No,no,no,no,no

6 Feb

mudCan’t this just change? Can’t I just change? How about my thought process? Can that change? Ugh…. this has to stop!!! But it won’t. I am stuck. I am in a thick pit of mud that keeps sucking my feet further and further down. Once I free my feet by taking off my shoes, I feel a little hope. Once I try to stand on my own again, there I am being sucked down yet again, feeling no hope for future freedom and enduring, lifechanging happiness. This is my anxiety. This is how fed up with it I am, this is how it is sucking my lifeblood right out of me. Good days come, bad days appear. It is exhausting.

I want to talk myself out of feeling certain ways, I want to smack my jaw loose and telltumblr_mh4uehw8on1rkq0hpo1_500 myself to not hold it tight, not to get the tension headaches and to not lose my shit because I feel something is not right. Right now, in order to feel just alright, I would have to have a nice hot shower, get my laptop, my phone, water, a snack, and hop in my bed. It would be great to have my kids cuddling with me, but they wiggle and get loud. If they could be quiet and sit still….that would be great, and then, I would feel just Okay.

This being on edge shit really is draining me. I HATE anxiety and everything it brings to the table. I want to be able to just go anywhere and feel fine in my own skin, not constantly worrying about myself and everyone around me, and even the things that could happen that haven’t. Having this damned annoying disorder is like watching someone walk into a room ahead of you and seeing how calm and cool and “normal” they are, only for you to walk into the same room and suddenly there are spikes coming out of the floor and everyone stares at you and they whisper, what they are saying is all bad things about you, and during all this, you worry whether there will be an earthquake, or a drunk driver come crashing through the window, or someone you know is dying at that exact moment and you don’t know about it. Yes, folks….. try that crap on for size!

My brain is a shit show.

I am sorry, but I am having a real hate on for my disorder right now. I loathe it. I want it gone. Something that I have had to cope with for the last….however long, has become something that I want to chuck out the window. Like this looming bastard who is sitting beside me all the time and just making me crazy!No!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! Go Away! I don’t want you!

anxietyMy moods change about it from day to day, but I had an axiety attack at work last week and the backlash of the attack has stayed with me for days….and it hasn’t really left yet! It’s the first time I actually could say to myself…you are having an anxiety attack, you are panicking…..leave the area immediately and calm the fuck down! So, I did. I went into another room, I talked to a beautiful and understanding woman, who successfully calmed me down without knowing she was! I took 10 minutes and went back to finish my task. When I left for the day, I was still quite frazzled and shaken, and that has pretty much stayed with me, with lessing degrees of anxiety each day….but still…. what a terrible feeling. This…This, is why I hate, loathe, despise my disorder right now! Bastard!

Rant #378 over! Ha Ha!

I have another dentist appointment today, and I have another prescription, so I will feel just fine today and part of tomorrow! Ha Ha!

Cheers!! To another day Lived!

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