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Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

The Switch

28 Feb

For my entire life I have never had a problem making friends. I am a people person and I love to laugh and have discussions and just have meaningful talks. Over the years I just kept acquiring new friends and keeping all of my old friends as well. Then, not so long ago, maybe 5 years ago….the switch flicked on in my head and in my heart.     I, like every one else in their lives, grow. I had grown more mature, I had grown in ways that made me like myself more, and some of the friends I was keeping company with less.

 

I realized that in order to keep growing and accepting things I cannot  change and to feed the hungry curious minds of my children that I would just have to let go of some people. I am not saying that they are not worthy of friendship, just that I had outgrown them. It was like I graduated from high school to university. Also, they were full of negativity and one was especially keen to put others down to raise herself up.

There have only been two long term friends who I had to cut ties with, but with the same breath, I rejuvenated a friendship that hadn’t even blossomed to its full potential. I became closer than ever with someone who I had known my entire life. Do you know what’s funny? The fact that one of the friends I outgrew, she was friends with too and we outgrew her at the same time.

This new/old friend has been quite a blessing for me! She comes to visit with her daughter (who is a flipping hoot!), and we just visit, being ourselves. I don’t have to act or be super self conscious, we let each other know when we are needing a visit with each other and that’s that! Another switch flicked on after our last visit. She did a really nice thing and bought me a gift, something that I have wanted for a very long time but would feel guilty if I bought it. I was astounded. I am usually the one who buys the gifts for others, I am usually the one who takes the time and is thoughtful….. it’s rarely done for me! Wow, I was thinking….this feels strange. I am used to my parents buying us stuff here and there, but never a friend! Not unless it’s a holiday or something! Then I thought….that is so strange that I would feel flabbergasted, I would feel so much emotion and gratitude for something that was done because she thought of me. Wow….I have been friends with people who I have called “best friends” and I don’t recall once that either/any of them have been so kind.

When I was younger, I spent all of my time with all of the wrong people. I see that now. I am grateful and lucky now. I have chosen my friends. I spend my time with and talk to,( even if it’s a short message or text), with people who know what a friend’so worth is. I have 2 people who I could hang out with every other day and never fight with. 2 people who are like sisters. ❤

Sometimes I get down, way down and I think that I have nobody. I will keep in mind to re-read this entry. It’s hard to be in my brain, and sometimes it’s hard to be around me. For those of you who have stuck with me, who encourage me and don’t avoid the everything that makes me who I am…I love you. Thank you.

Just remember, surround yourself with people who respect you, who you admire, and you will grow, you will feel so much better than spending time with people who just take….emotionally.

Something’s There!

17 Jan

Holy hell! Up and down, up and down….my mind, my weight, my mood, my passions and my hobbies! Nothing ever stays the same, I never always feel the same about any one thing, except for feelings of love and more the injustices people face every day.

One day I go about my day, all, “la tee da!” then the next thing I know, “whack!”, I get smacked with a truth that I had never seen or thought of before! Usually I get blindsided by my own words that I write down and only then do I know it is the truth! I get hit in the forehead by my own words most of the time! truth Sometimes I do this, and talk about painful things that are hard for others to hear and I don’t realize that I have tapped into someone’s pain….. I feel terrible when this happens, then I feel like I hope they feel that they can share with me, I know where they are coming from or I understand. It just happened last weekend with someone who I adore! I had no idea she had just felt so much pain about a certain and specific thought, then, I bring it up! Ugh! I felt so bad!  I am used to my big fat mouth getting me into trouble. I just can’t seem to keep the truth locked up inside my head….it comes bursting out of my mouth like a tidal wave, which we all know, can leave behind wavesome destruction.

Anyways, enough about my big mouth! Ha Ha!

Lately, I have been having this feeling, I need to move. I need to start getting energy, moving my body more and being more active with my kids and do it for me! My damned foot has been like a dead weight on me. I go to work in the morning, by the time I get home in the early afternoon, my foot is throbbing and I can only sit down to feel any relief. I must work through it….. and I need some motivation. Like I said, it has been an up and down ride with my weight and my feelings towards it for my entire life. Some days I don’t even want to see food. Some days I feel like I only want to eat salad or apples, and other days, I want to eat salt and crap!

5ba8c634fa4a92e4555e5dfafe90a37bI need a change, I feel it in my bones. It could be that I need to change my eating habits, which is a definite yes, but  I also feel like I need to change something drastic in my life. I dyed my hair, I started wearing mascara when I leave the house and I started painting my nails all the time. It might not seem like alot to anyone, but it is alot of little changes, that I know are about to lead to something bigger. I don’t know what it is, but I’m ready for it, I want it and I am not scared.

There has been a shift in my inner self. Maybe an awareness I have never had, maybe the growth of my self awareness, and definitely an eye opening with other people. I am acquiring more patience than I ever have and now I look, I mean really LOOK at my kids. I listen more to them as well. I am growing, I am searching, I am yearning, for what, I do not know,  and I feel that something is there! Confusion is the name of my game right now, but I will figure it out! There are things that I know to be true, some are good, fantastic and mind blowing, and others are sad and terrible, but they are the fixed, they will not change. What has me in a tizzy is the variables, the “what if’s”, the “I’m not sure’s”, thehuh_400 “huh?’s”. I know we must all feel this, and it might sound like I am talking about a whole bunch  of nothing, but there is something there. There is something afoot in my bubble. With anxiety, usually we(as in those of us who have it) have s”trange feelings that make us think that there is something definitely wrong. Something is off or not right, is a common feeling. This, is different completely. It is kind of like, there was a crater that hit the moon and I just “know” that things are about to change.

My anxiety, my empathy and my intuition can really screw me up. I can usually read people really well (empathy I suppose…lol) and my anxiety tells me that when something is wrong, that I was the one who caused all of it, and then my intuition tells me when something is about to happen. Blessings, curses….take it as you like, but it can be a very confusing life!

I don’t know what else to say except…… there’s a storm a brewin…..a change is gonna come!

We will see!