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Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

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Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!

Soaking in the Rays

12 Jul

sunshineAs of late, I have had an overwhelming need to be outside. I normally hate the heat….I am a furnace! I radiate heat like no one else! So, with the extra padding that I have acquired, it is grotesquely uncomfortable. But, I think that my body knows what it needs, and right now it needs the sunshine, and the hard work that has come with it. If I am in the sun, I have to be moving and working. I look around the house and the garden and I see everything that has to be done, and I just do it. My husband has learned to expect things to be different when he comes home from work now! I just can’t help myself.

I have noticed a calming effect that being outdoors and working hard and sweating has had on me. I am more relaxed and happier. I can take the time after working outside to sit down with a beverage and a book for an hour or two and not feel guilty because I am not doing anything. I even sometimes forget to take my crazy pill! I end up remembering, but I kind of like that feeling of forgetting it because it tells me I am doing okay. I am not obsessing over it and thinking that I really really need it! It’s good right?!!

I was actually okay the other day when I caught up on laundry. I spent from 10 am until 3 pm doing laundry and putting away clothes. And, cleaning the house too. But at 3 when I was done, I needed to go outside. I really HAD to do it!

The outdoors is something that I didn’t know was missing in my life, but now I love it, I live to be outside! And on hot sunny days like this, it is a chore to be inside. I walk through my house and think…ew! I wanna go outside! ha ha!

The other pros to being outside and doing work, is that it is free! I love free stuff! I also love the fact that we get the kids into doing the gardening and lawn care with us, and they learn how not to be lazy asses! I hate when they spend time in front of the tv during the day, or they want to be on their games all the time. Those of you with kids, do you ever notice how your kids become Mr.Hyde when they get off their games? Ugh, I can’t stand how they act afterwards! I limit the kids to a half hour a day of play…..unless their rooms are cleaned, they have done a chore, and it’s raining or hailing!

I wish that I had a country home with some animals and a huge veggie garden. Not only kidsbecause the environment is comforting and beautiful, but because the kids would learn the values of doing your own gardening and work in general. I was raised in a small country town and then moved out to the country later on. I learned what hard work was. What it felt like taking down dead trees in the field and planting new ones. I learned how to shovel corn out of an old corn dryer that is 50 degrees hotter inside than the already sweltering heat outside! I know how damn heavy those rubber tarps are that they put on top of semi trailers….ugh! I had my share of hard work, and I didn’t learn it all in the country, my mother showed me what work ethic was early on in my life. She was a single mother who sometimes carried 4 jobs at a time! And…..she came home and made suppers, did laundry, gardened, did peoples taxes and still had time to take me places, see some friends and lots of family. Honestly, I don’t really remember my mom relaxing. I remember her lying on the couch watching tv at night sometimes, but mostly, at night, she would be in her chair, hands busy with knitting or crocheting something for someones baby, or gifts for Christmas.

hard workI want my kids to know that kind of work ethic. I mean, not to that extreme, my mom was overworked. I want them to not care about getting down and dirty to get the reward of a job well done.

If I keep up with what I am doing, I think the kids will be alright. They are 7 and 9, and they do dishes every once in a while, and the oldest knows how to do laundry. I refuse to raise a boy into a man to rely on others to do things for him. My kids help with dinners and baking and know how to use a knife properly. My oldest son likes to cook himself eggs for breakfast! He amazes me!

All of those who suffer from the never ending inside beehive in your head, try to work hard outside. Soak up the rays, drink lots of water and revel in what  you have accomplished! You will feel better for it! A little vitamin D never hurts!

Have a wonderful day!

Slowing My Roll

29 Jun

As of yet, there is no fantastic cure for feeling like your head is about to explode, I mean, how much input can go in and be tossed around and worried about? You would be surprised! Anyhow, since the methods that I have been trying haven’t been working, I think it’s time to try something new. And something a little less destructive.

My husband is the real hero in this episode. He said to me the other day that he thought we were drinking too much and neither of us have been feeling that great. I completely agreed. Our sleeping is off and on, every other night it seems, we are not sleeping well and getting up at all hours. No good. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t expect to take care of our dependants either. Enough is enough.

I have been thinking really hard about taking in more nature, sunlight and just trying to sunrelax more in order to get some much needed rest for my mind. Vitamin D is a great source of natural anti-depressant. So, I vow to spend more time outside, to get more active with my children and to read more books. Once I get into a book, there is no stopping me!

I think that I drank about 14 glasses of water yesterday, I ate normally, which is pretty healthy and I spent the day cleaning my children’s rooms! What a task! My 7 year old’s room looked like three baskets of laundry exploded on his floor! It took me about 5 hours to clean everything! I won’t let that happen again! From now on I will check his room every day and make sure he is keeping up with everything. And to be honest, I felt really great after I had put away all of my kids clothes away and finished the ten  thousand loads of laundry! This is what I need. I need to fulfill my purpose as a mother, a wife and a friend. To do that I must take care of myself and just get through the day, as hard as it can be. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, actions and thoughts again. The never ending guilt and worry and all that goes with it, it is completely real, the feeling of defeat. The feeling that nothing will be right, or that something is wrong and you just can’t figure out what it is. The fear that you have said or done something wrong to someone and not knowing who or what it was. It is not easy to live with this. It’s even harder to live with when you drink. So, no more. Of course, it’s summer now and I will partake in a little bit of drinks now and then, but not every day. That being said, I never drank in excess when my kids were around. They are my first priority. Always.

I know now that I was going through a very very dark time and didn’t really know what to do. I am hoping now that is over. I will no longer cave in to my sorrows and try to cover them up, and by covering them up, I was only feeding them more. I know that now.

kid tieI vow, I will spend time at the beach, having picnics and playing frisbee and baseball with my family. I will drink water in excess and alcohol minimally, I will soak up the sun and tend to my new garden that I  just revamped in my front yard. I will take on the task of putting my kids clothes away and not waiting for them to do it. I will spend time doing learning pages and crafts with my kids. I will try not to worry about the housework as much and worry more about feeding my kids with attention, education and physical activities.

I will make myself better. Until I can see a real doctor who knows about all of this, I will try to manage on my own. I will try to cure myself in every way that I can. I know I will have bad days, but I have to remind myself that it is just one day. That one day does not claim my entire week, month, year or life.

To those of you who know me personally, I thank you for the support you have given me thus far, and I also thank you for the support you will continue giving me during this time, it will be a struggle for me, just know, I know how much you give even when you are just asking me how I am doing or you come to see me just to give me a hug and let me know that you are there, or that you are dealing with the same things.

And now…… to live!

live

Hands In the Dirt!

21 May

Oh what a glorious day! Sun is shining and the temperature is perfect! This year my husband and I have really been concentrating on our yard and garden! We live in the city and fortunately we have a pretty decent sized back yard. It makes it great for the kids, they can run and play, and so can the dog.

This year more than most years I have come to appreciate being outdoors. I was always an indoor person, always busy doing something to either organized, clean or improve the house. Now, I am beginning to love the outdoors.  I don’t mean going in the bush to hunt a rabbit or anything, just play around in the yard or work on the looks of the outside of the house. So far this year I have put in a strawberry garden, moved my hostas, hung flower baskets and painted the fence in the backyard and the front porch. Yesterday I hung up some more hanging baskets and lanterns for the fron! I came in the house afterwards and showed him my big girly muscles! ha ha! He was making supper.. not sure how he felt about this, but the porch looked good and dinner was great…. both winners!

I love to sit outside and blow bubbles for the kids, they run around like crazy seeing how far the bubbles will go, or just trying to catch a bubble! They ride their bikes up and down the street and play with the rest of the neighbourhood kids. You know, my neighbourhood has really come more personal and just more friendly. We kind of do a kid rotation now…which is so nice! Always a parent to look after everyone! Nobody is ever nervous anymore about our own kids when we see the other parents outside. This lets me be an even better neighbour. I can help others on my block with different projects that they have going as well. I love to do this. I was born to help. I was born to make others happy.

Anyway, off track! So, now that my appreciation for the fresh air and sunshine is hitting an all time high for me, I am loving doing the gardening and having my hands in the dirt. Now, I am an old hat at getting down and dirty, I used to garden with my mom and have to pick weeds and plant, when we moved to the country, I had to help with taking down dead trees and planting new trees along side of the fields, still more gardening and of course the country jobs that rural teens usually have  like shucking corn, corn detasseling and I even shoveled corn with my step dad which is not fun work. I love the dirt. Especially that rich dark soil, that soil that you know the plants will just open themselves up to and blossom like you want them to.

My kids are city kids and I am trying to get them to open up to being comfortable in the dirt and grime and hard work! There is no reward if you don’t work for it! That’s what I think. I was taught that as well. My mom worked really hard at all times. I never really saw her do nothing except at night when she wasn’t working. Lead by example! It really works! I am proof!

Connecting with nature is wonderful and I look around more now and just see the creatures and plants around me. I see it now. I didn’t see it before….now I do!

Get your hands in the dirt, go for it! It just might melt all the stress that you have been carrying!

dirty