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The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

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No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

I suck….

18 Dec

So, lately I haven’t been feeling it. I have not been dealing with life very well at all. I am still suffering and this battle is never ending. I hate this. It’s like a damned rollercoaster in here! Good days and bad days, then a whole bunch of bad days….ugh. Lately I have been waking up in the morning with numb hands. I have carpal tunnel in both hands or wrists or whatever. This sucks large. And it is due to piping all of those cakes for the past ten years. Now, I am a cleaner and I need my hands. I can be mopping or sweeping and my  hands go numb. Then, when I step down and walk I have to walk gingerly because I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. This is very painful and prevents me from walking or doing things after a day of work. I just want to sit down because my foot hurts so bad. This means that I don’t want to go anywhere. I do. I want to go places, but I don’t want to walk around in pain and hobble around with a limp. I do not know if this is the reason that I am in a downer lately, but I am tired of this feeling.

I have no ambition to clean, do laundry or even do the baking for the week ahead. I want to cry and bury my head under the covers. I want to know why I feel this way. If I know the why, then I can work on how to get out of the funk. This time of year is my favourite, the kids get excited and I get ramped to see them so happy at Christmas, I love to give and I love to give things that I make. What is wrong with me? The Christmas spirit has not bitten me this year and I am failing. I am failing at everything it seems. I am not being the wife I should, I am pre-occupied  by my own pain to even listen, I am always off in my own head. I  want to be in the here and now, but something keeps blocking me from enjoying my everyday  life. There is so much joy to be had, I see it. I see my husband laughing and enjoying our children. I see him paying attention. I am there, I see it, but what is wrong with me? I am sitting there in the same room. I am doing something like crocheting and watching what I am doing in my own hands. I have a time limit to get these things done, yes, but why can’t I put the damned thing down for ten minutes and watch my son perform a silly little show where he is dancing and singing and being goofy? Why don’t I get up and go into the bathroom and supervise my youngest brush his teeth instead of waiting for him to come out and tell me that he brushed but he didn’t? It is the same every night and every night he has a fit about it. I could prevent that. But I sit in my chair like a cripple. Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like the victim all of the time.

I hate this fucking disease or disorder, or whatever the hell it is. It is taking me away from my family, it is taking me away from everything. The numbness in my hands goes away after a bit, and sometimes my foot is okay, but this mental shit is always there and it acts like a vaccuum. I cannot hear anything or anybody while it is in my head, and it sucks the sense of humour and joy right out of me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Don’t read that wrong, I want to live, I just want this shit gone.

I notice during my moments of clarity, that my children think that I will react to something a certain way, and when I don’t, they are surprised. Sometimes the trees block my view of the forest I guess. My oldest child just walked into my room to ask me something, I ended up hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him, which I do on a regular basis, but this time I told him that I was sorry for not being a good mommy sometimes. He looked at me, shocked, and ask me why I would say that. I told him that sometimes I feel like I am not the best mother, he in turn replied to me with tears in his eyes telling me that I am the best mommy, and if he could choose anyone in the world as a mommy, he would choose me. Wow, waterworks! I am bawling telling you this. Do you know why? Not only is my son the greatest human being in the world with the biggest heart, but I am also crying because I am not worthy of such unconditional love. I am not good enough for my children. They deserve so much better than me. I am a broken mom. I have all of these issues and I am scared that I am going to pass them on to them. I have some harsh reactions sometimes and I get scared that they will react like that too. I see other peoples lives on facebook, lots of pictures with their kids, lots of smiles and love love love, like they are always out and about doing loads of stuff with their kids without resting and taking a break. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they deal with stress and worry and all of the things that comes with life. Like, what do they have that I don’t? What is their secret? Why is everything so hard for me?

I can’t even stay with keeping on top of things. I slack. I mean, I made jars for my kids with chore in them on pieces of paper, I had them pick two per day, and that is their chore, well I was good at doing it for about 3 weeks, and now, in the last week I haven’t had them do it at all. I know, the holidays screw up all routines, but that feels like a loss of control for me. Like I didn’t care enough to keep it going. My intentions are good, but my follow through is really sucking right now. I am sucking right now. the game of life is getting the best of me. I need something to blame. I tend to just blame myself for everything, after all we all create our own destiny. Our life is in our hands. We get handed a bunch of obsticals, it is how we deal with each one that defines who we are.

My reason for this life is to help. I need to feel some sort of peace. I need always to help people. Right now, I have no idea how I am doing that. I clean. Who does that help, really? I know, it is something that needs to be done, yes, but there is nothing really meaningful about it. When I was baking, I was feeling like I was making people happy and bringing joy to their days. And through that, I could give the left over cupcakes to people who really couldn’t afford to eat. I gave them to The Inn of the Good Shephard. I also gave donations for fundraisers and supplied sweets for a cancer cruise every year. That, was good work, that was helping people. Now, I can’t even help myself. Gah, what the hell?

I guess my blog helps people, but it doesn’t reach far enough. I need it to reach more people to really make a difference. Maybe I need to go back to school to become something. To be someone again. Right now, I feel like a big pile of shit. Right now, I am not doing anything to help myself or anyone else. I am in a depression mode I suppose. Life is hard. Being in my own head is hard. I wish I could see inside someone elses head for a bit, see what it’s like to be “normal” if that is a thing. I am in such a bad head space, that this blog entry probably sounds erratic  and all over the place. I  don’t even know if I can join one thought to another. I need a shower, I need to take a walk, I need to get out of my head. I need therapy.

I suck.

Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!

Hatred; The true struggle

19 Nov

I thought I had it good! I closed the business and thought, hey, I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to organize the house, make the kids breakfast every day, do all the housework, make all the dinners and take the kids everywhere they need to go. Well….its not that easy at all first of all, second, I had to really look into how our finances are! Not a good sitchyaysion! Behind payments on some things have to be made, outrageous utility bills needed to be payed, and I don’t have an income. Great. I can tell you that this Christmas is going to be pretty damn slim. So, I keep on, like I have to. I make out a budget for us and go to get a job. The first place I went, I went in without a resume to see just by chance that they needed someone. They hired me on the spot, and I was to go in the next day for an orientation. Well, looking through the pages the manager gave me, I saw that the busy time is on Saturday and Sundays. I had to do some figures, and I knew that this wouldn’t be worth it. I would start at minimum wage, which is something like $11.45 per hour and I would need child care for every shift she put me on Saturday and Sunday. Child care is $10 or more per hour for 2 children. I am damned if I am going to go to work for $1.45 per hour. Just ridiculous.

So, that was a bust. I start from before and really think about staying home. Then I start writing my life story. Not fun because of the memories I have to endure and relive. I got to the part about my early days at the babysitters. This is tough. It’s rough and hard to put down every single word. I have to phrase it like I am writing a story, not like I am writing for you. I have to word it differently, I can’t just write what is in my head at that particular moment. I should try, come to think of it. But, anyway, while I was writing about my early years at Janie’s, more memories came to me. The ones that have been repressed for ummmm…. say, 34 years. Wow….they hit me hard. Pardon my French, but it really fucking sucks. The feelings I have, I don’t even know how to manage them. I felt my face getting hotter, I know I was flushed. Alone, with a typewriter and paper, and I was blushing. I remembered some really nasty shit that he did and the way he hid it just makes my skin crawl. Ugh…. I feel nauseous. He would prey on me when I was playing in the basement, or watching tv in the basement. He could hear if someone was coming. Ugh, I want to vomit. What a piece of shit. I am riddled with rage, embarrassment, guilt and shame already, but now I have an unwavering feeling of utter hatred and disgust. I want to protect that little girl. I want to beat the shit out of the asshole who tried this with her before he got the chance. Who the hell did he think he was? Taking someone’s innocence like that, making  her into someone completely different without a second thought. And then I think, didn’t anyone see? Didn’t anyone notice something? Anything at all? Did my behaviour change? I know that I must have followed Janie around more after that. I remember not wanting to go downstairs when Mark was home. I remember, when he came home, I ran upstairs. Oh man, I just remembered some other things. Him, coaxing me down the stairs, and Janie had no idea. She would tell Mark to keep an eye on me when she was upstairs. Oh God. Here it is folks, a mental cap has been opened. I thought it was bad when I first remembered some of the memories….this. is. much. much. much. worse. These memories are lethal. I am so queasy right now. I keep thinking that the memories have to end somewhere, but they just keep going. I never ever ever wanted to be alone with him. A little girl, innocently watching Sesame Street and playing with her little chocolate baby doll (as Janie called it) and then, in looms the darkness, the face of evil plastered with an endearing face and a fake smile. The used car salesman who sells nothing but crap. Trust me. Come sit with me. Here, give me your hand….ugh…..its much much worse than that, but I will spare you.

I know he was a victim, I learned that earlier this year. It might seem bad of me, but I do not care one iota. I was a victim too. I didn’t do that shit to anybody. It really screwed with my head. I was petrified when I had my first baby. I thought, oh man, I hope I never do that, I won’t do that. I was so scared of myself, it was terrible. I never ever have had thoughts of that before. I was scared to bathe my son. I didn’t want to touch him in case it wasn’t right, or appropriate. I know, I am just a loving mother who wants the best for my kids and to love them, I shouldn’t be a first time mother and have these fears. I blame this all on Mark. He did this to me. I was scared. I know who I am and I know I would never ever touch anyone like that. I knew who I was then too…..but it scared the shit out of me that history would repeat itself, maybe because I have watched enough episodes of SVU to know that most molesters are what they are because it was done to them.

I hate him. My day went to shit because of him. I want him gone, out of my life. Out of my memories. He ruined perfectly good memories of me with his mother. I love her. She was a wonderful care giver, and he ruined everything. He made me scared when I was little, he made me scared of loving anyone, really, and opening myself to my husband. He made me scared of real love and intimacy. He made me scared to touch my baby, even to change his diaper and bathe him. He scared me when I had to talk to him daily while his mother was in the hospital, I didn’t want to talk to him. He is a snake in the grass. He has two faces. He hides his true self. He couldn’t even admit to me that he did anything wrong. He has never told me sorry for what he has done. And I doubt he ever will. He does not make me scared anymore, but I am scared of myself and all of the hateful feelings I have towards him and his oily self. I don’t want to hate him because I love his mother.

I love her and I don’t want her hurt. But, I hate him so much. I know she loves him and always will. I know she will always protect him, and I just can’t seem to face that.

Whew, now all of that, that is my true struggle. Day to day life sucks when you are broke, but it sucks so much harder when dealing with these freaking memories, and when storing all of this hatred.

 

The Next Phase

6 Oct

I guess what it comes down to when getting yourself off of drugs without a doctor to guidecant-sleep you, is that it effects your body in phases. First I felt sick, like I had the flu and I was vomiting, then, the dizziness came along with the rest. Now, the flu-like symptoms have subsided, but I still have the dizziness and added along with it is insomnia! Awesome! I am fine all day long, with bouts of dizziness happening and I am great until about 7-8 pm. This is when I really feel woozy and light headed and I start to get really tired. My eyes are little slits and I want to close my eyes. The “funny” thing is, that as soon as my head hits my pillow…..I could take on the world! This. Is. So. FUN!!!!

I do have some restful sleep and I wake up beautifully. I am not groggy, I am happy and look forward to the day. I usually wake up to the sound of one of my sons fighting with the other or just being a little too loud with a breakfast request to my husband! I used to loathe being woke up on a day that I could sleep in. I was downright bitchy if I woke up to some screaming from the kids or some loud damn machine outside my window that the city likes to do….send workers out at 7:30 in the morning to get rid of the stumps or something like that. Ha Ha! I laugh now, because it does not bother me, in fact, it makes me more aware that I am a grown up that owns my own home and has a great family. How about that huh? An anxious person looking on the bright side!! WOW!!! Breakthrough! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, hopefully this phase of not sleeping will only last a little while. In fact, now that I think of it, none of my symptoms have lasted that long at all. Just the dizziness that won’t really leave. I think I might be lucky in this aspect.

Since I have really started to see the forest through the trees as it were, I have decided to take that next step to get my physical health to match my mental health. I know that by doing this, they will end up benefitting from each other and I will eventually be the best person I can really be.

bestThey say that life is too short, to eat the cake, as it were. Well….I am thinking that if you always eat the cake, your life will end up shorter! I am deciding to make a vow to myself in front of all of you. I will be accountable for my own health, well being and when it comes down to it…..LIFE. I will choose the better way.

I am devoting myself to reach my higher self. To be my own hero in a sense. I will defeat my own demons, I will make the right and healthy choices. I will not deviate from my change of lifestyle. In fact I am half way there already, just by my healthy food choices. Now, I have to get my ass up, out, and burn off all the negativity and repressed feelings that have gathered around my middle, and that is hanging off my arms, that is packed on my thighs, that is making my face super wide….ugh. Gross. Ha Ha! And before anyone who is on the chubby side decides that they don’t like my wording…. Yes, yes, big can be beautiful…I know, except that I don’t feel good like this. Being overweight, I realized that I am weighing myself down. I packed on these pounds to hide all of the hurt. I am carrying around my pain, in fat form. Healthy Life wooden sign with a beach on background

I don’t want to do this anymore damnit! I have had it!!

I have started on a journey. And truth be told….I think the journey started when I accepted the things that I did not want to face. I didn’t want to accept all of my past as the truth. But, it is the truth. I will face it. No more hiding. No more suffocating myself just to stop the truth. What has happened, what other people have done to me…..that is on them. It was unfortunate that these people chose me to do these rotten things to, but if it wasn’t me, it could have been someone else. And maybe that other person couldn’t have been as strong, perhaps that would-be victim couldn’t stand being a survivor, or in the end, would only keep the circle going. I am now grateful that it was not someone else. I would not be who I am today. I wouldn’t be this strong, determined and appalled by injustices. Honestly, I don’t think I would be quite as trusting of others, if that makes sense. No matter who has hurt me, no matter how many times I have been hurt, I never ever lose my sense of trust.

I have one decision in the end. I decide to do this for me. I chose to put myself first right now, to heal, to be the true me. Don’t I sound like an after school special? Ha Ha!!!

It is time. I am going to get fit. I am going to get healthy. I am responsible. My kids are going to love this! I have already told my oldest son that we are going to be more physical. That we are going to go back to the gym. We all need this! Kids soak up everything that they see. I don’t want them to think that a seditary lifestyle is okay, or good enough. I don’t want them to be breathing hard to make it up the stairs. I want them to be confident and healthy!

This journey  is deserving of a name! And since I have a big birthday coming up next year, I will name it after that! What a great start to the beginning of the journey for the rest of my life!

I think it’s going to be Foxy by Forty! (I am *gulp* 39 right now)

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