Making the Den

6 Mar

Everyone has a job. Whether they leave their home to work or not makes no difference. When we want to let our hair down and put our feet up, we want it to be in an environment where we can totally relax and not have that tense feeling that we all seem to carry around. Even though I love my job, I work around some fabulous people and my boss and employers are fantastic, I do have stress. My stress is anxiety driven, but it is still stress non the less. I am a little slow on the uptake as they say, and I have finally realized that I have to make my house and home a stress free environment.

During my heights of anxiety, it brings on depression and with that, there is no way that I can even handle trying to tackle putting my clothes away, let alone doing the laundry. During this fragile mental state, everything goes by the wayside. One little push can drive me to fall on the floor in tears or scream and cry and want to punch something. These are inside feelings which can’t be outwardly detected by the way. I have gone through this terrible time for months at a time, I have carried the burden of my unbalanced chemicals and when I hit a wall, everything falls apart. Firstly, my home and housework. Mental fragility and mental health issues can create physical manifestations, O.C.D, makes me frantic when I am out of the grasp of the demon called depression, and in the cage with the so called demon, I become a slug, his weight bearing on me so much that I cannot bear to lift my head.

Right now, I am somewhere in between. I am always anxious, but I am not at a roaring O.C.D point when I have to vacuum everyday, but in the same breath, I need all of the canned food labels facing the same direction and the cereal has to be lined up by size. I am not surrounded by the depression cloud either. I am at a medium, lets say neutral state of crazy! This is when I realize that in order to stay here in a more pleasant headspace, I have to keep my environment comfortable to keep demons at bay. I acquired a himalayan salt lamp in a most pleasant way 😉 and I also started to light incense every day. I try very hard to keep my living room tidy, which is hard when the kids bring all of their belongings there and just dump stuff everywhere, but I strive to keep an orderly home now. I have everyone pitching in. We have rules that we all tidy up after every meal, that dishes get washed, dried and put away after every meal because I have noticed that when my home is cluttered and awry, so is my head. Clean home, cleanish head.

I put up a bookshelf in my living room and put in an area rug and took out the giant coffee table that I had wanted out for about a year. This, has changed me. I am mama bear, making my den cozy and comfortable and it feels like safe. When I need to relax, this is the room to do it in. Although my bedroom is an oasis as well, maybe I am just starting fresh and adjusting each room as needed for my well being. You may think that I am full of crap, that it shouldn’t matter what is around you, it is all in how you percieve things, you may think that my mind is telling me things which is not true……. to you I say…..welcome to the world of mental health issues. If I was “normal” I wouldn’t have all sorts of unproductive thoughts, I could go for a walk with my children without trying to talk myself out of going right back home because they are the safest there, or have a panic attack driving because I don’t know which road to turn down to avoid a potential collision. There is all sorts of ridiculous thoughts that attack me at all times, every day. If I can relax and feel safe and healthy in my space that I have made for myself and my family, then I don’t care how anyone else feels about my ideas.

That being said…. I must meditate! Good Day!

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