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What Now?

6 Jun

fed upIt’s been a rough go lately. I mean, real rough.

I was going to therapy, and apparently I have more issues than just the sexual assault that has had a big effect on me and has made a giant mark on the anxiety issue that I have. Anxiety and depression is an evil that has been spread throughout my family tree, and I do not want it to go any further. Good luck huh?

Well, I have been on some anti-depressants for a while now and they were working for a while. The doc had to increase my dose and then I started feeling the old feelings again. Then, I developed a rash that has invaded my legs and arms. Not only did the medication make me gain weight which I can’t seem to shake, it has made me even more depressed with the rash and weight issue. meds

So, where do I go from here? 20-30 pounds heavier, agitated, rashy, hot and uncomfortable….. what else? Apparently alcohol therapy hasn’t been working either! Ha Ha!!!

So, I went to the doctor, who….really, could care less! I have a rash, he asks if I have fleas and scabies! Really? I look those up….the rash looks nothing like scabies and I know its not fleas. He wants to send me to a dermatologist, which he says, will take me anywhere from one and half to two years to get into….yeah….thanks. So, I ask him if there is some sort of cream I can get to clear it up….cream? you want the cream? Okay! He says and writes me a prescription. Seriously????? What the @#% is that? Am I just a cheque for him? He asks no questions and acts so non chalant about it all, I want to scream.

So, now, through encouragement of my very close friend and ally in anxiety; Nicole, I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. Enough of this bullshit. I really need to talk to someone who knows the mental health field and can discern what is wrong and properly diagnose me. No more guessing.

I am a little relieved to have that coming, to know I will be able to talk to someone, and get proper medication for me, and not have allergic reactions.I still have to deal with this very annoying day to day stuff.

I look at pictures of my children that are sitting on my desk and I think that they deserve perfect
so much better. I feel bad that I have to go through this with them here to witness. I wonder what kind of effect it will have on them in the future. Are they going to be more understanding? Are they going to develop the same thing? Can I prevent it?

I love them, I tell them everyday. I hug them and play with them and laugh with them, I am doing the best job that I can, but I still feel like they deserve better. Maybe that is just being a mother. It is very hard to distinguish a normal feeling to a paranoid and anxious feeling when you have GAD. Not until you talk to others, can you really desipher whether you are having a “normal” reaction or not.

I might just have to wean myself off of these drugs and wait until I see the psychiatrist to get new medications. Until then, I will be back where I started. I don’t know if that will help, but anything is better than the way I feel now. It’s like the meds have only created weight gain and rashes and the good normal feeling that I once had when I first started taking them is gone.

What to do? What Next? now what

Allergies Mix with Nothing!

16 Jul

So, over the last 3-4 weeks I have been very ill, with what I thought was seasonal allergies! Watery red eyes, runny nose, congestion and just overall feeling like a steaming pile of you know what. I went to a Holistic Nutritionist yesterday for allergy testing. This was very cool! I remember getting an allergy test when I was a kid. A whole bunch of little needles in my back injecting me with all kinds of things that could be potentially harmful to my body. At the end, my back looked like I had been attacked by mosquitoes. It was a terrible experience. I know, I know, some of you are thinking,”suck it up already”, but if you knew all the pokes and prods I had received already by that point, being a 9 year old child, this was just another experience that I had to choked down my tears.

Anyways, I went to Meagan Esser, she practices out of the Bluewater Nutrition & Health in Sarnia. She was so easy to talk to and I felt comfortable immediately. I also felt more at ease knowing that I would not be poked or be prescribed any medication. The testing for allergies is amazing. It’s pretty great how our bodies are so knowledgeable! If we would just listen! My body has been telling me something for the last little while, and I had not been listening… usually it takes an outside source to tell you something that you already knew to get your butt in gear!

Apparently, I am allergic to caffeine AND coffee! UGH!! It makes sense, but I felt like screaming “NOOOOO!!!”, busy wedding season, getting up at 5 am to bake 240 cupcakes every morning and spending at least 12 hours at work every day is NOT conducive to being allergic to caffeine! By the time I get home, I have a 5 and 7 year old who just want me to entertain them until they go to bed! Lets go mom, lets go, what can we do? I’m bored, can we go somewhere, can we do something? AH! I coffee would be great! MMMMmmmm, it smells so good! And it is fantastic with chocolate almond milk! Mmm. 

Enough! I will survive, I will drink decaf tea. I will not drink any soda (which I don’t anyhow). I will have to rest more, calm down and keep the stress level low (hahahaha) and eat properly. I haven’t been taking care of myself. Just like a mother and business owner, I come last. I can have that no more. I have to eat breakfast, or take the time at night to make a juice, I have to take my vitamins. I have been doing this for the last 3 days and I have been feeling better! My eyes are not yucky any more, my nose is not drippy and my cough is almost all gone. I did get light headed last night, but I think that is the toxins still having to come out.

I can concentrate better now, and I have more energy. Meagan did tell me that I have to make sure that I get enough vitamins that actually absorb into my body. Tablets don’t let the body absorb enough, but capsules do, that’s an easy switch! Done! But now, my husband is making an example of me in front of my kids. They better eat their dinner or they will end up getting sick like mommy…..great! That feels so great! Ugh! But, he did make me a lunch for work this morning. That was sweet!

So, from now on, I will take care of myself and eat all meals, eating lots of fruit and veggies, legumes, oats, etc. Whatever it takes! Except for swiss chard… hubby tried that at dinner last night, and it did not fly, that stuff is horrid! Neither I or the kids could eat it! And, it made me feel like a little kid because my husband is eagle eyes on me now with what I eat. Just eat it, he says…. I tried and couldn’t do it! Yep, there I was with a pile of it on my plate just like the kids! I was going to send myself to the corner! ha ha!

I highly recommend going to a holistic nutritionist, This was my first time and it will not be my last! I am trying to get away from seeing M.D.’s for everyday things that I get concerned with because I know better. I know that food can heal all. Food, and exercise and vitamins, can make mostly all well. If I get into an accident and need to be put back together, send me to a hospital! Alot more people are going this route now I noticed. It is everywhere now. Good. Now, just to get all the nay sayers either on board, or at least stop putting everyone else’s choices down!

In a perfect world