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The Switch

28 Feb

For my entire life I have never had a problem making friends. I am a people person and I love to laugh and have discussions and just have meaningful talks. Over the years I just kept acquiring new friends and keeping all of my old friends as well. Then, not so long ago, maybe 5 years ago….the switch flicked on in my head and in my heart.     I, like every one else in their lives, grow. I had grown more mature, I had grown in ways that made me like myself more, and some of the friends I was keeping company with less.

 

I realized that in order to keep growing and accepting things I cannot  change and to feed the hungry curious minds of my children that I would just have to let go of some people. I am not saying that they are not worthy of friendship, just that I had outgrown them. It was like I graduated from high school to university. Also, they were full of negativity and one was especially keen to put others down to raise herself up.

There have only been two long term friends who I had to cut ties with, but with the same breath, I rejuvenated a friendship that hadn’t even blossomed to its full potential. I became closer than ever with someone who I had known my entire life. Do you know what’s funny? The fact that one of the friends I outgrew, she was friends with too and we outgrew her at the same time.

This new/old friend has been quite a blessing for me! She comes to visit with her daughter (who is a flipping hoot!), and we just visit, being ourselves. I don’t have to act or be super self conscious, we let each other know when we are needing a visit with each other and that’s that! Another switch flicked on after our last visit. She did a really nice thing and bought me a gift, something that I have wanted for a very long time but would feel guilty if I bought it. I was astounded. I am usually the one who buys the gifts for others, I am usually the one who takes the time and is thoughtful….. it’s rarely done for me! Wow, I was thinking….this feels strange. I am used to my parents buying us stuff here and there, but never a friend! Not unless it’s a holiday or something! Then I thought….that is so strange that I would feel flabbergasted, I would feel so much emotion and gratitude for something that was done because she thought of me. Wow….I have been friends with people who I have called “best friends” and I don’t recall once that either/any of them have been so kind.

When I was younger, I spent all of my time with all of the wrong people. I see that now. I am grateful and lucky now. I have chosen my friends. I spend my time with and talk to,( even if it’s a short message or text), with people who know what a friend’so worth is. I have 2 people who I could hang out with every other day and never fight with. 2 people who are like sisters. ❤

Sometimes I get down, way down and I think that I have nobody. I will keep in mind to re-read this entry. It’s hard to be in my brain, and sometimes it’s hard to be around me. For those of you who have stuck with me, who encourage me and don’t avoid the everything that makes me who I am…I love you. Thank you.

Just remember, surround yourself with people who respect you, who you admire, and you will grow, you will feel so much better than spending time with people who just take….emotionally.

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Aftershock

20 Nov

When something like an earthquake happens, it massively upsets the whole crust of the earth, shaking and quaking, shifting and grinding. There is inevitably an aftershock of such a rough event. Things have to settle and it causes a little more shaking and quaking in order to rest. I am comparing that to having a psychological blow like I had when remembering repressed memories. There is no rhyme or reason to these things, but the dust has to settle. I am still quaking. I am fuming to the brim with the uneasy feeling in my gut. I even had a dream last night that a random man came to me and started to beat me with a hammer. I am so enraged right now, that even in my dream, I wrestled for the hammer and beat him about the head and back with it. I could not physically hit him hard enough. I wanted death. This says a lot about the way I am feeling right now!

I am not right today. I don’t know if this hatred will ever leave me. This abuse, just happened. The memories that have been suppressed for 34 years have come back now, when I am 39 years old, I am having memories of being molested as a toddler. Yes, a toddler, a little baby girl. I am feeling all of the feelings I felt then. Only now, it is worse. Now, I think as a mother, with all the pain of the child locked up inside. It is an absolute terrible feeling to feel. Physical pain withstanding, the mental anquish that I am facing right now is debilitating. It has knocked me down. Forget living healthy, forget the money problems, forget it all. There is the selfish feelings of despair, anguish, mourning. I am mourning. Mourning for my memories that have been tarnished. Mourning for the self that I have never been able to meet because he destroyed me before I had the chance to live for me, to be who I was meant to be.

I have now talked to his ex wife and his mother. I love his mother, she partially raised me, and I know that I have not really faced her or talked to her while having so much rage directed toward her son. I thought I would spare her, but I can’t. She should be able to know how I am feeling. She should have an idea of the possibility of more victims, more of his prey that are out there thinking that they are the only ones. Wounds heal, but the scars last forever. I have a giant gaping wound right now, and there is no healing for me as we speak. I must do this, blog. I must get it out there. This is my healing process. But, I got off track. I sent his mother a message letting her know that I feel hatred towards her son, this is why I cannot face her and talk to her since the memories have reared their ugly heads. Well, I can tell you, I have no idea how to respond to what she is telling me. She wants me to find God, to have faith and let my anger go. She is not saying anything about how bad she feels about what her son did. She is just addressing me and telling me to let my pain go. I am so freaking sorry, but I NEED to feel this pain. This is the death of my childhood. This is the murder of my innocence and it was taken, never to get it back. This was the beginning of the terrible path that I would go on, trying to torture myself for the pain that was mine, but that I did not cause. I don’t see him with any apologies, I see him, far away from here, living life high on the hog, with a girlfriend who knows nothing of this. I wonder how high he would be sitting if she were to find out. I wonder how confident in himself he would feel if he were on the sexual assault list, if he were to have to announce to his neighbours that he was a convicted child molester. Where is Karma now? I am sorry, but I want him to feel the pain I feel. I want him to go down the road I have been on. The self hatred I have gone through for the last 34 years. The masking of emotions with food. The pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

Talking with his mother, left me in even more pain. Just talking about God and being free from the pain, and full of peace. I don’t buy it. I don’t get it. I cannot see it like that. It is bad to say, but I just see it as talking in circles and not making a definite statement about anything. It does not address my situation, it goes right to her and what she sees. It seems like I am not being heard by her. I love her, but I cannot talk to her right now. I will not be able to connect with her until I am adjusted. It is just a disappointment to learn that there is no talk about justice, about the way he preyed on me and the others who have come forward. Me and two others, I am pretty sure, there will be more.

I am broken. I have no more strength to keep talking to her about this. I am not being heard. I am being talked at. I am being placated. Like being patted on the head and told to shuffle off now.

I know she must not mean to come off this way, but this is how it feels. I know I must be lucky to be able to talk to my abusers mother, and family, but it is really hard. These are people that I love and looked up to all my life. This is people who told me they loved me and I believed it.

I want him to pay. I want to feel peace, but right now, I think all I will feel tomorrow, is a hangover. Don’t think that I won’t self medicate! I’m going to eat crap and drink a bottle of wine. I am going to hug and kiss my kids super hard and tell them like I have before, to not let anyone touch them, Hands off or tell an adult. I am a great mother, and I am not going to be wearing rose coloured glasses. I am going to be vigilant and only let them around trusted people. I know we cant be with our kids 24-7, but I can damned well try.

This may have made me stronger, but right now, I feel weak, sick and I want it to go away. My reality is bent and I have no way to straighten it right now. Like, a Salvatore Dali painting, all melty and weird, things aren’t as they should be. Ugh, it’s so weird right now. This is my aftershock. My second shake to settle things down. The hard look at the reality of everything before I can comprehend it is actually happening, and that it actually happened. Things were so much worse than my first memories. I am sure there are more to come. But for now, I wont will them to see the light of my eyes, I will just let what I do remember soak in and find a place in the person I am right now.

I will never apologize for the way that I feel. I am raw, you read what I write, it is exactly how I feel at any given moment. I don’t speak any truer words than the ones I share with you. Whether or not people I know agree with me or not, it is not my focus. I am sorry that you find my words and ideas offensive, or inappropriate, but nowadays, it is honesty that needs to be present. I will not glaze over anything. I will only be true to me. With that being said, nobody has come to me with mean words, but I just wanted everyone to know.

 

 

Hatred; The true struggle

19 Nov

I thought I had it good! I closed the business and thought, hey, I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to organize the house, make the kids breakfast every day, do all the housework, make all the dinners and take the kids everywhere they need to go. Well….its not that easy at all first of all, second, I had to really look into how our finances are! Not a good sitchyaysion! Behind payments on some things have to be made, outrageous utility bills needed to be payed, and I don’t have an income. Great. I can tell you that this Christmas is going to be pretty damn slim. So, I keep on, like I have to. I make out a budget for us and go to get a job. The first place I went, I went in without a resume to see just by chance that they needed someone. They hired me on the spot, and I was to go in the next day for an orientation. Well, looking through the pages the manager gave me, I saw that the busy time is on Saturday and Sundays. I had to do some figures, and I knew that this wouldn’t be worth it. I would start at minimum wage, which is something like $11.45 per hour and I would need child care for every shift she put me on Saturday and Sunday. Child care is $10 or more per hour for 2 children. I am damned if I am going to go to work for $1.45 per hour. Just ridiculous.

So, that was a bust. I start from before and really think about staying home. Then I start writing my life story. Not fun because of the memories I have to endure and relive. I got to the part about my early days at the babysitters. This is tough. It’s rough and hard to put down every single word. I have to phrase it like I am writing a story, not like I am writing for you. I have to word it differently, I can’t just write what is in my head at that particular moment. I should try, come to think of it. But, anyway, while I was writing about my early years at Janie’s, more memories came to me. The ones that have been repressed for ummmm…. say, 34 years. Wow….they hit me hard. Pardon my French, but it really fucking sucks. The feelings I have, I don’t even know how to manage them. I felt my face getting hotter, I know I was flushed. Alone, with a typewriter and paper, and I was blushing. I remembered some really nasty shit that he did and the way he hid it just makes my skin crawl. Ugh…. I feel nauseous. He would prey on me when I was playing in the basement, or watching tv in the basement. He could hear if someone was coming. Ugh, I want to vomit. What a piece of shit. I am riddled with rage, embarrassment, guilt and shame already, but now I have an unwavering feeling of utter hatred and disgust. I want to protect that little girl. I want to beat the shit out of the asshole who tried this with her before he got the chance. Who the hell did he think he was? Taking someone’s innocence like that, making  her into someone completely different without a second thought. And then I think, didn’t anyone see? Didn’t anyone notice something? Anything at all? Did my behaviour change? I know that I must have followed Janie around more after that. I remember not wanting to go downstairs when Mark was home. I remember, when he came home, I ran upstairs. Oh man, I just remembered some other things. Him, coaxing me down the stairs, and Janie had no idea. She would tell Mark to keep an eye on me when she was upstairs. Oh God. Here it is folks, a mental cap has been opened. I thought it was bad when I first remembered some of the memories….this. is. much. much. much. worse. These memories are lethal. I am so queasy right now. I keep thinking that the memories have to end somewhere, but they just keep going. I never ever ever wanted to be alone with him. A little girl, innocently watching Sesame Street and playing with her little chocolate baby doll (as Janie called it) and then, in looms the darkness, the face of evil plastered with an endearing face and a fake smile. The used car salesman who sells nothing but crap. Trust me. Come sit with me. Here, give me your hand….ugh…..its much much worse than that, but I will spare you.

I know he was a victim, I learned that earlier this year. It might seem bad of me, but I do not care one iota. I was a victim too. I didn’t do that shit to anybody. It really screwed with my head. I was petrified when I had my first baby. I thought, oh man, I hope I never do that, I won’t do that. I was so scared of myself, it was terrible. I never ever have had thoughts of that before. I was scared to bathe my son. I didn’t want to touch him in case it wasn’t right, or appropriate. I know, I am just a loving mother who wants the best for my kids and to love them, I shouldn’t be a first time mother and have these fears. I blame this all on Mark. He did this to me. I was scared. I know who I am and I know I would never ever touch anyone like that. I knew who I was then too…..but it scared the shit out of me that history would repeat itself, maybe because I have watched enough episodes of SVU to know that most molesters are what they are because it was done to them.

I hate him. My day went to shit because of him. I want him gone, out of my life. Out of my memories. He ruined perfectly good memories of me with his mother. I love her. She was a wonderful care giver, and he ruined everything. He made me scared when I was little, he made me scared of loving anyone, really, and opening myself to my husband. He made me scared of real love and intimacy. He made me scared to touch my baby, even to change his diaper and bathe him. He scared me when I had to talk to him daily while his mother was in the hospital, I didn’t want to talk to him. He is a snake in the grass. He has two faces. He hides his true self. He couldn’t even admit to me that he did anything wrong. He has never told me sorry for what he has done. And I doubt he ever will. He does not make me scared anymore, but I am scared of myself and all of the hateful feelings I have towards him and his oily self. I don’t want to hate him because I love his mother.

I love her and I don’t want her hurt. But, I hate him so much. I know she loves him and always will. I know she will always protect him, and I just can’t seem to face that.

Whew, now all of that, that is my true struggle. Day to day life sucks when you are broke, but it sucks so much harder when dealing with these freaking memories, and when storing all of this hatred.

 

Gone but not forgotten

18 Oct

I recently stopped taking my  anti depressants. I feel great. I have lots of energy and I get up bright and early to exercise! Tomorrow marks the first two weeks since I have started. I can see a small difference already in my body. My head is also clearer and more happy. I have more goals and different goals than I had ever had. I want to hike. I love hiking!hiking I want to hike the Bruce Trail eventually. I want to run in a marathon. I want to join a baseball team. I just guess I want to do everything that I have never done or never wanted to do before. And just so you know, I am in this for the long haul. I am into being dedicated to my health and physical fitness for life. Yes, I want to be a lifer!

As far as the depression is concerned, it is gone…..but the anxiety lingers. I felt it for the first time again while we were away at the cottage. My husband took the boys into town, about 20 minutes away, and I started to worry. Like, if they got into an accident, there would be nobody to call. I have all of the health information for the boys, they have no phone with them, if someone finds them hurt, how will anyone know that I am at the cottage waiting for them to get back? These, are very anxious thoughts. I recognized it for what it was immediately and started breathing, I took a walk and by the time I was at the end of the driveway, I could see them coming down the road! I knew I was worrying without reason, and this time, I caught it! That nasty anxiety, always wants to rear its ugly head and make sure I haven’t forgotten it!

So nowsad I have come to terms on accepting what has been done to me in the past, and trying to learn and grow from my pain. I feel different, I feel stronger. But, in the same breath, I am also more sensitive. There was a hullabaloo in my family just recently, and I was the one blamed for it all. I don’t have any idea why I would get the blame for others actions, but there it is. In the end, my mother gave me some sound advice to ignore them, delete them from my facebook and just consider the source. Well…I did follow that advice, but it still stings to know that some members of my family have cast me away. They no longer have any love for me and would rather talk bad about me to other family members in order to get the message across. That kind of thing, can start someone on a downward spiral. I cried, of course I cried….some very nasty things were said, only by two of my aunts. Everyone else is super cool!  And if you know me and love me, you know that I would give anyone the shirt off my back and apologize that it wasn’t enough. So, what is a girl to do, but call mom! Aren’t mothers great? They stand up with you, they dry your tears and straighten your back. My mom does anyhow. She is the best. So, since I am off the drugs and dealing with things in a different way, I also have to recognize when a feeling is happening and decide whether it is normal or not. Then, go from there. It will be a learning process….but I am dealing with it so far.

Other than that, everything is hunky dorey! Now, that I can omit the bad, I can accept the good. Surround myself with good people with good vibes. Learn to love myself.self-love This, is a feat! It is not easy to have grown up thinking I was bad, a failure and a terrible person, because why else would so many bad things happen to one person? To learn to love the person I am now, is going to take some time and some good support from good people. I no longer feel that everything bad that happens to others, I have to fix. I am letting go of hanging on in a sense! Ha Ha!! Those words worked out well! Ha Ha!

So in my journey to a better me, a healthier me, mind and body, I am learning with baby steps. I don’t think that anybody can go all in at once with this stuff! Thanks for supporting me, learning who I am and going on my journey with me! I can’t wait for results and pictures that I can show you!

All The Same

20 Sep

I once thought I was alone. I thought that no matter how many people are around me, I am truly not accepted for who I am, that others thought of me as strange, too loud, not educated and embarassing. I thought that all my feelings of self doubt and worrying about everything and the depression that comes with it, was all my own. I was suffering all by myself. I still feel that way sometimes. Like when I take my leave from visiting someone, that they really were just pretending to like me and think that I am not really worth their time. I know, this sounds very harsh and depressing, but this is how I feel sometimes. Except now, I know I am not alone with this.  I know there are others who feel this way as well.

I recently went to a family celebration in which I sat with my parents and my two aunts. The conversation soon floated to the comparison of anti-depressants that we are all taking, or are supposed to be taking. This, felt like a light shining into my darkness. I was free. Open to talk about my feelings. Knowing that first, its in the family, and second, to know there are others that I trust and can confide in, although, I only really feel comfortable really getting into depth about it with my mother.anx Soon, during this conversation, I was kind of feeling despair over the events that had brought me into this disorder in the first place. I was brought to tears and had to remove myself from the entire table. Feeling this way, the time that night, did not get better for me. I was rushing down that spiral of darkness and was not finding a way out. Now, this is the second time that my disorder has brought be down in public. I am not sure if I am working through it, or getting worse. I accept it, and I am not afraid to tell anyone who asks. But now it is interfering more than I like. I have really good days, then I have not-so-good days. Today is one of the not-so-good days. Today is an ostrich day, today is a hermit day, a day for me to hide and read, and cry. I need these days sometimes.

My choice of selling the bakery has everything to do with my personal mental health and my parents health. And, now that I have decided this, I want it done. I really want someone to swoop in and take over. I love my baby, my bakery. I love all of my employees and my very faithful customers. Now, I need to love me. Now, I need to focus on my family. I need to do it before its too late. I have this ever pressing need to spend time with my mom and dad. To be there to do chores and take some of the hard work from them. I need to do that. I will do that. This is tearing me apart as well. I don’t know how much time my dad has left. He is not doing well and I love him. I want him to know how much he is loved.

My life is a maze, it feels like, but one that is changing with every turn. The walls move and some try to close in on me. I need to find my way out. I need to see the sun. I am glad I am not alone, but I feel alone in the worst way. I am my own worst enemy. I feel things that come out of the blue and have no reason to be there, but there they are! I know I am surrounded by friends and family, I know I am loved, but there is the demon that keeps making me feel sad. The one that says, you are fooling yourself. People dont like you. People want to use you. People dont care how you feel, or what you say. People pretend to be your friend. This demon is an asshole and I wish I could drain the life out of it and look it in the eyes when I did it.

I am surrounded and lonely, I am thankful and doubtful. All of my feelings contradict each other. Its all the same now. Im a yo-yo. sad

Strength

31 Mar

strengthThere I was, decorating cakes. Putting a good coat of icing on the cake. I had just had a talking to with one of my employees about behaviour and trust and the right way to do things at the bakery. Trust is a major issue. If I can’t trust you then I question everything, my choices and theirs. I was quietly contimplating on how my employee thinks that I am. Does he know the struggles that I have had and what I have dealt with? Does he know that I will not ever be treated like a doormat again? Does he know that I will not tolerate anything less than hard work and dedication? Does he know how many other employees have treated me like shit and I put up with it for so long?

I changed my mind after been bitten so many times by people. No matter the amount of beating down I have taken, I always try to see the best in people. I always see the good and it takes me a while to notice the negative things. I was friends with someone for 30 years before I realized she was a truth twisting narcissist who only was interested in her own benefit! Now, that is either stupidity or blindness on my part! I still only see the good, but I learn quicker now on what is genuine and what is not. I learned to be a little more weary with trust.

Then I was thinking about my own strength. I do not know anyone who is stronger than my own mother. She has dealt with a lot of terrible things in her life, people pushing her down and taking advantage of her, tragedy and so on. She has lived through it, she is strong because she had to be strong.

She is so strong on the outside, that it is almost to the point of being her weakness. Now, she has to stay strong because that is what people expect. But inside she is warm and fuzzy and loving. The more she loves you though, the less you see of the inside. She has to be the strongest for the ones she loves. I love her dearly and I would take a bullet for her, but I do not wish to be like that in that regard.

I am a big pile of mush. I hug, I cry, I love, I talk, and talk, and talk….. but I don’t find this a weakness. I am strong. Even though I am soft and squishy, I have a core that is pure strength. My strength is taking help when I need it. Saying sorry when I have made a mistake, giving my child a hug when they are crying, talking to others about what I have gone through to help them. My strength is facing my demons, it is reliving my pain in order to heal. It is telling the people that I love, “I love you”.

I am strong. It takes strength to talk of my pain. It takes strength to tell the world. To know that everyone (almost) that I know and call friend or family will read my very words. Some will be shocked at what I write, others will not. But this most of all takes strength. Strength is not pulling a 7 ton car with your teeth. Strength is not denying yourself to feel your emotions. Strength is different for everyone. My cousin is showing his strength right now by surviving multiple surgeries and fighting. He has been fighting in the hospital for over a month. Just a teenager, and he has shown more strength than I can even imagine. Go Josh! https://m-crohnsandcolitiscanada.akaraisin.com/11470/team/105893

That being said, I know my strength, I know my mother’s strength, I know Josh’s strength and the strength of his parents and grandparents and siblings. Because those that are strong while dealing with an illness, they also need to feed on the strength of the loved ones who would take on their fight if they could.

Know your strength. If you have not had to show it yet, you are lucky, or live under a rock! ha ha! But know that during your life, you will see just how strong you are.

 

 

Trust Yourself

25 Apr

I went out today to run a couple of errands. I ran into an old acquaintance! It was great to see him and his son, who now towers over him! This man, is also the brother of someone I used to hold quite dear. She was my closest friend for 12 years. We met on the job and became quick friends. During the whole time, I was a very dedicated and generous friend. I listened, I was there, I just knew how to make her feel good about herself and I didn’t have to speak to her everyday, we just picked up where we left off. In the last year of our friendship, something changed. I started growing up and having different opinions and morals and even values. My family is the most important and I was learning that I was important as well. I needed to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. No more nights of drinking, no more hangovers, no more hanging out in garages and smoking and staying up until all hours and having my kids suffer for it. I was the person who would be spritely and upbeat in the morning. I no longer liked myself when I was with her. I could not see eye to eye with her on our very different parenting skills, but I soon found out that she was not the person that I had known for the last 11 years. Then I questioned how much of her experiences and stories that she told me were twisted to make her look innocent. Every relationship that she had during that time that would turn bad, they were always the man’s fault? Hmmm. Somethings just don’t add up. I began to see. I also realized that I was growing and evolving and she was not. I also saw how used I was in the friendship. How many times had I run to her? I put my own life on hold to help her or to be with her. I gave her everything I could. When I trust someone, I love them and I would do anything for them. She took advantage. And she lied to my son. This, I will never forgive her for. She hurt me, but I let her go. She will never hurt me again. I decided to release the bad from my life. Let all the negative people go. I let another person go out of my life in the same time. She was in my life for over 30 years until I could see that she was the same as the other.

This is when I started questioning all of my judgement on people for the last 30 years of my life. But, it was too late to look back now. I was opening a new chapter. A new me. One without any fleshy anchors weighing me down, spiritually and emotionally.

So, As I welcomed a big hug from the former friends brother, I was at peace. It was good to see him, and he was happy to see me as,I know all too well about his struggles with his sister. He let me in on a little bit of insight on what is happening nowadays. And, as he is telling me about the circle of crap that he has to deal with and the fact that he avoids her and his other brother as much as possible, for the same reasons….this just empowered my feelings on my decisions that  I had made with letting her go out of my life 4 years ago. I do trust myself. I will be strong, I will not question whether I should speak to her again, Thank you “J”, for letting me know that I made a good decision, and I am always going to have an open heart and ear towards him, his wife and sons if ever they need to vent. I know your struggle.

Just remember, when you make a tough decision, that actually makes your heart ache, go with it, Stick to your original thoughts and don’t question. If you feel it’s right for you,,,,, do it. You will see in a time. it could be 3 months, it could be 4 years, or it could be instant, that you are better for it!

Trust Yourself