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Keepin’ It Real

1 Jan

Last night was okay. I stayed at home with the kiddos and the hubby. It was actually pretty damned hard to stay awake! Yes, my life is full of excitement and wonder! Ha Ha!! The kids played some video games, we played a board game and watched some television! The kids were able to drink some orange pop, which is pretty exciting since they hardly ever get to drink soda, ever.

Today is a pretty slow paced day. I got up enough ambition to do the dishes and I might do a load of laundry later, but that is the extent of my physical exertion today. I see on the web, of people who are raring to go and do some things with their kids and leave the house…..well…..that takes getting dressed and a maximum level of effort! I might feel like a downer or a stinky bad mom, but my kids get to clean their room today! And, when they get sent to clean their room, they clean for 5 minutes and spend the next 2 hours playing peacefully together (on a good day). And, it seems like today is a good day! Lucky me!when-you-need-a-wee-but-got-wet-nails-4b98d I painted my nails and got them to dry without any smudges or wrinkles or any big mistakes because I chose to lay down and have a cat nap! Ha Ha! My nails are perfect!  Usually I cant take the ten minutes it takes for the polish to dry because I have to be screwing around with things all the time. My hands are constantly busy. No wonder I have carpal tunnel! I colour, crochet, knit, write, paint…..whatever I can to keep my hands busy at night when Im chillin’ watching tv.

I don’t know about you, but it is hard to just sit still. Lately I have been trying to stay off my feet because I have a really painful thing called plantar fasciitis, and it feels like there is a spike inside my heel when I walk. So, I tend to sit as much as possible, or stand in one spot on one foot when I do things like the dishes! I sound like so much fun don’t I?? Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband the other day about conflict, and my lack of tolerance for it. I have some idea, but on the other hand I have no clue why it bothers me so much. I have a very quiet life. I love it like that. I know that I can have my relaxing down time when I come home. If I feel terrible, I just have to tell my hubby and kids, and usually they are pretty thoughtful of me at these times. I know that they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and that things will change rapidly when it happens, but for now, I will revel in what I have.

loveMy conflicts lately have been in my head. I am fighting with myself constantly about whether my “friends” and family actually like me or love me. I think about how we never have any company come to visit. Or how nobody calls just to see how I am doing. I seriously have two people who keep in contact with me on a regular basis. They are the closest people to me, whom I see way less than I should. I know these two people love me and are there for me, as I am for them. Both of these people are in my family and love me unconditionally, like family should. I feel the same for them. But as for people around me, I have nobody but my husband. I have friends who know me, whom I can share things with, but none of them come to see me to see how I am doing. None of them just drop me a text to say hey hows it going. It hurts me. When they need a favour, I am a go-to person. And I know people have busy lives, I know everyone has their issues to deal with, but I hate always being the bottom rung. The first one they go to, or need to get up higher, and once they hit their height, the first rung they needed is forgotten. I know alot of these feelings could be my disorder, could be me being too sensitive, but to me, these feelings are real and painful. I usually keep these feelings inside without sharing them because my family tends to call them “poor me moments” or a “pity party”. This is just an insensitive way of realizing someone actually has anxiety and/or depression. My whole family is riddled with it, and the majority of my aunts and uncles have had these moments or little parties. I personally hate the terms they use, it’s offensive, but who can call them out on it? No one has and no one will. I will bitch about it, but I don’t really want to cause a war in the family. Too many of those have happened in the last year because of me being honest already! Ha Ha!

Wow, it has been a real shit show! It might actually be better that I have lost contact with some of them. I mean, it really is hard to keep track of everyone nowadays anyhow….I did the math not too long ago, and just with my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids, there is about 79 of us all together. At one point I could remember my aunt, uncles and cousins birthdays. Not anymore! Ha Ha!

Anyways, what I was trying to get at in the first place, is that seeing what everyone else is doing in their life on a regular basis can be bad for your brain! I see all sorts of love and excitement and cheers and hugs and accomplishments on a certain social media site, and it is starting to cause me heart ache, because I am not that mother, or father, or aunt. I don’t take my kids on all sorts of outings and events. I don’t belong to any groups or I don’t have a 100% spotless house at all times….who am I kidding….at any time! Ha Ha! I love my kids, but I don’t do sports. I personally cannot afford sports for them either. I have them in swimming lessons and they will be going back to piano lessons when we are financially sound enough…..but seriously…..if your life is not all pudding cups and lollipops, stop portraying it like that! We all have bad days. We have all yelled a time or two or more at our children. We are not always smiles, or appreciative of the things we have, or positive. It is okay world. It is okay to have a bad freaking time of things. If you do, I encourage you to share.share Share…..when you do, you give others the opportunity to help and be there for you. You give others the chance to see that their lives aren’t so different. You can make it okay for others. If you struggle, don’t do it on your own. If you read this posting of mine on facebook, you can see in the comments how what I say can sometimes help others. My aunt, sweet, dear Aunt Sue, always comments on my postings, she knows how things feel, and she lets me know that she is there, listening and reading every word I throw out, there is support.

I want to keep things as real as possible, and as I sit here typing my entry for the day, I am at my desk in my bedroom with jogging pants, fuzzy socks and a nightgown on. I have perfect nails! But my room is a mess…..I hate putting clothes away….despise it…and I am seeing it out of the corner of my eye. I know I have to do it….but I don’t want to. I have had to yell at my kids a couple of times, they have been hounding me to play their game system for the last 20 minutes. I say no, they have a tantrum. But, alas, my words are still being written!

Keep it real people. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it can drain you….but you do it, you fight for it, you love people, loving people means opening yourself up and sometimes getting hurt, but we do it all again, and again, and again!

Reality and honesty is my truth, it is my everyday. It is my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

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It’s All About Everyone Else

14 Aug

It has been a while since my last post. I have been very busy, with no time at all to do some serious relaxing! I am sure that every parent feels this way, and it might be even worse for business owners. I am tired. Plain and simple. Tired. I have a ton of things to do on any given day. I still have not caught up on my book work for the bakery. I am about 2 weeks behind, except for payroll, that is always done on time. I work everyday, and some days that I have off and get off work a little early, I am having to do things at home, or taking my kids places and playing or doing crafts. I have to do my rounds of visiting, getting supplies for the bakery, and keeping up with having friends and family. I know it does not sound hard, or even like work to do most of these things, but when you are stretched out in all directions, it feels like climbing a never ending mountain, Unattainable success in achieving anything. At any given moment, if I sit down and relax, I can guarantee that I would fall asleep. 

I know I have to take an hour or so to just relax and centre myself again, like hitting a reset button, but there is always something else or someone else that needs my immediate attention. Even if I did have some relaxation time, what would I do? I would just fall asleep. Maybe I should do just that. When I put the kids to bed at night, I should just lie in bed and relax. So simple, but so hard to do!

So, who needs my attention? My children, 7 & 5 years old. They are not quite independant yet and even the smallest things need my attention. My children are a little different than most as well. They are always by my side. I try to get them to go play upstairs with their toys, or to go read a book, but they never want to leave me. I know this is a blessing, because, realistically how long will this last? I love my kids, I love to cuddle them and kiss them, it has to be my favourite thing in the world. Sometimes they both want on my lap at the same time and they fight with each other on who’s arms should go around me. They push each other out of the way and most of the time I cannot handle this, but they get jealous of each other. I never want them to feel that I favour one more than the other, but I know it is inevitable. Whether you favour one over the other or not, they end up thinking or feeling that the other sibling gets more perks. I am an only child. I don’t really understand it. Anyhow, I love that they want to be near me at all times, but sometimes I need a minute. Sometimes I need an hour, or an uninterrupted bath, or pee for that matter! Ha Ha! My boys are having to learn that mommy needs privacy. Boys cannot come into the room when mommy is in the bathroom or changing, or showering etc. This is when they like to barge in or ask me questions or want to cuddle. I do what I can. I always feel guilty.

Who else needs me? My husband, but he is more self sufficient….I’m so lucky! My husband does dishes and laundry, he vacuums and cleans toilets! He makes dinner almost every night as well. He needs me emotionally. We are both pretty sensitive people and we miscommunicate. like most people. For the most part we are like one person, which is cool. I have to get out of my own mind and stop worrying about things or thinking about the business for a minute when we are talking, or he is telling me a story. The bakery is all consuming in my head. It takes over everything. It is sometimes hard to see his side of stories when I am thinking from the perspective of a boss or I am just emotionally drained. He is patient for the most part. He gets annoyed or even mad sometimes. But our relationship is successful because we both work at it and we talk and are honest with each other about absolutely everything. 

My staff and my business needs me. This is what drains me the most. Oh, people. People are different, people need to be guided at all times, there is a lot of hand holding. There is always a need to solve problems and keep everyone happy. There is sick calls, early outs, low production, excuses, reasons, etc. It isn’t always this bad, but it feels like it! I am a mediator, a mentor, a teacher, a boss, an employee, a counsellor, a therapist, a friend, a coach etc. I wear a lot of hats at work. I do my own book work, I am at the bakery very early every morning to do the baking of the cupcakes (180-240 cupcakes), I decorate them and then I decorate cakes and make the supply orders and organize the donations and meetings and such. Its very tiring.

All of this takes a lot out of me, and then I have friends and family that I visit. I just want to turn off my brain sometimes. I love my friends. I love my family. My best friends are my neighbours, they are a married couple with small kids as well. They are great and I could count on them for anything, as they could with my husband and I. I feel more secure knowing that they are right there. I now love my neighbourhood. I have made myself familiar with all of my neighbours now. I don’t worry about my children so much now. 

I still have to move and be conscious, but not only that, I care about everyone and everything that everyone is saying to me. My head is full, my body is tired. I need to relax.

Where do I relax without the need to get up and do laundry or clean? Where do I relax without feeling guilt because I am not doing anyting? Why do I always have to be doing something? 

I need to make time for me in order to take care of everything and everyone else! I just find it hard to do. It’s all about everyone else. DId I say I was tired? Ha ha! 

I am not complaining about my life at all….I am just enlightening you to how my life works. Most of the time I do not know what I am going to blog about at the time until I start typing, and even then I just realize how I actually feel when it comes out on the screen. 

I love my life, I love everyone in it, and I would not change anything, except my need to care for everyone else but myself. To find the balance would be great. That will be my next project!!

Get Outta My Mind!

23 Jul

For all of the trials, ups and downs, etc. that comes with having kids…..the anxiety never leaves me! I worry. Plain and simple. I worry about….. EVERYTHING! Especially with my children. The most precious things that I have in my life, in my posession. If they are not with me I worry even more. I know it sounds excessive, but even when they are with my parents, I worry. I worry about accidents happening usually, and I know it is because I was in a terrible car accident when I was 8 and could have died. This, has made me anxious. I go into hyperventilation when I cannot put on my seatbelt. I will not move the vehicle if everyone is not buckled up. It is so bad, that I worry about which route I take somewhere, like, what are the odds that the road I am taking is going to have a horrible accident? Crazy, I know.

So, my parents took my children on a little vacation. Not far, Niagara Falls, and Great Wolf Lodge. I know they are going to have a ton of fun! It is the longest that they have both been away from me, and it is taking a lot to be in constant worry state. It feels good to have some peace and quiet, but it does not last long when I start thinking. So, I have to keep busy and occupied. We took the kids to my parents house on Sunday, and when my hubby and I were about to leave, we hug and kiss the kids, my youngest (5) was fine, “bye mom”, as he rides his little bike around the driveway. My oldest is a different story:crying-baby-300x300  crying, I mean  tears flowing down his face and it broke my heart. He didn’t want to let me go. He kept saying “I don’t want you to go”. Ugh, It was rough. I have a hard time letting go in the first place, let alone the fact that he is giving me even more concern! He is in the end of the driveway crying and waving as we are leaving. In my crazy brain, I start thinking that this is his super sense premonition. He is telling me in a way that something bad is going to happen. This feeling never leaves me when something like this happens. It makes me very uneasy. I try to get out of the house so early in the morning that the kids don’t even see me leave. This way I won’t deal with any crying that will unbalance my feelings for the day and make me very anxious.

I tend to soak up everyone’s feelings that they are radiating around them. This really and truly sucks….to be blunt. People have thought that I was a mind reader. I feel feelings. If you picture a speaker, and those cartoon lines that are sound waves,aura this is how feelings radiate around a person, and I can see them and feel them better than most people. This is very uncomfortable at times, or it can be fun. It is always something! ha ha! I always feel like I have to be “on” when I am visiting with anyone, except for my immediate family. Sometimes I am super comfortable. Most times I am not. It’s funny that I haven’t thought about this until now, but I am always being who I think the other person/people need me to be. This can be anything from a mother figure, a best friend, a business person, etc. This is tiring. I am along this trip of life, trying to find me and be comfortable in my own skin, yet I am still bending and twisting into other forms. Which brings to me a question, am I truly myself in all of these instances? I think maybe I am, I just amplify some aspects of myself to make others comfortable. Maybe this is why I have made it so easy in the past to be taken advantage of. Bingo! There is some self actualization right there!

I know for sure I am always anxious. Worry will never leave me. But I have to work on the morphing myself to please others bit. I know that nobody asks me to do this, I do it of my own free will… not realizing. How do I stop?

My husband is the one that makes me very anxious as well. He is my roots when I am floating, but he also has an anger issue, not with anyone but himself though. Pain, can throw him for a loop and make him angry, this is the worst feeling for me. Feeling his anger is really really terrible for me.anger I don’t anger easily, and feeling his anger rise in such a short time, is very off putting for me. I go to the place where I think it is my fault, even though he is not projecting his anger on to me. I hope I am clear describing all of this. My husband is not violent whatsoever and has respect for me, he is great,  his anger is always directed towards himself. Just to be clear!

My neighbour, who is my very close friend, is painting her bedroom, and this is making her different. I was helping her paint, and I could feel her frayed nerves. This made me very uneasy and I had to tell her to calm down because I was feeling her feelings. I ended up going to her house when she was at work and completing most of the rest of the job. I not only wanted to help her out, painting calms me, but I wanted her to stop feeling so frazzled. This might sound a little selfish, but it wasn’t done with that intent. I guess I don’t realize why I do these things until I think about it afterwards. Plus, I like being a good friend. It makes me happy to make others happy…..uh oh, there is another self realization right there. I like to make people happy, because it reflects onto my feelings.

Oops! Ha Ha!Empathy-