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Raw, and up to Here!

30 Sep

So, being off the drugs has been a blessing for me. Even though I have been feeling likeimg_8594 crap physically. It makes up for it with the clearness of everything! I went to lunch with my hubby the other day and I felt the sun on my shoulders and the breeze in my hair. I actually FELT it! I felt like just looking around at things and appreciating them for what they are. My emotions are back, maybe a little raw right now….but they have made their appearance.

lunatic-memeBut, really…..what is up now…….is my kids. Holy Hell in the morning! They are little hellions! I really think that they think their purpose in life is to make me frustrated and angry as many times as possible in one day! Wow! I love them to bits, they are my precious bundles of joy and I am blessed to be their mother….but really. Do you know how testing and hard it is to try and create decent adults? Wow!!!

I feel like I am chasing my own tail half the time and they are egging me on to do it! Seriously! I am glad my oldest is sympathetic and wants to help people, I have drilled that into my kids from the get go, and they see me doing all sorts of things for people. But, when he thinks that everything is unfair and nobody cares and his world is falling apart because his brother broke his thing he made out of Lego……ugh.

And when my youngest screams so terribly that it could break glass, because he has to clean up after himself and make his bed….well let me tell you…..just telling you this makes me tired. I would really, really like to find a way to motivate this one into doing what he is supposed to.

The lies, the….he said, he did, stop, no you stop, no fair, I can’t, I don’t want to!!!! Ahhhhh!!! Makes me want to pull my hair out!

Then, the whole “my parents are my slaves” thing! Mom I want this, Dad I want that. You know what? You are 7 and 9, if you want the ketchup…..get it! If you want a drink of water…..go get it! I have never ever treated my kids like they were fed with a silver spoon and I am not about to start now. Where does this entitlement come from? What did I do wrong?

I am an only child and I have no idea! I didn’t know about all the tattling and fighting and back talk and disrespect! I feel like I need a coach just to parent! I am constantly asking myself whether this is normal or not, especially when they bicker and fight and cry with each other ALL……DAY…….LONG!!

fighting-cherubs-1They used to get along just peachy! The oldest one looking out for the youngest, and the youngest being happy just to be near his older brother. What has happened? I do see some rare moments when they are civil to each other and there is no “hair pulling” or tattling happening, but it is just that…..rare. I know they love each other. I know it….I see it all the time, but I also think that they want to kill each other at the same time.

With what I have been going through lately with my withdrawls and feeling like a giant bag of over tired shit, I feel like I want to hibernate! I want to sleep for two days and when I wake up nice and refreshed I want my children who are behaving perfectly, to cuddle up with me and we can stay in bed and watch a movie! They will just cuddle up nicely and be still! They won’t yell and scream at each other and I won’t have to raise my voice to them either. They will offer to help with the dishes and when I say no to something crazy that they want to do, they will not treat me like I am the wicked witch and they will say “ok mom, I understand”. They will not tattle on each other or barge into my bedroom while I am getting dressed. They wont wait until I am on the toilet or in the shower to ask me something. Oh, that would be a wonderful day!

Sure, I can post all the photos in the world of my kids smiling and being joyous and loving, but just know….evil lurks beyond those eyes! Ha ha ha ha!!! I wonder if my mother felt this way about me? As far as I can recall, I was a perfectly behaved child, a model of a daughter that all other mothers had wished their children acted like! Ha….not likely, but that’s what I will tell my kids! And in actuality, my mother tramps on my perfect memories and rolls her eyes and lets my husband and kids know just exactly how every went down when I was a kid!

You know, I never think that I “deserve” things, but today I do.

I DESERVE rest, relaxation and sleep…..lots and lots of sleep!

And maybe a big glass of wine!!!wineyes

I just want to say…..What the Hell?????

 

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Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.

 

All The Same

20 Sep

I once thought I was alone. I thought that no matter how many people are around me, I am truly not accepted for who I am, that others thought of me as strange, too loud, not educated and embarassing. I thought that all my feelings of self doubt and worrying about everything and the depression that comes with it, was all my own. I was suffering all by myself. I still feel that way sometimes. Like when I take my leave from visiting someone, that they really were just pretending to like me and think that I am not really worth their time. I know, this sounds very harsh and depressing, but this is how I feel sometimes. Except now, I know I am not alone with this.  I know there are others who feel this way as well.

I recently went to a family celebration in which I sat with my parents and my two aunts. The conversation soon floated to the comparison of anti-depressants that we are all taking, or are supposed to be taking. This, felt like a light shining into my darkness. I was free. Open to talk about my feelings. Knowing that first, its in the family, and second, to know there are others that I trust and can confide in, although, I only really feel comfortable really getting into depth about it with my mother.anx Soon, during this conversation, I was kind of feeling despair over the events that had brought me into this disorder in the first place. I was brought to tears and had to remove myself from the entire table. Feeling this way, the time that night, did not get better for me. I was rushing down that spiral of darkness and was not finding a way out. Now, this is the second time that my disorder has brought be down in public. I am not sure if I am working through it, or getting worse. I accept it, and I am not afraid to tell anyone who asks. But now it is interfering more than I like. I have really good days, then I have not-so-good days. Today is one of the not-so-good days. Today is an ostrich day, today is a hermit day, a day for me to hide and read, and cry. I need these days sometimes.

My choice of selling the bakery has everything to do with my personal mental health and my parents health. And, now that I have decided this, I want it done. I really want someone to swoop in and take over. I love my baby, my bakery. I love all of my employees and my very faithful customers. Now, I need to love me. Now, I need to focus on my family. I need to do it before its too late. I have this ever pressing need to spend time with my mom and dad. To be there to do chores and take some of the hard work from them. I need to do that. I will do that. This is tearing me apart as well. I don’t know how much time my dad has left. He is not doing well and I love him. I want him to know how much he is loved.

My life is a maze, it feels like, but one that is changing with every turn. The walls move and some try to close in on me. I need to find my way out. I need to see the sun. I am glad I am not alone, but I feel alone in the worst way. I am my own worst enemy. I feel things that come out of the blue and have no reason to be there, but there they are! I know I am surrounded by friends and family, I know I am loved, but there is the demon that keeps making me feel sad. The one that says, you are fooling yourself. People dont like you. People want to use you. People dont care how you feel, or what you say. People pretend to be your friend. This demon is an asshole and I wish I could drain the life out of it and look it in the eyes when I did it.

I am surrounded and lonely, I am thankful and doubtful. All of my feelings contradict each other. Its all the same now. Im a yo-yo. sad

A New Chapter

23 Aug

Over the last year and a half, I have been contemplating my purpose. My true purpose. I know I am meant to help people, I am meant to be a mother and a wife. But, am I meant to run a business? To bake for the masses? Maybe. But I am finding everyday life a struggle with so many stressers. I do have an anxiety disorder and stress is not making it any better. Over the last 2 years it has gradually made it worse. rope-frayed-stress-pressure

Now, I have this disorder, which I have to take medication for, which in turn has caused me more anxiety and depression…..not cool. Especially when I have two young children at home who looks at their parents as guides on how to act and how to live their lives, and this is not fair to them at all. To add to it, my parents are not well. My dad has just suffered through his 6th heart attack and my mother has heart problems, anxiety and blood pressure problems herself.

I had to make a choice, and I choose family. I choose health and my own peace of mind that I will have no regrets.

nextI cannot wait to start this new chapter of my life. I plan on getting a part time job somewhere and just living a simple life. Being there for my parents and my children, having a lighter feeling altogether. Maybe even taking a family vacation!

Having a business is not all bad, I love doing what I do! Using my art skills and translating it into edible works of art! How awesome is that? It’s the being the boss bit that I don’t want anymore! I am too much like everyones friend to be a hardass. I can tell you, I have been through my fair share of people taking advantage of me! Some ex employees and some customers! I have done my best!

I feel that I have helped out in small ways as well! I have donated ALOT every year to dozens of charities and events, and I have met some fabulous people as well!

Now that I have made up my mind to sell….. I want it sold! Ha Ha! I am not sure how long it will take, but I have confidence that everything will end up where it should be!

This chapter hasn’t finished yet, you will be the first to know when it does

If you are interested in buying the bakery, I have it listed on kijiji.ca

sale

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!

Full Circle

6 Jul

So, I try to slow my roll, take it easy, soak up the sun and spend time with the kids, read and just chill. It’s easier said than done, that is for sure!

If I don’t panic about home or the kids, I panic about the bakery. We have a slower week, I panic, I owe money to someone, I panic! I guess it’s in my nature to panic! Worry and panic are my life right now! And then I think, if this gets done, then I will be okay, then there is something else to worry about. It’s a never ending roll of calm and worry. And, it’s easy to look at me or talk to me and think, she doesn’t seem that bad. But you are not in my head!

The little things do work for a while. The sun really helps me, and reading books helps tremendously as well. Projects work. I have had an ongoing project this summer with my front yard. Doing some landscaping and making it look fabulous, this gives me joy and a sense of accomplishment. I also get to spend time with my family when it is being done!

happyI was thinking yesterday….surprise surprise! And, I came to the conclusion that during the summer, I don’t really want to spend time worrying and dreading the housework. The summer is meant for outdoor activities and having fun with the kids. I decided to not worry about it, except for the laundry and the dishes. So, the kids stuff is in the living room….oh well….. keep calm, it’s their house too. It is very difficult to think this way. When I was in my darkest times, I didn’t care about anything, to put it bluntly, I couldn’t give two shits about the state of my house. I was just tired and couldn’t handle anything. I put blinders on to everything that I could not handle. Now, in the more recent times, I have started coming out of the darkness little by little and in that greyish area, I have started caring more about the state of my home. I spent 5 hours cleaning my childs room, I hate to see the mess that my hubby and kids made while I was at work and didn’t clean up! I mean, come on guys! There is still bits of cereal on the table from breakfast! Clean it up!!!! This is when my depression fades and my OCD starts kicking in! And as I write this I think.. Wow…. not much of a mess am I? circle

I just thought that I sound like someone who just cannot be pleased or happy in any state of mind that I am in! That is not true. The battle is all inside my head. I am just sharing with you everything that is usually locked up inside my cranium! Fun! There I go….worrying about others more than myself again! That is something else that the depression/anxiety manual does not tell you! In my case, I worry about others more than myself and spend all of my energy making sure others are happy! I listen to the music others like before I put something on that I like. I guard what I say and who I say it in front of for fear of being misunderstood or hurting someone and vigilant about other peoples feelings. I worry about saying the wrong thing in front of others and they taking it the wrong way and being hurt. I worry even at work when I come in to bake at 5-6 am and then leave at 1pm, does my staff think that I don’t work? Do they think I am lazy?

I really have to find myself again. In the middle of all of this worry and anxiety/depression stuff…. I have forgotten who I am and what I like and my opinions that I have. I have been asking myself lately, what kind of music do I really like? You know…. I don’t know anymore. What kind of movies and shows do I like? I don’t know anymore. What do I like to do in my spare time? Worry? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have that time anymore. And if I spend it reading…..what else have I done? What else do I like to do? Wow…. it’s hard to know who I am right now. I hope it will come to me soon enough.

Damnit! Stupid brain! Freaking chemicals! UGH!!!

I am happy. I have a wonderful life with fabulous people in it. All this other crap, I need to maintain, I need to keep it  under control and manageable. I won’t let it eat me alive and hurt anyone.

Just letting you know, that it’s good to calm down and look around. I am going to try laying down outside at night and looking at the stars, I am going to try watching the wind whip  the leaves on the trees, keep slowing it down more and more. I want that joyous feeling, I want to feel that expressive joy and wonder like my kids do. I want to breathe. I need to keep telling myself that everything is okay. I have a roof, a family, friends, a business….what more do I need?

Now that my day of work has been done, what will I do with myself? Do the dishes and read a book. Maybe colour a bit and play the piano. Calm is what I need. It has to be a daily reminder to myself to breathe and be calm. It’s like a new habit that has to be formed. Like a daily affirmation! I know that sounds dorky, but it’s completely true! I am good enough, I am smart enough and God darnit, people like me! Ha Ha!

That is what I have to keep in mind. I am surrounded by people who support me, and whom I support in kind. We are all like a woven blanket, relying on the other stitch to support the next in line, and in the end, we keep someone who is cold, warm.

warI am thinking that this battle will never be won, but with constant supervision and vigilence, a war will be avoided. The tight jaw and lungs, are just the first warnings to something bigger to come. So, lots of sleep is needed and patience and time alone helps as well. Don’t be scared to open up. There are more people suffering silently with this than anyone knows! You could very well be saving someone who didn’t know they needed the help!

Enjoy the heat! Ugh!

Slowing My Roll

29 Jun

As of yet, there is no fantastic cure for feeling like your head is about to explode, I mean, how much input can go in and be tossed around and worried about? You would be surprised! Anyhow, since the methods that I have been trying haven’t been working, I think it’s time to try something new. And something a little less destructive.

My husband is the real hero in this episode. He said to me the other day that he thought we were drinking too much and neither of us have been feeling that great. I completely agreed. Our sleeping is off and on, every other night it seems, we are not sleeping well and getting up at all hours. No good. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t expect to take care of our dependants either. Enough is enough.

I have been thinking really hard about taking in more nature, sunlight and just trying to sunrelax more in order to get some much needed rest for my mind. Vitamin D is a great source of natural anti-depressant. So, I vow to spend more time outside, to get more active with my children and to read more books. Once I get into a book, there is no stopping me!

I think that I drank about 14 glasses of water yesterday, I ate normally, which is pretty healthy and I spent the day cleaning my children’s rooms! What a task! My 7 year old’s room looked like three baskets of laundry exploded on his floor! It took me about 5 hours to clean everything! I won’t let that happen again! From now on I will check his room every day and make sure he is keeping up with everything. And to be honest, I felt really great after I had put away all of my kids clothes away and finished the ten  thousand loads of laundry! This is what I need. I need to fulfill my purpose as a mother, a wife and a friend. To do that I must take care of myself and just get through the day, as hard as it can be. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, actions and thoughts again. The never ending guilt and worry and all that goes with it, it is completely real, the feeling of defeat. The feeling that nothing will be right, or that something is wrong and you just can’t figure out what it is. The fear that you have said or done something wrong to someone and not knowing who or what it was. It is not easy to live with this. It’s even harder to live with when you drink. So, no more. Of course, it’s summer now and I will partake in a little bit of drinks now and then, but not every day. That being said, I never drank in excess when my kids were around. They are my first priority. Always.

I know now that I was going through a very very dark time and didn’t really know what to do. I am hoping now that is over. I will no longer cave in to my sorrows and try to cover them up, and by covering them up, I was only feeding them more. I know that now.

kid tieI vow, I will spend time at the beach, having picnics and playing frisbee and baseball with my family. I will drink water in excess and alcohol minimally, I will soak up the sun and tend to my new garden that I  just revamped in my front yard. I will take on the task of putting my kids clothes away and not waiting for them to do it. I will spend time doing learning pages and crafts with my kids. I will try not to worry about the housework as much and worry more about feeding my kids with attention, education and physical activities.

I will make myself better. Until I can see a real doctor who knows about all of this, I will try to manage on my own. I will try to cure myself in every way that I can. I know I will have bad days, but I have to remind myself that it is just one day. That one day does not claim my entire week, month, year or life.

To those of you who know me personally, I thank you for the support you have given me thus far, and I also thank you for the support you will continue giving me during this time, it will be a struggle for me, just know, I know how much you give even when you are just asking me how I am doing or you come to see me just to give me a hug and let me know that you are there, or that you are dealing with the same things.

And now…… to live!

live