The Nut in the Room

20 Jan

I made a small remark on my facebook profile the other day about being super sensitive lately…. I got a couple of jabs, which I was kind of expecting, I mean, seriously, if you are going to share….expect it! Ha Ha!!! And I share everything! It isn’t like I don’t like my privacy, but I have said it before….if any one of my blogs can make just one person feel like they are not alone in how they feel, I have done my job!

So, this year, I have been getting more overtly sensitive. I have always been sort of sensitive, but I could hide it. Now, that is impossible. I went to my children’s school to see them sing with their classes for the Christmas assembly and I was trying not to bawl the entire time! I was wiping away the tears and it wasn’t helping at all! I looked around to shutterstock_123688993make sure that nobody saw my blubbering like an idiot, and to see if I saw anyone else doing just the same as I was. Nope….nobody. Man, I felt like an idiot! Of course I cried when I saw them in their first school performance, but they are 7 and 9 now and I am quite used to it. That was my first episode that made me think that something was different. I get emotional when my period is about to come on, but it wasn’t even close to coming….there was no good reason.

Now, I listen to a friend’s story about how proud they are of something their child has done, I cry. I hear how they feel when someone says something nice to them, I cry. Basically, if anyone tells me of any loving emotion they have about anyone  in their lives and I break. I must be made out of the thinnest glass possible!

People look at me like I’m freaking crazy! There she is! The biggest nut in the room! Crying at the drop of a hat! Ugh!

It was quite embarassing at first, not knowing who or what will make me cry, but over the last 3-4 weeks, I have kind of gotten used to it. Only when I cry at ridiculous things do I get mad at myself! I let out one of those sighs that shake with anguish over my emotions. I know you have heard that sound before! The person who hates the fact that they are crying! That’s the sound I now make frequently! Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband about this, after we had watched a tv show that had us on edge, but didn’t have us in fits over the feelings…..but there I was, Crying again! I told him, you know, my grandma used to say that in our family, our bladders were attached to our tear ducts! She said that just to emphasize the amount that we cry! He chuckled, but I kept on talking and telling him that it has been really crazy! He suggested that it might be because I am off the anti-depressants and now I am feeling everything a little more sharper. I don’t think so. I felt all that when I went off them. This, is a whole different beast all together.

What I think, and he did agree….is this; over the past 12-18 months I have hit a different height of self knowledge. I learned alot of things that I always knew, but just now could I remember and actually face head on. I have been forced to be aware of who I am and what I have been through and learned just how strong I can be. Before this, I unconsciously was cutting off my own feelings to protect myself. Now that I know who I am, now that I am self aware and honest with not only myself, but you as well…..I can be true to who I am. I feel all of the emotions that I kept locked up for so long, fearfull of showing them to prevent further damage to my heart. I know now. I feel now. This is my truth.

That is my epiphany!

knowing-others-is-intelligenceknowing-yourself-is-true-wisdom-mastering-others-is-strength-mastering-yourself-is-true-power-lao-tzuNow, I have a different opinion of being overtly emotional. It is freedom. It is MY freedom. It is me being able to show the world my strength, my pride in fighting and my pride of being a survivor and not a victim any longer. If I feel the emotions of pride so much that I cry, so be it. If I feel the emotions of my friend who is feeling loved by a step child, then I will feel her happiness and end up crying! So Freakin Be It!

I am an empath, and this is the main reason why I feel everyone’s feelings, but I am also a warm, kind, loving and thoughtful person. I will not apologize for my tears any longer, not even to myself….and I have wanted to kick my own ass on more than one ocassion! Ha Ha!!!

So, if you end up in a room with a bunch of people and you see a big blonde lady standing in the corner crying…..that is me! I am the Nut in the Room! Come over and give me a hug, or cry with me! Ha Ha!nutcase-cute

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