Archive | Satisfaction RSS feed for this section

Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Advertisements

Keepin’ It Real

1 Jan

Last night was okay. I stayed at home with the kiddos and the hubby. It was actually pretty damned hard to stay awake! Yes, my life is full of excitement and wonder! Ha Ha!! The kids played some video games, we played a board game and watched some television! The kids were able to drink some orange pop, which is pretty exciting since they hardly ever get to drink soda, ever.

Today is a pretty slow paced day. I got up enough ambition to do the dishes and I might do a load of laundry later, but that is the extent of my physical exertion today. I see on the web, of people who are raring to go and do some things with their kids and leave the house…..well…..that takes getting dressed and a maximum level of effort! I might feel like a downer or a stinky bad mom, but my kids get to clean their room today! And, when they get sent to clean their room, they clean for 5 minutes and spend the next 2 hours playing peacefully together (on a good day). And, it seems like today is a good day! Lucky me!when-you-need-a-wee-but-got-wet-nails-4b98d I painted my nails and got them to dry without any smudges or wrinkles or any big mistakes because I chose to lay down and have a cat nap! Ha Ha! My nails are perfect!  Usually I cant take the ten minutes it takes for the polish to dry because I have to be screwing around with things all the time. My hands are constantly busy. No wonder I have carpal tunnel! I colour, crochet, knit, write, paint…..whatever I can to keep my hands busy at night when Im chillin’ watching tv.

I don’t know about you, but it is hard to just sit still. Lately I have been trying to stay off my feet because I have a really painful thing called plantar fasciitis, and it feels like there is a spike inside my heel when I walk. So, I tend to sit as much as possible, or stand in one spot on one foot when I do things like the dishes! I sound like so much fun don’t I?? Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband the other day about conflict, and my lack of tolerance for it. I have some idea, but on the other hand I have no clue why it bothers me so much. I have a very quiet life. I love it like that. I know that I can have my relaxing down time when I come home. If I feel terrible, I just have to tell my hubby and kids, and usually they are pretty thoughtful of me at these times. I know that they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and that things will change rapidly when it happens, but for now, I will revel in what I have.

loveMy conflicts lately have been in my head. I am fighting with myself constantly about whether my “friends” and family actually like me or love me. I think about how we never have any company come to visit. Or how nobody calls just to see how I am doing. I seriously have two people who keep in contact with me on a regular basis. They are the closest people to me, whom I see way less than I should. I know these two people love me and are there for me, as I am for them. Both of these people are in my family and love me unconditionally, like family should. I feel the same for them. But as for people around me, I have nobody but my husband. I have friends who know me, whom I can share things with, but none of them come to see me to see how I am doing. None of them just drop me a text to say hey hows it going. It hurts me. When they need a favour, I am a go-to person. And I know people have busy lives, I know everyone has their issues to deal with, but I hate always being the bottom rung. The first one they go to, or need to get up higher, and once they hit their height, the first rung they needed is forgotten. I know alot of these feelings could be my disorder, could be me being too sensitive, but to me, these feelings are real and painful. I usually keep these feelings inside without sharing them because my family tends to call them “poor me moments” or a “pity party”. This is just an insensitive way of realizing someone actually has anxiety and/or depression. My whole family is riddled with it, and the majority of my aunts and uncles have had these moments or little parties. I personally hate the terms they use, it’s offensive, but who can call them out on it? No one has and no one will. I will bitch about it, but I don’t really want to cause a war in the family. Too many of those have happened in the last year because of me being honest already! Ha Ha!

Wow, it has been a real shit show! It might actually be better that I have lost contact with some of them. I mean, it really is hard to keep track of everyone nowadays anyhow….I did the math not too long ago, and just with my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids, there is about 79 of us all together. At one point I could remember my aunt, uncles and cousins birthdays. Not anymore! Ha Ha!

Anyways, what I was trying to get at in the first place, is that seeing what everyone else is doing in their life on a regular basis can be bad for your brain! I see all sorts of love and excitement and cheers and hugs and accomplishments on a certain social media site, and it is starting to cause me heart ache, because I am not that mother, or father, or aunt. I don’t take my kids on all sorts of outings and events. I don’t belong to any groups or I don’t have a 100% spotless house at all times….who am I kidding….at any time! Ha Ha! I love my kids, but I don’t do sports. I personally cannot afford sports for them either. I have them in swimming lessons and they will be going back to piano lessons when we are financially sound enough…..but seriously…..if your life is not all pudding cups and lollipops, stop portraying it like that! We all have bad days. We have all yelled a time or two or more at our children. We are not always smiles, or appreciative of the things we have, or positive. It is okay world. It is okay to have a bad freaking time of things. If you do, I encourage you to share.share Share…..when you do, you give others the opportunity to help and be there for you. You give others the chance to see that their lives aren’t so different. You can make it okay for others. If you struggle, don’t do it on your own. If you read this posting of mine on facebook, you can see in the comments how what I say can sometimes help others. My aunt, sweet, dear Aunt Sue, always comments on my postings, she knows how things feel, and she lets me know that she is there, listening and reading every word I throw out, there is support.

I want to keep things as real as possible, and as I sit here typing my entry for the day, I am at my desk in my bedroom with jogging pants, fuzzy socks and a nightgown on. I have perfect nails! But my room is a mess…..I hate putting clothes away….despise it…and I am seeing it out of the corner of my eye. I know I have to do it….but I don’t want to. I have had to yell at my kids a couple of times, they have been hounding me to play their game system for the last 20 minutes. I say no, they have a tantrum. But, alas, my words are still being written!

Keep it real people. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it can drain you….but you do it, you fight for it, you love people, loving people means opening yourself up and sometimes getting hurt, but we do it all again, and again, and again!

Reality and honesty is my truth, it is my everyday. It is my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Mirror, Mirror

27 Oct

Now that I am officially no longer self employed, I feel like I have no purpose. My worldmirror has been flipped upside down and personally, I have no idea how to deal. I didn’t think it would be this way. I thought that I would be fine, enjoy staying at home and being a mom and a wife and keeping up my house, since its been hard to do that for the last 10 years.

Now that I have no job, I am feeling down in the mouth. I was crying yesterday because of it. It is like a weight has been lifted, but then I look around and don’t recognize anything. I’m in a whole new world now. For 10 years, I was not only fulfilling a dream, but also being fulfilled by bringing people joy and for employing people from the community. Now that it is gone, I am reaching for anything to give me that fulfillment and purpose. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am or what I would like to do in life. I have been in an apron for so long, I have no clue how to deal without it. In the last 10 years, I have been raising my children, and running a business. I worked so hard and so much some weeks that it felt like I never saw my children. I remember putting in a 15 hour day and crying by the time I left to go home because I knew I had missed bed time and they never saw me that entire day. Those days were hard. Very hard emotionally and physically.

complaintI think what drained me the most was my strive for perfection. I know, not everything can go perfectly all the time, but I wanted it to. And when I disappointed someone, it killed me. I know for a fact that anyone who runs and owns a small business feels like their business is going under even when they get a small complaint. You go through a small panic attack and it puts your whole day out of whack. I will not miss this feeling.

So, what do I do now? What do I want? Who will hire me? I know, I just want a part time job and focus the rest of my time on my home and children and husband and writing, but what do I want to do for those 20 hours a week? Does it matter?employer Will it define me? Is it going to be embarrassing for me to see people who used to come to me for cakes, now seeing me doing something like serving them a coffee? Don’t get me wrong, I think that all jobs are important and I don’t look down on anyone, but it is quite a change of pace. Like I have to integrate myself back into society as a former business owner, as an employee not an employer. I was proud of my third baby, it’s hard to see her go, it’s hard not to go there everyday, and its hard not seeing Shanna everyday. I didn’t count on all these feelings.

I didn’t count on this depressed feeling. No job. No purpose. No money. Sadness. Rest. Rest? I have never in my life, been without a job for longer than 2 weeks. I have worked work-hard-1from the time I was 12 years old. I created my own job with a friend of walking dogs, and I babysat from 12 as well. When I was 14 I got a job as a dishwasher, then while still babysitting and going to school, I worked at a local pizza place. When I was 16 I took on a babysitting job that started at 6 am, and then I had to pick the kids up at the daycare after school and watch them until 11 pm. I was their mother for a whole year. When I was 19 I was running a bar. I was a bartender, made the schedule, ordered the food from the suppliers, cooked, served and worked the DJ booth when nobody else could. That was a lot of responsibility for a little money. I am not lazy, and now that I have no job, I feel lazy. I know, it has only been a few days, but I am hyper sensitive. I am also on a path of being super healthy and fit, and I had to peel myself out of bed at 5:07 this morning to get to the gym. I have started talking myself up….I have to. This morning I was telling myself to get up, beat the depression monster, don’t let it take over, don’t quit. I deserve better. Work for it. Get results.

Man, a lot of things run through my head everyday now, not just what has to be done at the shop, what supplies we need and who is working, what to make for supper, and what activities the kids have to do on what night.

I know this feeling should pass…..I am not sure when or how, but I know it will. It has to. I guess its one day at a time, baby steps. I had a friend talk me out of eating my feelings last night. She just texted me at the right time, and I confessed how I felt to her. I thought about it and just decided to go to bed instead of having another drink and something to eat. I went right to sleep. It was a good choice, and I hope I keep making them.

Hopefully every day gets easier. Evolution is inevitable, things will move and change, and I have to guide myself where to go and how to take myself there, it is learning how to do it that is key. Anyone know how to pick a lock? ha ha!

First Step!

7 Oct

I have committed to a healthy lifestyle. I have committed to becoming the strongest person I have ever been in my entire life. I AM. I WILL get strong. I WILL get healthy. I WILL get fit!

I have made an assessment of myself, physical and mental. And I can tell you….they both need some work! Ha Ha! But seriously, I took pictures of myself and really looked at what I have done to myself. It was pretty damned hard to really look. Oh My! I am suffocating myself in all of this extra weight. I swear to the heavens, I am a super hot woman…. but I am hiding. I know what I have done. I know why I have done it.

To lose this weight, I must stay completely truthful to myself and in order to that, I gain strength from you. Yes, my readers. My strength is in the knowledge that I take you with me on this journey. It really empowers me and helps me so much. Thank you, all of you for supporting me all of this time so far. I am excited to take you on this new journey, which is a part of my original one….just on a different level.

I was debating on whether or not to post the pictures of me that I took that I am disgusted by. And, I know you might think that if the committment is true, then I will…..but I don’t think that I can do that. Some of you that read this are my neighbours and friends and such. I love you all….but I just can’t do that. Maybe after a bit, I will show a before and after. Also, I will not tell you my starting weight. Just know that I am somewhere between 2-300 pounds. Even that sentence was rough to say. Ugh.

For all of those people who have never sruggled with weight…. just know that the struggle is real. I just stumbled upon a show called Fit to Fat to Fit. It is pretty amazing. The trainer takes on a client for 4 months and before they start training together, the trainer gains as much weight as possible for 4 months. Then, as a team, they lose the weight together. When watching this, the trainers really have a tough time. They see the heavier side of things. They understand the struggle. That, is very empowering for a life time chubber. I know, that I need support. I need to kick my own ass, but more so, I need to change my way of thinking. I need to take on the values of the importance of keeping my body my temple. I really need to be aware of the consequences when I chose the wrong food to fuel my body.

This is so real right now.

I am scaring myself. But I am going to do this. I want to do this.

You know, I have NEVER worn a bikini. I have NEVER been comfortable in any kind of swim suit. The last time I went on a ferris wheel ride with my child, the bar to hold us in was VERY tight across me. That, felt like shit. Every time I do something or go somewhere, I assess how I can fit, where I will be able to stand or sit. I am aware of my size every single day, everywhere that I am.

Right now, I am starting to blush. I am breathing a little harder…..I am embarassed of what I have done to myself. I have swallowed all of my pain. All of the times of being molested, raped, hit and teased. I tried to eat that away. I tried to wrap myself in a blanket of fat to stay warm and cozy to be protected. All it has done, has made me almost drown.

Time to change.

I actually had my first “all in” day yesterday! I can’t tell you how much better I feel already! I took the kids for an hour long walk, I made a super healthy supper. I did a little bit of exercise. Today, I woke up feeling great! I had energy AND I felt positive and happier. Today, again, super healthy food choices, and I am full. I don’t feel hungry! I feel hunger at night when I am in bed, and I want to keep feeling that. I know my body is burning the fat if I am hungry at night….I need my body to get used to not eating late at night, to not crave bad foods. It makes me excited.

Now, for my goal. I am giving myself small goals of 10 pounds every 9-14 days. My big goal is to lose 100 pounds by my fortieth birthday. Wow, I just shared that goal! It is a huge goal, and I intend to keep it. I have not committed to anything like this with so many people in my life. I feel panic right now….but I got this. Wow. Wow Wow. Thats all I can say.

Okay…..Im gonna do this!

 

The Next Phase

6 Oct

I guess what it comes down to when getting yourself off of drugs without a doctor to guidecant-sleep you, is that it effects your body in phases. First I felt sick, like I had the flu and I was vomiting, then, the dizziness came along with the rest. Now, the flu-like symptoms have subsided, but I still have the dizziness and added along with it is insomnia! Awesome! I am fine all day long, with bouts of dizziness happening and I am great until about 7-8 pm. This is when I really feel woozy and light headed and I start to get really tired. My eyes are little slits and I want to close my eyes. The “funny” thing is, that as soon as my head hits my pillow…..I could take on the world! This. Is. So. FUN!!!!

I do have some restful sleep and I wake up beautifully. I am not groggy, I am happy and look forward to the day. I usually wake up to the sound of one of my sons fighting with the other or just being a little too loud with a breakfast request to my husband! I used to loathe being woke up on a day that I could sleep in. I was downright bitchy if I woke up to some screaming from the kids or some loud damn machine outside my window that the city likes to do….send workers out at 7:30 in the morning to get rid of the stumps or something like that. Ha Ha! I laugh now, because it does not bother me, in fact, it makes me more aware that I am a grown up that owns my own home and has a great family. How about that huh? An anxious person looking on the bright side!! WOW!!! Breakthrough! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, hopefully this phase of not sleeping will only last a little while. In fact, now that I think of it, none of my symptoms have lasted that long at all. Just the dizziness that won’t really leave. I think I might be lucky in this aspect.

Since I have really started to see the forest through the trees as it were, I have decided to take that next step to get my physical health to match my mental health. I know that by doing this, they will end up benefitting from each other and I will eventually be the best person I can really be.

bestThey say that life is too short, to eat the cake, as it were. Well….I am thinking that if you always eat the cake, your life will end up shorter! I am deciding to make a vow to myself in front of all of you. I will be accountable for my own health, well being and when it comes down to it…..LIFE. I will choose the better way.

I am devoting myself to reach my higher self. To be my own hero in a sense. I will defeat my own demons, I will make the right and healthy choices. I will not deviate from my change of lifestyle. In fact I am half way there already, just by my healthy food choices. Now, I have to get my ass up, out, and burn off all the negativity and repressed feelings that have gathered around my middle, and that is hanging off my arms, that is packed on my thighs, that is making my face super wide….ugh. Gross. Ha Ha! And before anyone who is on the chubby side decides that they don’t like my wording…. Yes, yes, big can be beautiful…I know, except that I don’t feel good like this. Being overweight, I realized that I am weighing myself down. I packed on these pounds to hide all of the hurt. I am carrying around my pain, in fat form. Healthy Life wooden sign with a beach on background

I don’t want to do this anymore damnit! I have had it!!

I have started on a journey. And truth be told….I think the journey started when I accepted the things that I did not want to face. I didn’t want to accept all of my past as the truth. But, it is the truth. I will face it. No more hiding. No more suffocating myself just to stop the truth. What has happened, what other people have done to me…..that is on them. It was unfortunate that these people chose me to do these rotten things to, but if it wasn’t me, it could have been someone else. And maybe that other person couldn’t have been as strong, perhaps that would-be victim couldn’t stand being a survivor, or in the end, would only keep the circle going. I am now grateful that it was not someone else. I would not be who I am today. I wouldn’t be this strong, determined and appalled by injustices. Honestly, I don’t think I would be quite as trusting of others, if that makes sense. No matter who has hurt me, no matter how many times I have been hurt, I never ever lose my sense of trust.

I have one decision in the end. I decide to do this for me. I chose to put myself first right now, to heal, to be the true me. Don’t I sound like an after school special? Ha Ha!!!

It is time. I am going to get fit. I am going to get healthy. I am responsible. My kids are going to love this! I have already told my oldest son that we are going to be more physical. That we are going to go back to the gym. We all need this! Kids soak up everything that they see. I don’t want them to think that a seditary lifestyle is okay, or good enough. I don’t want them to be breathing hard to make it up the stairs. I want them to be confident and healthy!

This journey  is deserving of a name! And since I have a big birthday coming up next year, I will name it after that! What a great start to the beginning of the journey for the rest of my life!

I think it’s going to be Foxy by Forty! (I am *gulp* 39 right now)

foxy_lady_by_nessmonster-d50fd8j

Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.

 

Day Number Three

26 Sep

Today is day number three. Three of what? you say? Day number three of being off those day-3damned Cipralex pills. They should come with a personal warning, saying that “this is the pill that every doctor will try to put you on first. This pill tosses your emotions around like a rag doll and turn your anxiety into a downward spiral of depression in a matter of months.” I had more issues than that on this medication and the last month was the worse. My body and mind just did not do well on this pill. When I started feeling worse, I told my doctor and he just upped the dosage. This caused the effect on my body.

I decided, after not being able to enjoy a family celebration, that I would stop taking this “medication” cold turkey. Now I know there are some adverse effects that can happen when cutting them out all together, but I thought I would risk it. ANYTHING is better than feeling this way ALL the time. I would rather feel depressed off and on, then feel it every day all day and not even be able to walk out my front door. To be ashamed of myself every day and not want to see anyone. Not the life for me. I am a fun and outgoing, boisterous person who would do anything for anyone…..depression does not fit into this person very well at all. I’m gonna kick its ass this time. I am so done and over with the shitty feelings. I am done and over listening to a doctor who spends two minutes with me and decides what medication I should be on. I am going to do what feels right.happy-pills

Right now, I feel better. I am happy. I was being goofy and playful with my son this morning before he went to school. I wasn’t trying to be happy and fun, it just happened. This felt great! I am seeing a bit of the person that I used to be……I cant wait to meet her again!  I know this perfect feeling wont last during every day, and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it some of the time.

Things are starting to look up for me right now, and my husband is on board. He is telling me what vitamins to take and what foods to eat so I can correct the chemical imbalance that I have. He is supporting my decision, and so is my mother. We were both on a medication that made us feel not so great, and we both decided to stop taking it. I don’t advocate to anyone to stop their medication, I am just saying that I did it. Its the third time that I have tried and the first time that it was a success…..so far!

I hope it lasts. But I would think that after three days, most of it is out of my system. But I am no doctor…..*ugh*

I will keep up on the blog and letting you know how everything is going. I hope I see a weight loss….not only with my body, but on my shoulders as well!! And, I am hoping to start seeing the bright side of things more often now. Depression is an ugly beast and I hate battling with it everyday. I hope I wont have to fight so much now.

I will get my sleep, I will take the vitamins my hubs wants me to take, and I will feel better.

Oh….I will. try