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Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Gone but not forgotten

18 Oct

I recently stopped taking my  anti depressants. I feel great. I have lots of energy and I get up bright and early to exercise! Tomorrow marks the first two weeks since I have started. I can see a small difference already in my body. My head is also clearer and more happy. I have more goals and different goals than I had ever had. I want to hike. I love hiking!hiking I want to hike the Bruce Trail eventually. I want to run in a marathon. I want to join a baseball team. I just guess I want to do everything that I have never done or never wanted to do before. And just so you know, I am in this for the long haul. I am into being dedicated to my health and physical fitness for life. Yes, I want to be a lifer!

As far as the depression is concerned, it is gone…..but the anxiety lingers. I felt it for the first time again while we were away at the cottage. My husband took the boys into town, about 20 minutes away, and I started to worry. Like, if they got into an accident, there would be nobody to call. I have all of the health information for the boys, they have no phone with them, if someone finds them hurt, how will anyone know that I am at the cottage waiting for them to get back? These, are very anxious thoughts. I recognized it for what it was immediately and started breathing, I took a walk and by the time I was at the end of the driveway, I could see them coming down the road! I knew I was worrying without reason, and this time, I caught it! That nasty anxiety, always wants to rear its ugly head and make sure I haven’t forgotten it!

So nowsad I have come to terms on accepting what has been done to me in the past, and trying to learn and grow from my pain. I feel different, I feel stronger. But, in the same breath, I am also more sensitive. There was a hullabaloo in my family just recently, and I was the one blamed for it all. I don’t have any idea why I would get the blame for others actions, but there it is. In the end, my mother gave me some sound advice to ignore them, delete them from my facebook and just consider the source. Well…I did follow that advice, but it still stings to know that some members of my family have cast me away. They no longer have any love for me and would rather talk bad about me to other family members in order to get the message across. That kind of thing, can start someone on a downward spiral. I cried, of course I cried….some very nasty things were said, only by two of my aunts. Everyone else is super cool!  And if you know me and love me, you know that I would give anyone the shirt off my back and apologize that it wasn’t enough. So, what is a girl to do, but call mom! Aren’t mothers great? They stand up with you, they dry your tears and straighten your back. My mom does anyhow. She is the best. So, since I am off the drugs and dealing with things in a different way, I also have to recognize when a feeling is happening and decide whether it is normal or not. Then, go from there. It will be a learning process….but I am dealing with it so far.

Other than that, everything is hunky dorey! Now, that I can omit the bad, I can accept the good. Surround myself with good people with good vibes. Learn to love myself.self-love This, is a feat! It is not easy to have grown up thinking I was bad, a failure and a terrible person, because why else would so many bad things happen to one person? To learn to love the person I am now, is going to take some time and some good support from good people. I no longer feel that everything bad that happens to others, I have to fix. I am letting go of hanging on in a sense! Ha Ha!! Those words worked out well! Ha Ha!

So in my journey to a better me, a healthier me, mind and body, I am learning with baby steps. I don’t think that anybody can go all in at once with this stuff! Thanks for supporting me, learning who I am and going on my journey with me! I can’t wait for results and pictures that I can show you!

First Step!

7 Oct

I have committed to a healthy lifestyle. I have committed to becoming the strongest person I have ever been in my entire life. I AM. I WILL get strong. I WILL get healthy. I WILL get fit!

I have made an assessment of myself, physical and mental. And I can tell you….they both need some work! Ha Ha! But seriously, I took pictures of myself and really looked at what I have done to myself. It was pretty damned hard to really look. Oh My! I am suffocating myself in all of this extra weight. I swear to the heavens, I am a super hot woman…. but I am hiding. I know what I have done. I know why I have done it.

To lose this weight, I must stay completely truthful to myself and in order to that, I gain strength from you. Yes, my readers. My strength is in the knowledge that I take you with me on this journey. It really empowers me and helps me so much. Thank you, all of you for supporting me all of this time so far. I am excited to take you on this new journey, which is a part of my original one….just on a different level.

I was debating on whether or not to post the pictures of me that I took that I am disgusted by. And, I know you might think that if the committment is true, then I will…..but I don’t think that I can do that. Some of you that read this are my neighbours and friends and such. I love you all….but I just can’t do that. Maybe after a bit, I will show a before and after. Also, I will not tell you my starting weight. Just know that I am somewhere between 2-300 pounds. Even that sentence was rough to say. Ugh.

For all of those people who have never sruggled with weight…. just know that the struggle is real. I just stumbled upon a show called Fit to Fat to Fit. It is pretty amazing. The trainer takes on a client for 4 months and before they start training together, the trainer gains as much weight as possible for 4 months. Then, as a team, they lose the weight together. When watching this, the trainers really have a tough time. They see the heavier side of things. They understand the struggle. That, is very empowering for a life time chubber. I know, that I need support. I need to kick my own ass, but more so, I need to change my way of thinking. I need to take on the values of the importance of keeping my body my temple. I really need to be aware of the consequences when I chose the wrong food to fuel my body.

This is so real right now.

I am scaring myself. But I am going to do this. I want to do this.

You know, I have NEVER worn a bikini. I have NEVER been comfortable in any kind of swim suit. The last time I went on a ferris wheel ride with my child, the bar to hold us in was VERY tight across me. That, felt like shit. Every time I do something or go somewhere, I assess how I can fit, where I will be able to stand or sit. I am aware of my size every single day, everywhere that I am.

Right now, I am starting to blush. I am breathing a little harder…..I am embarassed of what I have done to myself. I have swallowed all of my pain. All of the times of being molested, raped, hit and teased. I tried to eat that away. I tried to wrap myself in a blanket of fat to stay warm and cozy to be protected. All it has done, has made me almost drown.

Time to change.

I actually had my first “all in” day yesterday! I can’t tell you how much better I feel already! I took the kids for an hour long walk, I made a super healthy supper. I did a little bit of exercise. Today, I woke up feeling great! I had energy AND I felt positive and happier. Today, again, super healthy food choices, and I am full. I don’t feel hungry! I feel hunger at night when I am in bed, and I want to keep feeling that. I know my body is burning the fat if I am hungry at night….I need my body to get used to not eating late at night, to not crave bad foods. It makes me excited.

Now, for my goal. I am giving myself small goals of 10 pounds every 9-14 days. My big goal is to lose 100 pounds by my fortieth birthday. Wow, I just shared that goal! It is a huge goal, and I intend to keep it. I have not committed to anything like this with so many people in my life. I feel panic right now….but I got this. Wow. Wow Wow. Thats all I can say.

Okay…..Im gonna do this!

 

Going Down the Only Road I’ve Ever Known

4 Oct

Yes, Yes….I am getting better. I feel better, I am better. The only thing that resides is the dizziness. The constant head-swim. Ugh.

So, I wanted to do something productive today, besides baking for the shop and doing the regular stuff that has to be done. Something for me!

I decide I want to try to start writing a fictional novel. First I have to plan out characters and decide on a plot. So, I start drafting the main character, who I loosely base on me because in order to be a success, you write about what you know. And I know me! Ha ha! So, yes, I plan on making the main character like me, but not. To make her more of what I would have like to have been and give her ideas and characteristics that I would have liked at one point or so in my life. Does that make sense?

So, I am creating a character, then I start thinking about a plot. This part is the part that has me questioning myself and realizing that I really need more therapy and that I still have anxiety when it comes to personal things. I start thinking about making the plot about a mother with mental issues and trying to raise a child and hoping that he wont have the same affliction as she. Now, this is too close to home. I know. I know. I am not even writing a story yet, this is just the brainstorming part! I haven’t committed to anything and even if I did, I could change it! I write my own story, as it were!

My mind is now racing and feeling guilt. I feel guilty for being who I am, warts and all, in front of my children.What will this do to them in their future? Will they be compassionate, or develop real mental issues of their own? My mom hid her issues from me as best as she could and I was oblivious for the most part. I hadn’t a clue. Well….my kids know. I made sure that they knew I was anxious and it is real and I was taking medication for it.

See…this is what this shit does to a person! I honestly feel better, but maybe right now I am a little too “open” to be trying to write my first piece of fiction. I should just stay with writing my own life story and keep to that for now. That, I know what has happened and I can write about it without worrying about whether this means I am a good mother or not. I don’t question the me right now, I reflect on the me back then. I can mourn for her and feel the things that she hadn’t told anyone.

This is what I will do! Fiction can wait!

I don’t want to risk a total breakdown because I want to write  a story!

I feel much better now, having decided that! The weight and worry has been lifted for now. Until I am in bed at night wondering if I could have been a better mother that day. If I could have resolved the issues they had a little better. I feel the guilt for raising my voice at them and have to stop myself from waking them up just to get a hug and make sure they still love me! ha ha! Ugh! Being a parent is tough work, it does make it tougher though, when you think that every day, everything you say and do will effect the way they will grow up, thinking, I could just ruin this little person.

Wow….. Time to stop thinking and go back to baking. I think I owe myself a guiltless and peaceful walk in the park today. My brain is going to shut off for a while now!

 

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!

Full Circle

6 Jul

So, I try to slow my roll, take it easy, soak up the sun and spend time with the kids, read and just chill. It’s easier said than done, that is for sure!

If I don’t panic about home or the kids, I panic about the bakery. We have a slower week, I panic, I owe money to someone, I panic! I guess it’s in my nature to panic! Worry and panic are my life right now! And then I think, if this gets done, then I will be okay, then there is something else to worry about. It’s a never ending roll of calm and worry. And, it’s easy to look at me or talk to me and think, she doesn’t seem that bad. But you are not in my head!

The little things do work for a while. The sun really helps me, and reading books helps tremendously as well. Projects work. I have had an ongoing project this summer with my front yard. Doing some landscaping and making it look fabulous, this gives me joy and a sense of accomplishment. I also get to spend time with my family when it is being done!

happyI was thinking yesterday….surprise surprise! And, I came to the conclusion that during the summer, I don’t really want to spend time worrying and dreading the housework. The summer is meant for outdoor activities and having fun with the kids. I decided to not worry about it, except for the laundry and the dishes. So, the kids stuff is in the living room….oh well….. keep calm, it’s their house too. It is very difficult to think this way. When I was in my darkest times, I didn’t care about anything, to put it bluntly, I couldn’t give two shits about the state of my house. I was just tired and couldn’t handle anything. I put blinders on to everything that I could not handle. Now, in the more recent times, I have started coming out of the darkness little by little and in that greyish area, I have started caring more about the state of my home. I spent 5 hours cleaning my childs room, I hate to see the mess that my hubby and kids made while I was at work and didn’t clean up! I mean, come on guys! There is still bits of cereal on the table from breakfast! Clean it up!!!! This is when my depression fades and my OCD starts kicking in! And as I write this I think.. Wow…. not much of a mess am I? circle

I just thought that I sound like someone who just cannot be pleased or happy in any state of mind that I am in! That is not true. The battle is all inside my head. I am just sharing with you everything that is usually locked up inside my cranium! Fun! There I go….worrying about others more than myself again! That is something else that the depression/anxiety manual does not tell you! In my case, I worry about others more than myself and spend all of my energy making sure others are happy! I listen to the music others like before I put something on that I like. I guard what I say and who I say it in front of for fear of being misunderstood or hurting someone and vigilant about other peoples feelings. I worry about saying the wrong thing in front of others and they taking it the wrong way and being hurt. I worry even at work when I come in to bake at 5-6 am and then leave at 1pm, does my staff think that I don’t work? Do they think I am lazy?

I really have to find myself again. In the middle of all of this worry and anxiety/depression stuff…. I have forgotten who I am and what I like and my opinions that I have. I have been asking myself lately, what kind of music do I really like? You know…. I don’t know anymore. What kind of movies and shows do I like? I don’t know anymore. What do I like to do in my spare time? Worry? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have that time anymore. And if I spend it reading…..what else have I done? What else do I like to do? Wow…. it’s hard to know who I am right now. I hope it will come to me soon enough.

Damnit! Stupid brain! Freaking chemicals! UGH!!!

I am happy. I have a wonderful life with fabulous people in it. All this other crap, I need to maintain, I need to keep it  under control and manageable. I won’t let it eat me alive and hurt anyone.

Just letting you know, that it’s good to calm down and look around. I am going to try laying down outside at night and looking at the stars, I am going to try watching the wind whip  the leaves on the trees, keep slowing it down more and more. I want that joyous feeling, I want to feel that expressive joy and wonder like my kids do. I want to breathe. I need to keep telling myself that everything is okay. I have a roof, a family, friends, a business….what more do I need?

Now that my day of work has been done, what will I do with myself? Do the dishes and read a book. Maybe colour a bit and play the piano. Calm is what I need. It has to be a daily reminder to myself to breathe and be calm. It’s like a new habit that has to be formed. Like a daily affirmation! I know that sounds dorky, but it’s completely true! I am good enough, I am smart enough and God darnit, people like me! Ha Ha!

That is what I have to keep in mind. I am surrounded by people who support me, and whom I support in kind. We are all like a woven blanket, relying on the other stitch to support the next in line, and in the end, we keep someone who is cold, warm.

warI am thinking that this battle will never be won, but with constant supervision and vigilence, a war will be avoided. The tight jaw and lungs, are just the first warnings to something bigger to come. So, lots of sleep is needed and patience and time alone helps as well. Don’t be scared to open up. There are more people suffering silently with this than anyone knows! You could very well be saving someone who didn’t know they needed the help!

Enjoy the heat! Ugh!