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Not Another Post!

15 Mar

It is true, I post alot and I post things that I think in everyday life. I share my innermost thoughts and share some very sensitive things that not everyone wants to read. I know how some of the things that I say must feel to others, some roll their eyes and think that I am sharing way too much and care not to read about my life, while others (I have heard) think that it is inspiring and brave to share my story.

Now, Anxiety plays a roll in my life DAILY, while depression comes along every once in a while. But the true fact of the matter is that I cannot get out of my own head. Every day I refer to my abuse as a child, every day I wonder who I would have been without it happening to me. Every day I worry about the same thing happening to my children, which causes panic in me. I worry the most about this. I have little “worst case scenarios” that play in my head every time they go play outside. I think of someone preying on them, taking them and abusing them and worse. I shudder every time and it takes everything that I have in my to not call them back inside where I have constant control of the environment.

Today while I was preparing supper, I was thinking of how they will turn out when they are grown, how they will look, what kind of men they will be when they are older. I daydream things like that while I am alone. I predict what they will look like and what career they will strive for. Then, Mr. Anxiety shows up and I start wondering how I am going to cope letting them go….letting them move out of the house and be their own people. Having their own homes and going off to university, and their safety. This is what I worry about the most. Who is going to be there to keep them safe? Car accidents, freak things happen, and even murders. What the hell would I do then? I don’t know if I could bear it. I know, it turns selfish, it sounds selfish as I read what I write, but  I cannot help it…..this is the monster called Anxiety. This is catastrophic thoughts. This is a disorder. I cannot switch it off.

I am trying. I am really trying. I meditate and I am looking in to learning Reiki. I want to become a Reiki master. It would fit well with my husbands Holistic Nutrition and I dream that we can have our own little slice of “heaven” and do things the Holistic way and be able to sustain our finances while doing it. Ah, to dream!

But,I do think it’s  getting better, I seem to have  more of a grip on reality, which is what it feels like I have a lack of when having an anxiety attack.

Yes, it is yet again, another post about anxiety, about my struggle…..but it is real. It never leaves me.

I was trying to explain to my husband how it feels every day to be in my head. What I think of and how I cope. I told him this ” the first blowjob I ever gave was when I was 3 years old”. That is a hard pill to swallow. That makes you imagine it, to see it and fills you with so many emotions. Yes, it is true. I remember what it looked like and I remember how I felt and the hesitation and ultimately the trust that I put into that one person who I was raised like a sister to. It fills me with all sorts of emotions, and to let someone know how it feels is impossible unless they have been through it, but this is the only way that I could  verbalize the actual brutality of what was done to me. Plus, I think that it is a way to start getting prepared to tell my story to someone else who could really help me. Yes, Mark made me do  all sorts of things and he touched me where he shouldn’t have. The one good thing that I can say is that he did not mess with my virginity. He abused me from the time I was 2 or 3 until I was 5, and then again when I was 10. Only to have my first real sexual experience end up in rape, that was another story with another abuser.

Yes, anxiety is in my life forever. Yes, I will talk about it again. No, I will not shut up. It is real. Yes, it is REAL. I am jumpy, I scare easily and I feel like I am always scared. I try everyday to be better. I suffer everyday. I see the depths of my own hell as no one else can see.

I have taken you on a little voyage of my reality. The glasses are far from rose coloured. I feel better when I know I am just listened to. I feel justified in my fears and weirdness and quirks when people know my story. They see the “why”, not just me as I am now, as the result of the past, the pain. It’s a hard story to tell, but I know it must be hard to read as well. People are either disgusted and don’t want to read it, or are sympathetic and want to know my story or they are disaster whores, the ones who love to see the gore, who dive right into other people’s pain to feel better about their life.

I am okay with it all. As they say, everyone has a story, this is yet another post about it, but it is my Story. My Life as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

The Switch

28 Feb

For my entire life I have never had a problem making friends. I am a people person and I love to laugh and have discussions and just have meaningful talks. Over the years I just kept acquiring new friends and keeping all of my old friends as well. Then, not so long ago, maybe 5 years ago….the switch flicked on in my head and in my heart.     I, like every one else in their lives, grow. I had grown more mature, I had grown in ways that made me like myself more, and some of the friends I was keeping company with less.

 

I realized that in order to keep growing and accepting things I cannot  change and to feed the hungry curious minds of my children that I would just have to let go of some people. I am not saying that they are not worthy of friendship, just that I had outgrown them. It was like I graduated from high school to university. Also, they were full of negativity and one was especially keen to put others down to raise herself up.

There have only been two long term friends who I had to cut ties with, but with the same breath, I rejuvenated a friendship that hadn’t even blossomed to its full potential. I became closer than ever with someone who I had known my entire life. Do you know what’s funny? The fact that one of the friends I outgrew, she was friends with too and we outgrew her at the same time.

This new/old friend has been quite a blessing for me! She comes to visit with her daughter (who is a flipping hoot!), and we just visit, being ourselves. I don’t have to act or be super self conscious, we let each other know when we are needing a visit with each other and that’s that! Another switch flicked on after our last visit. She did a really nice thing and bought me a gift, something that I have wanted for a very long time but would feel guilty if I bought it. I was astounded. I am usually the one who buys the gifts for others, I am usually the one who takes the time and is thoughtful….. it’s rarely done for me! Wow, I was thinking….this feels strange. I am used to my parents buying us stuff here and there, but never a friend! Not unless it’s a holiday or something! Then I thought….that is so strange that I would feel flabbergasted, I would feel so much emotion and gratitude for something that was done because she thought of me. Wow….I have been friends with people who I have called “best friends” and I don’t recall once that either/any of them have been so kind.

When I was younger, I spent all of my time with all of the wrong people. I see that now. I am grateful and lucky now. I have chosen my friends. I spend my time with and talk to,( even if it’s a short message or text), with people who know what a friend’so worth is. I have 2 people who I could hang out with every other day and never fight with. 2 people who are like sisters. ❤

Sometimes I get down, way down and I think that I have nobody. I will keep in mind to re-read this entry. It’s hard to be in my brain, and sometimes it’s hard to be around me. For those of you who have stuck with me, who encourage me and don’t avoid the everything that makes me who I am…I love you. Thank you.

Just remember, surround yourself with people who respect you, who you admire, and you will grow, you will feel so much better than spending time with people who just take….emotionally.

Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

Trick or Me

16 Jan

Over my life I have noticed how people judge others by their looks. Whether they are clean, dirty, nice hair or messy, how they dress and how they carry themselves. We are all guilty of it….don’t deny it! Now, forming an opinion about a person because of their looks is a different beast completely. Not all of us do that, that is for sure!

141020-080000I have been in different situations and jobs and been around a plethora of different people my entire life, and I have changed my appearance daily. Some days I don’t feel like doing my hair and makeup, so I go around with a hat on or a messy pony tail and wear joggers or yoga pants, making an effort every single day can be trying, especially when you have a mental disorder. I notice every time how people treat me differently when I go out. If I have no make up and a ponytail, they don’t really notice me and I hardly get any eye contact. I usually feel like others think that I am someone who is just a plain Jane woman, nothing interesting, nothing extraordinary, but people talk to me. On the other hand, when I do my hair nicely and put on makeup, I get completely different reactions from others. Now, before this sounds egotistical, I have a big blonde curly mane of hair. It is my greatest physical asset, and people notice it. So, they see the hair, they take a second look, Im usually always smiling at people, and I see that they actually take a minute, look at my face and into my eyes and smile. People engage me in conversation more and don’t try to get me out of the way fast.0

Now, it is not everyone else, it is me. I know this. I thought at first that everyone was so damn judgemental of appearance, but now, I don’t think that as much. Of course, some people are guilty of it, but for the most part I think that I am the one that changed my own attitude! I took the effort to show pride in my appearance. I am the one who decided to show the best of what my hair can do, and how I can change the beauty of my face. I, in turn feel better about myself, I hold my head higher, I walk taller and have more confidence. I changed the perception that I have of myself. I did that.

I used to think that I would think of myself the same no matter what, but when I get decked out and gussied up, well….I feel like I could take on the world! I feel pride in myself. It gives me a much needed boost. People notice that. Friends and family who see you all the time, they know!

I never usually wear makeup. I don’t go anywhere except to work and home. Why do I need to wear makeup? Do I need it? My husband says no, but then again, he says I look extra beautiful when I am dressed up. I haven’t regularly worn makeup since 2003. On the rare occasions when I do, I feel fantastic! Now, I have tricked myself! If I feel crappy and blue, like I’m a big piece of shit days, I am going to put some makeup on, do my nails and say screw you to the mirror….take that! Ha!

I might just keep this trick in my pocket and use it every so often. Even though my kids say I look scary with the smallest amounts of eye make up on! Ha Ha!

What do YOU think?20160301_172231

Wake Up!

12 Jan
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Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!