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Not Another Post!

15 Mar

It is true, I post alot and I post things that I think in everyday life. I share my innermost thoughts and share some very sensitive things that not everyone wants to read. I know how some of the things that I say must feel to others, some roll their eyes and think that I am sharing way too much and care not to read about my life, while others (I have heard) think that it is inspiring and brave to share my story.

Now, Anxiety plays a roll in my life DAILY, while depression comes along every once in a while. But the true fact of the matter is that I cannot get out of my own head. Every day I refer to my abuse as a child, every day I wonder who I would have been without it happening to me. Every day I worry about the same thing happening to my children, which causes panic in me. I worry the most about this. I have little “worst case scenarios” that play in my head every time they go play outside. I think of someone preying on them, taking them and abusing them and worse. I shudder every time and it takes everything that I have in my to not call them back inside where I have constant control of the environment.

Today while I was preparing supper, I was thinking of how they will turn out when they are grown, how they will look, what kind of men they will be when they are older. I daydream things like that while I am alone. I predict what they will look like and what career they will strive for. Then, Mr. Anxiety shows up and I start wondering how I am going to cope letting them go….letting them move out of the house and be their own people. Having their own homes and going off to university, and their safety. This is what I worry about the most. Who is going to be there to keep them safe? Car accidents, freak things happen, and even murders. What the hell would I do then? I don’t know if I could bear it. I know, it turns selfish, it sounds selfish as I read what I write, but  I cannot help it…..this is the monster called Anxiety. This is catastrophic thoughts. This is a disorder. I cannot switch it off.

I am trying. I am really trying. I meditate and I am looking in to learning Reiki. I want to become a Reiki master. It would fit well with my husbands Holistic Nutrition and I dream that we can have our own little slice of “heaven” and do things the Holistic way and be able to sustain our finances while doing it. Ah, to dream!

But,I do think it’s  getting better, I seem to have  more of a grip on reality, which is what it feels like I have a lack of when having an anxiety attack.

Yes, it is yet again, another post about anxiety, about my struggle…..but it is real. It never leaves me.

I was trying to explain to my husband how it feels every day to be in my head. What I think of and how I cope. I told him this ” the first blowjob I ever gave was when I was 3 years old”. That is a hard pill to swallow. That makes you imagine it, to see it and fills you with so many emotions. Yes, it is true. I remember what it looked like and I remember how I felt and the hesitation and ultimately the trust that I put into that one person who I was raised like a sister to. It fills me with all sorts of emotions, and to let someone know how it feels is impossible unless they have been through it, but this is the only way that I could  verbalize the actual brutality of what was done to me. Plus, I think that it is a way to start getting prepared to tell my story to someone else who could really help me. Yes, Mark made me do  all sorts of things and he touched me where he shouldn’t have. The one good thing that I can say is that he did not mess with my virginity. He abused me from the time I was 2 or 3 until I was 5, and then again when I was 10. Only to have my first real sexual experience end up in rape, that was another story with another abuser.

Yes, anxiety is in my life forever. Yes, I will talk about it again. No, I will not shut up. It is real. Yes, it is REAL. I am jumpy, I scare easily and I feel like I am always scared. I try everyday to be better. I suffer everyday. I see the depths of my own hell as no one else can see.

I have taken you on a little voyage of my reality. The glasses are far from rose coloured. I feel better when I know I am just listened to. I feel justified in my fears and weirdness and quirks when people know my story. They see the “why”, not just me as I am now, as the result of the past, the pain. It’s a hard story to tell, but I know it must be hard to read as well. People are either disgusted and don’t want to read it, or are sympathetic and want to know my story or they are disaster whores, the ones who love to see the gore, who dive right into other people’s pain to feel better about their life.

I am okay with it all. As they say, everyone has a story, this is yet another post about it, but it is my Story. My Life as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.

 

Day Number Three

26 Sep

Today is day number three. Three of what? you say? Day number three of being off those day-3damned Cipralex pills. They should come with a personal warning, saying that “this is the pill that every doctor will try to put you on first. This pill tosses your emotions around like a rag doll and turn your anxiety into a downward spiral of depression in a matter of months.” I had more issues than that on this medication and the last month was the worse. My body and mind just did not do well on this pill. When I started feeling worse, I told my doctor and he just upped the dosage. This caused the effect on my body.

I decided, after not being able to enjoy a family celebration, that I would stop taking this “medication” cold turkey. Now I know there are some adverse effects that can happen when cutting them out all together, but I thought I would risk it. ANYTHING is better than feeling this way ALL the time. I would rather feel depressed off and on, then feel it every day all day and not even be able to walk out my front door. To be ashamed of myself every day and not want to see anyone. Not the life for me. I am a fun and outgoing, boisterous person who would do anything for anyone…..depression does not fit into this person very well at all. I’m gonna kick its ass this time. I am so done and over with the shitty feelings. I am done and over listening to a doctor who spends two minutes with me and decides what medication I should be on. I am going to do what feels right.happy-pills

Right now, I feel better. I am happy. I was being goofy and playful with my son this morning before he went to school. I wasn’t trying to be happy and fun, it just happened. This felt great! I am seeing a bit of the person that I used to be……I cant wait to meet her again!  I know this perfect feeling wont last during every day, and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it some of the time.

Things are starting to look up for me right now, and my husband is on board. He is telling me what vitamins to take and what foods to eat so I can correct the chemical imbalance that I have. He is supporting my decision, and so is my mother. We were both on a medication that made us feel not so great, and we both decided to stop taking it. I don’t advocate to anyone to stop their medication, I am just saying that I did it. Its the third time that I have tried and the first time that it was a success…..so far!

I hope it lasts. But I would think that after three days, most of it is out of my system. But I am no doctor…..*ugh*

I will keep up on the blog and letting you know how everything is going. I hope I see a weight loss….not only with my body, but on my shoulders as well!! And, I am hoping to start seeing the bright side of things more often now. Depression is an ugly beast and I hate battling with it everyday. I hope I wont have to fight so much now.

I will get my sleep, I will take the vitamins my hubs wants me to take, and I will feel better.

Oh….I will. try

The Fall of the Apple

17 Jul

apples_on_apple_tree
“They” say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, in essence, I am sure it is a true statement. We are all a piece of our parents, the blood, the looks sometimes, maybe even the way we talk or hold ourselves, and as we grow older, we remind ourselves of our parents more often than not. We are all different, and in time I find either we adopt our parent’s ways of life, or we veer off track hard. Given that different generations have their ups and downs, their beliefs, and what is popular changes. But I ask myself how close to being my mother I really am. And, how did I get there?

Now, my mother is the tree and I am the apple. This apple did not have a direct path down to fall off the tree. I have fallen through a numerous amount of shrubs before I hit the ground to make roots of my own. Being a single mother, my mom had some help from friends, family and different babysitters. I was very easily influenced as a child and even as a young adult….sometimes even now. I tend to take on other traits that I find endearing or respectable in others, this changes my path of thinking and introduces me to way more than I had imagined. My mother was/is a very strict parent. She had to. She worked 12 hour shifts, she put herself through college at 40, and bought a house on her own. She worked a lot when I was little, so much so, that I spent a good part of my early life at the babysitters house, which was great for both of us. Janie was/is a caring child care provider, with 3 children of her own, she took on foster children as well as taking on babysitting. These days I remember being a busy and curious little girl. Picking fresh beans in the garden and eating them, playing in the sandbox, legos and helping her in the kitchen, I would get to make my own pie with the left over dough she had, we even made home made ice cream! My mother was caring, not over affectionate though.mom I was always trying to find ways to get her to be near me. I would pretend to fall asleep on the couch so that she would have to carry me to bed. I loved this.

I learned hard work early on. I saw how often my mother worked, and I was expected to do things around the house as well. I learned to do the laundry when I was 8 and I also did the dishes and could make myself breakfast and such. I mowed the lawn and helped clean the house. There was no room for whining….mother did not take to that at all.

chores1Now that I am an adult, I can see the traits that I have carried on. Hard work and the expectation of my children to work hard as well. I want them to be children while they can, but it does not hurt my 7 year old to do the dishes regularly and clean the cat litter box. My 5 year old needs a little more work to get his little bum in gear still! In time! I admit, that I would not have a business of my own if I hadn’t been raised by my mother, She is definitely the strongest influence that I have to kick my own butt. Sometimes I am too hard on myself, which is where I am not like her at all, she is very hard on herself as well….probably moreso than I, but she does not take the time to relax and pamper herself. I don’t think that she has ever had a massage or a pedicure. Running the business means being under an intense amount of stress and constant worry. Being a mother already kicks these feelings into gear, never mind owning a business! Anyhow, I have been finding ways to relax and to find the initial reasons on my feelings. Being proactive is how I see it. Knowing the roots of my stress and how to handle it in the future is a useful tool, however, medical doctors are not in my routine. I am slowly backing off the medical industry all together. Like I said before, if I am cut in half, please take me to the hospital to be repaired, other than the physical injuries, I try to stay more natural. I see someone that does medical intuition, I have seen a homeopath and a holistic nutritionist. These all make me feel better. These all have natural ways to cure what is wrong, and they talk with me on how to deal with things in a natural way. Let my body tell me, get in touch with who I am and how I deal with things. Which is to say that your body reacts to everything. Emotions, feelings and diet have almost everything to do with the physical health of your body.

My mother, does not go this route at all! It has taken a lot for her to go to the doctor regularly. Her point of view for years was that if she was sick, she didn’t want to know about it. Just let it go. She now goes to the doctor. High blood pressure and a ton of stress, she smokes still as well. I know that she is not as healthy as she could be, I do not tell her this. She would change the subject or brush it off like she does so well. I am concerned of course. She has not really warmed up to my husband and I’s eating habits either. She still wants to feed my children bologna and chicken nuggets. My 5 year old does not quite understand our choices, which makes him a prime target for my parents to feed him whatever they want him to ingest. This scares me.

However, I do know that they will not harm my children, they will just not respect our wishes for eating habits. My ideals for the way that I live my life are completely different than what I was raised with and how to proceed through life day to day. I do not believe in eating animal products on a day to day basis.holistic I will never ingest a pig, cow, chicken, deer etc. ever again. On a daily basis, I will not intake milk or eggs on my own accord. I understand that going out is a little harder, and if there is butter in something, I am not going to die. I decide that holistic treatment for my body and mind is more of the route I would like to follow, and I am in touch with my feelings. I love. I love to love, hug and cuddle, touch….all of it. It feels good.Hugs are great. I do not get many from my mother, and I am not sure why.

I am not an apple that has fallen close to the tree. We may be joined by the same roots, but we are far from  being like each other. Maybe our humour and laugh, maybe how we talk and such, but beliefs are completely different. It makes me wonder how far my children will fall from me! As long as they are better for it, I am good with it and I will try to accept and encourage what they find important in their life.

How far did you fall?apple-love

Allergies Mix with Nothing!

16 Jul

So, over the last 3-4 weeks I have been very ill, with what I thought was seasonal allergies! Watery red eyes, runny nose, congestion and just overall feeling like a steaming pile of you know what. I went to a Holistic Nutritionist yesterday for allergy testing. This was very cool! I remember getting an allergy test when I was a kid. A whole bunch of little needles in my back injecting me with all kinds of things that could be potentially harmful to my body. At the end, my back looked like I had been attacked by mosquitoes. It was a terrible experience. I know, I know, some of you are thinking,”suck it up already”, but if you knew all the pokes and prods I had received already by that point, being a 9 year old child, this was just another experience that I had to choked down my tears.

Anyways, I went to Meagan Esser, she practices out of the Bluewater Nutrition & Health in Sarnia. She was so easy to talk to and I felt comfortable immediately. I also felt more at ease knowing that I would not be poked or be prescribed any medication. The testing for allergies is amazing. It’s pretty great how our bodies are so knowledgeable! If we would just listen! My body has been telling me something for the last little while, and I had not been listening… usually it takes an outside source to tell you something that you already knew to get your butt in gear!

Apparently, I am allergic to caffeine AND coffee! UGH!! It makes sense, but I felt like screaming “NOOOOO!!!”, busy wedding season, getting up at 5 am to bake 240 cupcakes every morning and spending at least 12 hours at work every day is NOT conducive to being allergic to caffeine! By the time I get home, I have a 5 and 7 year old who just want me to entertain them until they go to bed! Lets go mom, lets go, what can we do? I’m bored, can we go somewhere, can we do something? AH! I coffee would be great! MMMMmmmm, it smells so good! And it is fantastic with chocolate almond milk! Mmm. 

Enough! I will survive, I will drink decaf tea. I will not drink any soda (which I don’t anyhow). I will have to rest more, calm down and keep the stress level low (hahahaha) and eat properly. I haven’t been taking care of myself. Just like a mother and business owner, I come last. I can have that no more. I have to eat breakfast, or take the time at night to make a juice, I have to take my vitamins. I have been doing this for the last 3 days and I have been feeling better! My eyes are not yucky any more, my nose is not drippy and my cough is almost all gone. I did get light headed last night, but I think that is the toxins still having to come out.

I can concentrate better now, and I have more energy. Meagan did tell me that I have to make sure that I get enough vitamins that actually absorb into my body. Tablets don’t let the body absorb enough, but capsules do, that’s an easy switch! Done! But now, my husband is making an example of me in front of my kids. They better eat their dinner or they will end up getting sick like mommy…..great! That feels so great! Ugh! But, he did make me a lunch for work this morning. That was sweet!

So, from now on, I will take care of myself and eat all meals, eating lots of fruit and veggies, legumes, oats, etc. Whatever it takes! Except for swiss chard… hubby tried that at dinner last night, and it did not fly, that stuff is horrid! Neither I or the kids could eat it! And, it made me feel like a little kid because my husband is eagle eyes on me now with what I eat. Just eat it, he says…. I tried and couldn’t do it! Yep, there I was with a pile of it on my plate just like the kids! I was going to send myself to the corner! ha ha!

I highly recommend going to a holistic nutritionist, This was my first time and it will not be my last! I am trying to get away from seeing M.D.’s for everyday things that I get concerned with because I know better. I know that food can heal all. Food, and exercise and vitamins, can make mostly all well. If I get into an accident and need to be put back together, send me to a hospital! Alot more people are going this route now I noticed. It is everywhere now. Good. Now, just to get all the nay sayers either on board, or at least stop putting everyone else’s choices down!

In a perfect world