There’s A Plan

23 Mar

My world has been like a giant ship in the middle of a huge storm as of late. I have been hanging on for dear life, looking for any kind of direction, anything I can do to save myself, even looking for land to no avail. I have been going through moments of being in the eye of the storm where it is calm but I know a rush of destruction  is about to show itself to me, to being whipped around like a rag doll feeling no better than before and feeling like there is no end in sight. Still…my grip is firm.

Now that there is a lull between storms, I have only my thoughts. With these, I do not know what to do….from not knowing how to make the right decisions for fear they will be the wrong ones, to not knowing how to communicate after going through such a terrible thing alone. Something feels wrong. I feel wrong. I feel out of place, still, stagnant. I am striving to find something to do and everything I think of, I shouldn’t do at this moment or I can’t.

Reality has now eluded me. I have just woken from a dream state and I am not quite sure which is still dream and which is reality.

I hate this feeling.  High highs…low lows. And a mix of the shit storm in between. I have been shipwrecked and now I am wandering on a deserted island alone, knowing nothing, there is no one here, it’s a wasteland.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 days straight.  I have told my story to yet another professional who may or may not be able to help me. I have been let down before. I have an appointment to see someone on Tuesday, I am looking forward to this. For the time being I will have to keep trucking along like I am completely fine on the inside and out. I am not a complete human any longer. I feel like I look like a piece of Swiss cheese. I have been emotionally battered and poked, and then the physical aspect of it, like pieces of who I really am are missing.  These pieces make me whole and now they are gone. Those rotten bastards who have done me wrong have taken these pieces. I want them back. I want to be a full person again. I have searched for these pieces….with no success.  I am hoping these professionals can help me look for them. I hope I can just be whole again.  That is what I want.

A whole person on calm seas, with my loved ones and not a worry in sight. That outcome is so far away, maybe even unreachable….but I have to try. This time, I hope everything will be different. I am not alone. I will accept help this time. I want to let my mother know, but I fear it. She is so strong, she is my hero. How do you tell your hero you are broken? You don’t. Period.

I now have a horizon to look forward to. I have a plan. I have people pushing at the right doors for me. Fruition of the dream might come to pass.

Wish me luck, I hope you stay with me on my journey.

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One Response to “There’s A Plan”

  1. Sara March 23, 2017 at 7:05 pm #

    Like

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