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Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache… children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still… awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.



Hands In the Dirt!

21 May

Oh what a glorious day! Sun is shining and the temperature is perfect! This year my husband and I have really been concentrating on our yard and garden! We live in the city and fortunately we have a pretty decent sized back yard. It makes it great for the kids, they can run and play, and so can the dog.

This year more than most years I have come to appreciate being outdoors. I was always an indoor person, always busy doing something to either organized, clean or improve the house. Now, I am beginning to love the outdoors.  I don’t mean going in the bush to hunt a rabbit or anything, just play around in the yard or work on the looks of the outside of the house. So far this year I have put in a strawberry garden, moved my hostas, hung flower baskets and painted the fence in the backyard and the front porch. Yesterday I hung up some more hanging baskets and lanterns for the fron! I came in the house afterwards and showed him my big girly muscles! ha ha! He was making supper.. not sure how he felt about this, but the porch looked good and dinner was great…. both winners!

I love to sit outside and blow bubbles for the kids, they run around like crazy seeing how far the bubbles will go, or just trying to catch a bubble! They ride their bikes up and down the street and play with the rest of the neighbourhood kids. You know, my neighbourhood has really come more personal and just more friendly. We kind of do a kid rotation now…which is so nice! Always a parent to look after everyone! Nobody is ever nervous anymore about our own kids when we see the other parents outside. This lets me be an even better neighbour. I can help others on my block with different projects that they have going as well. I love to do this. I was born to help. I was born to make others happy.

Anyway, off track! So, now that my appreciation for the fresh air and sunshine is hitting an all time high for me, I am loving doing the gardening and having my hands in the dirt. Now, I am an old hat at getting down and dirty, I used to garden with my mom and have to pick weeds and plant, when we moved to the country, I had to help with taking down dead trees and planting new trees along side of the fields, still more gardening and of course the country jobs that rural teens usually have  like shucking corn, corn detasseling and I even shoveled corn with my step dad which is not fun work. I love the dirt. Especially that rich dark soil, that soil that you know the plants will just open themselves up to and blossom like you want them to.

My kids are city kids and I am trying to get them to open up to being comfortable in the dirt and grime and hard work! There is no reward if you don’t work for it! That’s what I think. I was taught that as well. My mom worked really hard at all times. I never really saw her do nothing except at night when she wasn’t working. Lead by example! It really works! I am proof!

Connecting with nature is wonderful and I look around more now and just see the creatures and plants around me. I see it now. I didn’t see it before….now I do!

Get your hands in the dirt, go for it! It just might melt all the stress that you have been carrying!