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Physical Manifestation

21 Mar

As you know and keep on being reminded….I’m crazier than a mad hatter! My anxiety pretty much rules my everyday life and I try to battle with it and accept it and deal with it accordingly as I see fit. I try all sorts of different things to deal with it and make every day living easier to bear. Today, I cannot deal. Today, I am not coping and the anxiety is making itself known in more of a physical way.

I woke up feeling that something was not right, that I did something wrong or that something was wrong in general, and when things don’t feel right I automatically believe that I am in the wrong. I am to blame for all the wrong things that happen to anyone I am associated with. This is only one of the battles, but today it was a war.

I have been at war with myself all day long. Having an internal conversation with myself about what I have done wrong and how I can fix it and if anyone is mad at me for anything and how I can fix that, and why they are mad. I have a hard time being misunderstood and just “dealing” with it when someone does not want to open themselves to a heart to heart conversation with me about something when I feel the need to do it. I agonize and torture myself if someone will not see the other side of a situation. I find it hard to accept an injustice. I am giving myself an attack just thinking about it. My mind is racing. I feel hot in the face and then comes the stomach ache. I feel nauseus, I want to throw up. I want to bury my head as far down as I can. I want a hug, I need to cry. You know, having to cope with all of these feelings is very hard and I just can’t do it somedays. Most of the time I want a person around me, or to talk just to be listened to, but today…… I need to feel the pain alone. I know I am writing this so all can read, and that is fine, you are not in my house, you are not begging me to pay attention to you and to ask me that ever pressing question of where a certain container or dish goes. The every day things aren’t working for me today. I try to get myself out of my own head and switch things up a little bit. I went for a walk with my family, I went for a coffee, went to see my sister in law and drove through the park…..to no avail. I started feeling worse. Oh, how I want to vomit.

There is a sick feeling, have you ever said something or done something pretty nasty or terrible that you immediately regretted and felt terrible for? That feeling, that gut wrenching, I am a bad person feeling is the feeling that follows me everywhere.

I want to leave this brain sometimes and step into a new one. Go inside a brain that has no whiplash reaction to something that isn’t even there. The residue of past abuse. I want all of that scraped clean. Like if I could physically go in there and take a magic eraser to all the worst things that were done to me, I might be okay. I might be able to face everyday life without the haunting feeling of something being wrong looming over me. Like a giant black cloud that follows me. It hangs out inside my head and when days are really bad, it comes out and hangs out above me all day, just threatening the storm, just waiting for me to break so it can become a full blown tornado that can sweep me away into the black abyss.

This day is bad. I have done alot of things today to keep my mind busy and off of what I feel, off of the not so real, and it hasn’t had any effect. I am still a pile of poo. I want to cry until I don’t feel sick anymore. I want to be numbed. I feel the need for medication to put me to sleep so I don’t have to be in this day anymore.

It’s very vague as to why I feel this way, and I really couldn’t tell you, I just do.

When this feeling hits, it attacks me every way it possibly can. It takes on the physical manifestation like the sick feeling and the headaches and  the blushing, the heat flashes…..it also fucks with my head….which is the source of the problem, and then I notice that I have the shakes and I can’t concentrate very well. I am amazed that I can write this much. I can hear my husband doing the dishes and my youngest son reading him a story, the dogs nails clicking on the floor and cars driving by. This is all distracting. These noises make it hard for me to concentrate on anything and I can’t wait to have a shower and go to bed. I know I can’t. I cannot go to bed before my children. I need to stay up and pretend to be more normal than I am. I tell them of my anxiety….but they do not know the depth it has travelled into my everything, nor will I let them know. They are too young for that. My oldest would worry more than he does now.

There is alot to worry about, things like money…..ugh…..money money money…..debt debt debt. Wow….that has overtaken anything good and pure in my life! I don’t know how anyone does it! The hydro bill has me in such a tizzy that I feel like every day is the day we will come home to no lights. We don’t owe them $700 or anything, but it’s bad enough. Makes me feel so irresponsible, like I am not grown up enough to even have children. Like they are smarter than I will ever be!

But, I am getting away from the point.

And, what is my point? My anxiety is making me sick. They say stress is the main cause of so many ailments…. ugh….I cringe to think of everything that might be or could be wrong with me that I have caused myself just because I worry and stress so much. Let’s not go down that road today…there is enough that is wrong right now….or not wrong….I don’t quite know. Coming? Going? No clue!

I just know I am not right today. Today has been a terrible day. Today has to be over soon. Tomorrow is another day….hopefully not like this one at all.

I try to think of affirmations, but when you are so far down the hole, it’s hard to see the daylight. The dark is all I can see….the uncomfortable dampness is all I feel, along with the ever pressing feeling on my guts. You get so used to being in the dark hole, the light can sometimes be scary. There are people out there.

I hope tomorrow is brighter. I hope I can be stronger.

I need to cry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Out ‘n’ About

27 Feb

As most people, I enjoy a nice sunny day. To breathe in fresh air and hear the birds. In my city, there is nothing better than a stroll through the park. Also, there is window shopping and the library and the plethora of beautiful views of the water, the beach, etc.

With that being said….I am becoming a hermit. I have no idea when this started….I know why and how, I just don’t know when. I started to notice it with my children’s activities. They are both in a club and I have been avoiding (sub consciously) attending functions of any kind. That is not fair to my kids. I notice more often now, I want to go to work and go home. I have no urge to go anywhere else. I don’t want to be in public. More and more I feel insecurity, shame and guilt. My anxiety is getting worse. I want to cry…this is not fair. I know….life isn’t fair and there are others in much worse states than mine, but this is my story. I feel a constant pull in the back of my head, telling me I am not good enough, get out of any situation where I can be judged. Which, it turns out is everything and everywhere.

I have a job which I love. I clean different “contracts” and I stay with the same 3 all of the time. One is 5 days a week and the other two are once a week. It ends jp that I work anywhere.from 17 to 23 hours per week. I know I need to earn more money, but I cannot see myself going to another contract. I am familiar with the places I work and the people that are there. If I think about picking up another one, I could be thinking of it and foretelling different situations I could be in or be uncomfortable with and I end up scaring myself so much that I just concede to the fact that I cannot pick up any more contracts in different locations. The anxiety feels like it’s morphing into some sort of mania. Something that is worse than GAD.

I know it is good for me to get out. To go do different things and be around people so I can get used to being a functioning member of society again. Once I start getting out, I might be less apt to want to hibernate. I know I need to do it for myself, for my kids and for my husband. How I live and how I see the world will directly effect my children. I have to work hard, and it will be very difficult for me….but I have to do it.

I am in my head too much. Time to live again….but baby steps. Ha ha!!

The Spark

20 Feb

Here I am, almost 40 and at a stage in life where I have no clue which end is my head from which way is my ass. My daily worries range from how the hell I’m going to get this weight off, to wondering if my parenting is good enough to not make my kids neurotic in one former or the other.  The daily thoughts that go through my head in a day are utterly ridiculous and cause me inner turmoil and stress and sometimes even hives and sweating. This is not fun in the least, but then something pushes me farther into a state of something which turns into panic, it wakes me out of a sound sleep and distracts me from my immediate surroundings and compounded with the other anxieties of everyday life, I can no longer handle this. I get red in the face and sick to my stomach….this one thing is the spark that sets the fire, threatening to burn everything in its wake. I don’t know how to put it out. I am paralyzed by fear. I know that my inaction can cause even more ruination, but I still can’t move. Thinking, reasoning, common sense goes out the window.

It’s like going on a stroll on a semi cold and drizzly day without an umbrella, which isn’t the best of circumstances,but hey, you are alive and it could always.be worse! But then, you see a car crash into a house and the house starts on fire. You know there are people in there and you can try to help and you try to move, only to look down and see that you are now strapped down to a chair, with now way to move. Now, you see, you are not only sitting in the drizzly and cold weather,feeling only wetter and colder by the second, but you have witnesses something terrible. You are forced to watch, stuck.

These are my anxieties and worries. The crash and fire, this is the one thing that throws me over the edge, into abyss. Lost in a world of fright. The more.I think of it, the more panicked I get. I wish it would end. I wish there were a cure. I wish I could think reasonably when anxiety hits. I hate the crash, I hate the spark, the burning, the flames that I am helpless to put out. I want to scream for help, but I know that nobody can help with this particular situation. I find myself behind the wheel of the car. Now, I realize that I am the one who crashed. I am the one who caused the fire. I crashed and burned.

It’s all very depressing. None of it was in the least bit enjoyable, I know. It’s my brain.

I have to think of something else, no…..that is what got me in the situation in the first place.  Inaction. I dread the feeling, knowing that I could make it better but I am scared. I am frightened that I won’t find what I need, it won’t be good enough. That I will spend a lot of time doing something I loathe. I suppose we all have to do that at some point. I need a slap.

I know you have no idea what I am so anxious and stressed about, and right now, I think it’s better that way. I know you would roll your eyes at me. First you would say ” oh man..” then, ” you better get on it!” with a following of ” just get it done and save yourself the stress”. See? I know how you feel! Ha ha! I know how a normal person would think, but I cannot think like that immediately. I have to go through this giant process in order to get to the place where I know what I have to do and just do it. It’s the long, hard, painful way around….but it’s the only way I can get from point A to point B at the moment.

I wonder if I could get some free therapy? I ask myself sometimes, Am I actually a fully functioning human being? This is not “normal”. It can’t be.  I woke up at 4am. I knew I had to talk myself out of the panic. Thanks for being there for me. For giving me purpose, and helping me along. If I feel like I am being understood, it’s easier to get along.

Free therapy? Ha ha ha!!!!

 

 

 

No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!