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The Road Travelled

19 Oct

I have been in a plateau lately with weight loss and I am needing to find a new routine for the colder weather. I have started yoga, as you know and I love it…..but my body needs something more than that. Bike rides to work once or twice a week and an everyday walk to pick up the kids at school.  I am needing more and with the weather change, it’s a little more difficult to get out of the comfy clothes and from under the cozy blanket to get my ass up and move! This is the time to motivate myself. This is the time to not get complacent and “decide” it’s okay to take a break….nooooo….Hell No. I didn’t come this far to just sit on my ass now. This is a daily thing. This self talk. I have created a new person from the inside out…Wait….I have found my true self and she is not someone who just sits on the sidelines and watches….she is in it!

So, in another way to motivate myself, I have decided to share my weight loss journey with you, not just with words,  but with pictures. It makes it more real when the photos are not just for me. This is a difficult thing to do, I know judgements happen when pictures come out, but it’s not really going to change my goal and my self love because someone judges me harshly. It would have crushed me a year ago, but now, I am real, alive and full of joy and love. Enjoy! The first picture is of me after I had lost 28 pounds. This was the first picture that was taken. The pictures will go in order from here.20170423_08501120170507_08461220170518_07071520170625_21033120170827_13064320171015_080753This last picture was taken maybe 3 days ago.

It has been a journey but it is not over yet. I have another 70 ish pounds to go. I started at 297 pounds in April and I hope to get to 150 pounds. I am not giving myself a time limit. I want to do this in a moderate and thoughtful healthy way. I am not in a race, I am looking for health, fitness and longevity.

I have started some courses now through the library and over the next year I will continue to do so. I am prepping myself for college and looking forward to another “chapter” or stepping stones to self realization, betterment and an overall benefit to myself and my family! There is no destination, my journey is my destination daily. My truth is right here, right now.

Everyone is someone great, even if they don’t know it! Finding your greatness is so amazing! I encourage everyone to do it!

Thanks for reading! Love you all❤

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The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

Something’s There!

17 Jan

Holy hell! Up and down, up and down….my mind, my weight, my mood, my passions and my hobbies! Nothing ever stays the same, I never always feel the same about any one thing, except for feelings of love and more the injustices people face every day.

One day I go about my day, all, “la tee da!” then the next thing I know, “whack!”, I get smacked with a truth that I had never seen or thought of before! Usually I get blindsided by my own words that I write down and only then do I know it is the truth! I get hit in the forehead by my own words most of the time! truth Sometimes I do this, and talk about painful things that are hard for others to hear and I don’t realize that I have tapped into someone’s pain….. I feel terrible when this happens, then I feel like I hope they feel that they can share with me, I know where they are coming from or I understand. It just happened last weekend with someone who I adore! I had no idea she had just felt so much pain about a certain and specific thought, then, I bring it up! Ugh! I felt so bad!  I am used to my big fat mouth getting me into trouble. I just can’t seem to keep the truth locked up inside my head….it comes bursting out of my mouth like a tidal wave, which we all know, can leave behind wavesome destruction.

Anyways, enough about my big mouth! Ha Ha!

Lately, I have been having this feeling, I need to move. I need to start getting energy, moving my body more and being more active with my kids and do it for me! My damned foot has been like a dead weight on me. I go to work in the morning, by the time I get home in the early afternoon, my foot is throbbing and I can only sit down to feel any relief. I must work through it….. and I need some motivation. Like I said, it has been an up and down ride with my weight and my feelings towards it for my entire life. Some days I don’t even want to see food. Some days I feel like I only want to eat salad or apples, and other days, I want to eat salt and crap!

5ba8c634fa4a92e4555e5dfafe90a37bI need a change, I feel it in my bones. It could be that I need to change my eating habits, which is a definite yes, but  I also feel like I need to change something drastic in my life. I dyed my hair, I started wearing mascara when I leave the house and I started painting my nails all the time. It might not seem like alot to anyone, but it is alot of little changes, that I know are about to lead to something bigger. I don’t know what it is, but I’m ready for it, I want it and I am not scared.

There has been a shift in my inner self. Maybe an awareness I have never had, maybe the growth of my self awareness, and definitely an eye opening with other people. I am acquiring more patience than I ever have and now I look, I mean really LOOK at my kids. I listen more to them as well. I am growing, I am searching, I am yearning, for what, I do not know,  and I feel that something is there! Confusion is the name of my game right now, but I will figure it out! There are things that I know to be true, some are good, fantastic and mind blowing, and others are sad and terrible, but they are the fixed, they will not change. What has me in a tizzy is the variables, the “what if’s”, the “I’m not sure’s”, thehuh_400 “huh?’s”. I know we must all feel this, and it might sound like I am talking about a whole bunch  of nothing, but there is something there. There is something afoot in my bubble. With anxiety, usually we(as in those of us who have it) have s”trange feelings that make us think that there is something definitely wrong. Something is off or not right, is a common feeling. This, is different completely. It is kind of like, there was a crater that hit the moon and I just “know” that things are about to change.

My anxiety, my empathy and my intuition can really screw me up. I can usually read people really well (empathy I suppose…lol) and my anxiety tells me that when something is wrong, that I was the one who caused all of it, and then my intuition tells me when something is about to happen. Blessings, curses….take it as you like, but it can be a very confusing life!

I don’t know what else to say except…… there’s a storm a brewin…..a change is gonna come!

We will see!

 

 

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

I suck….

18 Dec

So, lately I haven’t been feeling it. I have not been dealing with life very well at all. I am still suffering and this battle is never ending. I hate this. It’s like a damned rollercoaster in here! Good days and bad days, then a whole bunch of bad days….ugh. Lately I have been waking up in the morning with numb hands. I have carpal tunnel in both hands or wrists or whatever. This sucks large. And it is due to piping all of those cakes for the past ten years. Now, I am a cleaner and I need my hands. I can be mopping or sweeping and my  hands go numb. Then, when I step down and walk I have to walk gingerly because I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. This is very painful and prevents me from walking or doing things after a day of work. I just want to sit down because my foot hurts so bad. This means that I don’t want to go anywhere. I do. I want to go places, but I don’t want to walk around in pain and hobble around with a limp. I do not know if this is the reason that I am in a downer lately, but I am tired of this feeling.

I have no ambition to clean, do laundry or even do the baking for the week ahead. I want to cry and bury my head under the covers. I want to know why I feel this way. If I know the why, then I can work on how to get out of the funk. This time of year is my favourite, the kids get excited and I get ramped to see them so happy at Christmas, I love to give and I love to give things that I make. What is wrong with me? The Christmas spirit has not bitten me this year and I am failing. I am failing at everything it seems. I am not being the wife I should, I am pre-occupied  by my own pain to even listen, I am always off in my own head. I  want to be in the here and now, but something keeps blocking me from enjoying my everyday  life. There is so much joy to be had, I see it. I see my husband laughing and enjoying our children. I see him paying attention. I am there, I see it, but what is wrong with me? I am sitting there in the same room. I am doing something like crocheting and watching what I am doing in my own hands. I have a time limit to get these things done, yes, but why can’t I put the damned thing down for ten minutes and watch my son perform a silly little show where he is dancing and singing and being goofy? Why don’t I get up and go into the bathroom and supervise my youngest brush his teeth instead of waiting for him to come out and tell me that he brushed but he didn’t? It is the same every night and every night he has a fit about it. I could prevent that. But I sit in my chair like a cripple. Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like the victim all of the time.

I hate this fucking disease or disorder, or whatever the hell it is. It is taking me away from my family, it is taking me away from everything. The numbness in my hands goes away after a bit, and sometimes my foot is okay, but this mental shit is always there and it acts like a vaccuum. I cannot hear anything or anybody while it is in my head, and it sucks the sense of humour and joy right out of me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Don’t read that wrong, I want to live, I just want this shit gone.

I notice during my moments of clarity, that my children think that I will react to something a certain way, and when I don’t, they are surprised. Sometimes the trees block my view of the forest I guess. My oldest child just walked into my room to ask me something, I ended up hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him, which I do on a regular basis, but this time I told him that I was sorry for not being a good mommy sometimes. He looked at me, shocked, and ask me why I would say that. I told him that sometimes I feel like I am not the best mother, he in turn replied to me with tears in his eyes telling me that I am the best mommy, and if he could choose anyone in the world as a mommy, he would choose me. Wow, waterworks! I am bawling telling you this. Do you know why? Not only is my son the greatest human being in the world with the biggest heart, but I am also crying because I am not worthy of such unconditional love. I am not good enough for my children. They deserve so much better than me. I am a broken mom. I have all of these issues and I am scared that I am going to pass them on to them. I have some harsh reactions sometimes and I get scared that they will react like that too. I see other peoples lives on facebook, lots of pictures with their kids, lots of smiles and love love love, like they are always out and about doing loads of stuff with their kids without resting and taking a break. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they deal with stress and worry and all of the things that comes with life. Like, what do they have that I don’t? What is their secret? Why is everything so hard for me?

I can’t even stay with keeping on top of things. I slack. I mean, I made jars for my kids with chore in them on pieces of paper, I had them pick two per day, and that is their chore, well I was good at doing it for about 3 weeks, and now, in the last week I haven’t had them do it at all. I know, the holidays screw up all routines, but that feels like a loss of control for me. Like I didn’t care enough to keep it going. My intentions are good, but my follow through is really sucking right now. I am sucking right now. the game of life is getting the best of me. I need something to blame. I tend to just blame myself for everything, after all we all create our own destiny. Our life is in our hands. We get handed a bunch of obsticals, it is how we deal with each one that defines who we are.

My reason for this life is to help. I need to feel some sort of peace. I need always to help people. Right now, I have no idea how I am doing that. I clean. Who does that help, really? I know, it is something that needs to be done, yes, but there is nothing really meaningful about it. When I was baking, I was feeling like I was making people happy and bringing joy to their days. And through that, I could give the left over cupcakes to people who really couldn’t afford to eat. I gave them to The Inn of the Good Shephard. I also gave donations for fundraisers and supplied sweets for a cancer cruise every year. That, was good work, that was helping people. Now, I can’t even help myself. Gah, what the hell?

I guess my blog helps people, but it doesn’t reach far enough. I need it to reach more people to really make a difference. Maybe I need to go back to school to become something. To be someone again. Right now, I feel like a big pile of shit. Right now, I am not doing anything to help myself or anyone else. I am in a depression mode I suppose. Life is hard. Being in my own head is hard. I wish I could see inside someone elses head for a bit, see what it’s like to be “normal” if that is a thing. I am in such a bad head space, that this blog entry probably sounds erratic  and all over the place. I  don’t even know if I can join one thought to another. I need a shower, I need to take a walk, I need to get out of my head. I need therapy.

I suck.

Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!

Half Cracked Nut

1 Nov

nutIt has been 8 days since I closed my business. I might or might not be slowly going insane! Ha! I was all torn about my emotions at first, and now…..I am torn about my emotions. But the emotions are a little different now. I know that I will not own a business again, and I will not work full time at something unless I find something that I am super passionate about and still feel that I have enough time to be with my family and run a normal household, like with laundry being done and put away and meals prepped and all the everyday things I can do without stabbing myself in the eye with a fork (on purpose). I hated those days where I worked so much and struggled so hard at getting things done at home that I felt far more inferior than all of the other mothers out there. Never again.

Right now I am in a love/ hate relationship with my mind. Gah! I hate when I think negative thoughts and worry so much that I start chewing the inside of my mouth and doing other anxious ticks, like picking at my head or chewing nails, anything to deal with the worry. I worry that I won’t sell either the bakery as a whole, or for the pieces. I worry that I won’t be able to do anything because I don’t have any money. I worry that I will have to use the baby bonus for the payroll taxes that I owe. Boo….such downer thoughts, but rational I think. I have had about 7 people inquire about buying the business, lots of questions, but in the end, nothing. I know it has only been less than a month that I put on facebook that I wanted to sell, but it has been on Kijiji for the past 4 months already. And! I think someone stole my damn planter boxes from outside my bakery! Like….what? They were brown and pink! Hide those!! How rude! Ugh….things like this….just get to me. I offer myself to work for whoever wants to buy it. I will train people for Pete’s sake! Then I think….what have I done? Why did I open a bakery in the first place?why Not everyone’s hobby ends up as a business, but I loved doing it so much! After a while it became work, with the business stuff, like taxes, money, staff, suppliers, etc. All of that made going to work not as fun. I will bake all day, every day if I don’t have to do any of the bookwork and emails and dealing with money. I will take a paycheck thank you very much.

lovehateSo, I love/hate right now. I love/hate being off work. I love/hate being at home with no money, because if I don’t have it, I don’t spend it. I love/hate cleaning the house constantly. I feel like a half cracked nut, not knowing which way to chose. I know, I should probably be looking for work, and I have a couple of places in mind, but I was really hoping that I could stay off work until the new year and enjoy being home with the kids and taking care of the house for at least two months. Something I haven’t done since I was on mat leave with Morley, which was almost 10 years ago.

My mind has no clue what is going to happen from day to day, and my body just follows the brain! The only thing that I do know right now for sure, is to stay on track with the gym. That is another thing that makes me feel super unstable. I went to a Halloween party, and I drank, and I had some snacks. Nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point I remember looking at a bowl of chips or cheesies and thinking…”ew”, my cousin and her daughter and hubby came over, we had some drinks, there is a big no no for losing weight. Then, last night, I had two candies from the kids stash. I know that isn’t too bad, but bad enough. And, now I don’t know if I am just feeling guilty for living, or punishing myself for something really bad that I did to prevent me from meeting my goal.pain It’s a freakshow in this melon! Gah! I ask myself why? Why did I eat that candy? Is it because I find myself sub human and not good enough to be healthy and live longer? Is it because I am a creature of habit and some habits are hard to break? Is it because I am weak? Is it because I haven’t truly faced everything that I need to in my past? Am I facing it the wrong way and not really accepting it and not really being truthful with myself? Why? Huh? Gawd, I feel so stupid sometimes. Really Amy? You better work hard at the gym tomorrow!

So, I did, I went today and worked so hard. In fact, I came right home to write this! I am still in my sweaty clothes, and my skin is just begging me for a shower! I am going to figure this shit out one way or another. I am going to dive deep. I am going to cry. I am going to yell, and I am going to write. I will find the answer, or answers. Who’s problem? Mine! Who needs to find a solution? Me! Ugh…..covers are looking good! NO!!!! Keep out of that bed! Get that pillow out of your hands. No lying down anymore. Sometimes I am a real bitch! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, if you have any ideas on any solutions to any problems that I can’t see the answers to, please feel free to comment on this blog. I am so ready for some input people! I struggle with my inner self and I really just wonder and worry about things all day long, unless I am at the gym, or I am cleaning. And no, I will not workout and clean 24/7 that is out of the question.

You know what’s funny? I thought that being unemployed for a bit could make me focus on myself and my family more. And the family thing is true, but I have put myself by the wayside yet again! I now go the the gym, but I really need to do some inside work as well. Damn, now I have homework. Any idea where to start?ideas