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Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

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Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!