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re:Birth

23 Sep

I have been absent in my sharing with you. I have been present in my life day by day.  The broken woman who has shared her tortured soul with you is no longer here. Who stands in her place is the same woman, but she has an enlightened soul with pure light radiating around and within her.

I, Amanda (Amy) J. Bourgon, have been reBorn.

As you may already know, I was in a deep deep depression, anxiety was crushing me and my head was clouded with memories of the past and the pain I had felt. I was gaining more and more weight as time went by. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be happy and I was quick to blame those who did me wrong for my situation I was in at the time. I got to a whopping 296.5 pounds. I am 5’7″ tall. My 3X sized clothing was feeling tight and when I  had a difficult reaching around myself to do anything, I knew it was time to change. I knew that the way I was going about things was not helping at all. I didn’t really know what to do or where to turn.

I started my therapy back up at the Sexual Assault Survivors Centre. I was retelling my story and getting it off my chest to someone who would have a conversation with me and I was getting that instant feedback I was looking for. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. It was helping, but I needed something more. I needed a whole new outlook…….well……ask and thou shall receive.

I started reading a book. One sentence kind of slapped me in the face to spin me right where I stood. After the dizzying blow, I looked around and nothing was the same. I chose to open up and see through some new eyes, to think with new thoughts and act with new purpose. Things come when we are ready.

At first everything I was reading and thinking about and listening to was so foreign, yet so simple, I was shocked every day at what I was soaking in. I still have monumental moments like this, it is just easier to adjust now that I have seen “the light” so to speak. Everyone’s journey is different and not everyone will find their way the same way I did, so I don’t really want to push on to you what specifically worked for me. I just want to let you know that it can be done, and my experience may be here to inspire you or for you to know that it is possible.

So, with reading a chapter of a book, my life had now changed. I dove into other books like that one, soaking it in, finding new ideas and thoughts that are so simple they make so much sense, it is often over looked or people don’t believe it.  I believe. I am proof. I am still learning.

Right now, what I truly know and believe is that we are the earth. We need to be grounded and to remember that we are all made of the same things. We are all atoms and cells, everything in the world is made of the most basic elements. I know that nothing or nobody is better than anything or anyone else. I am no better than the ladybug eating the leaf, the wolf stalking prey, the man who has broken the law. We all have purpose, we are all energy and all of our energies are different. I choose to try hard to have and give out good energy. I choose to smile at everyone, I choose to stop my mind from judging others and just accept them for who they are. There is a very popular saying out there right now that says “everyone has a story”. It is true. Everyone does have a story, those stories are none of my business and it is not my business to judge others. I have to spend my energies on good purposes and to control my own thoughts, and guide my children likewise. The energy that I put out, I get back, and I don’t know about you, but I want good to come back to me and by judging others and thinking bad thoughts is not going to get me that.

The hardest thing I have had to do since my “vision clearing” is to control my thoughts. It might seem like it is an easy thing to do, but it takes time and practise and discipline. Everytime you think something negative, stop it. Try to look at it in a different way. Turn “disasters” into a lesson. Turn blaming someone else for how you feel off. Our perception of the world is the one thing that takes a “bad day” and turns them into glorious days. We can control this. We control our own universe as we know it. When I found this out, I decided that I would no longer have bad days. I would turn my life around because it was all in my hands in the first place! I had this power all along!

Done are the days when I put myself down. Gone are the days when I “let” someone make me upset. I am trying to discipline myself to remembering 100% of the time that I make my own reality. So, I am worth being happy. I am creating and accepting my own happiness. I  forgave everyone. I didn’t really have to though, because it was not for me to forgive. I accepted the individuals who inflicted pain, I accepted who they are and I stopped the judgement that I had laid upon them in the first place. Their actions never represented them as people, or ever will. We are not our actions. Forgiveness was not necessary, acceptance was, and to tell you the honest truth…..it was easy. I was done with living in the past and hanging on to bad feelings that weren’t my feelings in the first place. Those feelings were coming from the person who I no longer was. I wake up everyday as a new person. I can’t go back, I don’t worry about what has happened before today. Why? I can’t change it, and everyday I am different and I have grown since yesterday. With that in mind, I don’t really worry about the future anymore either. It is not today. I know that what I do today is what matters. What I say and think and do today is what matters. Living for today is the only way I found my true happiness.

I am not my home, my car, my clothes, my body even. I am pure energy. I am the light that I radiate. I am the goodness that embodies me. I am life, I am earth, I am you. I am the feeling of peace, calm, happiness, joy.

Even though I am not any of the things you can say are superficial, I decide that with such a pureness of being, I need to treat my physical body with respect. The physical body is a very intricate machine. It is full of electricity and chain reactions and cells and things that are super complex. Our bodies are the most amazing super computers that we will ever own and be allowed to function. Most of us do not know how to use it. I am trying to learn. In order to be “enlightened”, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It is holding and housing my other “body” my energy body. To be healthy is not just being fit and eating healthy, it is thinking healthy and your brain thinking the right thoughts and taking time to rest and clear thoughts as well.

I know, this is a 100% spin from where I used to be. I am more spiritual, which should not be confused with religious. I am not religious. I accept everyone as they are, I am guiding myself to no longer see race, age, sex, religion…..etc….it goes on and on. Everyone is me and I am everyone.

I may sound a little kooky to some…..but that dosen’t bother me.

I feel new feelings, I see through new eyes. I am at peace. I accept the love I recieve and I believe it when someone says nice things to me. I let others know my joy, but I don’t really need to….they see it in my face, they may also see my aura, which, I have been told is overwhelmingly light and has brought someone I know to tears of joy and overwhelmed her. Some people who have known me for years and years do not recognize me. My face is the same. My demeanor, my body, my thoughts and my energy is completely different.

You can do this to0, if you are depressed and/or anxious and overweight or just grumpy! Change can happen. You have to decide.

You control your life.

So far, I have lost 70.5 pounds, I have gained about 7 new friends (true friends), and good things are coming back to me. I am cashing in on all of the good energy which has made a full circle! What we put out, we get back! I am healthier, happier, I have better relationships, my kids are happier and healthier, my marriage is fantastic(it has never been otherwise), and I believe that I can DO…..fill in the blank. Anything.

Today is a wonderful day. From now on, everyday is a fantastic day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dentist…..Heyyyy……

27 Jan

teethThroughout my life, which has not been drastically long, I would like to say….even though I am on the cusp of 40, I am young damnit! Ha Ha! Anyways….. I have always been perfectly fine with going to the dentist. I actually grew to love going to the dentist. Not that I have a twisted wish for pain or anything, just that I love the results. I see a person’s teeth before anything else and I love the condition of mine. Nice and white, pearly even! Ha Ha!

I needed braces when I was a teen and when they came off, it was like the sun shined brightly through the clouds and there was a choir singing praises for the ever so straight, shiny, sparkling and perfectly straight teeth! That’s what I felt like anyhow. Ever since then, I love going to the dentist.

dentistOver the past couple of years, it has been harder to cope with my anxiety and I see the multitude of things that it effects, I sink my head down in despair over the fact that I know have anxiety at the dentist. This completely bums me right out, to say the least. I want perfect teeth. I NEED to go to the dentist, there is no way around it. Now, my problem is not with anything that you would expect at the dentist, no. It is not the chair, the lights, gloves, drill, suction…..none of it. I can even handle the needle. The one thing that has me in knots and holding my breath, is the freezing feeling in my face. I cannot stand to lose control of anything on my body at all. I can’t feel my whole lip, my jaw, my skin…..this is when I freak out internally and for a very long time. I panic, and I know I can’t run away from the feeling or even do anything to make the feeling come back. It is awful. This is another big reason why I cannot smoke marijuana. I have heard so many times that it helps with anxiety……NOPE! It heightens my anxiety. I hate it with a passion. HATE.

So, the second last dentist appointment that I had, I freaked out afterwards and I was miserable and held my breath, gave myself a headache, I complained and it was not a good time to be me. When I was scheduled back, I made up a lie about how I had a cold and that I wanted to wait until my kids werent sick anymore and just wait it out. I did not go back. They called me about a month after and I decided to go in and just put it all out there and talk to them about it. This was after I saw a posting my friend made on FB about how she needed drugs just to go to the dentist. This was like a lightbulb…..a welcomed light! I went in and talked to them about my anxiety and just like that, I got some anxiety meds for the visit! I was prescribed Lorazepam, which I had never taken and I have heard of it, but never had it. I don’t like drugs and I refuse to start taking anti-depressants regularly, but I will take these if it means I can get my teeth looked after.

So, the day of the appointment, I was instructed to take 2 pills an hour before my appointment. I was at work in the morning and my appointment was scheduled for 12:15.  Of course, at 9am I start to panic. My chest feels tight, I am holding my breath, my jaw hurts from holding it tight and I am worrying, and worrying. Should I have taken one pill the night before to stop this feeling now? They told me to but I thought I would be fine. I am freaking, thinking that an hour before the appointment is going to be cutting it really close, what if they don’t kick in by then? What am I going to do? What am I going to wear? I want to be comfortable, but not look like a slob. Is everything on my face plucked? They get really close to my face! OMG!!!! I look like shit! They are going to judge me if I have one hair coming out from where it shouldn’t be! Ah!

So…..apparently I am more anxious about the dentist than originally estimated!……..to say the least!

I leave work early. I have something to eat, because I have no clue when I will have control of my face and I don’t want to be hungry and frozen. Then, I have a shower because I smell like cleaning products and my hair is a mess. I shower, get dressed in comfortable pants and a shirt that would not be regarded as anything special, but equally acceptable. I sit on the bed and I notice that the drugs have issued their desired effect! All systems go!loraz And then I went…..to sleep! I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes until my inner self told me to get up and do something with my hair. Being I have curly hair….there is a small window to use in order to get anything like a tamed look. So, I did my hair, put my shoes on and sat on the couch until we had to go. My husband had to drive me…..there was no way this mess was going behind the wheel!

I was so chill it was ridiculous! I walked into the office and all the girls looked at me and chuckled! So did I! I knew what I looked like, how I sounded and how I was acting! It was marvelous! I told them…..I feel fantastic! I don’t ever take drugs! “I can tell!” is how they responded!

Needless to say, I had the most wonderful dental experience in my life! I didn’t care that my face was frozen and I could have fallen asleep in the chair! I came home and went to bed though! I slept for about 2 and a half hours! Which was perfectly fine, I knew I would be out of order for a while, and the great thing is that when I woke up, the freezing was gone and I could resume my regular life as if nothing happened!

What a day! Ha Ha!

I will definitely be doing that again! And…..it makes for an entertaining story!

Have a fantastic day!tooth.jpg