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Something’s There!

17 Jan

Holy hell! Up and down, up and down….my mind, my weight, my mood, my passions and my hobbies! Nothing ever stays the same, I never always feel the same about any one thing, except for feelings of love and more the injustices people face every day.

One day I go about my day, all, “la tee da!” then the next thing I know, “whack!”, I get smacked with a truth that I had never seen or thought of before! Usually I get blindsided by my own words that I write down and only then do I know it is the truth! I get hit in the forehead by my own words most of the time! truth Sometimes I do this, and talk about painful things that are hard for others to hear and I don’t realize that I have tapped into someone’s pain….. I feel terrible when this happens, then I feel like I hope they feel that they can share with me, I know where they are coming from or I understand. It just happened last weekend with someone who I adore! I had no idea she had just felt so much pain about a certain and specific thought, then, I bring it up! Ugh! I felt so bad!  I am used to my big fat mouth getting me into trouble. I just can’t seem to keep the truth locked up inside my head….it comes bursting out of my mouth like a tidal wave, which we all know, can leave behind wavesome destruction.

Anyways, enough about my big mouth! Ha Ha!

Lately, I have been having this feeling, I need to move. I need to start getting energy, moving my body more and being more active with my kids and do it for me! My damned foot has been like a dead weight on me. I go to work in the morning, by the time I get home in the early afternoon, my foot is throbbing and I can only sit down to feel any relief. I must work through it….. and I need some motivation. Like I said, it has been an up and down ride with my weight and my feelings towards it for my entire life. Some days I don’t even want to see food. Some days I feel like I only want to eat salad or apples, and other days, I want to eat salt and crap!

5ba8c634fa4a92e4555e5dfafe90a37bI need a change, I feel it in my bones. It could be that I need to change my eating habits, which is a definite yes, but  I also feel like I need to change something drastic in my life. I dyed my hair, I started wearing mascara when I leave the house and I started painting my nails all the time. It might not seem like alot to anyone, but it is alot of little changes, that I know are about to lead to something bigger. I don’t know what it is, but I’m ready for it, I want it and I am not scared.

There has been a shift in my inner self. Maybe an awareness I have never had, maybe the growth of my self awareness, and definitely an eye opening with other people. I am acquiring more patience than I ever have and now I look, I mean really LOOK at my kids. I listen more to them as well. I am growing, I am searching, I am yearning, for what, I do not know,  and I feel that something is there! Confusion is the name of my game right now, but I will figure it out! There are things that I know to be true, some are good, fantastic and mind blowing, and others are sad and terrible, but they are the fixed, they will not change. What has me in a tizzy is the variables, the “what if’s”, the “I’m not sure’s”, thehuh_400 “huh?’s”. I know we must all feel this, and it might sound like I am talking about a whole bunch  of nothing, but there is something there. There is something afoot in my bubble. With anxiety, usually we(as in those of us who have it) have s”trange feelings that make us think that there is something definitely wrong. Something is off or not right, is a common feeling. This, is different completely. It is kind of like, there was a crater that hit the moon and I just “know” that things are about to change.

My anxiety, my empathy and my intuition can really screw me up. I can usually read people really well (empathy I suppose…lol) and my anxiety tells me that when something is wrong, that I was the one who caused all of it, and then my intuition tells me when something is about to happen. Blessings, curses….take it as you like, but it can be a very confusing life!

I don’t know what else to say except…… there’s a storm a brewin…..a change is gonna come!

We will see!