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The Road Travelled

19 Oct

I have been in a plateau lately with weight loss and I am needing to find a new routine for the colder weather. I have started yoga, as you know and I love it…..but my body needs something more than that. Bike rides to work once or twice a week and an everyday walk to pick up the kids at school.  I am needing more and with the weather change, it’s a little more difficult to get out of the comfy clothes and from under the cozy blanket to get my ass up and move! This is the time to motivate myself. This is the time to not get complacent and “decide” it’s okay to take a break….nooooo….Hell No. I didn’t come this far to just sit on my ass now. This is a daily thing. This self talk. I have created a new person from the inside out…Wait….I have found my true self and she is not someone who just sits on the sidelines and watches….she is in it!

So, in another way to motivate myself, I have decided to share my weight loss journey with you, not just with words,  but with pictures. It makes it more real when the photos are not just for me. This is a difficult thing to do, I know judgements happen when pictures come out, but it’s not really going to change my goal and my self love because someone judges me harshly. It would have crushed me a year ago, but now, I am real, alive and full of joy and love. Enjoy! The first picture is of me after I had lost 28 pounds. This was the first picture that was taken. The pictures will go in order from here.20170423_08501120170507_08461220170518_07071520170625_21033120170827_13064320171015_080753This last picture was taken maybe 3 days ago.

It has been a journey but it is not over yet. I have another 70 ish pounds to go. I started at 297 pounds in April and I hope to get to 150 pounds. I am not giving myself a time limit. I want to do this in a moderate and thoughtful healthy way. I am not in a race, I am looking for health, fitness and longevity.

I have started some courses now through the library and over the next year I will continue to do so. I am prepping myself for college and looking forward to another “chapter” or stepping stones to self realization, betterment and an overall benefit to myself and my family! There is no destination, my journey is my destination daily. My truth is right here, right now.

Everyone is someone great, even if they don’t know it! Finding your greatness is so amazing! I encourage everyone to do it!

Thanks for reading! Love you all❤

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re:Birth

23 Sep

I have been absent in my sharing with you. I have been present in my life day by day.  The broken woman who has shared her tortured soul with you is no longer here. Who stands in her place is the same woman, but she has an enlightened soul with pure light radiating around and within her.

I, Amanda (Amy) J. Bourgon, have been reBorn.

As you may already know, I was in a deep deep depression, anxiety was crushing me and my head was clouded with memories of the past and the pain I had felt. I was gaining more and more weight as time went by. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be happy and I was quick to blame those who did me wrong for my situation I was in at the time. I got to a whopping 296.5 pounds. I am 5’7″ tall. My 3X sized clothing was feeling tight and when I  had a difficult reaching around myself to do anything, I knew it was time to change. I knew that the way I was going about things was not helping at all. I didn’t really know what to do or where to turn.

I started my therapy back up at the Sexual Assault Survivors Centre. I was retelling my story and getting it off my chest to someone who would have a conversation with me and I was getting that instant feedback I was looking for. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. It was helping, but I needed something more. I needed a whole new outlook…….well……ask and thou shall receive.

I started reading a book. One sentence kind of slapped me in the face to spin me right where I stood. After the dizzying blow, I looked around and nothing was the same. I chose to open up and see through some new eyes, to think with new thoughts and act with new purpose. Things come when we are ready.

At first everything I was reading and thinking about and listening to was so foreign, yet so simple, I was shocked every day at what I was soaking in. I still have monumental moments like this, it is just easier to adjust now that I have seen “the light” so to speak. Everyone’s journey is different and not everyone will find their way the same way I did, so I don’t really want to push on to you what specifically worked for me. I just want to let you know that it can be done, and my experience may be here to inspire you or for you to know that it is possible.

So, with reading a chapter of a book, my life had now changed. I dove into other books like that one, soaking it in, finding new ideas and thoughts that are so simple they make so much sense, it is often over looked or people don’t believe it.  I believe. I am proof. I am still learning.

Right now, what I truly know and believe is that we are the earth. We need to be grounded and to remember that we are all made of the same things. We are all atoms and cells, everything in the world is made of the most basic elements. I know that nothing or nobody is better than anything or anyone else. I am no better than the ladybug eating the leaf, the wolf stalking prey, the man who has broken the law. We all have purpose, we are all energy and all of our energies are different. I choose to try hard to have and give out good energy. I choose to smile at everyone, I choose to stop my mind from judging others and just accept them for who they are. There is a very popular saying out there right now that says “everyone has a story”. It is true. Everyone does have a story, those stories are none of my business and it is not my business to judge others. I have to spend my energies on good purposes and to control my own thoughts, and guide my children likewise. The energy that I put out, I get back, and I don’t know about you, but I want good to come back to me and by judging others and thinking bad thoughts is not going to get me that.

The hardest thing I have had to do since my “vision clearing” is to control my thoughts. It might seem like it is an easy thing to do, but it takes time and practise and discipline. Everytime you think something negative, stop it. Try to look at it in a different way. Turn “disasters” into a lesson. Turn blaming someone else for how you feel off. Our perception of the world is the one thing that takes a “bad day” and turns them into glorious days. We can control this. We control our own universe as we know it. When I found this out, I decided that I would no longer have bad days. I would turn my life around because it was all in my hands in the first place! I had this power all along!

Done are the days when I put myself down. Gone are the days when I “let” someone make me upset. I am trying to discipline myself to remembering 100% of the time that I make my own reality. So, I am worth being happy. I am creating and accepting my own happiness. I  forgave everyone. I didn’t really have to though, because it was not for me to forgive. I accepted the individuals who inflicted pain, I accepted who they are and I stopped the judgement that I had laid upon them in the first place. Their actions never represented them as people, or ever will. We are not our actions. Forgiveness was not necessary, acceptance was, and to tell you the honest truth…..it was easy. I was done with living in the past and hanging on to bad feelings that weren’t my feelings in the first place. Those feelings were coming from the person who I no longer was. I wake up everyday as a new person. I can’t go back, I don’t worry about what has happened before today. Why? I can’t change it, and everyday I am different and I have grown since yesterday. With that in mind, I don’t really worry about the future anymore either. It is not today. I know that what I do today is what matters. What I say and think and do today is what matters. Living for today is the only way I found my true happiness.

I am not my home, my car, my clothes, my body even. I am pure energy. I am the light that I radiate. I am the goodness that embodies me. I am life, I am earth, I am you. I am the feeling of peace, calm, happiness, joy.

Even though I am not any of the things you can say are superficial, I decide that with such a pureness of being, I need to treat my physical body with respect. The physical body is a very intricate machine. It is full of electricity and chain reactions and cells and things that are super complex. Our bodies are the most amazing super computers that we will ever own and be allowed to function. Most of us do not know how to use it. I am trying to learn. In order to be “enlightened”, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It is holding and housing my other “body” my energy body. To be healthy is not just being fit and eating healthy, it is thinking healthy and your brain thinking the right thoughts and taking time to rest and clear thoughts as well.

I know, this is a 100% spin from where I used to be. I am more spiritual, which should not be confused with religious. I am not religious. I accept everyone as they are, I am guiding myself to no longer see race, age, sex, religion…..etc….it goes on and on. Everyone is me and I am everyone.

I may sound a little kooky to some…..but that dosen’t bother me.

I feel new feelings, I see through new eyes. I am at peace. I accept the love I recieve and I believe it when someone says nice things to me. I let others know my joy, but I don’t really need to….they see it in my face, they may also see my aura, which, I have been told is overwhelmingly light and has brought someone I know to tears of joy and overwhelmed her. Some people who have known me for years and years do not recognize me. My face is the same. My demeanor, my body, my thoughts and my energy is completely different.

You can do this to0, if you are depressed and/or anxious and overweight or just grumpy! Change can happen. You have to decide.

You control your life.

So far, I have lost 70.5 pounds, I have gained about 7 new friends (true friends), and good things are coming back to me. I am cashing in on all of the good energy which has made a full circle! What we put out, we get back! I am healthier, happier, I have better relationships, my kids are happier and healthier, my marriage is fantastic(it has never been otherwise), and I believe that I can DO…..fill in the blank. Anything.

Today is a wonderful day. From now on, everyday is a fantastic day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wake Up!

12 Jan
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Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Keepin’ It Real

1 Jan

Last night was okay. I stayed at home with the kiddos and the hubby. It was actually pretty damned hard to stay awake! Yes, my life is full of excitement and wonder! Ha Ha!! The kids played some video games, we played a board game and watched some television! The kids were able to drink some orange pop, which is pretty exciting since they hardly ever get to drink soda, ever.

Today is a pretty slow paced day. I got up enough ambition to do the dishes and I might do a load of laundry later, but that is the extent of my physical exertion today. I see on the web, of people who are raring to go and do some things with their kids and leave the house…..well…..that takes getting dressed and a maximum level of effort! I might feel like a downer or a stinky bad mom, but my kids get to clean their room today! And, when they get sent to clean their room, they clean for 5 minutes and spend the next 2 hours playing peacefully together (on a good day). And, it seems like today is a good day! Lucky me!when-you-need-a-wee-but-got-wet-nails-4b98d I painted my nails and got them to dry without any smudges or wrinkles or any big mistakes because I chose to lay down and have a cat nap! Ha Ha! My nails are perfect!  Usually I cant take the ten minutes it takes for the polish to dry because I have to be screwing around with things all the time. My hands are constantly busy. No wonder I have carpal tunnel! I colour, crochet, knit, write, paint…..whatever I can to keep my hands busy at night when Im chillin’ watching tv.

I don’t know about you, but it is hard to just sit still. Lately I have been trying to stay off my feet because I have a really painful thing called plantar fasciitis, and it feels like there is a spike inside my heel when I walk. So, I tend to sit as much as possible, or stand in one spot on one foot when I do things like the dishes! I sound like so much fun don’t I?? Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband the other day about conflict, and my lack of tolerance for it. I have some idea, but on the other hand I have no clue why it bothers me so much. I have a very quiet life. I love it like that. I know that I can have my relaxing down time when I come home. If I feel terrible, I just have to tell my hubby and kids, and usually they are pretty thoughtful of me at these times. I know that they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and that things will change rapidly when it happens, but for now, I will revel in what I have.

loveMy conflicts lately have been in my head. I am fighting with myself constantly about whether my “friends” and family actually like me or love me. I think about how we never have any company come to visit. Or how nobody calls just to see how I am doing. I seriously have two people who keep in contact with me on a regular basis. They are the closest people to me, whom I see way less than I should. I know these two people love me and are there for me, as I am for them. Both of these people are in my family and love me unconditionally, like family should. I feel the same for them. But as for people around me, I have nobody but my husband. I have friends who know me, whom I can share things with, but none of them come to see me to see how I am doing. None of them just drop me a text to say hey hows it going. It hurts me. When they need a favour, I am a go-to person. And I know people have busy lives, I know everyone has their issues to deal with, but I hate always being the bottom rung. The first one they go to, or need to get up higher, and once they hit their height, the first rung they needed is forgotten. I know alot of these feelings could be my disorder, could be me being too sensitive, but to me, these feelings are real and painful. I usually keep these feelings inside without sharing them because my family tends to call them “poor me moments” or a “pity party”. This is just an insensitive way of realizing someone actually has anxiety and/or depression. My whole family is riddled with it, and the majority of my aunts and uncles have had these moments or little parties. I personally hate the terms they use, it’s offensive, but who can call them out on it? No one has and no one will. I will bitch about it, but I don’t really want to cause a war in the family. Too many of those have happened in the last year because of me being honest already! Ha Ha!

Wow, it has been a real shit show! It might actually be better that I have lost contact with some of them. I mean, it really is hard to keep track of everyone nowadays anyhow….I did the math not too long ago, and just with my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids, there is about 79 of us all together. At one point I could remember my aunt, uncles and cousins birthdays. Not anymore! Ha Ha!

Anyways, what I was trying to get at in the first place, is that seeing what everyone else is doing in their life on a regular basis can be bad for your brain! I see all sorts of love and excitement and cheers and hugs and accomplishments on a certain social media site, and it is starting to cause me heart ache, because I am not that mother, or father, or aunt. I don’t take my kids on all sorts of outings and events. I don’t belong to any groups or I don’t have a 100% spotless house at all times….who am I kidding….at any time! Ha Ha! I love my kids, but I don’t do sports. I personally cannot afford sports for them either. I have them in swimming lessons and they will be going back to piano lessons when we are financially sound enough…..but seriously…..if your life is not all pudding cups and lollipops, stop portraying it like that! We all have bad days. We have all yelled a time or two or more at our children. We are not always smiles, or appreciative of the things we have, or positive. It is okay world. It is okay to have a bad freaking time of things. If you do, I encourage you to share.share Share…..when you do, you give others the opportunity to help and be there for you. You give others the chance to see that their lives aren’t so different. You can make it okay for others. If you struggle, don’t do it on your own. If you read this posting of mine on facebook, you can see in the comments how what I say can sometimes help others. My aunt, sweet, dear Aunt Sue, always comments on my postings, she knows how things feel, and she lets me know that she is there, listening and reading every word I throw out, there is support.

I want to keep things as real as possible, and as I sit here typing my entry for the day, I am at my desk in my bedroom with jogging pants, fuzzy socks and a nightgown on. I have perfect nails! But my room is a mess…..I hate putting clothes away….despise it…and I am seeing it out of the corner of my eye. I know I have to do it….but I don’t want to. I have had to yell at my kids a couple of times, they have been hounding me to play their game system for the last 20 minutes. I say no, they have a tantrum. But, alas, my words are still being written!

Keep it real people. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it can drain you….but you do it, you fight for it, you love people, loving people means opening yourself up and sometimes getting hurt, but we do it all again, and again, and again!

Reality and honesty is my truth, it is my everyday. It is my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!

What’s In There?

19 Oct

I am going to give you a look at what happens to a person (me) when they become fat. I wasn’t born this way. I was a mere 7 lbs when I was born. I was a cute blonde haired thin little girl. I only started on my weight gain journey after I had been molested. I think at 5 years old I started getting bigger. I can see it in the photos of myself when I was younger.

Alot of things have happened to me that I haven’t even scraped the surface in telling you. My biological father died 9 days before my first birthday, the pain that my mother feels over this keeps her from divulging any information about him in the first 20 years of my life.I  do not know his family.They don’t even know I exist.To this day, I have not seen his grave. Things happen in your mind when you feel incomplete, everyone who has been adopted can relate to this I think. Then I was molested between the ages of 3-5. My mother was in an accident which, at 5 years old I didn’t understand, except that she was hurt and my grandparents had to come and live with me for a while to take care of me. This caused some abandonment issues for me and within the first two weeks of her being gone, I had already peed my pants at school. This, is something that I do not blame her for. Ever. It is just something that happened in life, that had a ripple effect. During this whole time and it lasted about 10 years that I know of, I watched on as my cousin beat his sisters. He punched them in the face and gave them bloody lips and noses and black eyes. Their father and mother were abusive to each other as well. I remember going with my mother to pick up my cousins because my uncle was drunk and beating on my cousin because he thought she was her mother. There was alcoholism in this family too….not cool. I see my son get upset at seeing anyone being hurt or hearing his dad yell at something and he is in tears. Man, I can’t begin to think about the tough skin that I had to have already to witness all of this abuse.  About one year later, my grandmother, who I had grown very close to, had a heart attack. Everyone in my family was effected by this, not just me. I was very young though, and had gone through ALOT already. But wait, more is to come. So, after grandma’s heart attack or around the same time, my mom got a boyfriend who was a bit mean to me. I remember him hurting my face really bad, I hadnt washed it good enough and he took me into the washroom and wiped my face raw. It hurt and I was all red after that. Well, their relationship didnt last, and after he left, he saw me walking home from school and tried to get me to go with him, telling me that my mom told him to pick me up. I ran of course and didn’t go with him. I didn’t tell anyone ever about anything that happened or anything that I felt. Ever. It’s been locked up tight since this year. After that, when I was 8-9 I was in a very bad car accident which could have taken my life if the doctors hadn’t found my internal injuries. I was in the car with my two cousins and two friends. I can still produce the image of my cousin with her face in the dashboard and my  other cousin laying on top of her with her face in the windshield. It was not a good thing to see at the age of 9. I have not returned to the site of the accident since. Because of that, I had to learn how to clean my own wound by putting a tube into two holes in my stomach and pumping water into it and then putting a bandage back on. I cannot imagine my son having to do that. Torture. After that, my grandfather had a stroke and they had to move to town, my mother and I took on the taking care of my grandparents. When I was 10, I had to spend some nights at my babysitters again, and in that time, my molester started to visit me again at night. He came to me three times to prey on me. I told nobody. I said nothing, I pushed the feelings down and away. I was teased in high school for being fat. One nasty person would yell down the hallway at me and ask me “How much do you weigh this week Amy? 600 pounds?” and the bunch of people he was with would laugh and laugh at me. I felt nothing but hatred for him and I wanted to cry, but I kept walking past him like he said nothing. Another thing to push down and not feel. The teasing started with another person when I was as little as kindergarten. A boy would make fun of me and call me Miss Piggy every single day. School was torture. But I loved learning. After this, I had such a bad self esteem, I was worthless. I was defeated and beaten down. When I was 17 I got my first boyfriend. Which I lost everything to. I didn’t realize that he was a horrible person. I was getting attention and that is all that mattered. This person, raped me. My first time having sex, he raped me. I told him to stop, and he told me that I liked it. I didn’t know at the time I was raped. I do now. Sad. After that I lost about 125 pounds and gained some confidence. But not enough. This was the path for me, trusting everyone and getting beaten down every time. A whole list of men who mistreated me and abused me and never truly loved me like they say they did. Everything changed when I met Gord. But that is another story.

So, that is my story. Not in depth, there is alot of pain and alot of sorrow and sadness in my story, but this is where it changes. It’s like a switch went off in my head. I have spent the last 39 years being a victim, as someone who was full of shame and blame and self loathing. The next half of my life, I will be a survivor. I will be proud of all I have endured and overcome. I will no longer feel the sorrow and shame of that little girl, that teenager, that young adult. I will feel the pride of the woman that I am, that I have become and the woman who I have fought to see, and to be. I am finished with feeding my emotions. Now….I AM IN CHARGE!!! I am going to use my emotions to fuel my strength. I can see the future me, she is strong, full of life, healthy, happy and I can’t wait to meet her!