Archive | March, 2017

The Dream

24 Mar

Yesterday was a hell of a day. The emotional rollercoaster was way too bumpy and curving. It made me feel sick. After sharing a bottle of wine with my husband after the kids went to bed, I went to bed.

In that sleep, I dreamt.

There I was, with a little baby girl in my arms.  I knew she was mine. I could see the curl in her blonde hair and the kissable little lips. The look in her eyes of total trust, and my heart was hers. I looked around and found myself in a precarious situation. I was at point A but I had to get to point B and there was no straight line to get from one to the other. I had to manage my way through twists and turns, all sorts of dangerous obstacles.  I held my baby close, and I went for it. She was fine. She thought we were playing a game, her trust never breaking. I was scared. Things started moving under my feet and I had to make a move before we both went down to our doom. Leaping over things, tucking and rolling, my heart racing. When I looked down at her face,  I felt nothing but pure love and joy. I would do anything to protect her. I would save her, I would save myself because she needed me.

I made it to point  B.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I wrapped you arms around my husband and told him that I dreamt that I had a baby daughter, and that she was beautiful. But that statement didn’t seem right. I took a minute and thought about it.

That baby girl was ME. I was protecting myself. The child that was hurt so many years ago, I was making sure that she was not going to get hurt now. Maybe I dreamt this because I can see myself on a new journey to discover myself again, preparing myself to go through the emotional pain again by retelling my story, or even just telling the whole entirety of my story to someone. That baby girl, the innocent one is still there, still inside. This also tells me that I still have some memories locked away somewhere. Something more hidden to prevent further injury.

That baby girl is beautiful. She is innocent. The part of her that grew, that endured the humiliation, the pain, the subjectification, she grew to be me. I don’t want her to see it. I want to protect her from the nastiness of the human race, I do not prevent her to see beauty, the innocence is still there in times of wonder and joy and when something is beautiful, I am her when I am doing a good deed and experiencing something truly wonderful with my children. We all have moments like that, the wonder, the awe and the complete joy that comes with certain situations and experiences. With my disorder, it puts these feelings almost at a halt. I revel in it when the feeling comes.

It is a tight rope that I walk. A constant balancing act.

I can’t wait until I can get down. I can’t wait until I am a whole person again. Until I can feel things and let things happen.

Not right now but soon. For now it’s only a dream.

 

 

There’s A Plan

23 Mar

My world has been like a giant ship in the middle of a huge storm as of late. I have been hanging on for dear life, looking for any kind of direction, anything I can do to save myself, even looking for land to no avail. I have been going through moments of being in the eye of the storm where it is calm but I know a rush of destruction  is about to show itself to me, to being whipped around like a rag doll feeling no better than before and feeling like there is no end in sight. Still…my grip is firm.

Now that there is a lull between storms, I have only my thoughts. With these, I do not know what to do….from not knowing how to make the right decisions for fear they will be the wrong ones, to not knowing how to communicate after going through such a terrible thing alone. Something feels wrong. I feel wrong. I feel out of place, still, stagnant. I am striving to find something to do and everything I think of, I shouldn’t do at this moment or I can’t.

Reality has now eluded me. I have just woken from a dream state and I am not quite sure which is still dream and which is reality.

I hate this feeling.  High highs…low lows. And a mix of the shit storm in between. I have been shipwrecked and now I am wandering on a deserted island alone, knowing nothing, there is no one here, it’s a wasteland.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 days straight.  I have told my story to yet another professional who may or may not be able to help me. I have been let down before. I have an appointment to see someone on Tuesday, I am looking forward to this. For the time being I will have to keep trucking along like I am completely fine on the inside and out. I am not a complete human any longer. I feel like I look like a piece of Swiss cheese. I have been emotionally battered and poked, and then the physical aspect of it, like pieces of who I really am are missing.  These pieces make me whole and now they are gone. Those rotten bastards who have done me wrong have taken these pieces. I want them back. I want to be a full person again. I have searched for these pieces….with no success.  I am hoping these professionals can help me look for them. I hope I can just be whole again.  That is what I want.

A whole person on calm seas, with my loved ones and not a worry in sight. That outcome is so far away, maybe even unreachable….but I have to try. This time, I hope everything will be different. I am not alone. I will accept help this time. I want to let my mother know, but I fear it. She is so strong, she is my hero. How do you tell your hero you are broken? You don’t. Period.

I now have a horizon to look forward to. I have a plan. I have people pushing at the right doors for me. Fruition of the dream might come to pass.

Wish me luck, I hope you stay with me on my journey.

Physical Manifestation

21 Mar

As you know and keep on being reminded….I’m crazier than a mad hatter! My anxiety pretty much rules my everyday life and I try to battle with it and accept it and deal with it accordingly as I see fit. I try all sorts of different things to deal with it and make every day living easier to bear. Today, I cannot deal. Today, I am not coping and the anxiety is making itself known in more of a physical way.

I woke up feeling that something was not right, that I did something wrong or that something was wrong in general, and when things don’t feel right I automatically believe that I am in the wrong. I am to blame for all the wrong things that happen to anyone I am associated with. This is only one of the battles, but today it was a war.

I have been at war with myself all day long. Having an internal conversation with myself about what I have done wrong and how I can fix it and if anyone is mad at me for anything and how I can fix that, and why they are mad. I have a hard time being misunderstood and just “dealing” with it when someone does not want to open themselves to a heart to heart conversation with me about something when I feel the need to do it. I agonize and torture myself if someone will not see the other side of a situation. I find it hard to accept an injustice. I am giving myself an attack just thinking about it. My mind is racing. I feel hot in the face and then comes the stomach ache. I feel nauseus, I want to throw up. I want to bury my head as far down as I can. I want a hug, I need to cry. You know, having to cope with all of these feelings is very hard and I just can’t do it somedays. Most of the time I want a person around me, or to talk just to be listened to, but today…… I need to feel the pain alone. I know I am writing this so all can read, and that is fine, you are not in my house, you are not begging me to pay attention to you and to ask me that ever pressing question of where a certain container or dish goes. The every day things aren’t working for me today. I try to get myself out of my own head and switch things up a little bit. I went for a walk with my family, I went for a coffee, went to see my sister in law and drove through the park…..to no avail. I started feeling worse. Oh, how I want to vomit.

There is a sick feeling, have you ever said something or done something pretty nasty or terrible that you immediately regretted and felt terrible for? That feeling, that gut wrenching, I am a bad person feeling is the feeling that follows me everywhere.

I want to leave this brain sometimes and step into a new one. Go inside a brain that has no whiplash reaction to something that isn’t even there. The residue of past abuse. I want all of that scraped clean. Like if I could physically go in there and take a magic eraser to all the worst things that were done to me, I might be okay. I might be able to face everyday life without the haunting feeling of something being wrong looming over me. Like a giant black cloud that follows me. It hangs out inside my head and when days are really bad, it comes out and hangs out above me all day, just threatening the storm, just waiting for me to break so it can become a full blown tornado that can sweep me away into the black abyss.

This day is bad. I have done alot of things today to keep my mind busy and off of what I feel, off of the not so real, and it hasn’t had any effect. I am still a pile of poo. I want to cry until I don’t feel sick anymore. I want to be numbed. I feel the need for medication to put me to sleep so I don’t have to be in this day anymore.

It’s very vague as to why I feel this way, and I really couldn’t tell you, I just do.

When this feeling hits, it attacks me every way it possibly can. It takes on the physical manifestation like the sick feeling and the headaches and  the blushing, the heat flashes…..it also fucks with my head….which is the source of the problem, and then I notice that I have the shakes and I can’t concentrate very well. I am amazed that I can write this much. I can hear my husband doing the dishes and my youngest son reading him a story, the dogs nails clicking on the floor and cars driving by. This is all distracting. These noises make it hard for me to concentrate on anything and I can’t wait to have a shower and go to bed. I know I can’t. I cannot go to bed before my children. I need to stay up and pretend to be more normal than I am. I tell them of my anxiety….but they do not know the depth it has travelled into my everything, nor will I let them know. They are too young for that. My oldest would worry more than he does now.

There is alot to worry about, things like money…..ugh…..money money money…..debt debt debt. Wow….that has overtaken anything good and pure in my life! I don’t know how anyone does it! The hydro bill has me in such a tizzy that I feel like every day is the day we will come home to no lights. We don’t owe them $700 or anything, but it’s bad enough. Makes me feel so irresponsible, like I am not grown up enough to even have children. Like they are smarter than I will ever be!

But, I am getting away from the point.

And, what is my point? My anxiety is making me sick. They say stress is the main cause of so many ailments…. ugh….I cringe to think of everything that might be or could be wrong with me that I have caused myself just because I worry and stress so much. Let’s not go down that road today…there is enough that is wrong right now….or not wrong….I don’t quite know. Coming? Going? No clue!

I just know I am not right today. Today has been a terrible day. Today has to be over soon. Tomorrow is another day….hopefully not like this one at all.

I try to think of affirmations, but when you are so far down the hole, it’s hard to see the daylight. The dark is all I can see….the uncomfortable dampness is all I feel, along with the ever pressing feeling on my guts. You get so used to being in the dark hole, the light can sometimes be scary. There are people out there.

I hope tomorrow is brighter. I hope I can be stronger.

I need to cry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Another Post!

15 Mar

It is true, I post alot and I post things that I think in everyday life. I share my innermost thoughts and share some very sensitive things that not everyone wants to read. I know how some of the things that I say must feel to others, some roll their eyes and think that I am sharing way too much and care not to read about my life, while others (I have heard) think that it is inspiring and brave to share my story.

Now, Anxiety plays a roll in my life DAILY, while depression comes along every once in a while. But the true fact of the matter is that I cannot get out of my own head. Every day I refer to my abuse as a child, every day I wonder who I would have been without it happening to me. Every day I worry about the same thing happening to my children, which causes panic in me. I worry the most about this. I have little “worst case scenarios” that play in my head every time they go play outside. I think of someone preying on them, taking them and abusing them and worse. I shudder every time and it takes everything that I have in my to not call them back inside where I have constant control of the environment.

Today while I was preparing supper, I was thinking of how they will turn out when they are grown, how they will look, what kind of men they will be when they are older. I daydream things like that while I am alone. I predict what they will look like and what career they will strive for. Then, Mr. Anxiety shows up and I start wondering how I am going to cope letting them go….letting them move out of the house and be their own people. Having their own homes and going off to university, and their safety. This is what I worry about the most. Who is going to be there to keep them safe? Car accidents, freak things happen, and even murders. What the hell would I do then? I don’t know if I could bear it. I know, it turns selfish, it sounds selfish as I read what I write, but  I cannot help it…..this is the monster called Anxiety. This is catastrophic thoughts. This is a disorder. I cannot switch it off.

I am trying. I am really trying. I meditate and I am looking in to learning Reiki. I want to become a Reiki master. It would fit well with my husbands Holistic Nutrition and I dream that we can have our own little slice of “heaven” and do things the Holistic way and be able to sustain our finances while doing it. Ah, to dream!

But,I do think it’s  getting better, I seem to have  more of a grip on reality, which is what it feels like I have a lack of when having an anxiety attack.

Yes, it is yet again, another post about anxiety, about my struggle…..but it is real. It never leaves me.

I was trying to explain to my husband how it feels every day to be in my head. What I think of and how I cope. I told him this ” the first blowjob I ever gave was when I was 3 years old”. That is a hard pill to swallow. That makes you imagine it, to see it and fills you with so many emotions. Yes, it is true. I remember what it looked like and I remember how I felt and the hesitation and ultimately the trust that I put into that one person who I was raised like a sister to. It fills me with all sorts of emotions, and to let someone know how it feels is impossible unless they have been through it, but this is the only way that I could  verbalize the actual brutality of what was done to me. Plus, I think that it is a way to start getting prepared to tell my story to someone else who could really help me. Yes, Mark made me do  all sorts of things and he touched me where he shouldn’t have. The one good thing that I can say is that he did not mess with my virginity. He abused me from the time I was 2 or 3 until I was 5, and then again when I was 10. Only to have my first real sexual experience end up in rape, that was another story with another abuser.

Yes, anxiety is in my life forever. Yes, I will talk about it again. No, I will not shut up. It is real. Yes, it is REAL. I am jumpy, I scare easily and I feel like I am always scared. I try everyday to be better. I suffer everyday. I see the depths of my own hell as no one else can see.

I have taken you on a little voyage of my reality. The glasses are far from rose coloured. I feel better when I know I am just listened to. I feel justified in my fears and weirdness and quirks when people know my story. They see the “why”, not just me as I am now, as the result of the past, the pain. It’s a hard story to tell, but I know it must be hard to read as well. People are either disgusted and don’t want to read it, or are sympathetic and want to know my story or they are disaster whores, the ones who love to see the gore, who dive right into other people’s pain to feel better about their life.

I am okay with it all. As they say, everyone has a story, this is yet another post about it, but it is my Story. My Life as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cons and Cons

9 Mar

Lately I have been inspired to get out of my everyday routine, to do things that I don’t normally do on a day to day basis. I posted it on facebook to see if my friends had any ideas that I wouldn’t think of. I got a few responses for me to volunteer. I thought, that is perfect! Now that I work part time and I am more relaxed, what a great way to give back, to fulfill my everlasting need to help anybody (animals too) in need. This inspired me to get apolice request from my children’s  school to be a volunteer. I had to get the request form and go to the police station to fill out the proper paper work and pay the $11 to get the police check done. Well, while I was there, the thought popped into my brain to make a statement to the police about being molested when I was young.

This idea brings forth all sorts of feelings. I want to do it, I want it on the record that he is a pedophile, I want it to be hard for him to live anywhere and to maintain a job with dignity. I have that hatred still….but I also want to do it because the other victims of his senseless acts can have a voice. I know of two and possibly three others who have been harmed by him. With this being said, it would knock open a huge door that has about a dozen different doors behind it. My caregiver who is the molestors mother, was a foster parent. I don’t even want to think about how many other children he has harmed and of those, who had been previously harmed and then subjected to more harm? Oh, the pain just keeps going.

1366505-68386-img-648-a542d8629a-1484648097I think about the lengthy statement I will have to give and subject myself to the harm all over again. To relive it, to tell the whole story. The whole story…. the unrevised version, the clear memories which put me into a deep state of depression for months on end. I have to tell that to someone, who will write it down and ask questions. It makes me feel queasy just thinking about the feeling of telling it and reliving it. Then I think about my family. I don’t know how these things go, so, would there be a court hearing? Would I have to publicly testify in front of him? Would his mother be there supporting him and how would I face her? Which leads me to more questions than I ever thought of.

Did she know? Did she really know in the deep recesses of her brain and just brush it off like she was being paranoid? How could this happen, to not only me, mind you….but to others without anyone knowing about anything?

I remember a time when I was about 10 or 11 and he came to me at night, three times in a row. The first time I told his mother, she cried and said it was her fault and that if I told that I might not be able to go back into her care. I was young, I loved her like a second mother and I couldn’t bear not going back to her…..so I said nothing. Now that I think of it, I don’t think she spoke of it either. I can’t recall, but if something was said, do you think that I would be let back into the house with HIM? NO! At this point, he was around 20 or so and was dealing with demons of his own and abusing drugs and alcohol and creating demons in children, like me.

I don’t want to blame her. And I didn’t mean it to be portrayed as so, but these are the honest questions that are coming to me while I debate with myself about going official with everything. I know this is a heavy burden to bear and I get it. Sometimes the effects that it will have on other people’s lives is just too much. By him doing that to me and others, and if I go to the police about it, could rip apart so many lives because I said something. I know in the first place it was him that has caused all of this, but really, the weight is on my right now. I have two other people who are ready and willing to stand up if I chose to do it. They have given me all of their information which I can pass on in  order for him to be charged even further. I have this option.

If I don’t do it, am I weak? Am I going to be the one who doesn’t stand up and then others like me will feel like they shouldn’t either? Do I hold that responsibility? Is that on me? Am I a source of strength for others? If I don’t go through with this, am I then a source of weakness? Look at Amy, she was weak and didn’t stand up and say it, she didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to believe in herself and the justice system, she didn’t stand up for all of the others who either have been or could be harmed by him again.

I know that opening my mouth to the officials can made drastic changes in a lot of lives other than my own. Alot of pain will be brought to the surface, alot of anger and relationships will be shredded. With my sensitive mental state, could I do it? Could I endure it? Which also leads me to another honest question….. am I using my anxiety as a crutch to not deal with everything else? Is my anxiety a product of the abuse? Am I dealing with mental and physical anguish by creating a mental disorder? Was my mind just not strong enough to deal with the truth? Who am I really?

questionSo many questions. So many truths to find out and so many hurtful realizations of myself through reasoning whether I should do this or not. It seems like every option is a con. There are no pros and cons here, only cons and cons. I know it seems like nothing good can come out of any option I choose, and I am not sure there is anything good in a situation like this.

At work this morning, it was all that was going through my mind. All I can do it to let you know how it feels, what I am going through in hopes that it helps someone else. If even one person understands or is going through the same thing, that thing you are going through becomes a “normal” feeling and response. Hearing someone say something that you feel has such a forceful effect on your emotion, it can bring you to tears.

I still don’t know what to do, but that is my struggle. My maze of thoughts, feelings,justiceactions and reactions to find my way through. I will make a decision, with a couple of professional opinions and some friendly advice, in the end I will make the decision that is right for me. I refuse to make a decision that I will be unhappy with. I need to think logically and not emotionally about this, for justice is blind and I have vision. So I must close my eyes and think long and hard.

Making the Den

6 Mar

Everyone has a job. Whether they leave their home to work or not makes no difference. When we want to let our hair down and put our feet up, we want it to be in an environment where we can totally relax and not have that tense feeling that we all seem to carry around. Even though I love my job, I work around some fabulous people and my boss and employers are fantastic, I do have stress. My stress is anxiety driven, but it is still stress non the less. I am a little slow on the uptake as they say, and I have finally realized that I have to make my house and home a stress free environment.

During my heights of anxiety, it brings on depression and with that, there is no way that I can even handle trying to tackle putting my clothes away, let alone doing the laundry. During this fragile mental state, everything goes by the wayside. One little push can drive me to fall on the floor in tears or scream and cry and want to punch something. These are inside feelings which can’t be outwardly detected by the way. I have gone through this terrible time for months at a time, I have carried the burden of my unbalanced chemicals and when I hit a wall, everything falls apart. Firstly, my home and housework. Mental fragility and mental health issues can create physical manifestations, O.C.D, makes me frantic when I am out of the grasp of the demon called depression, and in the cage with the so called demon, I become a slug, his weight bearing on me so much that I cannot bear to lift my head.

Right now, I am somewhere in between. I am always anxious, but I am not at a roaring O.C.D point when I have to vacuum everyday, but in the same breath, I need all of the canned food labels facing the same direction and the cereal has to be lined up by size. I am not surrounded by the depression cloud either. I am at a medium, lets say neutral state of crazy! This is when I realize that in order to stay here in a more pleasant headspace, I have to keep my environment comfortable to keep demons at bay. I acquired a himalayan salt lamp in a most pleasant way 😉 and I also started to light incense every day. I try very hard to keep my living room tidy, which is hard when the kids bring all of their belongings there and just dump stuff everywhere, but I strive to keep an orderly home now. I have everyone pitching in. We have rules that we all tidy up after every meal, that dishes get washed, dried and put away after every meal because I have noticed that when my home is cluttered and awry, so is my head. Clean home, cleanish head.

I put up a bookshelf in my living room and put in an area rug and took out the giant coffee table that I had wanted out for about a year. This, has changed me. I am mama bear, making my den cozy and comfortable and it feels like safe. When I need to relax, this is the room to do it in. Although my bedroom is an oasis as well, maybe I am just starting fresh and adjusting each room as needed for my well being. You may think that I am full of crap, that it shouldn’t matter what is around you, it is all in how you percieve things, you may think that my mind is telling me things which is not true……. to you I say…..welcome to the world of mental health issues. If I was “normal” I wouldn’t have all sorts of unproductive thoughts, I could go for a walk with my children without trying to talk myself out of going right back home because they are the safest there, or have a panic attack driving because I don’t know which road to turn down to avoid a potential collision. There is all sorts of ridiculous thoughts that attack me at all times, every day. If I can relax and feel safe and healthy in my space that I have made for myself and my family, then I don’t care how anyone else feels about my ideas.

That being said…. I must meditate! Good Day!