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The Road Travelled

19 Oct

I have been in a plateau lately with weight loss and I am needing to find a new routine for the colder weather. I have started yoga, as you know and I love it…..but my body needs something more than that. Bike rides to work once or twice a week and an everyday walk to pick up the kids at school.  I am needing more and with the weather change, it’s a little more difficult to get out of the comfy clothes and from under the cozy blanket to get my ass up and move! This is the time to motivate myself. This is the time to not get complacent and “decide” it’s okay to take a break….nooooo….Hell No. I didn’t come this far to just sit on my ass now. This is a daily thing. This self talk. I have created a new person from the inside out…Wait….I have found my true self and she is not someone who just sits on the sidelines and watches….she is in it!

So, in another way to motivate myself, I have decided to share my weight loss journey with you, not just with words,  but with pictures. It makes it more real when the photos are not just for me. This is a difficult thing to do, I know judgements happen when pictures come out, but it’s not really going to change my goal and my self love because someone judges me harshly. It would have crushed me a year ago, but now, I am real, alive and full of joy and love. Enjoy! The first picture is of me after I had lost 28 pounds. This was the first picture that was taken. The pictures will go in order from here.20170423_08501120170507_08461220170518_07071520170625_21033120170827_13064320171015_080753This last picture was taken maybe 3 days ago.

It has been a journey but it is not over yet. I have another 70 ish pounds to go. I started at 297 pounds in April and I hope to get to 150 pounds. I am not giving myself a time limit. I want to do this in a moderate and thoughtful healthy way. I am not in a race, I am looking for health, fitness and longevity.

I have started some courses now through the library and over the next year I will continue to do so. I am prepping myself for college and looking forward to another “chapter” or stepping stones to self realization, betterment and an overall benefit to myself and my family! There is no destination, my journey is my destination daily. My truth is right here, right now.

Everyone is someone great, even if they don’t know it! Finding your greatness is so amazing! I encourage everyone to do it!

Thanks for reading! Love you all❤

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re:Birth

23 Sep

I have been absent in my sharing with you. I have been present in my life day by day.  The broken woman who has shared her tortured soul with you is no longer here. Who stands in her place is the same woman, but she has an enlightened soul with pure light radiating around and within her.

I, Amanda (Amy) J. Bourgon, have been reBorn.

As you may already know, I was in a deep deep depression, anxiety was crushing me and my head was clouded with memories of the past and the pain I had felt. I was gaining more and more weight as time went by. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be happy and I was quick to blame those who did me wrong for my situation I was in at the time. I got to a whopping 296.5 pounds. I am 5’7″ tall. My 3X sized clothing was feeling tight and when I  had a difficult reaching around myself to do anything, I knew it was time to change. I knew that the way I was going about things was not helping at all. I didn’t really know what to do or where to turn.

I started my therapy back up at the Sexual Assault Survivors Centre. I was retelling my story and getting it off my chest to someone who would have a conversation with me and I was getting that instant feedback I was looking for. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. It was helping, but I needed something more. I needed a whole new outlook…….well……ask and thou shall receive.

I started reading a book. One sentence kind of slapped me in the face to spin me right where I stood. After the dizzying blow, I looked around and nothing was the same. I chose to open up and see through some new eyes, to think with new thoughts and act with new purpose. Things come when we are ready.

At first everything I was reading and thinking about and listening to was so foreign, yet so simple, I was shocked every day at what I was soaking in. I still have monumental moments like this, it is just easier to adjust now that I have seen “the light” so to speak. Everyone’s journey is different and not everyone will find their way the same way I did, so I don’t really want to push on to you what specifically worked for me. I just want to let you know that it can be done, and my experience may be here to inspire you or for you to know that it is possible.

So, with reading a chapter of a book, my life had now changed. I dove into other books like that one, soaking it in, finding new ideas and thoughts that are so simple they make so much sense, it is often over looked or people don’t believe it.  I believe. I am proof. I am still learning.

Right now, what I truly know and believe is that we are the earth. We need to be grounded and to remember that we are all made of the same things. We are all atoms and cells, everything in the world is made of the most basic elements. I know that nothing or nobody is better than anything or anyone else. I am no better than the ladybug eating the leaf, the wolf stalking prey, the man who has broken the law. We all have purpose, we are all energy and all of our energies are different. I choose to try hard to have and give out good energy. I choose to smile at everyone, I choose to stop my mind from judging others and just accept them for who they are. There is a very popular saying out there right now that says “everyone has a story”. It is true. Everyone does have a story, those stories are none of my business and it is not my business to judge others. I have to spend my energies on good purposes and to control my own thoughts, and guide my children likewise. The energy that I put out, I get back, and I don’t know about you, but I want good to come back to me and by judging others and thinking bad thoughts is not going to get me that.

The hardest thing I have had to do since my “vision clearing” is to control my thoughts. It might seem like it is an easy thing to do, but it takes time and practise and discipline. Everytime you think something negative, stop it. Try to look at it in a different way. Turn “disasters” into a lesson. Turn blaming someone else for how you feel off. Our perception of the world is the one thing that takes a “bad day” and turns them into glorious days. We can control this. We control our own universe as we know it. When I found this out, I decided that I would no longer have bad days. I would turn my life around because it was all in my hands in the first place! I had this power all along!

Done are the days when I put myself down. Gone are the days when I “let” someone make me upset. I am trying to discipline myself to remembering 100% of the time that I make my own reality. So, I am worth being happy. I am creating and accepting my own happiness. I  forgave everyone. I didn’t really have to though, because it was not for me to forgive. I accepted the individuals who inflicted pain, I accepted who they are and I stopped the judgement that I had laid upon them in the first place. Their actions never represented them as people, or ever will. We are not our actions. Forgiveness was not necessary, acceptance was, and to tell you the honest truth…..it was easy. I was done with living in the past and hanging on to bad feelings that weren’t my feelings in the first place. Those feelings were coming from the person who I no longer was. I wake up everyday as a new person. I can’t go back, I don’t worry about what has happened before today. Why? I can’t change it, and everyday I am different and I have grown since yesterday. With that in mind, I don’t really worry about the future anymore either. It is not today. I know that what I do today is what matters. What I say and think and do today is what matters. Living for today is the only way I found my true happiness.

I am not my home, my car, my clothes, my body even. I am pure energy. I am the light that I radiate. I am the goodness that embodies me. I am life, I am earth, I am you. I am the feeling of peace, calm, happiness, joy.

Even though I am not any of the things you can say are superficial, I decide that with such a pureness of being, I need to treat my physical body with respect. The physical body is a very intricate machine. It is full of electricity and chain reactions and cells and things that are super complex. Our bodies are the most amazing super computers that we will ever own and be allowed to function. Most of us do not know how to use it. I am trying to learn. In order to be “enlightened”, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It is holding and housing my other “body” my energy body. To be healthy is not just being fit and eating healthy, it is thinking healthy and your brain thinking the right thoughts and taking time to rest and clear thoughts as well.

I know, this is a 100% spin from where I used to be. I am more spiritual, which should not be confused with religious. I am not religious. I accept everyone as they are, I am guiding myself to no longer see race, age, sex, religion…..etc….it goes on and on. Everyone is me and I am everyone.

I may sound a little kooky to some…..but that dosen’t bother me.

I feel new feelings, I see through new eyes. I am at peace. I accept the love I recieve and I believe it when someone says nice things to me. I let others know my joy, but I don’t really need to….they see it in my face, they may also see my aura, which, I have been told is overwhelmingly light and has brought someone I know to tears of joy and overwhelmed her. Some people who have known me for years and years do not recognize me. My face is the same. My demeanor, my body, my thoughts and my energy is completely different.

You can do this to0, if you are depressed and/or anxious and overweight or just grumpy! Change can happen. You have to decide.

You control your life.

So far, I have lost 70.5 pounds, I have gained about 7 new friends (true friends), and good things are coming back to me. I am cashing in on all of the good energy which has made a full circle! What we put out, we get back! I am healthier, happier, I have better relationships, my kids are happier and healthier, my marriage is fantastic(it has never been otherwise), and I believe that I can DO…..fill in the blank. Anything.

Today is a wonderful day. From now on, everyday is a fantastic day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

Trick or Me

16 Jan

Over my life I have noticed how people judge others by their looks. Whether they are clean, dirty, nice hair or messy, how they dress and how they carry themselves. We are all guilty of it….don’t deny it! Now, forming an opinion about a person because of their looks is a different beast completely. Not all of us do that, that is for sure!

141020-080000I have been in different situations and jobs and been around a plethora of different people my entire life, and I have changed my appearance daily. Some days I don’t feel like doing my hair and makeup, so I go around with a hat on or a messy pony tail and wear joggers or yoga pants, making an effort every single day can be trying, especially when you have a mental disorder. I notice every time how people treat me differently when I go out. If I have no make up and a ponytail, they don’t really notice me and I hardly get any eye contact. I usually feel like others think that I am someone who is just a plain Jane woman, nothing interesting, nothing extraordinary, but people talk to me. On the other hand, when I do my hair nicely and put on makeup, I get completely different reactions from others. Now, before this sounds egotistical, I have a big blonde curly mane of hair. It is my greatest physical asset, and people notice it. So, they see the hair, they take a second look, Im usually always smiling at people, and I see that they actually take a minute, look at my face and into my eyes and smile. People engage me in conversation more and don’t try to get me out of the way fast.0

Now, it is not everyone else, it is me. I know this. I thought at first that everyone was so damn judgemental of appearance, but now, I don’t think that as much. Of course, some people are guilty of it, but for the most part I think that I am the one that changed my own attitude! I took the effort to show pride in my appearance. I am the one who decided to show the best of what my hair can do, and how I can change the beauty of my face. I, in turn feel better about myself, I hold my head higher, I walk taller and have more confidence. I changed the perception that I have of myself. I did that.

I used to think that I would think of myself the same no matter what, but when I get decked out and gussied up, well….I feel like I could take on the world! I feel pride in myself. It gives me a much needed boost. People notice that. Friends and family who see you all the time, they know!

I never usually wear makeup. I don’t go anywhere except to work and home. Why do I need to wear makeup? Do I need it? My husband says no, but then again, he says I look extra beautiful when I am dressed up. I haven’t regularly worn makeup since 2003. On the rare occasions when I do, I feel fantastic! Now, I have tricked myself! If I feel crappy and blue, like I’m a big piece of shit days, I am going to put some makeup on, do my nails and say screw you to the mirror….take that! Ha!

I might just keep this trick in my pocket and use it every so often. Even though my kids say I look scary with the smallest amounts of eye make up on! Ha Ha!

What do YOU think?20160301_172231

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Half Cracked Nut

1 Nov

nutIt has been 8 days since I closed my business. I might or might not be slowly going insane! Ha! I was all torn about my emotions at first, and now…..I am torn about my emotions. But the emotions are a little different now. I know that I will not own a business again, and I will not work full time at something unless I find something that I am super passionate about and still feel that I have enough time to be with my family and run a normal household, like with laundry being done and put away and meals prepped and all the everyday things I can do without stabbing myself in the eye with a fork (on purpose). I hated those days where I worked so much and struggled so hard at getting things done at home that I felt far more inferior than all of the other mothers out there. Never again.

Right now I am in a love/ hate relationship with my mind. Gah! I hate when I think negative thoughts and worry so much that I start chewing the inside of my mouth and doing other anxious ticks, like picking at my head or chewing nails, anything to deal with the worry. I worry that I won’t sell either the bakery as a whole, or for the pieces. I worry that I won’t be able to do anything because I don’t have any money. I worry that I will have to use the baby bonus for the payroll taxes that I owe. Boo….such downer thoughts, but rational I think. I have had about 7 people inquire about buying the business, lots of questions, but in the end, nothing. I know it has only been less than a month that I put on facebook that I wanted to sell, but it has been on Kijiji for the past 4 months already. And! I think someone stole my damn planter boxes from outside my bakery! Like….what? They were brown and pink! Hide those!! How rude! Ugh….things like this….just get to me. I offer myself to work for whoever wants to buy it. I will train people for Pete’s sake! Then I think….what have I done? Why did I open a bakery in the first place?why Not everyone’s hobby ends up as a business, but I loved doing it so much! After a while it became work, with the business stuff, like taxes, money, staff, suppliers, etc. All of that made going to work not as fun. I will bake all day, every day if I don’t have to do any of the bookwork and emails and dealing with money. I will take a paycheck thank you very much.

lovehateSo, I love/hate right now. I love/hate being off work. I love/hate being at home with no money, because if I don’t have it, I don’t spend it. I love/hate cleaning the house constantly. I feel like a half cracked nut, not knowing which way to chose. I know, I should probably be looking for work, and I have a couple of places in mind, but I was really hoping that I could stay off work until the new year and enjoy being home with the kids and taking care of the house for at least two months. Something I haven’t done since I was on mat leave with Morley, which was almost 10 years ago.

My mind has no clue what is going to happen from day to day, and my body just follows the brain! The only thing that I do know right now for sure, is to stay on track with the gym. That is another thing that makes me feel super unstable. I went to a Halloween party, and I drank, and I had some snacks. Nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point I remember looking at a bowl of chips or cheesies and thinking…”ew”, my cousin and her daughter and hubby came over, we had some drinks, there is a big no no for losing weight. Then, last night, I had two candies from the kids stash. I know that isn’t too bad, but bad enough. And, now I don’t know if I am just feeling guilty for living, or punishing myself for something really bad that I did to prevent me from meeting my goal.pain It’s a freakshow in this melon! Gah! I ask myself why? Why did I eat that candy? Is it because I find myself sub human and not good enough to be healthy and live longer? Is it because I am a creature of habit and some habits are hard to break? Is it because I am weak? Is it because I haven’t truly faced everything that I need to in my past? Am I facing it the wrong way and not really accepting it and not really being truthful with myself? Why? Huh? Gawd, I feel so stupid sometimes. Really Amy? You better work hard at the gym tomorrow!

So, I did, I went today and worked so hard. In fact, I came right home to write this! I am still in my sweaty clothes, and my skin is just begging me for a shower! I am going to figure this shit out one way or another. I am going to dive deep. I am going to cry. I am going to yell, and I am going to write. I will find the answer, or answers. Who’s problem? Mine! Who needs to find a solution? Me! Ugh…..covers are looking good! NO!!!! Keep out of that bed! Get that pillow out of your hands. No lying down anymore. Sometimes I am a real bitch! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, if you have any ideas on any solutions to any problems that I can’t see the answers to, please feel free to comment on this blog. I am so ready for some input people! I struggle with my inner self and I really just wonder and worry about things all day long, unless I am at the gym, or I am cleaning. And no, I will not workout and clean 24/7 that is out of the question.

You know what’s funny? I thought that being unemployed for a bit could make me focus on myself and my family more. And the family thing is true, but I have put myself by the wayside yet again! I now go the the gym, but I really need to do some inside work as well. Damn, now I have homework. Any idea where to start?ideas

Mirror, Mirror

27 Oct

Now that I am officially no longer self employed, I feel like I have no purpose. My worldmirror has been flipped upside down and personally, I have no idea how to deal. I didn’t think it would be this way. I thought that I would be fine, enjoy staying at home and being a mom and a wife and keeping up my house, since its been hard to do that for the last 10 years.

Now that I have no job, I am feeling down in the mouth. I was crying yesterday because of it. It is like a weight has been lifted, but then I look around and don’t recognize anything. I’m in a whole new world now. For 10 years, I was not only fulfilling a dream, but also being fulfilled by bringing people joy and for employing people from the community. Now that it is gone, I am reaching for anything to give me that fulfillment and purpose. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am or what I would like to do in life. I have been in an apron for so long, I have no clue how to deal without it. In the last 10 years, I have been raising my children, and running a business. I worked so hard and so much some weeks that it felt like I never saw my children. I remember putting in a 15 hour day and crying by the time I left to go home because I knew I had missed bed time and they never saw me that entire day. Those days were hard. Very hard emotionally and physically.

complaintI think what drained me the most was my strive for perfection. I know, not everything can go perfectly all the time, but I wanted it to. And when I disappointed someone, it killed me. I know for a fact that anyone who runs and owns a small business feels like their business is going under even when they get a small complaint. You go through a small panic attack and it puts your whole day out of whack. I will not miss this feeling.

So, what do I do now? What do I want? Who will hire me? I know, I just want a part time job and focus the rest of my time on my home and children and husband and writing, but what do I want to do for those 20 hours a week? Does it matter?employer Will it define me? Is it going to be embarrassing for me to see people who used to come to me for cakes, now seeing me doing something like serving them a coffee? Don’t get me wrong, I think that all jobs are important and I don’t look down on anyone, but it is quite a change of pace. Like I have to integrate myself back into society as a former business owner, as an employee not an employer. I was proud of my third baby, it’s hard to see her go, it’s hard not to go there everyday, and its hard not seeing Shanna everyday. I didn’t count on all these feelings.

I didn’t count on this depressed feeling. No job. No purpose. No money. Sadness. Rest. Rest? I have never in my life, been without a job for longer than 2 weeks. I have worked work-hard-1from the time I was 12 years old. I created my own job with a friend of walking dogs, and I babysat from 12 as well. When I was 14 I got a job as a dishwasher, then while still babysitting and going to school, I worked at a local pizza place. When I was 16 I took on a babysitting job that started at 6 am, and then I had to pick the kids up at the daycare after school and watch them until 11 pm. I was their mother for a whole year. When I was 19 I was running a bar. I was a bartender, made the schedule, ordered the food from the suppliers, cooked, served and worked the DJ booth when nobody else could. That was a lot of responsibility for a little money. I am not lazy, and now that I have no job, I feel lazy. I know, it has only been a few days, but I am hyper sensitive. I am also on a path of being super healthy and fit, and I had to peel myself out of bed at 5:07 this morning to get to the gym. I have started talking myself up….I have to. This morning I was telling myself to get up, beat the depression monster, don’t let it take over, don’t quit. I deserve better. Work for it. Get results.

Man, a lot of things run through my head everyday now, not just what has to be done at the shop, what supplies we need and who is working, what to make for supper, and what activities the kids have to do on what night.

I know this feeling should pass…..I am not sure when or how, but I know it will. It has to. I guess its one day at a time, baby steps. I had a friend talk me out of eating my feelings last night. She just texted me at the right time, and I confessed how I felt to her. I thought about it and just decided to go to bed instead of having another drink and something to eat. I went right to sleep. It was a good choice, and I hope I keep making them.

Hopefully every day gets easier. Evolution is inevitable, things will move and change, and I have to guide myself where to go and how to take myself there, it is learning how to do it that is key. Anyone know how to pick a lock? ha ha!