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Not Another Post!

15 Mar

It is true, I post alot and I post things that I think in everyday life. I share my innermost thoughts and share some very sensitive things that not everyone wants to read. I know how some of the things that I say must feel to others, some roll their eyes and think that I am sharing way too much and care not to read about my life, while others (I have heard) think that it is inspiring and brave to share my story.

Now, Anxiety plays a roll in my life DAILY, while depression comes along every once in a while. But the true fact of the matter is that I cannot get out of my own head. Every day I refer to my abuse as a child, every day I wonder who I would have been without it happening to me. Every day I worry about the same thing happening to my children, which causes panic in me. I worry the most about this. I have little “worst case scenarios” that play in my head every time they go play outside. I think of someone preying on them, taking them and abusing them and worse. I shudder every time and it takes everything that I have in my to not call them back inside where I have constant control of the environment.

Today while I was preparing supper, I was thinking of how they will turn out when they are grown, how they will look, what kind of men they will be when they are older. I daydream things like that while I am alone. I predict what they will look like and what career they will strive for. Then, Mr. Anxiety shows up and I start wondering how I am going to cope letting them go….letting them move out of the house and be their own people. Having their own homes and going off to university, and their safety. This is what I worry about the most. Who is going to be there to keep them safe? Car accidents, freak things happen, and even murders. What the hell would I do then? I don’t know if I could bear it. I know, it turns selfish, it sounds selfish as I read what I write, but  I cannot help it…..this is the monster called Anxiety. This is catastrophic thoughts. This is a disorder. I cannot switch it off.

I am trying. I am really trying. I meditate and I am looking in to learning Reiki. I want to become a Reiki master. It would fit well with my husbands Holistic Nutrition and I dream that we can have our own little slice of “heaven” and do things the Holistic way and be able to sustain our finances while doing it. Ah, to dream!

But,I do think it’s  getting better, I seem to have  more of a grip on reality, which is what it feels like I have a lack of when having an anxiety attack.

Yes, it is yet again, another post about anxiety, about my struggle…..but it is real. It never leaves me.

I was trying to explain to my husband how it feels every day to be in my head. What I think of and how I cope. I told him this ” the first blowjob I ever gave was when I was 3 years old”. That is a hard pill to swallow. That makes you imagine it, to see it and fills you with so many emotions. Yes, it is true. I remember what it looked like and I remember how I felt and the hesitation and ultimately the trust that I put into that one person who I was raised like a sister to. It fills me with all sorts of emotions, and to let someone know how it feels is impossible unless they have been through it, but this is the only way that I could  verbalize the actual brutality of what was done to me. Plus, I think that it is a way to start getting prepared to tell my story to someone else who could really help me. Yes, Mark made me do  all sorts of things and he touched me where he shouldn’t have. The one good thing that I can say is that he did not mess with my virginity. He abused me from the time I was 2 or 3 until I was 5, and then again when I was 10. Only to have my first real sexual experience end up in rape, that was another story with another abuser.

Yes, anxiety is in my life forever. Yes, I will talk about it again. No, I will not shut up. It is real. Yes, it is REAL. I am jumpy, I scare easily and I feel like I am always scared. I try everyday to be better. I suffer everyday. I see the depths of my own hell as no one else can see.

I have taken you on a little voyage of my reality. The glasses are far from rose coloured. I feel better when I know I am just listened to. I feel justified in my fears and weirdness and quirks when people know my story. They see the “why”, not just me as I am now, as the result of the past, the pain. It’s a hard story to tell, but I know it must be hard to read as well. People are either disgusted and don’t want to read it, or are sympathetic and want to know my story or they are disaster whores, the ones who love to see the gore, who dive right into other people’s pain to feel better about their life.

I am okay with it all. As they say, everyone has a story, this is yet another post about it, but it is my Story. My Life as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Keepin’ It Real

1 Jan

Last night was okay. I stayed at home with the kiddos and the hubby. It was actually pretty damned hard to stay awake! Yes, my life is full of excitement and wonder! Ha Ha!! The kids played some video games, we played a board game and watched some television! The kids were able to drink some orange pop, which is pretty exciting since they hardly ever get to drink soda, ever.

Today is a pretty slow paced day. I got up enough ambition to do the dishes and I might do a load of laundry later, but that is the extent of my physical exertion today. I see on the web, of people who are raring to go and do some things with their kids and leave the house…..well…..that takes getting dressed and a maximum level of effort! I might feel like a downer or a stinky bad mom, but my kids get to clean their room today! And, when they get sent to clean their room, they clean for 5 minutes and spend the next 2 hours playing peacefully together (on a good day). And, it seems like today is a good day! Lucky me!when-you-need-a-wee-but-got-wet-nails-4b98d I painted my nails and got them to dry without any smudges or wrinkles or any big mistakes because I chose to lay down and have a cat nap! Ha Ha! My nails are perfect!  Usually I cant take the ten minutes it takes for the polish to dry because I have to be screwing around with things all the time. My hands are constantly busy. No wonder I have carpal tunnel! I colour, crochet, knit, write, paint…..whatever I can to keep my hands busy at night when Im chillin’ watching tv.

I don’t know about you, but it is hard to just sit still. Lately I have been trying to stay off my feet because I have a really painful thing called plantar fasciitis, and it feels like there is a spike inside my heel when I walk. So, I tend to sit as much as possible, or stand in one spot on one foot when I do things like the dishes! I sound like so much fun don’t I?? Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband the other day about conflict, and my lack of tolerance for it. I have some idea, but on the other hand I have no clue why it bothers me so much. I have a very quiet life. I love it like that. I know that I can have my relaxing down time when I come home. If I feel terrible, I just have to tell my hubby and kids, and usually they are pretty thoughtful of me at these times. I know that they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and that things will change rapidly when it happens, but for now, I will revel in what I have.

loveMy conflicts lately have been in my head. I am fighting with myself constantly about whether my “friends” and family actually like me or love me. I think about how we never have any company come to visit. Or how nobody calls just to see how I am doing. I seriously have two people who keep in contact with me on a regular basis. They are the closest people to me, whom I see way less than I should. I know these two people love me and are there for me, as I am for them. Both of these people are in my family and love me unconditionally, like family should. I feel the same for them. But as for people around me, I have nobody but my husband. I have friends who know me, whom I can share things with, but none of them come to see me to see how I am doing. None of them just drop me a text to say hey hows it going. It hurts me. When they need a favour, I am a go-to person. And I know people have busy lives, I know everyone has their issues to deal with, but I hate always being the bottom rung. The first one they go to, or need to get up higher, and once they hit their height, the first rung they needed is forgotten. I know alot of these feelings could be my disorder, could be me being too sensitive, but to me, these feelings are real and painful. I usually keep these feelings inside without sharing them because my family tends to call them “poor me moments” or a “pity party”. This is just an insensitive way of realizing someone actually has anxiety and/or depression. My whole family is riddled with it, and the majority of my aunts and uncles have had these moments or little parties. I personally hate the terms they use, it’s offensive, but who can call them out on it? No one has and no one will. I will bitch about it, but I don’t really want to cause a war in the family. Too many of those have happened in the last year because of me being honest already! Ha Ha!

Wow, it has been a real shit show! It might actually be better that I have lost contact with some of them. I mean, it really is hard to keep track of everyone nowadays anyhow….I did the math not too long ago, and just with my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids, there is about 79 of us all together. At one point I could remember my aunt, uncles and cousins birthdays. Not anymore! Ha Ha!

Anyways, what I was trying to get at in the first place, is that seeing what everyone else is doing in their life on a regular basis can be bad for your brain! I see all sorts of love and excitement and cheers and hugs and accomplishments on a certain social media site, and it is starting to cause me heart ache, because I am not that mother, or father, or aunt. I don’t take my kids on all sorts of outings and events. I don’t belong to any groups or I don’t have a 100% spotless house at all times….who am I kidding….at any time! Ha Ha! I love my kids, but I don’t do sports. I personally cannot afford sports for them either. I have them in swimming lessons and they will be going back to piano lessons when we are financially sound enough…..but seriously…..if your life is not all pudding cups and lollipops, stop portraying it like that! We all have bad days. We have all yelled a time or two or more at our children. We are not always smiles, or appreciative of the things we have, or positive. It is okay world. It is okay to have a bad freaking time of things. If you do, I encourage you to share.share Share…..when you do, you give others the opportunity to help and be there for you. You give others the chance to see that their lives aren’t so different. You can make it okay for others. If you struggle, don’t do it on your own. If you read this posting of mine on facebook, you can see in the comments how what I say can sometimes help others. My aunt, sweet, dear Aunt Sue, always comments on my postings, she knows how things feel, and she lets me know that she is there, listening and reading every word I throw out, there is support.

I want to keep things as real as possible, and as I sit here typing my entry for the day, I am at my desk in my bedroom with jogging pants, fuzzy socks and a nightgown on. I have perfect nails! But my room is a mess…..I hate putting clothes away….despise it…and I am seeing it out of the corner of my eye. I know I have to do it….but I don’t want to. I have had to yell at my kids a couple of times, they have been hounding me to play their game system for the last 20 minutes. I say no, they have a tantrum. But, alas, my words are still being written!

Keep it real people. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it can drain you….but you do it, you fight for it, you love people, loving people means opening yourself up and sometimes getting hurt, but we do it all again, and again, and again!

Reality and honesty is my truth, it is my everyday. It is my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!