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Not Another Post!

15 Mar

It is true, I post alot and I post things that I think in everyday life. I share my innermost thoughts and share some very sensitive things that not everyone wants to read. I know how some of the things that I say must feel to others, some roll their eyes and think that I am sharing way too much and care not to read about my life, while others (I have heard) think that it is inspiring and brave to share my story.

Now, Anxiety plays a roll in my life DAILY, while depression comes along every once in a while. But the true fact of the matter is that I cannot get out of my own head. Every day I refer to my abuse as a child, every day I wonder who I would have been without it happening to me. Every day I worry about the same thing happening to my children, which causes panic in me. I worry the most about this. I have little “worst case scenarios” that play in my head every time they go play outside. I think of someone preying on them, taking them and abusing them and worse. I shudder every time and it takes everything that I have in my to not call them back inside where I have constant control of the environment.

Today while I was preparing supper, I was thinking of how they will turn out when they are grown, how they will look, what kind of men they will be when they are older. I daydream things like that while I am alone. I predict what they will look like and what career they will strive for. Then, Mr. Anxiety shows up and I start wondering how I am going to cope letting them go….letting them move out of the house and be their own people. Having their own homes and going off to university, and their safety. This is what I worry about the most. Who is going to be there to keep them safe? Car accidents, freak things happen, and even murders. What the hell would I do then? I don’t know if I could bear it. I know, it turns selfish, it sounds selfish as I read what I write, but  I cannot help it…..this is the monster called Anxiety. This is catastrophic thoughts. This is a disorder. I cannot switch it off.

I am trying. I am really trying. I meditate and I am looking in to learning Reiki. I want to become a Reiki master. It would fit well with my husbands Holistic Nutrition and I dream that we can have our own little slice of “heaven” and do things the Holistic way and be able to sustain our finances while doing it. Ah, to dream!

But,I do think it’s  getting better, I seem to have  more of a grip on reality, which is what it feels like I have a lack of when having an anxiety attack.

Yes, it is yet again, another post about anxiety, about my struggle…..but it is real. It never leaves me.

I was trying to explain to my husband how it feels every day to be in my head. What I think of and how I cope. I told him this ” the first blowjob I ever gave was when I was 3 years old”. That is a hard pill to swallow. That makes you imagine it, to see it and fills you with so many emotions. Yes, it is true. I remember what it looked like and I remember how I felt and the hesitation and ultimately the trust that I put into that one person who I was raised like a sister to. It fills me with all sorts of emotions, and to let someone know how it feels is impossible unless they have been through it, but this is the only way that I could  verbalize the actual brutality of what was done to me. Plus, I think that it is a way to start getting prepared to tell my story to someone else who could really help me. Yes, Mark made me do  all sorts of things and he touched me where he shouldn’t have. The one good thing that I can say is that he did not mess with my virginity. He abused me from the time I was 2 or 3 until I was 5, and then again when I was 10. Only to have my first real sexual experience end up in rape, that was another story with another abuser.

Yes, anxiety is in my life forever. Yes, I will talk about it again. No, I will not shut up. It is real. Yes, it is REAL. I am jumpy, I scare easily and I feel like I am always scared. I try everyday to be better. I suffer everyday. I see the depths of my own hell as no one else can see.

I have taken you on a little voyage of my reality. The glasses are far from rose coloured. I feel better when I know I am just listened to. I feel justified in my fears and weirdness and quirks when people know my story. They see the “why”, not just me as I am now, as the result of the past, the pain. It’s a hard story to tell, but I know it must be hard to read as well. People are either disgusted and don’t want to read it, or are sympathetic and want to know my story or they are disaster whores, the ones who love to see the gore, who dive right into other people’s pain to feel better about their life.

I am okay with it all. As they say, everyone has a story, this is yet another post about it, but it is my Story. My Life as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wake Up!

12 Jan
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Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!

Going Down the Only Road I’ve Ever Known

4 Oct

Yes, Yes….I am getting better. I feel better, I am better. The only thing that resides is the dizziness. The constant head-swim. Ugh.

So, I wanted to do something productive today, besides baking for the shop and doing the regular stuff that has to be done. Something for me!

I decide I want to try to start writing a fictional novel. First I have to plan out characters and decide on a plot. So, I start drafting the main character, who I loosely base on me because in order to be a success, you write about what you know. And I know me! Ha ha! So, yes, I plan on making the main character like me, but not. To make her more of what I would have like to have been and give her ideas and characteristics that I would have liked at one point or so in my life. Does that make sense?

So, I am creating a character, then I start thinking about a plot. This part is the part that has me questioning myself and realizing that I really need more therapy and that I still have anxiety when it comes to personal things. I start thinking about making the plot about a mother with mental issues and trying to raise a child and hoping that he wont have the same affliction as she. Now, this is too close to home. I know. I know. I am not even writing a story yet, this is just the brainstorming part! I haven’t committed to anything and even if I did, I could change it! I write my own story, as it were!

My mind is now racing and feeling guilt. I feel guilty for being who I am, warts and all, in front of my children.What will this do to them in their future? Will they be compassionate, or develop real mental issues of their own? My mom hid her issues from me as best as she could and I was oblivious for the most part. I hadn’t a clue. Well….my kids know. I made sure that they knew I was anxious and it is real and I was taking medication for it.

See…this is what this shit does to a person! I honestly feel better, but maybe right now I am a little too “open” to be trying to write my first piece of fiction. I should just stay with writing my own life story and keep to that for now. That, I know what has happened and I can write about it without worrying about whether this means I am a good mother or not. I don’t question the me right now, I reflect on the me back then. I can mourn for her and feel the things that she hadn’t told anyone.

This is what I will do! Fiction can wait!

I don’t want to risk a total breakdown because I want to write  a story!

I feel much better now, having decided that! The weight and worry has been lifted for now. Until I am in bed at night wondering if I could have been a better mother that day. If I could have resolved the issues they had a little better. I feel the guilt for raising my voice at them and have to stop myself from waking them up just to get a hug and make sure they still love me! ha ha! Ugh! Being a parent is tough work, it does make it tougher though, when you think that every day, everything you say and do will effect the way they will grow up, thinking, I could just ruin this little person.

Wow….. Time to stop thinking and go back to baking. I think I owe myself a guiltless and peaceful walk in the park today. My brain is going to shut off for a while now!

 

Raw, and up to Here!

30 Sep

So, being off the drugs has been a blessing for me. Even though I have been feeling likeimg_8594 crap physically. It makes up for it with the clearness of everything! I went to lunch with my hubby the other day and I felt the sun on my shoulders and the breeze in my hair. I actually FELT it! I felt like just looking around at things and appreciating them for what they are. My emotions are back, maybe a little raw right now….but they have made their appearance.

lunatic-memeBut, really…..what is up now…….is my kids. Holy Hell in the morning! They are little hellions! I really think that they think their purpose in life is to make me frustrated and angry as many times as possible in one day! Wow! I love them to bits, they are my precious bundles of joy and I am blessed to be their mother….but really. Do you know how testing and hard it is to try and create decent adults? Wow!!!

I feel like I am chasing my own tail half the time and they are egging me on to do it! Seriously! I am glad my oldest is sympathetic and wants to help people, I have drilled that into my kids from the get go, and they see me doing all sorts of things for people. But, when he thinks that everything is unfair and nobody cares and his world is falling apart because his brother broke his thing he made out of Lego……ugh.

And when my youngest screams so terribly that it could break glass, because he has to clean up after himself and make his bed….well let me tell you…..just telling you this makes me tired. I would really, really like to find a way to motivate this one into doing what he is supposed to.

The lies, the….he said, he did, stop, no you stop, no fair, I can’t, I don’t want to!!!! Ahhhhh!!! Makes me want to pull my hair out!

Then, the whole “my parents are my slaves” thing! Mom I want this, Dad I want that. You know what? You are 7 and 9, if you want the ketchup…..get it! If you want a drink of water…..go get it! I have never ever treated my kids like they were fed with a silver spoon and I am not about to start now. Where does this entitlement come from? What did I do wrong?

I am an only child and I have no idea! I didn’t know about all the tattling and fighting and back talk and disrespect! I feel like I need a coach just to parent! I am constantly asking myself whether this is normal or not, especially when they bicker and fight and cry with each other ALL……DAY…….LONG!!

fighting-cherubs-1They used to get along just peachy! The oldest one looking out for the youngest, and the youngest being happy just to be near his older brother. What has happened? I do see some rare moments when they are civil to each other and there is no “hair pulling” or tattling happening, but it is just that…..rare. I know they love each other. I know it….I see it all the time, but I also think that they want to kill each other at the same time.

With what I have been going through lately with my withdrawls and feeling like a giant bag of over tired shit, I feel like I want to hibernate! I want to sleep for two days and when I wake up nice and refreshed I want my children who are behaving perfectly, to cuddle up with me and we can stay in bed and watch a movie! They will just cuddle up nicely and be still! They won’t yell and scream at each other and I won’t have to raise my voice to them either. They will offer to help with the dishes and when I say no to something crazy that they want to do, they will not treat me like I am the wicked witch and they will say “ok mom, I understand”. They will not tattle on each other or barge into my bedroom while I am getting dressed. They wont wait until I am on the toilet or in the shower to ask me something. Oh, that would be a wonderful day!

Sure, I can post all the photos in the world of my kids smiling and being joyous and loving, but just know….evil lurks beyond those eyes! Ha ha ha ha!!! I wonder if my mother felt this way about me? As far as I can recall, I was a perfectly behaved child, a model of a daughter that all other mothers had wished their children acted like! Ha….not likely, but that’s what I will tell my kids! And in actuality, my mother tramps on my perfect memories and rolls her eyes and lets my husband and kids know just exactly how every went down when I was a kid!

You know, I never think that I “deserve” things, but today I do.

I DESERVE rest, relaxation and sleep…..lots and lots of sleep!

And maybe a big glass of wine!!!wineyes

I just want to say…..What the Hell?????

 

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!

What Now?

6 Jun

fed upIt’s been a rough go lately. I mean, real rough.

I was going to therapy, and apparently I have more issues than just the sexual assault that has had a big effect on me and has made a giant mark on the anxiety issue that I have. Anxiety and depression is an evil that has been spread throughout my family tree, and I do not want it to go any further. Good luck huh?

Well, I have been on some anti-depressants for a while now and they were working for a while. The doc had to increase my dose and then I started feeling the old feelings again. Then, I developed a rash that has invaded my legs and arms. Not only did the medication make me gain weight which I can’t seem to shake, it has made me even more depressed with the rash and weight issue. meds

So, where do I go from here? 20-30 pounds heavier, agitated, rashy, hot and uncomfortable….. what else? Apparently alcohol therapy hasn’t been working either! Ha Ha!!!

So, I went to the doctor, who….really, could care less! I have a rash, he asks if I have fleas and scabies! Really? I look those up….the rash looks nothing like scabies and I know its not fleas. He wants to send me to a dermatologist, which he says, will take me anywhere from one and half to two years to get into….yeah….thanks. So, I ask him if there is some sort of cream I can get to clear it up….cream? you want the cream? Okay! He says and writes me a prescription. Seriously????? What the @#% is that? Am I just a cheque for him? He asks no questions and acts so non chalant about it all, I want to scream.

So, now, through encouragement of my very close friend and ally in anxiety; Nicole, I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. Enough of this bullshit. I really need to talk to someone who knows the mental health field and can discern what is wrong and properly diagnose me. No more guessing.

I am a little relieved to have that coming, to know I will be able to talk to someone, and get proper medication for me, and not have allergic reactions.I still have to deal with this very annoying day to day stuff.

I look at pictures of my children that are sitting on my desk and I think that they deserve perfect
so much better. I feel bad that I have to go through this with them here to witness. I wonder what kind of effect it will have on them in the future. Are they going to be more understanding? Are they going to develop the same thing? Can I prevent it?

I love them, I tell them everyday. I hug them and play with them and laugh with them, I am doing the best job that I can, but I still feel like they deserve better. Maybe that is just being a mother. It is very hard to distinguish a normal feeling to a paranoid and anxious feeling when you have GAD. Not until you talk to others, can you really desipher whether you are having a “normal” reaction or not.

I might just have to wean myself off of these drugs and wait until I see the psychiatrist to get new medications. Until then, I will be back where I started. I don’t know if that will help, but anything is better than the way I feel now. It’s like the meds have only created weight gain and rashes and the good normal feeling that I once had when I first started taking them is gone.

What to do? What Next? now what

The Goofy Effect

13 Apr

I know it has been a while since you read about the lighter side of things in my life, and I think it’s about time, since I am starting the healing process. I like to be truthful to my kids to the point that they will understand certain things,  but I don’t tell them too much that will upset them or make them a paranoid adult. I am trying to raise understanding, compassionate, responsible, funny, smart and thoughtful adults. To do that, I don’t think that they should be left in the dark. Kids want to know. As a mother, I can let my kids know and I know how much is too much.

With that being said, I know my kids are super loving and compassionate. They need a little work sometimes on the responsible and thoughtful side of things, but they are still so young….there is time to work on that! I tell my kids probably about 5 or 6 times a day that I love them. They gets tons of hugs and kisses everyday and I let them know just how much I love the fact that they are my children. I tell them that they are so cute that I can’t stand it…. they say that they know! How do you know? I ask. Because you say it aaaaalllllll the time! Is the response I get! Ha Ha! Okay, I get it. I will pull it back a little for a little while. There is no way I can stop that though! Ha Ha!

I have never had any siblings, so it is pretty overwhelming for me to hear these two little guys have a love/hate relationship with each other on a daily basis! I don’t think that I have ever been around that so much in my life! Even when I was a kid, I had friends that had older siblings and I didn’t really get exposed to the hair pulling fights. I am in shock everyday! I want to pull my own hair out when they are constantly yelling at each other and then one boy makes the other one cry and then the one crying want retaliation and starts yelling and screaming at the other one and then there is door slamming and usually some tattling. The tattling got so bad that I just told them that I didn’t want to hear it and to deal with it on their own, upstairs, of course. I have no idea what to do most times! And, as long  as there is no real damage done, I am thinking that this might be normal!

It’s not like this everyday though. They are the best of friends and they love each other more than I could even imagine. It makes me long for that, that complete closeness with a sibling. The mutual understanding and love, being raised with the same parents in the same house and having the same familial dynamics (if that is a thing!).  Half the time, with my kids, I have no  idea what the heck they are saying! It’s like they have their own language! I love when they are getting along and laughing with each other. They do get pretty loud when they are having fun too! But this loudness I can handle. I never knew that a house could get so loud. I think about the people walking past our house and wonder what they are thinking about the thunderous sounds coming from inside! ha ha!

It’s funny, when we have children, we always compare them to ourselves, no matter who you are, you know that you can look at your child and think he/she looks like so and so, or they act like their father/mother, etc. I do it all the time. I wonder if kids ever  get sick of hearing these things or if it makes them feel good? In any case, I know that my kids have their own sense of humour! They find the oddest things funny. And they are odd! Watching them become more adult like and more human (for lack of a better word) is completely mind blowing. My oldest son cracks jokes like an adult. And he is really really funny! The faces he makes can have my husband laughing so hard that he has tears in his eyes! Morley is a performer for us! He does these crazy dances and sings and sometimes I shake my head and wonder where he is from! Did I ever act super weird like this? Im supposing that I did….but I don’t really remember it.

My youngest son Adam has more of a dry humour and has his comedic timing down to a science! He doesn’t even know how funny he is until Gord and I can’t contain our laughter! Dry humour, and random, he is very random. Like wanting to paint the house purple and wanting to eat a train!?

These little guys are full of energy and humour! There is never a dull moment in our house, or a quiet one for that matter…..unless they are asleep! But, my kids help me stay sane. They give me the love that I need so much, the hugs, kisses. Their neverending need to be around me. They actually like me! I like me when I am around them, most of the time. You know, those times that make you think you are going to pull your hair out because they won’t listen or talk back, or some sort of misbehaviour! I love being a mom. And I think they love being my kids! My family is very close, we are almost always together, even in the same room. They follow me around the house like puppies!

I am so grateful for them, they are goofy and wacky and loving and beautiful!