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The Road Travelled

19 Oct

I have been in a plateau lately with weight loss and I am needing to find a new routine for the colder weather. I have started yoga, as you know and I love it…..but my body needs something more than that. Bike rides to work once or twice a week and an everyday walk to pick up the kids at school.  I am needing more and with the weather change, it’s a little more difficult to get out of the comfy clothes and from under the cozy blanket to get my ass up and move! This is the time to motivate myself. This is the time to not get complacent and “decide” it’s okay to take a break….nooooo….Hell No. I didn’t come this far to just sit on my ass now. This is a daily thing. This self talk. I have created a new person from the inside out…Wait….I have found my true self and she is not someone who just sits on the sidelines and watches….she is in it!

So, in another way to motivate myself, I have decided to share my weight loss journey with you, not just with words,  but with pictures. It makes it more real when the photos are not just for me. This is a difficult thing to do, I know judgements happen when pictures come out, but it’s not really going to change my goal and my self love because someone judges me harshly. It would have crushed me a year ago, but now, I am real, alive and full of joy and love. Enjoy! The first picture is of me after I had lost 28 pounds. This was the first picture that was taken. The pictures will go in order from here.20170423_08501120170507_08461220170518_07071520170625_21033120170827_13064320171015_080753This last picture was taken maybe 3 days ago.

It has been a journey but it is not over yet. I have another 70 ish pounds to go. I started at 297 pounds in April and I hope to get to 150 pounds. I am not giving myself a time limit. I want to do this in a moderate and thoughtful healthy way. I am not in a race, I am looking for health, fitness and longevity.

I have started some courses now through the library and over the next year I will continue to do so. I am prepping myself for college and looking forward to another “chapter” or stepping stones to self realization, betterment and an overall benefit to myself and my family! There is no destination, my journey is my destination daily. My truth is right here, right now.

Everyone is someone great, even if they don’t know it! Finding your greatness is so amazing! I encourage everyone to do it!

Thanks for reading! Love you all❤

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re:Birth

23 Sep

I have been absent in my sharing with you. I have been present in my life day by day.  The broken woman who has shared her tortured soul with you is no longer here. Who stands in her place is the same woman, but she has an enlightened soul with pure light radiating around and within her.

I, Amanda (Amy) J. Bourgon, have been reBorn.

As you may already know, I was in a deep deep depression, anxiety was crushing me and my head was clouded with memories of the past and the pain I had felt. I was gaining more and more weight as time went by. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be happy and I was quick to blame those who did me wrong for my situation I was in at the time. I got to a whopping 296.5 pounds. I am 5’7″ tall. My 3X sized clothing was feeling tight and when I  had a difficult reaching around myself to do anything, I knew it was time to change. I knew that the way I was going about things was not helping at all. I didn’t really know what to do or where to turn.

I started my therapy back up at the Sexual Assault Survivors Centre. I was retelling my story and getting it off my chest to someone who would have a conversation with me and I was getting that instant feedback I was looking for. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. It was helping, but I needed something more. I needed a whole new outlook…….well……ask and thou shall receive.

I started reading a book. One sentence kind of slapped me in the face to spin me right where I stood. After the dizzying blow, I looked around and nothing was the same. I chose to open up and see through some new eyes, to think with new thoughts and act with new purpose. Things come when we are ready.

At first everything I was reading and thinking about and listening to was so foreign, yet so simple, I was shocked every day at what I was soaking in. I still have monumental moments like this, it is just easier to adjust now that I have seen “the light” so to speak. Everyone’s journey is different and not everyone will find their way the same way I did, so I don’t really want to push on to you what specifically worked for me. I just want to let you know that it can be done, and my experience may be here to inspire you or for you to know that it is possible.

So, with reading a chapter of a book, my life had now changed. I dove into other books like that one, soaking it in, finding new ideas and thoughts that are so simple they make so much sense, it is often over looked or people don’t believe it.  I believe. I am proof. I am still learning.

Right now, what I truly know and believe is that we are the earth. We need to be grounded and to remember that we are all made of the same things. We are all atoms and cells, everything in the world is made of the most basic elements. I know that nothing or nobody is better than anything or anyone else. I am no better than the ladybug eating the leaf, the wolf stalking prey, the man who has broken the law. We all have purpose, we are all energy and all of our energies are different. I choose to try hard to have and give out good energy. I choose to smile at everyone, I choose to stop my mind from judging others and just accept them for who they are. There is a very popular saying out there right now that says “everyone has a story”. It is true. Everyone does have a story, those stories are none of my business and it is not my business to judge others. I have to spend my energies on good purposes and to control my own thoughts, and guide my children likewise. The energy that I put out, I get back, and I don’t know about you, but I want good to come back to me and by judging others and thinking bad thoughts is not going to get me that.

The hardest thing I have had to do since my “vision clearing” is to control my thoughts. It might seem like it is an easy thing to do, but it takes time and practise and discipline. Everytime you think something negative, stop it. Try to look at it in a different way. Turn “disasters” into a lesson. Turn blaming someone else for how you feel off. Our perception of the world is the one thing that takes a “bad day” and turns them into glorious days. We can control this. We control our own universe as we know it. When I found this out, I decided that I would no longer have bad days. I would turn my life around because it was all in my hands in the first place! I had this power all along!

Done are the days when I put myself down. Gone are the days when I “let” someone make me upset. I am trying to discipline myself to remembering 100% of the time that I make my own reality. So, I am worth being happy. I am creating and accepting my own happiness. I  forgave everyone. I didn’t really have to though, because it was not for me to forgive. I accepted the individuals who inflicted pain, I accepted who they are and I stopped the judgement that I had laid upon them in the first place. Their actions never represented them as people, or ever will. We are not our actions. Forgiveness was not necessary, acceptance was, and to tell you the honest truth…..it was easy. I was done with living in the past and hanging on to bad feelings that weren’t my feelings in the first place. Those feelings were coming from the person who I no longer was. I wake up everyday as a new person. I can’t go back, I don’t worry about what has happened before today. Why? I can’t change it, and everyday I am different and I have grown since yesterday. With that in mind, I don’t really worry about the future anymore either. It is not today. I know that what I do today is what matters. What I say and think and do today is what matters. Living for today is the only way I found my true happiness.

I am not my home, my car, my clothes, my body even. I am pure energy. I am the light that I radiate. I am the goodness that embodies me. I am life, I am earth, I am you. I am the feeling of peace, calm, happiness, joy.

Even though I am not any of the things you can say are superficial, I decide that with such a pureness of being, I need to treat my physical body with respect. The physical body is a very intricate machine. It is full of electricity and chain reactions and cells and things that are super complex. Our bodies are the most amazing super computers that we will ever own and be allowed to function. Most of us do not know how to use it. I am trying to learn. In order to be “enlightened”, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It is holding and housing my other “body” my energy body. To be healthy is not just being fit and eating healthy, it is thinking healthy and your brain thinking the right thoughts and taking time to rest and clear thoughts as well.

I know, this is a 100% spin from where I used to be. I am more spiritual, which should not be confused with religious. I am not religious. I accept everyone as they are, I am guiding myself to no longer see race, age, sex, religion…..etc….it goes on and on. Everyone is me and I am everyone.

I may sound a little kooky to some…..but that dosen’t bother me.

I feel new feelings, I see through new eyes. I am at peace. I accept the love I recieve and I believe it when someone says nice things to me. I let others know my joy, but I don’t really need to….they see it in my face, they may also see my aura, which, I have been told is overwhelmingly light and has brought someone I know to tears of joy and overwhelmed her. Some people who have known me for years and years do not recognize me. My face is the same. My demeanor, my body, my thoughts and my energy is completely different.

You can do this to0, if you are depressed and/or anxious and overweight or just grumpy! Change can happen. You have to decide.

You control your life.

So far, I have lost 70.5 pounds, I have gained about 7 new friends (true friends), and good things are coming back to me. I am cashing in on all of the good energy which has made a full circle! What we put out, we get back! I am healthier, happier, I have better relationships, my kids are happier and healthier, my marriage is fantastic(it has never been otherwise), and I believe that I can DO…..fill in the blank. Anything.

Today is a wonderful day. From now on, everyday is a fantastic day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Physical Manifestation

21 Mar

As you know and keep on being reminded….I’m crazier than a mad hatter! My anxiety pretty much rules my everyday life and I try to battle with it and accept it and deal with it accordingly as I see fit. I try all sorts of different things to deal with it and make every day living easier to bear. Today, I cannot deal. Today, I am not coping and the anxiety is making itself known in more of a physical way.

I woke up feeling that something was not right, that I did something wrong or that something was wrong in general, and when things don’t feel right I automatically believe that I am in the wrong. I am to blame for all the wrong things that happen to anyone I am associated with. This is only one of the battles, but today it was a war.

I have been at war with myself all day long. Having an internal conversation with myself about what I have done wrong and how I can fix it and if anyone is mad at me for anything and how I can fix that, and why they are mad. I have a hard time being misunderstood and just “dealing” with it when someone does not want to open themselves to a heart to heart conversation with me about something when I feel the need to do it. I agonize and torture myself if someone will not see the other side of a situation. I find it hard to accept an injustice. I am giving myself an attack just thinking about it. My mind is racing. I feel hot in the face and then comes the stomach ache. I feel nauseus, I want to throw up. I want to bury my head as far down as I can. I want a hug, I need to cry. You know, having to cope with all of these feelings is very hard and I just can’t do it somedays. Most of the time I want a person around me, or to talk just to be listened to, but today…… I need to feel the pain alone. I know I am writing this so all can read, and that is fine, you are not in my house, you are not begging me to pay attention to you and to ask me that ever pressing question of where a certain container or dish goes. The every day things aren’t working for me today. I try to get myself out of my own head and switch things up a little bit. I went for a walk with my family, I went for a coffee, went to see my sister in law and drove through the park…..to no avail. I started feeling worse. Oh, how I want to vomit.

There is a sick feeling, have you ever said something or done something pretty nasty or terrible that you immediately regretted and felt terrible for? That feeling, that gut wrenching, I am a bad person feeling is the feeling that follows me everywhere.

I want to leave this brain sometimes and step into a new one. Go inside a brain that has no whiplash reaction to something that isn’t even there. The residue of past abuse. I want all of that scraped clean. Like if I could physically go in there and take a magic eraser to all the worst things that were done to me, I might be okay. I might be able to face everyday life without the haunting feeling of something being wrong looming over me. Like a giant black cloud that follows me. It hangs out inside my head and when days are really bad, it comes out and hangs out above me all day, just threatening the storm, just waiting for me to break so it can become a full blown tornado that can sweep me away into the black abyss.

This day is bad. I have done alot of things today to keep my mind busy and off of what I feel, off of the not so real, and it hasn’t had any effect. I am still a pile of poo. I want to cry until I don’t feel sick anymore. I want to be numbed. I feel the need for medication to put me to sleep so I don’t have to be in this day anymore.

It’s very vague as to why I feel this way, and I really couldn’t tell you, I just do.

When this feeling hits, it attacks me every way it possibly can. It takes on the physical manifestation like the sick feeling and the headaches and  the blushing, the heat flashes…..it also fucks with my head….which is the source of the problem, and then I notice that I have the shakes and I can’t concentrate very well. I am amazed that I can write this much. I can hear my husband doing the dishes and my youngest son reading him a story, the dogs nails clicking on the floor and cars driving by. This is all distracting. These noises make it hard for me to concentrate on anything and I can’t wait to have a shower and go to bed. I know I can’t. I cannot go to bed before my children. I need to stay up and pretend to be more normal than I am. I tell them of my anxiety….but they do not know the depth it has travelled into my everything, nor will I let them know. They are too young for that. My oldest would worry more than he does now.

There is alot to worry about, things like money…..ugh…..money money money…..debt debt debt. Wow….that has overtaken anything good and pure in my life! I don’t know how anyone does it! The hydro bill has me in such a tizzy that I feel like every day is the day we will come home to no lights. We don’t owe them $700 or anything, but it’s bad enough. Makes me feel so irresponsible, like I am not grown up enough to even have children. Like they are smarter than I will ever be!

But, I am getting away from the point.

And, what is my point? My anxiety is making me sick. They say stress is the main cause of so many ailments…. ugh….I cringe to think of everything that might be or could be wrong with me that I have caused myself just because I worry and stress so much. Let’s not go down that road today…there is enough that is wrong right now….or not wrong….I don’t quite know. Coming? Going? No clue!

I just know I am not right today. Today has been a terrible day. Today has to be over soon. Tomorrow is another day….hopefully not like this one at all.

I try to think of affirmations, but when you are so far down the hole, it’s hard to see the daylight. The dark is all I can see….the uncomfortable dampness is all I feel, along with the ever pressing feeling on my guts. You get so used to being in the dark hole, the light can sometimes be scary. There are people out there.

I hope tomorrow is brighter. I hope I can be stronger.

I need to cry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

Wake Up!

12 Jan
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Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.