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Wake Up!

12 Jan
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Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!

Gone but not forgotten

18 Oct

I recently stopped taking my  anti depressants. I feel great. I have lots of energy and I get up bright and early to exercise! Tomorrow marks the first two weeks since I have started. I can see a small difference already in my body. My head is also clearer and more happy. I have more goals and different goals than I had ever had. I want to hike. I love hiking!hiking I want to hike the Bruce Trail eventually. I want to run in a marathon. I want to join a baseball team. I just guess I want to do everything that I have never done or never wanted to do before. And just so you know, I am in this for the long haul. I am into being dedicated to my health and physical fitness for life. Yes, I want to be a lifer!

As far as the depression is concerned, it is gone…..but the anxiety lingers. I felt it for the first time again while we were away at the cottage. My husband took the boys into town, about 20 minutes away, and I started to worry. Like, if they got into an accident, there would be nobody to call. I have all of the health information for the boys, they have no phone with them, if someone finds them hurt, how will anyone know that I am at the cottage waiting for them to get back? These, are very anxious thoughts. I recognized it for what it was immediately and started breathing, I took a walk and by the time I was at the end of the driveway, I could see them coming down the road! I knew I was worrying without reason, and this time, I caught it! That nasty anxiety, always wants to rear its ugly head and make sure I haven’t forgotten it!

So nowsad I have come to terms on accepting what has been done to me in the past, and trying to learn and grow from my pain. I feel different, I feel stronger. But, in the same breath, I am also more sensitive. There was a hullabaloo in my family just recently, and I was the one blamed for it all. I don’t have any idea why I would get the blame for others actions, but there it is. In the end, my mother gave me some sound advice to ignore them, delete them from my facebook and just consider the source. Well…I did follow that advice, but it still stings to know that some members of my family have cast me away. They no longer have any love for me and would rather talk bad about me to other family members in order to get the message across. That kind of thing, can start someone on a downward spiral. I cried, of course I cried….some very nasty things were said, only by two of my aunts. Everyone else is super cool!  And if you know me and love me, you know that I would give anyone the shirt off my back and apologize that it wasn’t enough. So, what is a girl to do, but call mom! Aren’t mothers great? They stand up with you, they dry your tears and straighten your back. My mom does anyhow. She is the best. So, since I am off the drugs and dealing with things in a different way, I also have to recognize when a feeling is happening and decide whether it is normal or not. Then, go from there. It will be a learning process….but I am dealing with it so far.

Other than that, everything is hunky dorey! Now, that I can omit the bad, I can accept the good. Surround myself with good people with good vibes. Learn to love myself.self-love This, is a feat! It is not easy to have grown up thinking I was bad, a failure and a terrible person, because why else would so many bad things happen to one person? To learn to love the person I am now, is going to take some time and some good support from good people. I no longer feel that everything bad that happens to others, I have to fix. I am letting go of hanging on in a sense! Ha Ha!! Those words worked out well! Ha Ha!

So in my journey to a better me, a healthier me, mind and body, I am learning with baby steps. I don’t think that anybody can go all in at once with this stuff! Thanks for supporting me, learning who I am and going on my journey with me! I can’t wait for results and pictures that I can show you!

Day Number Three

26 Sep

Today is day number three. Three of what? you say? Day number three of being off those day-3damned Cipralex pills. They should come with a personal warning, saying that “this is the pill that every doctor will try to put you on first. This pill tosses your emotions around like a rag doll and turn your anxiety into a downward spiral of depression in a matter of months.” I had more issues than that on this medication and the last month was the worse. My body and mind just did not do well on this pill. When I started feeling worse, I told my doctor and he just upped the dosage. This caused the effect on my body.

I decided, after not being able to enjoy a family celebration, that I would stop taking this “medication” cold turkey. Now I know there are some adverse effects that can happen when cutting them out all together, but I thought I would risk it. ANYTHING is better than feeling this way ALL the time. I would rather feel depressed off and on, then feel it every day all day and not even be able to walk out my front door. To be ashamed of myself every day and not want to see anyone. Not the life for me. I am a fun and outgoing, boisterous person who would do anything for anyone…..depression does not fit into this person very well at all. I’m gonna kick its ass this time. I am so done and over with the shitty feelings. I am done and over listening to a doctor who spends two minutes with me and decides what medication I should be on. I am going to do what feels right.happy-pills

Right now, I feel better. I am happy. I was being goofy and playful with my son this morning before he went to school. I wasn’t trying to be happy and fun, it just happened. This felt great! I am seeing a bit of the person that I used to be……I cant wait to meet her again!  I know this perfect feeling wont last during every day, and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it some of the time.

Things are starting to look up for me right now, and my husband is on board. He is telling me what vitamins to take and what foods to eat so I can correct the chemical imbalance that I have. He is supporting my decision, and so is my mother. We were both on a medication that made us feel not so great, and we both decided to stop taking it. I don’t advocate to anyone to stop their medication, I am just saying that I did it. Its the third time that I have tried and the first time that it was a success…..so far!

I hope it lasts. But I would think that after three days, most of it is out of my system. But I am no doctor…..*ugh*

I will keep up on the blog and letting you know how everything is going. I hope I see a weight loss….not only with my body, but on my shoulders as well!! And, I am hoping to start seeing the bright side of things more often now. Depression is an ugly beast and I hate battling with it everyday. I hope I wont have to fight so much now.

I will get my sleep, I will take the vitamins my hubs wants me to take, and I will feel better.

Oh….I will. try

Full Circle

6 Jul

So, I try to slow my roll, take it easy, soak up the sun and spend time with the kids, read and just chill. It’s easier said than done, that is for sure!

If I don’t panic about home or the kids, I panic about the bakery. We have a slower week, I panic, I owe money to someone, I panic! I guess it’s in my nature to panic! Worry and panic are my life right now! And then I think, if this gets done, then I will be okay, then there is something else to worry about. It’s a never ending roll of calm and worry. And, it’s easy to look at me or talk to me and think, she doesn’t seem that bad. But you are not in my head!

The little things do work for a while. The sun really helps me, and reading books helps tremendously as well. Projects work. I have had an ongoing project this summer with my front yard. Doing some landscaping and making it look fabulous, this gives me joy and a sense of accomplishment. I also get to spend time with my family when it is being done!

happyI was thinking yesterday….surprise surprise! And, I came to the conclusion that during the summer, I don’t really want to spend time worrying and dreading the housework. The summer is meant for outdoor activities and having fun with the kids. I decided to not worry about it, except for the laundry and the dishes. So, the kids stuff is in the living room….oh well….. keep calm, it’s their house too. It is very difficult to think this way. When I was in my darkest times, I didn’t care about anything, to put it bluntly, I couldn’t give two shits about the state of my house. I was just tired and couldn’t handle anything. I put blinders on to everything that I could not handle. Now, in the more recent times, I have started coming out of the darkness little by little and in that greyish area, I have started caring more about the state of my home. I spent 5 hours cleaning my childs room, I hate to see the mess that my hubby and kids made while I was at work and didn’t clean up! I mean, come on guys! There is still bits of cereal on the table from breakfast! Clean it up!!!! This is when my depression fades and my OCD starts kicking in! And as I write this I think.. Wow…. not much of a mess am I? circle

I just thought that I sound like someone who just cannot be pleased or happy in any state of mind that I am in! That is not true. The battle is all inside my head. I am just sharing with you everything that is usually locked up inside my cranium! Fun! There I go….worrying about others more than myself again! That is something else that the depression/anxiety manual does not tell you! In my case, I worry about others more than myself and spend all of my energy making sure others are happy! I listen to the music others like before I put something on that I like. I guard what I say and who I say it in front of for fear of being misunderstood or hurting someone and vigilant about other peoples feelings. I worry about saying the wrong thing in front of others and they taking it the wrong way and being hurt. I worry even at work when I come in to bake at 5-6 am and then leave at 1pm, does my staff think that I don’t work? Do they think I am lazy?

I really have to find myself again. In the middle of all of this worry and anxiety/depression stuff…. I have forgotten who I am and what I like and my opinions that I have. I have been asking myself lately, what kind of music do I really like? You know…. I don’t know anymore. What kind of movies and shows do I like? I don’t know anymore. What do I like to do in my spare time? Worry? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have that time anymore. And if I spend it reading…..what else have I done? What else do I like to do? Wow…. it’s hard to know who I am right now. I hope it will come to me soon enough.

Damnit! Stupid brain! Freaking chemicals! UGH!!!

I am happy. I have a wonderful life with fabulous people in it. All this other crap, I need to maintain, I need to keep it  under control and manageable. I won’t let it eat me alive and hurt anyone.

Just letting you know, that it’s good to calm down and look around. I am going to try laying down outside at night and looking at the stars, I am going to try watching the wind whip  the leaves on the trees, keep slowing it down more and more. I want that joyous feeling, I want to feel that expressive joy and wonder like my kids do. I want to breathe. I need to keep telling myself that everything is okay. I have a roof, a family, friends, a business….what more do I need?

Now that my day of work has been done, what will I do with myself? Do the dishes and read a book. Maybe colour a bit and play the piano. Calm is what I need. It has to be a daily reminder to myself to breathe and be calm. It’s like a new habit that has to be formed. Like a daily affirmation! I know that sounds dorky, but it’s completely true! I am good enough, I am smart enough and God darnit, people like me! Ha Ha!

That is what I have to keep in mind. I am surrounded by people who support me, and whom I support in kind. We are all like a woven blanket, relying on the other stitch to support the next in line, and in the end, we keep someone who is cold, warm.

warI am thinking that this battle will never be won, but with constant supervision and vigilence, a war will be avoided. The tight jaw and lungs, are just the first warnings to something bigger to come. So, lots of sleep is needed and patience and time alone helps as well. Don’t be scared to open up. There are more people suffering silently with this than anyone knows! You could very well be saving someone who didn’t know they needed the help!

Enjoy the heat! Ugh!

The Goofy Effect

13 Apr

I know it has been a while since you read about the lighter side of things in my life, and I think it’s about time, since I am starting the healing process. I like to be truthful to my kids to the point that they will understand certain things,  but I don’t tell them too much that will upset them or make them a paranoid adult. I am trying to raise understanding, compassionate, responsible, funny, smart and thoughtful adults. To do that, I don’t think that they should be left in the dark. Kids want to know. As a mother, I can let my kids know and I know how much is too much.

With that being said, I know my kids are super loving and compassionate. They need a little work sometimes on the responsible and thoughtful side of things, but they are still so young….there is time to work on that! I tell my kids probably about 5 or 6 times a day that I love them. They gets tons of hugs and kisses everyday and I let them know just how much I love the fact that they are my children. I tell them that they are so cute that I can’t stand it…. they say that they know! How do you know? I ask. Because you say it aaaaalllllll the time! Is the response I get! Ha Ha! Okay, I get it. I will pull it back a little for a little while. There is no way I can stop that though! Ha Ha!

I have never had any siblings, so it is pretty overwhelming for me to hear these two little guys have a love/hate relationship with each other on a daily basis! I don’t think that I have ever been around that so much in my life! Even when I was a kid, I had friends that had older siblings and I didn’t really get exposed to the hair pulling fights. I am in shock everyday! I want to pull my own hair out when they are constantly yelling at each other and then one boy makes the other one cry and then the one crying want retaliation and starts yelling and screaming at the other one and then there is door slamming and usually some tattling. The tattling got so bad that I just told them that I didn’t want to hear it and to deal with it on their own, upstairs, of course. I have no idea what to do most times! And, as long  as there is no real damage done, I am thinking that this might be normal!

It’s not like this everyday though. They are the best of friends and they love each other more than I could even imagine. It makes me long for that, that complete closeness with a sibling. The mutual understanding and love, being raised with the same parents in the same house and having the same familial dynamics (if that is a thing!).  Half the time, with my kids, I have no  idea what the heck they are saying! It’s like they have their own language! I love when they are getting along and laughing with each other. They do get pretty loud when they are having fun too! But this loudness I can handle. I never knew that a house could get so loud. I think about the people walking past our house and wonder what they are thinking about the thunderous sounds coming from inside! ha ha!

It’s funny, when we have children, we always compare them to ourselves, no matter who you are, you know that you can look at your child and think he/she looks like so and so, or they act like their father/mother, etc. I do it all the time. I wonder if kids ever  get sick of hearing these things or if it makes them feel good? In any case, I know that my kids have their own sense of humour! They find the oddest things funny. And they are odd! Watching them become more adult like and more human (for lack of a better word) is completely mind blowing. My oldest son cracks jokes like an adult. And he is really really funny! The faces he makes can have my husband laughing so hard that he has tears in his eyes! Morley is a performer for us! He does these crazy dances and sings and sometimes I shake my head and wonder where he is from! Did I ever act super weird like this? Im supposing that I did….but I don’t really remember it.

My youngest son Adam has more of a dry humour and has his comedic timing down to a science! He doesn’t even know how funny he is until Gord and I can’t contain our laughter! Dry humour, and random, he is very random. Like wanting to paint the house purple and wanting to eat a train!?

These little guys are full of energy and humour! There is never a dull moment in our house, or a quiet one for that matter…..unless they are asleep! But, my kids help me stay sane. They give me the love that I need so much, the hugs, kisses. Their neverending need to be around me. They actually like me! I like me when I am around them, most of the time. You know, those times that make you think you are going to pull your hair out because they won’t listen or talk back, or some sort of misbehaviour! I love being a mom. And I think they love being my kids! My family is very close, we are almost always together, even in the same room. They follow me around the house like puppies!

I am so grateful for them, they are goofy and wacky and loving and beautiful!

Strength

31 Mar

strengthThere I was, decorating cakes. Putting a good coat of icing on the cake. I had just had a talking to with one of my employees about behaviour and trust and the right way to do things at the bakery. Trust is a major issue. If I can’t trust you then I question everything, my choices and theirs. I was quietly contimplating on how my employee thinks that I am. Does he know the struggles that I have had and what I have dealt with? Does he know that I will not ever be treated like a doormat again? Does he know that I will not tolerate anything less than hard work and dedication? Does he know how many other employees have treated me like shit and I put up with it for so long?

I changed my mind after been bitten so many times by people. No matter the amount of beating down I have taken, I always try to see the best in people. I always see the good and it takes me a while to notice the negative things. I was friends with someone for 30 years before I realized she was a truth twisting narcissist who only was interested in her own benefit! Now, that is either stupidity or blindness on my part! I still only see the good, but I learn quicker now on what is genuine and what is not. I learned to be a little more weary with trust.

Then I was thinking about my own strength. I do not know anyone who is stronger than my own mother. She has dealt with a lot of terrible things in her life, people pushing her down and taking advantage of her, tragedy and so on. She has lived through it, she is strong because she had to be strong.

She is so strong on the outside, that it is almost to the point of being her weakness. Now, she has to stay strong because that is what people expect. But inside she is warm and fuzzy and loving. The more she loves you though, the less you see of the inside. She has to be the strongest for the ones she loves. I love her dearly and I would take a bullet for her, but I do not wish to be like that in that regard.

I am a big pile of mush. I hug, I cry, I love, I talk, and talk, and talk….. but I don’t find this a weakness. I am strong. Even though I am soft and squishy, I have a core that is pure strength. My strength is taking help when I need it. Saying sorry when I have made a mistake, giving my child a hug when they are crying, talking to others about what I have gone through to help them. My strength is facing my demons, it is reliving my pain in order to heal. It is telling the people that I love, “I love you”.

I am strong. It takes strength to talk of my pain. It takes strength to tell the world. To know that everyone (almost) that I know and call friend or family will read my very words. Some will be shocked at what I write, others will not. But this most of all takes strength. Strength is not pulling a 7 ton car with your teeth. Strength is not denying yourself to feel your emotions. Strength is different for everyone. My cousin is showing his strength right now by surviving multiple surgeries and fighting. He has been fighting in the hospital for over a month. Just a teenager, and he has shown more strength than I can even imagine. Go Josh! https://m-crohnsandcolitiscanada.akaraisin.com/11470/team/105893

That being said, I know my strength, I know my mother’s strength, I know Josh’s strength and the strength of his parents and grandparents and siblings. Because those that are strong while dealing with an illness, they also need to feed on the strength of the loved ones who would take on their fight if they could.

Know your strength. If you have not had to show it yet, you are lucky, or live under a rock! ha ha! But know that during your life, you will see just how strong you are.

 

 

The Long Hard Road

29 Mar

Now that I have come to terms with some things that have happened to me, or things that I have witnessed in my life, I have also come to terms with the fact that I need to heal and for that, I need therapy. Therapy should be for everyone. It is not taboo and it is as healthy for us as going to the doctor for a physical check up. Body Mind Spirit.

Since I have started therapy, I really have found out how fragile I can be. I used to try to push memories down and not deal with things, which made me a different person. I fought hard to always be right, I needed complete control of all things in my life. I was a neat freak to the point of OCD. I still am a little OCD. Organization…. I love it. I love totes and paper, lists and full shelves of various household supplies like toilet paper and lightbulbs.

Since I have been married, which will be 12 years this summer, my protective walls have slowly been coming down. It took a good 9 years for me to be completely trusting of my husband. I know this sounds a bit strange, but if you have been hurt to the depth that I have, then you would understand. Since my barriers came down, I have been able to let myself feel every emotion I was pushing down since I was young. With the pain of all the traumas that I have had, I started to remember other traumas, which in turn became a big cluster of thoughts and worries in my head. I had no idea I had an anxiety disorder for years. It felt like a bee hive in my head, and the thoughts that I continually had were very disturbing. Little things really turn into big things when dealing with anxiety. In turn, I could feel my anxiousness turning into depression and I knew I had to act fast. That is a slippery slope to try to get yourself out of.

I chose to find myself. I chose to be the person I know my children deserve, the wife my husband deserves and the person I need myself to be.

Therapy is hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have done so far. I have to come to terms with everything bad that has happened, who did these things, the reactions and solutions my family had sought out for me and the outcome of it all.

This is fatiguing to my brain. This is strenuous for my heart and I want to curl up in my bed and stay there. My thoughts run wild and I dwell and rethink the session for the next day and a half. But, my therapist tells me that this is a good sign. This is a sign that I am working to better myself, my mental health is important and it is comforting to hear that this pain and fragility is normal.

Issues may be hard to deal with, but at least they are being dealth with. They are no longer festering in my psyche. They will not become a bigger issue that I won’t recover from in the future.

I do this for not only my family, but ultimately for myself. If I don’t, who will be there to take care of the precious people in my life?