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Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.



Day Number Three

26 Sep

Today is day number three. Three of what? you say? Day number three of being off those day-3damned Cipralex pills. They should come with a personal warning, saying that “this is the pill that every doctor will try to put you on first. This pill tosses your emotions around like a rag doll and turn your anxiety into a downward spiral of depression in a matter of months.” I had more issues than that on this medication and the last month was the worse. My body and mind just did not do well on this pill. When I started feeling worse, I told my doctor and he just upped the dosage. This caused the effect on my body.

I decided, after not being able to enjoy a family celebration, that I would stop taking this “medication” cold turkey. Now I know there are some adverse effects that can happen when cutting them out all together, but I thought I would risk it. ANYTHING is better than feeling this way ALL the time. I would rather feel depressed off and on, then feel it every day all day and not even be able to walk out my front door. To be ashamed of myself every day and not want to see anyone. Not the life for me. I am a fun and outgoing, boisterous person who would do anything for anyone…..depression does not fit into this person very well at all. I’m gonna kick its ass this time. I am so done and over with the shitty feelings. I am done and over listening to a doctor who spends two minutes with me and decides what medication I should be on. I am going to do what feels right.happy-pills

Right now, I feel better. I am happy. I was being goofy and playful with my son this morning before he went to school. I wasn’t trying to be happy and fun, it just happened. This felt great! I am seeing a bit of the person that I used to be……I cant wait to meet her again!  I know this perfect feeling wont last during every day, and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it some of the time.

Things are starting to look up for me right now, and my husband is on board. He is telling me what vitamins to take and what foods to eat so I can correct the chemical imbalance that I have. He is supporting my decision, and so is my mother. We were both on a medication that made us feel not so great, and we both decided to stop taking it. I don’t advocate to anyone to stop their medication, I am just saying that I did it. Its the third time that I have tried and the first time that it was a success… far!

I hope it lasts. But I would think that after three days, most of it is out of my system. But I am no doctor…..*ugh*

I will keep up on the blog and letting you know how everything is going. I hope I see a weight loss….not only with my body, but on my shoulders as well!! And, I am hoping to start seeing the bright side of things more often now. Depression is an ugly beast and I hate battling with it everyday. I hope I wont have to fight so much now.

I will get my sleep, I will take the vitamins my hubs wants me to take, and I will feel better.

Oh….I will. try


22 Sep

Having this mental illness really really sucks. If you haven’t noticed already by the feelings that I share with you. Right now, nothing that I do makes any difference to how I feel. Nothing resolves the emotions that I am not supposed to have and nothing fixes the thoughts I am not supposed to think. I went shopping to get some clothes….this cheered me up even less…..note to any “plus size” suffering from depression and anxiety, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go clothing shopping to lift your spirits, whether you need them or not. I needed pants and bras……ugh…..never again! So, after that fiasco…..I went shopping for wine! Ha Ha Ha!!!wine

Right now, my “suffering” is at an all time high. I have no idea why. I need new medication, but my doctor is….well…. he is not a very good doctor for me, and I have been waiting on a referral to see a psychiatrist for about 3 months now. My medication is not working and I am in such a Debbie downer mode that I even feel terrible for everyone around me because I feel terrible! How does that work? I really want this resolved or at least under control before my children start to take on my characteristics. Not only am I depressed, but I am an empath as well. Not a very good mixture at all! Oh man….to be in my head……ugh!

Lately everything has been suffering because of my lack of… I don’t want to do housework. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I am ashamed all of the time, I hate being in certain rooms of my home lately. I want to spend all my time in my bedroom. I want to come home and go to bed. I am tired all the time. All the time. All the……*yawn*

I have lots of ideas of things I want to do, things I need to do….but I just can’t move….just can’t get into it. This is why I say, NO. I don’t want to….NO NO NO NO!!!!

What a shitty attitude! It’s like I am having a temper tantrum with myself. Like I have two faces, one is a spoiled brat who wants to be alone and not do anything, just be miserable in her own little world with her head under the covers, and the other one, the real me, who sees things that need to be done and wants to do them right away, loving everyone and visiting with everyone, doing art projects and making things all the time. Just loving life.

What a crappy inside battle to have to deal with everyday! It will get better, I have to fight and get better. I have had a good summer with my kids and autumn is my favourite season of all….I just hope I can enjoy it. Believe me when I say that I am not whining. I am informing, I am sharing and I am enlightening. This is a disease, this is something that effects someone in everyones life. I am not sharing this for sympathy, I believe that this blog gives me a higher purpose. I have to believe it.

For all my people. Thank you for reading, understanding, being enlightened, and seeing things for five minutes from one girl’s point of view.

Still Truckin’ Along

20 Jun

As you know, I have been having a rough go of it as of late. I want to try some different maiden trithings and see what best suits me to deal with this awful disorder. Obviously, I hate it, I hate what it does to me and in turn what it does to my friends and family. But, I am not ashamed. I am telling you right now, like I have told anyone else who reads my words that I put out there. If my words can reach even one person who either has this or something like it, or it reaches someone who has a loved one who suffers from it, I have done my job. Information is power.

My struggle is uniquely mine….my  demons are my own. I do not speak for all, but for some, it’s close.

I was on a pill and a half of Cipralex, which is a very common drug for anyone with anxiety to be on. It worked at first, then it went downhill from there. I started feeling nausea, I broke out in a terrible hive/rashy thing, and I started back with the things that clued me in to my anxiety in the first place, like holding my breath, clenching my jaw, and worrying all the time. Soooooo….. I decreased my dosage by half a pill, it’s been a month or so, and already my hive/rashy thing is almost gone! Yay! But, that’s only a smidge of the battle!

I still have to find a way to decrease my anxiety before it escalates. Depression sneaks in there, without my permission!!! Damn depression. It rears its ugly head some of the time. On those dark days, the best place to be is in my bed, covers, Netflix and my phone. Maybe a book if I want to fall asleep in five minutes! I have had a couple of days like those. And, I have made my husband stay in the same room as me. I don’t want to talk, I just want him there. It’s a security thing, or a trust thing, I don’t know what kind of “thing” it is, I just want him there. So, he does, and he reads or writes or studies. But he is there for me. That helps tremendously!

beehiveSo, anyways, I still have to lose this disgusting fat that has been acquiring on my bones since I started these dreaded pills. It’s a never ending circle of worry and anxiety! Pills for the anxiety I am feeling please! Thanks! I feel great! What’s this? 10, 20, 30 extra pounds? Oh shit, now I am really fat, now I need to buy clothes….I shouldn’t be buying myself clothes, my kids need more of anything at all, I shouldn’t spend money on myself! Oh no, now I have nothing to wear and I am a fatty, I look like shit, every body can see my weight gain, people will think I am a slob and lazy and that I don’t eat right, Oh God! I have to pick up the  kids from school and my kids are the one with the fat mom! Oh Man! I wonder if my husband is still attracted to me? Is my mom keeping in comments of my weight gain to be nice? My jaw hurts…why? Oh! I have been clenching it again! Oh no, I can’t take a deep breath! Ahhh!!! My kids, my kids, my kids.

This is my head on a normal day now.

Not fun in the slightest.

The real me, is way  different. I am really an easy going person…and when this stupid freaking disorder gets in the way, it’s very very annoying!

I am a very light hearted, fun, bratty, obnoxious, generous person. Really! I believe in hippyequality for ALL, I don’t like hatred towards anyone, it’s all peace and love, not war in my brain of brains! I don’t push my children to like “boy” toys, I am fine if my son wants to wear pink or purple or play with dolls. I will be fine if my kids like the same sex when they know who they are. Everyone should be true to who they really are. My husband calls me a new age hippie! Ha ha!

I like that side of me. That is a peaceful person to be. I want to be her all the time. Damnit, I really wish I could. But when that anxiety S.O.B. shows  up, it’s not so peaceful! It’s war in my head, war with myself at every moment. The anxiety wants me to panic and worry about everything. Some things deserve to be worried over, but not like this. It’s almost like that special part of you that has common sense to worry about something has gone whack-a-do and is now freaking over everything……unreasonable worry that is quite out of control.

For now though, I do what I have to. My brain is tired from all the running around it’s doing. My body wants to follow suit and be tired too, but  I try to fight that. I gotta keep truckin! Gotta keep goin. I  really don’t know what to try next though. Alcohol seems to do the trick….if I am having a couple of glasses….it’s after that, where it can turn a little sideways. These drugs should not be mixed with alcohol, it has adverse side effects, like memory loss and black outs. Not good. I can’t wait to see a doctor who knows all about this. Someone who knows that mental disorders are real and know how to treat them properly. Mental disorders are the second class citizens of the medical world.

On that note, I must tend to the cupcakes. Toodaloo!