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Physical Manifestation

21 Mar

As you know and keep on being reminded….I’m crazier than a mad hatter! My anxiety pretty much rules my everyday life and I try to battle with it and accept it and deal with it accordingly as I see fit. I try all sorts of different things to deal with it and make every day living easier to bear. Today, I cannot deal. Today, I am not coping and the anxiety is making itself known in more of a physical way.

I woke up feeling that something was not right, that I did something wrong or that something was wrong in general, and when things don’t feel right I automatically believe that I am in the wrong. I am to blame for all the wrong things that happen to anyone I am associated with. This is only one of the battles, but today it was a war.

I have been at war with myself all day long. Having an internal conversation with myself about what I have done wrong and how I can fix it and if anyone is mad at me for anything and how I can fix that, and why they are mad. I have a hard time being misunderstood and just “dealing” with it when someone does not want to open themselves to a heart to heart conversation with me about something when I feel the need to do it. I agonize and torture myself if someone will not see the other side of a situation. I find it hard to accept an injustice. I am giving myself an attack just thinking about it. My mind is racing. I feel hot in the face and then comes the stomach ache. I feel nauseus, I want to throw up. I want to bury my head as far down as I can. I want a hug, I need to cry. You know, having to cope with all of these feelings is very hard and I just can’t do it somedays. Most of the time I want a person around me, or to talk just to be listened to, but today…… I need to feel the pain alone. I know I am writing this so all can read, and that is fine, you are not in my house, you are not begging me to pay attention to you and to ask me that ever pressing question of where a certain container or dish goes. The every day things aren’t working for me today. I try to get myself out of my own head and switch things up a little bit. I went for a walk with my family, I went for a coffee, went to see my sister in law and drove through the park…..to no avail. I started feeling worse. Oh, how I want to vomit.

There is a sick feeling, have you ever said something or done something pretty nasty or terrible that you immediately regretted and felt terrible for? That feeling, that gut wrenching, I am a bad person feeling is the feeling that follows me everywhere.

I want to leave this brain sometimes and step into a new one. Go inside a brain that has no whiplash reaction to something that isn’t even there. The residue of past abuse. I want all of that scraped clean. Like if I could physically go in there and take a magic eraser to all the worst things that were done to me, I might be okay. I might be able to face everyday life without the haunting feeling of something being wrong looming over me. Like a giant black cloud that follows me. It hangs out inside my head and when days are really bad, it comes out and hangs out above me all day, just threatening the storm, just waiting for me to break so it can become a full blown tornado that can sweep me away into the black abyss.

This day is bad. I have done alot of things today to keep my mind busy and off of what I feel, off of the not so real, and it hasn’t had any effect. I am still a pile of poo. I want to cry until I don’t feel sick anymore. I want to be numbed. I feel the need for medication to put me to sleep so I don’t have to be in this day anymore.

It’s very vague as to why I feel this way, and I really couldn’t tell you, I just do.

When this feeling hits, it attacks me every way it possibly can. It takes on the physical manifestation like the sick feeling and the headaches and  the blushing, the heat flashes…..it also fucks with my head….which is the source of the problem, and then I notice that I have the shakes and I can’t concentrate very well. I am amazed that I can write this much. I can hear my husband doing the dishes and my youngest son reading him a story, the dogs nails clicking on the floor and cars driving by. This is all distracting. These noises make it hard for me to concentrate on anything and I can’t wait to have a shower and go to bed. I know I can’t. I cannot go to bed before my children. I need to stay up and pretend to be more normal than I am. I tell them of my anxiety….but they do not know the depth it has travelled into my everything, nor will I let them know. They are too young for that. My oldest would worry more than he does now.

There is alot to worry about, things like money…..ugh…..money money money…..debt debt debt. Wow….that has overtaken anything good and pure in my life! I don’t know how anyone does it! The hydro bill has me in such a tizzy that I feel like every day is the day we will come home to no lights. We don’t owe them $700 or anything, but it’s bad enough. Makes me feel so irresponsible, like I am not grown up enough to even have children. Like they are smarter than I will ever be!

But, I am getting away from the point.

And, what is my point? My anxiety is making me sick. They say stress is the main cause of so many ailments…. ugh….I cringe to think of everything that might be or could be wrong with me that I have caused myself just because I worry and stress so much. Let’s not go down that road today…there is enough that is wrong right now….or not wrong….I don’t quite know. Coming? Going? No clue!

I just know I am not right today. Today has been a terrible day. Today has to be over soon. Tomorrow is another day….hopefully not like this one at all.

I try to think of affirmations, but when you are so far down the hole, it’s hard to see the daylight. The dark is all I can see….the uncomfortable dampness is all I feel, along with the ever pressing feeling on my guts. You get so used to being in the dark hole, the light can sometimes be scary. There are people out there.

I hope tomorrow is brighter. I hope I can be stronger.

I need to cry.