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I suck….

18 Dec

So, lately I haven’t been feeling it. I have not been dealing with life very well at all. I am still suffering and this battle is never ending. I hate this. It’s like a damned rollercoaster in here! Good days and bad days, then a whole bunch of bad days….ugh. Lately I have been waking up in the morning with numb hands. I have carpal tunnel in both hands or wrists or whatever. This sucks large. And it is due to piping all of those cakes for the past ten years. Now, I am a cleaner and I need my hands. I can be mopping or sweeping and my  hands go numb. Then, when I step down and walk I have to walk gingerly because I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. This is very painful and prevents me from walking or doing things after a day of work. I just want to sit down because my foot hurts so bad. This means that I don’t want to go anywhere. I do. I want to go places, but I don’t want to walk around in pain and hobble around with a limp. I do not know if this is the reason that I am in a downer lately, but I am tired of this feeling.

I have no ambition to clean, do laundry or even do the baking for the week ahead. I want to cry and bury my head under the covers. I want to know why I feel this way. If I know the why, then I can work on how to get out of the funk. This time of year is my favourite, the kids get excited and I get ramped to see them so happy at Christmas, I love to give and I love to give things that I make. What is wrong with me? The Christmas spirit has not bitten me this year and I am failing. I am failing at everything it seems. I am not being the wife I should, I am pre-occupied  by my own pain to even listen, I am always off in my own head. I  want to be in the here and now, but something keeps blocking me from enjoying my everyday  life. There is so much joy to be had, I see it. I see my husband laughing and enjoying our children. I see him paying attention. I am there, I see it, but what is wrong with me? I am sitting there in the same room. I am doing something like crocheting and watching what I am doing in my own hands. I have a time limit to get these things done, yes, but why can’t I put the damned thing down for ten minutes and watch my son perform a silly little show where he is dancing and singing and being goofy? Why don’t I get up and go into the bathroom and supervise my youngest brush his teeth instead of waiting for him to come out and tell me that he brushed but he didn’t? It is the same every night and every night he has a fit about it. I could prevent that. But I sit in my chair like a cripple. Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like the victim all of the time.

I hate this fucking disease or disorder, or whatever the hell it is. It is taking me away from my family, it is taking me away from everything. The numbness in my hands goes away after a bit, and sometimes my foot is okay, but this mental shit is always there and it acts like a vaccuum. I cannot hear anything or anybody while it is in my head, and it sucks the sense of humour and joy right out of me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Don’t read that wrong, I want to live, I just want this shit gone.

I notice during my moments of clarity, that my children think that I will react to something a certain way, and when I don’t, they are surprised. Sometimes the trees block my view of the forest I guess. My oldest child just walked into my room to ask me something, I ended up hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him, which I do on a regular basis, but this time I told him that I was sorry for not being a good mommy sometimes. He looked at me, shocked, and ask me why I would say that. I told him that sometimes I feel like I am not the best mother, he in turn replied to me with tears in his eyes telling me that I am the best mommy, and if he could choose anyone in the world as a mommy, he would choose me. Wow, waterworks! I am bawling telling you this. Do you know why? Not only is my son the greatest human being in the world with the biggest heart, but I am also crying because I am not worthy of such unconditional love. I am not good enough for my children. They deserve so much better than me. I am a broken mom. I have all of these issues and I am scared that I am going to pass them on to them. I have some harsh reactions sometimes and I get scared that they will react like that too. I see other peoples lives on facebook, lots of pictures with their kids, lots of smiles and love love love, like they are always out and about doing loads of stuff with their kids without resting and taking a break. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they deal with stress and worry and all of the things that comes with life. Like, what do they have that I don’t? What is their secret? Why is everything so hard for me?

I can’t even stay with keeping on top of things. I slack. I mean, I made jars for my kids with chore in them on pieces of paper, I had them pick two per day, and that is their chore, well I was good at doing it for about 3 weeks, and now, in the last week I haven’t had them do it at all. I know, the holidays screw up all routines, but that feels like a loss of control for me. Like I didn’t care enough to keep it going. My intentions are good, but my follow through is really sucking right now. I am sucking right now. the game of life is getting the best of me. I need something to blame. I tend to just blame myself for everything, after all we all create our own destiny. Our life is in our hands. We get handed a bunch of obsticals, it is how we deal with each one that defines who we are.

My reason for this life is to help. I need to feel some sort of peace. I need always to help people. Right now, I have no idea how I am doing that. I clean. Who does that help, really? I know, it is something that needs to be done, yes, but there is nothing really meaningful about it. When I was baking, I was feeling like I was making people happy and bringing joy to their days. And through that, I could give the left over cupcakes to people who really couldn’t afford to eat. I gave them to The Inn of the Good Shephard. I also gave donations for fundraisers and supplied sweets for a cancer cruise every year. That, was good work, that was helping people. Now, I can’t even help myself. Gah, what the hell?

I guess my blog helps people, but it doesn’t reach far enough. I need it to reach more people to really make a difference. Maybe I need to go back to school to become something. To be someone again. Right now, I feel like a big pile of shit. Right now, I am not doing anything to help myself or anyone else. I am in a depression mode I suppose. Life is hard. Being in my own head is hard. I wish I could see inside someone elses head for a bit, see what it’s like to be “normal” if that is a thing. I am in such a bad head space, that this blog entry probably sounds erratic  and all over the place. I  don’t even know if I can join one thought to another. I need a shower, I need to take a walk, I need to get out of my head. I need therapy.

I suck.

What’s In There?

19 Oct

I am going to give you a look at what happens to a person (me) when they become fat. I wasn’t born this way. I was a mere 7 lbs when I was born. I was a cute blonde haired thin little girl. I only started on my weight gain journey after I had been molested. I think at 5 years old I started getting bigger. I can see it in the photos of myself when I was younger.

Alot of things have happened to me that I haven’t even scraped the surface in telling you. My biological father died 9 days before my first birthday, the pain that my mother feels over this keeps her from divulging any information about him in the first 20 years of my life.I  do not know his family.They don’t even know I exist.To this day, I have not seen his grave. Things happen in your mind when you feel incomplete, everyone who has been adopted can relate to this I think. Then I was molested between the ages of 3-5. My mother was in an accident which, at 5 years old I didn’t understand, except that she was hurt and my grandparents had to come and live with me for a while to take care of me. This caused some abandonment issues for me and within the first two weeks of her being gone, I had already peed my pants at school. This, is something that I do not blame her for. Ever. It is just something that happened in life, that had a ripple effect. During this whole time and it lasted about 10 years that I know of, I watched on as my cousin beat his sisters. He punched them in the face and gave them bloody lips and noses and black eyes. Their father and mother were abusive to each other as well. I remember going with my mother to pick up my cousins because my uncle was drunk and beating on my cousin because he thought she was her mother. There was alcoholism in this family too….not cool. I see my son get upset at seeing anyone being hurt or hearing his dad yell at something and he is in tears. Man, I can’t begin to think about the tough skin that I had to have already to witness all of this abuse.  About one year later, my grandmother, who I had grown very close to, had a heart attack. Everyone in my family was effected by this, not just me. I was very young though, and had gone through ALOT already. But wait, more is to come. So, after grandma’s heart attack or around the same time, my mom got a boyfriend who was a bit mean to me. I remember him hurting my face really bad, I hadnt washed it good enough and he took me into the washroom and wiped my face raw. It hurt and I was all red after that. Well, their relationship didnt last, and after he left, he saw me walking home from school and tried to get me to go with him, telling me that my mom told him to pick me up. I ran of course and didn’t go with him. I didn’t tell anyone ever about anything that happened or anything that I felt. Ever. It’s been locked up tight since this year. After that, when I was 8-9 I was in a very bad car accident which could have taken my life if the doctors hadn’t found my internal injuries. I was in the car with my two cousins and two friends. I can still produce the image of my cousin with her face in the dashboard and my  other cousin laying on top of her with her face in the windshield. It was not a good thing to see at the age of 9. I have not returned to the site of the accident since. Because of that, I had to learn how to clean my own wound by putting a tube into two holes in my stomach and pumping water into it and then putting a bandage back on. I cannot imagine my son having to do that. Torture. After that, my grandfather had a stroke and they had to move to town, my mother and I took on the taking care of my grandparents. When I was 10, I had to spend some nights at my babysitters again, and in that time, my molester started to visit me again at night. He came to me three times to prey on me. I told nobody. I said nothing, I pushed the feelings down and away. I was teased in high school for being fat. One nasty person would yell down the hallway at me and ask me “How much do you weigh this week Amy? 600 pounds?” and the bunch of people he was with would laugh and laugh at me. I felt nothing but hatred for him and I wanted to cry, but I kept walking past him like he said nothing. Another thing to push down and not feel. The teasing started with another person when I was as little as kindergarten. A boy would make fun of me and call me Miss Piggy every single day. School was torture. But I loved learning. After this, I had such a bad self esteem, I was worthless. I was defeated and beaten down. When I was 17 I got my first boyfriend. Which I lost everything to. I didn’t realize that he was a horrible person. I was getting attention and that is all that mattered. This person, raped me. My first time having sex, he raped me. I told him to stop, and he told me that I liked it. I didn’t know at the time I was raped. I do now. Sad. After that I lost about 125 pounds and gained some confidence. But not enough. This was the path for me, trusting everyone and getting beaten down every time. A whole list of men who mistreated me and abused me and never truly loved me like they say they did. Everything changed when I met Gord. But that is another story.

So, that is my story. Not in depth, there is alot of pain and alot of sorrow and sadness in my story, but this is where it changes. It’s like a switch went off in my head. I have spent the last 39 years being a victim, as someone who was full of shame and blame and self loathing. The next half of my life, I will be a survivor. I will be proud of all I have endured and overcome. I will no longer feel the sorrow and shame of that little girl, that teenager, that young adult. I will feel the pride of the woman that I am, that I have become and the woman who I have fought to see, and to be. I am finished with feeding my emotions. Now….I AM IN CHARGE!!! I am going to use my emotions to fuel my strength. I can see the future me, she is strong, full of life, healthy, happy and I can’t wait to meet her!

Going Down the Only Road I’ve Ever Known

4 Oct

Yes, Yes….I am getting better. I feel better, I am better. The only thing that resides is the dizziness. The constant head-swim. Ugh.

So, I wanted to do something productive today, besides baking for the shop and doing the regular stuff that has to be done. Something for me!

I decide I want to try to start writing a fictional novel. First I have to plan out characters and decide on a plot. So, I start drafting the main character, who I loosely base on me because in order to be a success, you write about what you know. And I know me! Ha ha! So, yes, I plan on making the main character like me, but not. To make her more of what I would have like to have been and give her ideas and characteristics that I would have liked at one point or so in my life. Does that make sense?

So, I am creating a character, then I start thinking about a plot. This part is the part that has me questioning myself and realizing that I really need more therapy and that I still have anxiety when it comes to personal things. I start thinking about making the plot about a mother with mental issues and trying to raise a child and hoping that he wont have the same affliction as she. Now, this is too close to home. I know. I know. I am not even writing a story yet, this is just the brainstorming part! I haven’t committed to anything and even if I did, I could change it! I write my own story, as it were!

My mind is now racing and feeling guilt. I feel guilty for being who I am, warts and all, in front of my children.What will this do to them in their future? Will they be compassionate, or develop real mental issues of their own? My mom hid her issues from me as best as she could and I was oblivious for the most part. I hadn’t a clue. Well….my kids know. I made sure that they knew I was anxious and it is real and I was taking medication for it.

See…this is what this shit does to a person! I honestly feel better, but maybe right now I am a little too “open” to be trying to write my first piece of fiction. I should just stay with writing my own life story and keep to that for now. That, I know what has happened and I can write about it without worrying about whether this means I am a good mother or not. I don’t question the me right now, I reflect on the me back then. I can mourn for her and feel the things that she hadn’t told anyone.

This is what I will do! Fiction can wait!

I don’t want to risk a total breakdown because I want to write  a story!

I feel much better now, having decided that! The weight and worry has been lifted for now. Until I am in bed at night wondering if I could have been a better mother that day. If I could have resolved the issues they had a little better. I feel the guilt for raising my voice at them and have to stop myself from waking them up just to get a hug and make sure they still love me! ha ha! Ugh! Being a parent is tough work, it does make it tougher though, when you think that every day, everything you say and do will effect the way they will grow up, thinking, I could just ruin this little person.

Wow….. Time to stop thinking and go back to baking. I think I owe myself a guiltless and peaceful walk in the park today. My brain is going to shut off for a while now!

 

Raw, and up to Here!

30 Sep

So, being off the drugs has been a blessing for me. Even though I have been feeling likeimg_8594 crap physically. It makes up for it with the clearness of everything! I went to lunch with my hubby the other day and I felt the sun on my shoulders and the breeze in my hair. I actually FELT it! I felt like just looking around at things and appreciating them for what they are. My emotions are back, maybe a little raw right now….but they have made their appearance.

lunatic-memeBut, really…..what is up now…….is my kids. Holy Hell in the morning! They are little hellions! I really think that they think their purpose in life is to make me frustrated and angry as many times as possible in one day! Wow! I love them to bits, they are my precious bundles of joy and I am blessed to be their mother….but really. Do you know how testing and hard it is to try and create decent adults? Wow!!!

I feel like I am chasing my own tail half the time and they are egging me on to do it! Seriously! I am glad my oldest is sympathetic and wants to help people, I have drilled that into my kids from the get go, and they see me doing all sorts of things for people. But, when he thinks that everything is unfair and nobody cares and his world is falling apart because his brother broke his thing he made out of Lego……ugh.

And when my youngest screams so terribly that it could break glass, because he has to clean up after himself and make his bed….well let me tell you…..just telling you this makes me tired. I would really, really like to find a way to motivate this one into doing what he is supposed to.

The lies, the….he said, he did, stop, no you stop, no fair, I can’t, I don’t want to!!!! Ahhhhh!!! Makes me want to pull my hair out!

Then, the whole “my parents are my slaves” thing! Mom I want this, Dad I want that. You know what? You are 7 and 9, if you want the ketchup…..get it! If you want a drink of water…..go get it! I have never ever treated my kids like they were fed with a silver spoon and I am not about to start now. Where does this entitlement come from? What did I do wrong?

I am an only child and I have no idea! I didn’t know about all the tattling and fighting and back talk and disrespect! I feel like I need a coach just to parent! I am constantly asking myself whether this is normal or not, especially when they bicker and fight and cry with each other ALL……DAY…….LONG!!

fighting-cherubs-1They used to get along just peachy! The oldest one looking out for the youngest, and the youngest being happy just to be near his older brother. What has happened? I do see some rare moments when they are civil to each other and there is no “hair pulling” or tattling happening, but it is just that…..rare. I know they love each other. I know it….I see it all the time, but I also think that they want to kill each other at the same time.

With what I have been going through lately with my withdrawls and feeling like a giant bag of over tired shit, I feel like I want to hibernate! I want to sleep for two days and when I wake up nice and refreshed I want my children who are behaving perfectly, to cuddle up with me and we can stay in bed and watch a movie! They will just cuddle up nicely and be still! They won’t yell and scream at each other and I won’t have to raise my voice to them either. They will offer to help with the dishes and when I say no to something crazy that they want to do, they will not treat me like I am the wicked witch and they will say “ok mom, I understand”. They will not tattle on each other or barge into my bedroom while I am getting dressed. They wont wait until I am on the toilet or in the shower to ask me something. Oh, that would be a wonderful day!

Sure, I can post all the photos in the world of my kids smiling and being joyous and loving, but just know….evil lurks beyond those eyes! Ha ha ha ha!!! I wonder if my mother felt this way about me? As far as I can recall, I was a perfectly behaved child, a model of a daughter that all other mothers had wished their children acted like! Ha….not likely, but that’s what I will tell my kids! And in actuality, my mother tramps on my perfect memories and rolls her eyes and lets my husband and kids know just exactly how every went down when I was a kid!

You know, I never think that I “deserve” things, but today I do.

I DESERVE rest, relaxation and sleep…..lots and lots of sleep!

And maybe a big glass of wine!!!wineyes

I just want to say…..What the Hell?????

 

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!

What Now?

6 Jun

fed upIt’s been a rough go lately. I mean, real rough.

I was going to therapy, and apparently I have more issues than just the sexual assault that has had a big effect on me and has made a giant mark on the anxiety issue that I have. Anxiety and depression is an evil that has been spread throughout my family tree, and I do not want it to go any further. Good luck huh?

Well, I have been on some anti-depressants for a while now and they were working for a while. The doc had to increase my dose and then I started feeling the old feelings again. Then, I developed a rash that has invaded my legs and arms. Not only did the medication make me gain weight which I can’t seem to shake, it has made me even more depressed with the rash and weight issue. meds

So, where do I go from here? 20-30 pounds heavier, agitated, rashy, hot and uncomfortable….. what else? Apparently alcohol therapy hasn’t been working either! Ha Ha!!!

So, I went to the doctor, who….really, could care less! I have a rash, he asks if I have fleas and scabies! Really? I look those up….the rash looks nothing like scabies and I know its not fleas. He wants to send me to a dermatologist, which he says, will take me anywhere from one and half to two years to get into….yeah….thanks. So, I ask him if there is some sort of cream I can get to clear it up….cream? you want the cream? Okay! He says and writes me a prescription. Seriously????? What the @#% is that? Am I just a cheque for him? He asks no questions and acts so non chalant about it all, I want to scream.

So, now, through encouragement of my very close friend and ally in anxiety; Nicole, I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. Enough of this bullshit. I really need to talk to someone who knows the mental health field and can discern what is wrong and properly diagnose me. No more guessing.

I am a little relieved to have that coming, to know I will be able to talk to someone, and get proper medication for me, and not have allergic reactions.I still have to deal with this very annoying day to day stuff.

I look at pictures of my children that are sitting on my desk and I think that they deserve perfect
so much better. I feel bad that I have to go through this with them here to witness. I wonder what kind of effect it will have on them in the future. Are they going to be more understanding? Are they going to develop the same thing? Can I prevent it?

I love them, I tell them everyday. I hug them and play with them and laugh with them, I am doing the best job that I can, but I still feel like they deserve better. Maybe that is just being a mother. It is very hard to distinguish a normal feeling to a paranoid and anxious feeling when you have GAD. Not until you talk to others, can you really desipher whether you are having a “normal” reaction or not.

I might just have to wean myself off of these drugs and wait until I see the psychiatrist to get new medications. Until then, I will be back where I started. I don’t know if that will help, but anything is better than the way I feel now. It’s like the meds have only created weight gain and rashes and the good normal feeling that I once had when I first started taking them is gone.

What to do? What Next? now what

The Goofy Effect

13 Apr

I know it has been a while since you read about the lighter side of things in my life, and I think it’s about time, since I am starting the healing process. I like to be truthful to my kids to the point that they will understand certain things,  but I don’t tell them too much that will upset them or make them a paranoid adult. I am trying to raise understanding, compassionate, responsible, funny, smart and thoughtful adults. To do that, I don’t think that they should be left in the dark. Kids want to know. As a mother, I can let my kids know and I know how much is too much.

With that being said, I know my kids are super loving and compassionate. They need a little work sometimes on the responsible and thoughtful side of things, but they are still so young….there is time to work on that! I tell my kids probably about 5 or 6 times a day that I love them. They gets tons of hugs and kisses everyday and I let them know just how much I love the fact that they are my children. I tell them that they are so cute that I can’t stand it…. they say that they know! How do you know? I ask. Because you say it aaaaalllllll the time! Is the response I get! Ha Ha! Okay, I get it. I will pull it back a little for a little while. There is no way I can stop that though! Ha Ha!

I have never had any siblings, so it is pretty overwhelming for me to hear these two little guys have a love/hate relationship with each other on a daily basis! I don’t think that I have ever been around that so much in my life! Even when I was a kid, I had friends that had older siblings and I didn’t really get exposed to the hair pulling fights. I am in shock everyday! I want to pull my own hair out when they are constantly yelling at each other and then one boy makes the other one cry and then the one crying want retaliation and starts yelling and screaming at the other one and then there is door slamming and usually some tattling. The tattling got so bad that I just told them that I didn’t want to hear it and to deal with it on their own, upstairs, of course. I have no idea what to do most times! And, as long  as there is no real damage done, I am thinking that this might be normal!

It’s not like this everyday though. They are the best of friends and they love each other more than I could even imagine. It makes me long for that, that complete closeness with a sibling. The mutual understanding and love, being raised with the same parents in the same house and having the same familial dynamics (if that is a thing!).  Half the time, with my kids, I have no  idea what the heck they are saying! It’s like they have their own language! I love when they are getting along and laughing with each other. They do get pretty loud when they are having fun too! But this loudness I can handle. I never knew that a house could get so loud. I think about the people walking past our house and wonder what they are thinking about the thunderous sounds coming from inside! ha ha!

It’s funny, when we have children, we always compare them to ourselves, no matter who you are, you know that you can look at your child and think he/she looks like so and so, or they act like their father/mother, etc. I do it all the time. I wonder if kids ever  get sick of hearing these things or if it makes them feel good? In any case, I know that my kids have their own sense of humour! They find the oddest things funny. And they are odd! Watching them become more adult like and more human (for lack of a better word) is completely mind blowing. My oldest son cracks jokes like an adult. And he is really really funny! The faces he makes can have my husband laughing so hard that he has tears in his eyes! Morley is a performer for us! He does these crazy dances and sings and sometimes I shake my head and wonder where he is from! Did I ever act super weird like this? Im supposing that I did….but I don’t really remember it.

My youngest son Adam has more of a dry humour and has his comedic timing down to a science! He doesn’t even know how funny he is until Gord and I can’t contain our laughter! Dry humour, and random, he is very random. Like wanting to paint the house purple and wanting to eat a train!?

These little guys are full of energy and humour! There is never a dull moment in our house, or a quiet one for that matter…..unless they are asleep! But, my kids help me stay sane. They give me the love that I need so much, the hugs, kisses. Their neverending need to be around me. They actually like me! I like me when I am around them, most of the time. You know, those times that make you think you are going to pull your hair out because they won’t listen or talk back, or some sort of misbehaviour! I love being a mom. And I think they love being my kids! My family is very close, we are almost always together, even in the same room. They follow me around the house like puppies!

I am so grateful for them, they are goofy and wacky and loving and beautiful!