Archive | April, 2017

I Choose Now

26 Apr

The blogs you have read previously have had a very depressed, anxious and just all around dreary tone. The subject matter was something I couldn’t run from and I let everyone in on how I was feeling, how it feels to go through specific traumas and to let others know that they are not alone.

You still aren’t alone….but there is a better way.

I am now sharing my path the happiness and real joy, calm and love for myself. It’s not the way for everyone…I just want to share my experience in hopes that it will help even one person.

During the last two years, I have not made life easy for myself.

Looking back, I can see now that I have been living in the past. The traumas I had gone through when I was younger had started hanging around me like a black cloud of smoke. It stayed there, hanging around me, making me constantly aware of its presence and pressing me to always remember. As time went on, the cloud increased in size and density. This started clouding my vision. I could scarcely see and distinguish between reality and thought. My loved ones became more distant from me, I knew they were there, but I couldn’t touch them or laugh with them and listen to them. At that point the cloud started in on me, I was breathing it in and it permeated every vessel in my body and mind. I was drowning, the smoke had changed form into a black tar-like substance weighing me down and keeping me where I was. Cold, dark, lonely and now, fully depressed. The coldest cold. I saw no sunlight, I felt no warmth. I knew I needed saving. This was the darkest days I have ever seen. People started getting scared. My weight ballooned and I had then become bigger than I had ever been in my lifetime.

A friend took me to CMHA to get me some help. I enrolled in therapy at SASC and I could start seeing some help about to happen.

Then, my husband happened to bring home a book. I read the first 3 or 4 pages and in that instant, my life changed forever. With every word, sentence, paragraph and chapter that I read I was seeing the light.  I was seeing that I could shed myself of all of the black tar of painful memories and lead a better life. I can do this! I am not a victim. I am human. I am a pure source of energy, electricity and love.

I will heal. I can heal and I do not need anything or anyone to get me there except for myself. I am responsible for what happens and how I feel about things front here on out. There will be no more labels of depression or anxiety, stress, post traumatic stress disorder, down in the dumps or even a bad day. I created all of this, and I will make it disappear. I am a radiant light.

My eyes have been opened. And when I let myself really understand, I mean, to the depth of my soul understand, this is when I took off that black mass of a suit  which was all of my pain. I took it off, pulled it from my insides and let it out of my lungs. When I let out that breath, to push it from my lungs, a fantastical thing happened. It was no longer a black smoke, it came out as beauty, as love, forgiveness, and light. I learned right then, that I have the power to turn a negative into a positive. Not even that, i have the power to see things, everything as a positive, I can choose to not make judgements, I choose to live for right now. I no longer live back there. I no longer hang on to it. Everyone has suffered in some way. Everyone.  To be human is to suffer.  And the root of this suffering is attachment, and I let that stuff go. I dug from the inside out, I scraped out every bit of negativity I had harboured in my soul and I let it all go.  It came out and I have not seen it since. I am happy.

I love who I am. I am grateful for the love I recieve.

I have decided to live. I live right now. In this instant, in this moment. I am not living 30 years ago. I am not living 20 years in the future. I am right here, right now, and every moment counts. I decide to look myself in the eyes. I can do that now. The shame has gone.  The hatred has evaporated. Today is beautiful and I can smile.