Archive | Psychiatrist RSS feed for this section

The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

Advertisements

Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.