as Janie called it) and then, in looms the darkness, the face of evil plastered with an endearing face and a fake smile. The used car salesman who sells nothing but crap. Trust me. Come sit with me. Here, give me your hand….ugh…..its much much worse than that, but I will spare you.

I know he was a victim, I learned that earlier this year. It might seem bad of me, but I do not care one iota. I was a victim too. I didn’t do that shit to anybody. It really screwed with my head. I was petrified when I had my first baby. I thought, oh man, I hope I never do that, I won’t do that. I was so scared of myself, it was terrible. I never ever have had thoughts of that before. I was scared to bathe my son. I didn’t want to touch him in case it wasn’t right, or appropriate. I know, I am just a loving mother who wants the best for my kids and to love them, I shouldn’t be a first time mother and have these fears. I blame this all on Mark. He did this to me. I was scared. I know who I am and I know I would never ever touch anyone like that. I knew who I was then too…..but it scared the shit out of me that history would repeat itself, maybe because I have watched enough episodes of SVU to know that most molesters are what they are because it was done to them.

I hate him. My day went to shit because of him. I want him gone, out of my life. Out of my memories. He ruined perfectly good memories of me with his mother. I love her. She was a wonderful care giver, and he ruined everything. He made me scared when I was little, he made me scared of loving anyone, really, and opening myself to my husband. He made me scared of real love and intimacy. He made me scared to touch my baby, even to change his diaper and bathe him. He scared me when I had to talk to him daily while his mother was in the hospital, I didn’t want to talk to him. He is a snake in the grass. He has two faces. He hides his true self. He couldn’t even admit to me that he did anything wrong. He has never told me sorry for what he has done. And I doubt he ever will. He does not make me scared anymore, but I am scared of myself and all of the hateful feelings I have towards him and his oily self. I don’t want to hate him because I love his mother.

I love her and I don’t want her hurt. But, I hate him so much. I know she loves him and always will. I know she will always protect him, and I just can’t seem to face that.

Whew, now all of that, that is my true struggle. Day to day life sucks when you are broke, but it sucks so much harder when dealing with these freaking memories, and when storing all of this hatred.

 

Half Cracked Nut

1 Nov

nutIt has been 8 days since I closed my business. I might or might not be slowly going insane! Ha! I was all torn about my emotions at first, and now…..I am torn about my emotions. But the emotions are a little different now. I know that I will not own a business again, and I will not work full time at something unless I find something that I am super passionate about and still feel that I have enough time to be with my family and run a normal household, like with laundry being done and put away and meals prepped and all the everyday things I can do without stabbing myself in the eye with a fork (on purpose). I hated those days where I worked so much and struggled so hard at getting things done at home that I felt far more inferior than all of the other mothers out there. Never again.

Right now I am in a love/ hate relationship with my mind. Gah! I hate when I think negative thoughts and worry so much that I start chewing the inside of my mouth and doing other anxious ticks, like picking at my head or chewing nails, anything to deal with the worry. I worry that I won’t sell either the bakery as a whole, or for the pieces. I worry that I won’t be able to do anything because I don’t have any money. I worry that I will have to use the baby bonus for the payroll taxes that I owe. Boo….such downer thoughts, but rational I think. I have had about 7 people inquire about buying the business, lots of questions, but in the end, nothing. I know it has only been less than a month that I put on facebook that I wanted to sell, but it has been on Kijiji for the past 4 months already. And! I think someone stole my damn planter boxes from outside my bakery! Like….what? They were brown and pink! Hide those!! How rude! Ugh….things like this….just get to me. I offer myself to work for whoever wants to buy it. I will train people for Pete’s sake! Then I think….what have I done? Why did I open a bakery in the first place?why Not everyone’s hobby ends up as a business, but I loved doing it so much! After a while it became work, with the business stuff, like taxes, money, staff, suppliers, etc. All of that made going to work not as fun. I will bake all day, every day if I don’t have to do any of the bookwork and emails and dealing with money. I will take a paycheck thank you very much.

lovehateSo, I love/hate right now. I love/hate being off work. I love/hate being at home with no money, because if I don’t have it, I don’t spend it. I love/hate cleaning the house constantly. I feel like a half cracked nut, not knowing which way to chose. I know, I should probably be looking for work, and I have a couple of places in mind, but I was really hoping that I could stay off work until the new year and enjoy being home with the kids and taking care of the house for at least two months. Something I haven’t done since I was on mat leave with Morley, which was almost 10 years ago.

My mind has no clue what is going to happen from day to day, and my body just follows the brain! The only thing that I do know right now for sure, is to stay on track with the gym. That is another thing that makes me feel super unstable. I went to a Halloween party, and I drank, and I had some snacks. Nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point I remember looking at a bowl of chips or cheesies and thinking…”ew”, my cousin and her daughter and hubby came over, we had some drinks, there is a big no no for losing weight. Then, last night, I had two candies from the kids stash. I know that isn’t too bad, but bad enough. And, now I don’t know if I am just feeling guilty for living, or punishing myself for something really bad that I did to prevent me from meeting my goal.pain It’s a freakshow in this melon! Gah! I ask myself why? Why did I eat that candy? Is it because I find myself sub human and not good enough to be healthy and live longer? Is it because I am a creature of habit and some habits are hard to break? Is it because I am weak? Is it because I haven’t truly faced everything that I need to in my past? Am I facing it the wrong way and not really accepting it and not really being truthful with myself? Why? Huh? Gawd, I feel so stupid sometimes. Really Amy? You better work hard at the gym tomorrow!

So, I did, I went today and worked so hard. In fact, I came right home to write this! I am still in my sweaty clothes, and my skin is just begging me for a shower! I am going to figure this shit out one way or another. I am going to dive deep. I am going to cry. I am going to yell, and I am going to write. I will find the answer, or answers. Who’s problem? Mine! Who needs to find a solution? Me! Ugh…..covers are looking good! NO!!!! Keep out of that bed! Get that pillow out of your hands. No lying down anymore. Sometimes I am a real bitch! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, if you have any ideas on any solutions to any problems that I can’t see the answers to, please feel free to comment on this blog. I am so ready for some input people! I struggle with my inner self and I really just wonder and worry about things all day long, unless I am at the gym, or I am cleaning. And no, I will not workout and clean 24/7 that is out of the question.

You know what’s funny? I thought that being unemployed for a bit could make me focus on myself and my family more. And the family thing is true, but I have put myself by the wayside yet again! I now go the the gym, but I really need to do some inside work as well. Damn, now I have homework. Any idea where to start?ideas

Gone but not forgotten

18 Oct

I recently stopped taking my  anti depressants. I feel great. I have lots of energy and I get up bright and early to exercise! Tomorrow marks the first two weeks since I have started. I can see a small difference already in my body. My head is also clearer and more happy. I have more goals and different goals than I had ever had. I want to hike. I love hiking!hiking I want to hike the Bruce Trail eventually. I want to run in a marathon. I want to join a baseball team. I just guess I want to do everything that I have never done or never wanted to do before. And just so you know, I am in this for the long haul. I am into being dedicated to my health and physical fitness for life. Yes, I want to be a lifer!

As far as the depression is concerned, it is gone…..but the anxiety lingers. I felt it for the first time again while we were away at the cottage. My husband took the boys into town, about 20 minutes away, and I started to worry. Like, if they got into an accident, there would be nobody to call. I have all of the health information for the boys, they have no phone with them, if someone finds them hurt, how will anyone know that I am at the cottage waiting for them to get back? These, are very anxious thoughts. I recognized it for what it was immediately and started breathing, I took a walk and by the time I was at the end of the driveway, I could see them coming down the road! I knew I was worrying without reason, and this time, I caught it! That nasty anxiety, always wants to rear its ugly head and make sure I haven’t forgotten it!

So nowsad I have come to terms on accepting what has been done to me in the past, and trying to learn and grow from my pain. I feel different, I feel stronger. But, in the same breath, I am also more sensitive. There was a hullabaloo in my family just recently, and I was the one blamed for it all. I don’t have any idea why I would get the blame for others actions, but there it is. In the end, my mother gave me some sound advice to ignore them, delete them from my facebook and just consider the source. Well…I did follow that advice, but it still stings to know that some members of my family have cast me away. They no longer have any love for me and would rather talk bad about me to other family members in order to get the message across. That kind of thing, can start someone on a downward spiral. I cried, of course I cried….some very nasty things were said, only by two of my aunts. Everyone else is super cool!  And if you know me and love me, you know that I would give anyone the shirt off my back and apologize that it wasn’t enough. So, what is a girl to do, but call mom! Aren’t mothers great? They stand up with you, they dry your tears and straighten your back. My mom does anyhow. She is the best. So, since I am off the drugs and dealing with things in a different way, I also have to recognize when a feeling is happening and decide whether it is normal or not. Then, go from there. It will be a learning process….but I am dealing with it so far.

Other than that, everything is hunky dorey! Now, that I can omit the bad, I can accept the good. Surround myself with good people with good vibes. Learn to love myself.self-love This, is a feat! It is not easy to have grown up thinking I was bad, a failure and a terrible person, because why else would so many bad things happen to one person? To learn to love the person I am now, is going to take some time and some good support from good people. I no longer feel that everything bad that happens to others, I have to fix. I am letting go of hanging on in a sense! Ha Ha!! Those words worked out well! Ha Ha!

So in my journey to a better me, a healthier me, mind and body, I am learning with baby steps. I don’t think that anybody can go all in at once with this stuff! Thanks for supporting me, learning who I am and going on my journey with me! I can’t wait for results and pictures that I can show you!

All The Same

20 Sep

I once thought I was alone. I thought that no matter how many people are around me, I am truly not accepted for who I am, that others thought of me as strange, too loud, not educated and embarassing. I thought that all my feelings of self doubt and worrying about everything and the depression that comes with it, was all my own. I was suffering all by myself. I still feel that way sometimes. Like when I take my leave from visiting someone, that they really were just pretending to like me and think that I am not really worth their time. I know, this sounds very harsh and depressing, but this is how I feel sometimes. Except now, I know I am not alone with this.  I know there are others who feel this way as well.

I recently went to a family celebration in which I sat with my parents and my two aunts. The conversation soon floated to the comparison of anti-depressants that we are all taking, or are supposed to be taking. This, felt like a light shining into my darkness. I was free. Open to talk about my feelings. Knowing that first, its in the family, and second, to know there are others that I trust and can confide in, although, I only really feel comfortable really getting into depth about it with my mother.anx Soon, during this conversation, I was kind of feeling despair over the events that had brought me into this disorder in the first place. I was brought to tears and had to remove myself from the entire table. Feeling this way, the time that night, did not get better for me. I was rushing down that spiral of darkness and was not finding a way out. Now, this is the second time that my disorder has brought be down in public. I am not sure if I am working through it, or getting worse. I accept it, and I am not afraid to tell anyone who asks. But now it is interfering more than I like. I have really good days, then I have not-so-good days. Today is one of the not-so-good days. Today is an ostrich day, today is a hermit day, a day for me to hide and read, and cry. I need these days sometimes.

My choice of selling the bakery has everything to do with my personal mental health and my parents health. And, now that I have decided this, I want it done. I really want someone to swoop in and take over. I love my baby, my bakery. I love all of my employees and my very faithful customers. Now, I need to love me. Now, I need to focus on my family. I need to do it before its too late. I have this ever pressing need to spend time with my mom and dad. To be there to do chores and take some of the hard work from them. I need to do that. I will do that. This is tearing me apart as well. I don’t know how much time my dad has left. He is not doing well and I love him. I want him to know how much he is loved.

My life is a maze, it feels like, but one that is changing with every turn. The walls move and some try to close in on me. I need to find my way out. I need to see the sun. I am glad I am not alone, but I feel alone in the worst way. I am my own worst enemy. I feel things that come out of the blue and have no reason to be there, but there they are! I know I am surrounded by friends and family, I know I am loved, but there is the demon that keeps making me feel sad. The one that says, you are fooling yourself. People dont like you. People want to use you. People dont care how you feel, or what you say. People pretend to be your friend. This demon is an asshole and I wish I could drain the life out of it and look it in the eyes when I did it.

I am surrounded and lonely, I am thankful and doubtful. All of my feelings contradict each other. Its all the same now. Im a yo-yo. sad

Strength

31 Mar

strengthThere I was, decorating cakes. Putting a good coat of icing on the cake. I had just had a talking to with one of my employees about behaviour and trust and the right way to do things at the bakery. Trust is a major issue. If I can’t trust you then I question everything, my choices and theirs. I was quietly contimplating on how my employee thinks that I am. Does he know the struggles that I have had and what I have dealt with? Does he know that I will not ever be treated like a doormat again? Does he know that I will not tolerate anything less than hard work and dedication? Does he know how many other employees have treated me like shit and I put up with it for so long?

I changed my mind after been bitten so many times by people. No matter the amount of beating down I have taken, I always try to see the best in people. I always see the good and it takes me a while to notice the negative things. I was friends with someone for 30 years before I realized she was a truth twisting narcissist who only was interested in her own benefit! Now, that is either stupidity or blindness on my part! I still only see the good, but I learn quicker now on what is genuine and what is not. I learned to be a little more weary with trust.

Then I was thinking about my own strength. I do not know anyone who is stronger than my own mother. She has dealt with a lot of terrible things in her life, people pushing her down and taking advantage of her, tragedy and so on. She has lived through it, she is strong because she had to be strong.

She is so strong on the outside, that it is almost to the point of being her weakness. Now, she has to stay strong because that is what people expect. But inside she is warm and fuzzy and loving. The more she loves you though, the less you see of the inside. She has to be the strongest for the ones she loves. I love her dearly and I would take a bullet for her, but I do not wish to be like that in that regard.

I am a big pile of mush. I hug, I cry, I love, I talk, and talk, and talk….. but I don’t find this a weakness. I am strong. Even though I am soft and squishy, I have a core that is pure strength. My strength is taking help when I need it. Saying sorry when I have made a mistake, giving my child a hug when they are crying, talking to others about what I have gone through to help them. My strength is facing my demons, it is reliving my pain in order to heal. It is telling the people that I love, “I love you”.

I am strong. It takes strength to talk of my pain. It takes strength to tell the world. To know that everyone (almost) that I know and call friend or family will read my very words. Some will be shocked at what I write, others will not. But this most of all takes strength. Strength is not pulling a 7 ton car with your teeth. Strength is not denying yourself to feel your emotions. Strength is different for everyone. My cousin is showing his strength right now by surviving multiple surgeries and fighting. He has been fighting in the hospital for over a month. Just a teenager, and he has shown more strength than I can even imagine. Go Josh! https://m-crohnsandcolitiscanada.akaraisin.com/11470/team/105893

That being said, I know my strength, I know my mother’s strength, I know Josh’s strength and the strength of his parents and grandparents and siblings. Because those that are strong while dealing with an illness, they also need to feed on the strength of the loved ones who would take on their fight if they could.

Know your strength. If you have not had to show it yet, you are lucky, or live under a rock! ha ha! But know that during your life, you will see just how strong you are.

 

 

Must…… Function.

30 Mar

Today is already a hard day. Each time something is talked about at therapy, it opens a wound. I was talking to my husband about everything last night and I put it like this…. therapy is like I broke my leg years and years ago, it didn’t heal right. I have been relying on other things like putting all my weight on my other leg, and n0w the doctor must rebreak my leg in order for it to heal right so I can get along normally. That is my analogy for therapy.

I woke up this morning, not feeling the greatest. A million different things in my head. The pain. The sadness. The fact that I have to go through this all by myself. I have to make the journey through everything again, alone. I have to travel there in order to tell someone else about it. It’s cold there. I feel like I am a helpless child again, not worth much to anyone and even though people are around me, they have their backs turned. This world that I have to journey into is a graveyard. It is the site at which joy does not exist. This journey is painful, cold, lonely, and I must travel the whole length. If I do not keep going, I am sure to fall, I am destined to sink into the ground like quicksand if I stop. If I sink, I do not know what or who will be dragged down with me. I must keep going.

I guess it sounds like therapy is terrible, and it feels that way the day after, but it is going to help. Even though the day after is pretty dark, there will be light. I will learn coping skills, I will learn how to ground myself and how to stay out of the darkness. I think that the hardest part is what is happening right now. The re-opening of the “can of worms” as it were.

It won’t be like this forever.

If I have been harbouring these painful memories and in turn, becoming anxious and depressed, I must change. I have scraped through this far, but I am at a point in my life that pretending to not feel the pain is not an option. If nothing and nobody changes around me, I must be the one to change. I need to help myself. Nobody else will.

You keep hearing me talk about all this pain, and painful memories, and you wonder, how much could she have actually gone through in her life? Well, without telling you everything, I have survived a molestation as a young child, the death of my father as a baby, I have witnessed my cousin beating up his sisters, blood and all. My first real sexual experience, he raped me, he also physically abused me. I survived a car accident, in which I remember my cousin’s face in the windshield, and I was the worst injured, in which I needed surgery and ended up in the hospital for two weeks and a healing process afterwards. There is more, but it’s more painful than what I just shared. Every stage of . my life has had some sort of major trauma in which it effected me terribly. Until I got married. Only then, did I feel normal, not in danger and completely safe. My husband has created a safe zone for me. He helps me through all of this. I am okay to go to ground zero as long as he is with me. I need his hand in mine.

I woke up this morning, and said ” It’s already a rough day”, and he opened his arms and hugged me, to let me know that he is right there with me.

nopeThis journey is hard, and I have to remember that I have to function. I dont want to. Today is the day to curl up in my bed and say “nope” to everything and everybody. Some of you may understand what I am going through and have felt this exact same way. It’s normal. I am allowed to feel this, I fight and tell myself that it’s okay to feel these feelings. I need to understand myself and listen to myself instead of arguing inside my own head. I must function. I have to work, I have to pick the kids up from school, I must make supper…. and I will…..it won’t be easy, but I must.

Why should this be easy anyway? Is anything in life that is worth having easy to get? Nope. I don’t want the things that are easy, how would I treasure and appreciate anything if it was easy to get, if I didn’t have to work hard for it?

I will get up, I must function. I will fight for this. I am worth it. My family is worth it. Fight, Amy! Fight!

Everyday is a challenge. Everyday is a gift. Everyday I will go on. I will survive. I have survived this much so far, but now I have so much more to lose if I stop. Head up, chin up, emotional pain, I will look you in the face. I will take you on, you bastard. I’m going to be ready. Let’s go!punch