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I suck….

18 Dec

So, lately I haven’t been feeling it. I have not been dealing with life very well at all. I am still suffering and this battle is never ending. I hate this. It’s like a damned rollercoaster in here! Good days and bad days, then a whole bunch of bad days….ugh. Lately I have been waking up in the morning with numb hands. I have carpal tunnel in both hands or wrists or whatever. This sucks large. And it is due to piping all of those cakes for the past ten years. Now, I am a cleaner and I need my hands. I can be mopping or sweeping and my  hands go numb. Then, when I step down and walk I have to walk gingerly because I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. This is very painful and prevents me from walking or doing things after a day of work. I just want to sit down because my foot hurts so bad. This means that I don’t want to go anywhere. I do. I want to go places, but I don’t want to walk around in pain and hobble around with a limp. I do not know if this is the reason that I am in a downer lately, but I am tired of this feeling.

I have no ambition to clean, do laundry or even do the baking for the week ahead. I want to cry and bury my head under the covers. I want to know why I feel this way. If I know the why, then I can work on how to get out of the funk. This time of year is my favourite, the kids get excited and I get ramped to see them so happy at Christmas, I love to give and I love to give things that I make. What is wrong with me? The Christmas spirit has not bitten me this year and I am failing. I am failing at everything it seems. I am not being the wife I should, I am pre-occupied  by my own pain to even listen, I am always off in my own head. I  want to be in the here and now, but something keeps blocking me from enjoying my everyday  life. There is so much joy to be had, I see it. I see my husband laughing and enjoying our children. I see him paying attention. I am there, I see it, but what is wrong with me? I am sitting there in the same room. I am doing something like crocheting and watching what I am doing in my own hands. I have a time limit to get these things done, yes, but why can’t I put the damned thing down for ten minutes and watch my son perform a silly little show where he is dancing and singing and being goofy? Why don’t I get up and go into the bathroom and supervise my youngest brush his teeth instead of waiting for him to come out and tell me that he brushed but he didn’t? It is the same every night and every night he has a fit about it. I could prevent that. But I sit in my chair like a cripple. Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like the victim all of the time.

I hate this fucking disease or disorder, or whatever the hell it is. It is taking me away from my family, it is taking me away from everything. The numbness in my hands goes away after a bit, and sometimes my foot is okay, but this mental shit is always there and it acts like a vaccuum. I cannot hear anything or anybody while it is in my head, and it sucks the sense of humour and joy right out of me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Don’t read that wrong, I want to live, I just want this shit gone.

I notice during my moments of clarity, that my children think that I will react to something a certain way, and when I don’t, they are surprised. Sometimes the trees block my view of the forest I guess. My oldest child just walked into my room to ask me something, I ended up hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him, which I do on a regular basis, but this time I told him that I was sorry for not being a good mommy sometimes. He looked at me, shocked, and ask me why I would say that. I told him that sometimes I feel like I am not the best mother, he in turn replied to me with tears in his eyes telling me that I am the best mommy, and if he could choose anyone in the world as a mommy, he would choose me. Wow, waterworks! I am bawling telling you this. Do you know why? Not only is my son the greatest human being in the world with the biggest heart, but I am also crying because I am not worthy of such unconditional love. I am not good enough for my children. They deserve so much better than me. I am a broken mom. I have all of these issues and I am scared that I am going to pass them on to them. I have some harsh reactions sometimes and I get scared that they will react like that too. I see other peoples lives on facebook, lots of pictures with their kids, lots of smiles and love love love, like they are always out and about doing loads of stuff with their kids without resting and taking a break. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they deal with stress and worry and all of the things that comes with life. Like, what do they have that I don’t? What is their secret? Why is everything so hard for me?

I can’t even stay with keeping on top of things. I slack. I mean, I made jars for my kids with chore in them on pieces of paper, I had them pick two per day, and that is their chore, well I was good at doing it for about 3 weeks, and now, in the last week I haven’t had them do it at all. I know, the holidays screw up all routines, but that feels like a loss of control for me. Like I didn’t care enough to keep it going. My intentions are good, but my follow through is really sucking right now. I am sucking right now. the game of life is getting the best of me. I need something to blame. I tend to just blame myself for everything, after all we all create our own destiny. Our life is in our hands. We get handed a bunch of obsticals, it is how we deal with each one that defines who we are.

My reason for this life is to help. I need to feel some sort of peace. I need always to help people. Right now, I have no idea how I am doing that. I clean. Who does that help, really? I know, it is something that needs to be done, yes, but there is nothing really meaningful about it. When I was baking, I was feeling like I was making people happy and bringing joy to their days. And through that, I could give the left over cupcakes to people who really couldn’t afford to eat. I gave them to The Inn of the Good Shephard. I also gave donations for fundraisers and supplied sweets for a cancer cruise every year. That, was good work, that was helping people. Now, I can’t even help myself. Gah, what the hell?

I guess my blog helps people, but it doesn’t reach far enough. I need it to reach more people to really make a difference. Maybe I need to go back to school to become something. To be someone again. Right now, I feel like a big pile of shit. Right now, I am not doing anything to help myself or anyone else. I am in a depression mode I suppose. Life is hard. Being in my own head is hard. I wish I could see inside someone elses head for a bit, see what it’s like to be “normal” if that is a thing. I am in such a bad head space, that this blog entry probably sounds erratic  and all over the place. I  don’t even know if I can join one thought to another. I need a shower, I need to take a walk, I need to get out of my head. I need therapy.

I suck.

‘Tis the Season??

29 Nov

Well, another wedding season has come and gone, and now we venture into new products! I have decided that in this business it is safest not to pigeon-hole yourself into doing just one thing. I have now expanded what we offer! Being a natural-born baker, I have decided to share with everyone all of the other yummy stuff I can make! We now make mini loaves, muffins, squares and brownies, and cookies!  We make fresh baked goodie baskets and goodie trays as well!

We have also accumulated some new staff! And with that, I have found our perfect little family! Samantha (Sam) is our new baker…..I love Sam! She is so cute and lovable, its hard not to just hug her everyday! And, she is qualified! Which is the most important! Also, I pride myself in teaching kids who take co-op at my establishment! I just hired one of my students who is from the ALC. She amazed me! She always does what is expected of her, and out of her own drive and ambition, she took the food handlers course and achieved her certificate! 18 years old at that!  I am hoping now that there will not be alot of turnaround in the staffing area for a while! I know, in this business its really hard to not get the revolving door happening, but enough already! I have my little dream team, and I want to keep it that way

As for Christmas at the little bakery! I love, love, love Christmas! I try to keep the joy going! I have a staff Christmas party every year at my home, with my family and my staff and their family! I give gifts and make dinner! It ends up being a lot of fun! And, some end up having a little too much liquid fun! But all are ensured to get home safely! I usually set up about 3 Christmas trees in my home…..which is alot, I know, especially for the little home that I do have! But, alas, there is no stopping me! ha! ha!

 

Sometimes Mr. Bah Humbug shows up in the form of anxiety and stress….which is usually over money! That is no fun at all! When I start thinking like this, I get really tired and grumpy, and nobody wants a grumpy cupcake lady! So, I look at my family and give thanks for having them in my life, and for helping me through everything just by saying “mommy”, or wanting a hug or a kiss, or depending on me to kiss their boo-boo! It makes it all worth it, it helps me be strong, even when I feel that I can’t anymore. And believe me, there are days!

Every year the business gets a little better, every year, I know more…its all a learning process!

This Christmas, I am out more, I am networking now, and involving myself in community functions! I joined a woman’s networking group, which is awesome, alot of the ladies are sooooo fabulous! And I did a christmas gift show last weekend. I will be at Sarnia’s winter artwalk as well! It will be fun! I hope to get the word out about my little piece of Sarnia small business!

Cheers! To good health, wonderful family, and great friends!