Archive | January, 2017

Dentist…..Heyyyy……

27 Jan

teethThroughout my life, which has not been drastically long, I would like to say….even though I am on the cusp of 40, I am young damnit! Ha Ha! Anyways….. I have always been perfectly fine with going to the dentist. I actually grew to love going to the dentist. Not that I have a twisted wish for pain or anything, just that I love the results. I see a person’s teeth before anything else and I love the condition of mine. Nice and white, pearly even! Ha Ha!

I needed braces when I was a teen and when they came off, it was like the sun shined brightly through the clouds and there was a choir singing praises for the ever so straight, shiny, sparkling and perfectly straight teeth! That’s what I felt like anyhow. Ever since then, I love going to the dentist.

dentistOver the past couple of years, it has been harder to cope with my anxiety and I see the multitude of things that it effects, I sink my head down in despair over the fact that I know have anxiety at the dentist. This completely bums me right out, to say the least. I want perfect teeth. I NEED to go to the dentist, there is no way around it. Now, my problem is not with anything that you would expect at the dentist, no. It is not the chair, the lights, gloves, drill, suction…..none of it. I can even handle the needle. The one thing that has me in knots and holding my breath, is the freezing feeling in my face. I cannot stand to lose control of anything on my body at all. I can’t feel my whole lip, my jaw, my skin…..this is when I freak out internally and for a very long time. I panic, and I know I can’t run away from the feeling or even do anything to make the feeling come back. It is awful. This is another big reason why I cannot smoke marijuana. I have heard so many times that it helps with anxiety……NOPE! It heightens my anxiety. I hate it with a passion. HATE.

So, the second last dentist appointment that I had, I freaked out afterwards and I was miserable and held my breath, gave myself a headache, I complained and it was not a good time to be me. When I was scheduled back, I made up a lie about how I had a cold and that I wanted to wait until my kids werent sick anymore and just wait it out. I did not go back. They called me about a month after and I decided to go in and just put it all out there and talk to them about it. This was after I saw a posting my friend made on FB about how she needed drugs just to go to the dentist. This was like a lightbulb…..a welcomed light! I went in and talked to them about my anxiety and just like that, I got some anxiety meds for the visit! I was prescribed Lorazepam, which I had never taken and I have heard of it, but never had it. I don’t like drugs and I refuse to start taking anti-depressants regularly, but I will take these if it means I can get my teeth looked after.

So, the day of the appointment, I was instructed to take 2 pills an hour before my appointment. I was at work in the morning and my appointment was scheduled for 12:15.  Of course, at 9am I start to panic. My chest feels tight, I am holding my breath, my jaw hurts from holding it tight and I am worrying, and worrying. Should I have taken one pill the night before to stop this feeling now? They told me to but I thought I would be fine. I am freaking, thinking that an hour before the appointment is going to be cutting it really close, what if they don’t kick in by then? What am I going to do? What am I going to wear? I want to be comfortable, but not look like a slob. Is everything on my face plucked? They get really close to my face! OMG!!!! I look like shit! They are going to judge me if I have one hair coming out from where it shouldn’t be! Ah!

So…..apparently I am more anxious about the dentist than originally estimated!……..to say the least!

I leave work early. I have something to eat, because I have no clue when I will have control of my face and I don’t want to be hungry and frozen. Then, I have a shower because I smell like cleaning products and my hair is a mess. I shower, get dressed in comfortable pants and a shirt that would not be regarded as anything special, but equally acceptable. I sit on the bed and I notice that the drugs have issued their desired effect! All systems go!loraz And then I went…..to sleep! I fell asleep for a good 15 minutes until my inner self told me to get up and do something with my hair. Being I have curly hair….there is a small window to use in order to get anything like a tamed look. So, I did my hair, put my shoes on and sat on the couch until we had to go. My husband had to drive me…..there was no way this mess was going behind the wheel!

I was so chill it was ridiculous! I walked into the office and all the girls looked at me and chuckled! So did I! I knew what I looked like, how I sounded and how I was acting! It was marvelous! I told them…..I feel fantastic! I don’t ever take drugs! “I can tell!” is how they responded!

Needless to say, I had the most wonderful dental experience in my life! I didn’t care that my face was frozen and I could have fallen asleep in the chair! I came home and went to bed though! I slept for about 2 and a half hours! Which was perfectly fine, I knew I would be out of order for a while, and the great thing is that when I woke up, the freezing was gone and I could resume my regular life as if nothing happened!

What a day! Ha Ha!

I will definitely be doing that again! And…..it makes for an entertaining story!

Have a fantastic day!tooth.jpg

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The Nut in the Room

20 Jan

I made a small remark on my facebook profile the other day about being super sensitive lately…. I got a couple of jabs, which I was kind of expecting, I mean, seriously, if you are going to share….expect it! Ha Ha!!! And I share everything! It isn’t like I don’t like my privacy, but I have said it before….if any one of my blogs can make just one person feel like they are not alone in how they feel, I have done my job!

So, this year, I have been getting more overtly sensitive. I have always been sort of sensitive, but I could hide it. Now, that is impossible. I went to my children’s school to see them sing with their classes for the Christmas assembly and I was trying not to bawl the entire time! I was wiping away the tears and it wasn’t helping at all! I looked around to shutterstock_123688993make sure that nobody saw my blubbering like an idiot, and to see if I saw anyone else doing just the same as I was. Nope….nobody. Man, I felt like an idiot! Of course I cried when I saw them in their first school performance, but they are 7 and 9 now and I am quite used to it. That was my first episode that made me think that something was different. I get emotional when my period is about to come on, but it wasn’t even close to coming….there was no good reason.

Now, I listen to a friend’s story about how proud they are of something their child has done, I cry. I hear how they feel when someone says something nice to them, I cry. Basically, if anyone tells me of any loving emotion they have about anyone  in their lives and I break. I must be made out of the thinnest glass possible!

People look at me like I’m freaking crazy! There she is! The biggest nut in the room! Crying at the drop of a hat! Ugh!

It was quite embarassing at first, not knowing who or what will make me cry, but over the last 3-4 weeks, I have kind of gotten used to it. Only when I cry at ridiculous things do I get mad at myself! I let out one of those sighs that shake with anguish over my emotions. I know you have heard that sound before! The person who hates the fact that they are crying! That’s the sound I now make frequently! Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband about this, after we had watched a tv show that had us on edge, but didn’t have us in fits over the feelings…..but there I was, Crying again! I told him, you know, my grandma used to say that in our family, our bladders were attached to our tear ducts! She said that just to emphasize the amount that we cry! He chuckled, but I kept on talking and telling him that it has been really crazy! He suggested that it might be because I am off the anti-depressants and now I am feeling everything a little more sharper. I don’t think so. I felt all that when I went off them. This, is a whole different beast all together.

What I think, and he did agree….is this; over the past 12-18 months I have hit a different height of self knowledge. I learned alot of things that I always knew, but just now could I remember and actually face head on. I have been forced to be aware of who I am and what I have been through and learned just how strong I can be. Before this, I unconsciously was cutting off my own feelings to protect myself. Now that I know who I am, now that I am self aware and honest with not only myself, but you as well…..I can be true to who I am. I feel all of the emotions that I kept locked up for so long, fearfull of showing them to prevent further damage to my heart. I know now. I feel now. This is my truth.

That is my epiphany!

knowing-others-is-intelligenceknowing-yourself-is-true-wisdom-mastering-others-is-strength-mastering-yourself-is-true-power-lao-tzuNow, I have a different opinion of being overtly emotional. It is freedom. It is MY freedom. It is me being able to show the world my strength, my pride in fighting and my pride of being a survivor and not a victim any longer. If I feel the emotions of pride so much that I cry, so be it. If I feel the emotions of my friend who is feeling loved by a step child, then I will feel her happiness and end up crying! So Freakin Be It!

I am an empath, and this is the main reason why I feel everyone’s feelings, but I am also a warm, kind, loving and thoughtful person. I will not apologize for my tears any longer, not even to myself….and I have wanted to kick my own ass on more than one ocassion! Ha Ha!!!

So, if you end up in a room with a bunch of people and you see a big blonde lady standing in the corner crying…..that is me! I am the Nut in the Room! Come over and give me a hug, or cry with me! Ha Ha!nutcase-cute

Something’s There!

17 Jan

Holy hell! Up and down, up and down….my mind, my weight, my mood, my passions and my hobbies! Nothing ever stays the same, I never always feel the same about any one thing, except for feelings of love and more the injustices people face every day.

One day I go about my day, all, “la tee da!” then the next thing I know, “whack!”, I get smacked with a truth that I had never seen or thought of before! Usually I get blindsided by my own words that I write down and only then do I know it is the truth! I get hit in the forehead by my own words most of the time! truth Sometimes I do this, and talk about painful things that are hard for others to hear and I don’t realize that I have tapped into someone’s pain….. I feel terrible when this happens, then I feel like I hope they feel that they can share with me, I know where they are coming from or I understand. It just happened last weekend with someone who I adore! I had no idea she had just felt so much pain about a certain and specific thought, then, I bring it up! Ugh! I felt so bad!  I am used to my big fat mouth getting me into trouble. I just can’t seem to keep the truth locked up inside my head….it comes bursting out of my mouth like a tidal wave, which we all know, can leave behind wavesome destruction.

Anyways, enough about my big mouth! Ha Ha!

Lately, I have been having this feeling, I need to move. I need to start getting energy, moving my body more and being more active with my kids and do it for me! My damned foot has been like a dead weight on me. I go to work in the morning, by the time I get home in the early afternoon, my foot is throbbing and I can only sit down to feel any relief. I must work through it….. and I need some motivation. Like I said, it has been an up and down ride with my weight and my feelings towards it for my entire life. Some days I don’t even want to see food. Some days I feel like I only want to eat salad or apples, and other days, I want to eat salt and crap!

5ba8c634fa4a92e4555e5dfafe90a37bI need a change, I feel it in my bones. It could be that I need to change my eating habits, which is a definite yes, but  I also feel like I need to change something drastic in my life. I dyed my hair, I started wearing mascara when I leave the house and I started painting my nails all the time. It might not seem like alot to anyone, but it is alot of little changes, that I know are about to lead to something bigger. I don’t know what it is, but I’m ready for it, I want it and I am not scared.

There has been a shift in my inner self. Maybe an awareness I have never had, maybe the growth of my self awareness, and definitely an eye opening with other people. I am acquiring more patience than I ever have and now I look, I mean really LOOK at my kids. I listen more to them as well. I am growing, I am searching, I am yearning, for what, I do not know,  and I feel that something is there! Confusion is the name of my game right now, but I will figure it out! There are things that I know to be true, some are good, fantastic and mind blowing, and others are sad and terrible, but they are the fixed, they will not change. What has me in a tizzy is the variables, the “what if’s”, the “I’m not sure’s”, thehuh_400 “huh?’s”. I know we must all feel this, and it might sound like I am talking about a whole bunch  of nothing, but there is something there. There is something afoot in my bubble. With anxiety, usually we(as in those of us who have it) have s”trange feelings that make us think that there is something definitely wrong. Something is off or not right, is a common feeling. This, is different completely. It is kind of like, there was a crater that hit the moon and I just “know” that things are about to change.

My anxiety, my empathy and my intuition can really screw me up. I can usually read people really well (empathy I suppose…lol) and my anxiety tells me that when something is wrong, that I was the one who caused all of it, and then my intuition tells me when something is about to happen. Blessings, curses….take it as you like, but it can be a very confusing life!

I don’t know what else to say except…… there’s a storm a brewin…..a change is gonna come!

We will see!

 

 

Trick or Me

16 Jan

Over my life I have noticed how people judge others by their looks. Whether they are clean, dirty, nice hair or messy, how they dress and how they carry themselves. We are all guilty of it….don’t deny it! Now, forming an opinion about a person because of their looks is a different beast completely. Not all of us do that, that is for sure!

141020-080000I have been in different situations and jobs and been around a plethora of different people my entire life, and I have changed my appearance daily. Some days I don’t feel like doing my hair and makeup, so I go around with a hat on or a messy pony tail and wear joggers or yoga pants, making an effort every single day can be trying, especially when you have a mental disorder. I notice every time how people treat me differently when I go out. If I have no make up and a ponytail, they don’t really notice me and I hardly get any eye contact. I usually feel like others think that I am someone who is just a plain Jane woman, nothing interesting, nothing extraordinary, but people talk to me. On the other hand, when I do my hair nicely and put on makeup, I get completely different reactions from others. Now, before this sounds egotistical, I have a big blonde curly mane of hair. It is my greatest physical asset, and people notice it. So, they see the hair, they take a second look, Im usually always smiling at people, and I see that they actually take a minute, look at my face and into my eyes and smile. People engage me in conversation more and don’t try to get me out of the way fast.0

Now, it is not everyone else, it is me. I know this. I thought at first that everyone was so damn judgemental of appearance, but now, I don’t think that as much. Of course, some people are guilty of it, but for the most part I think that I am the one that changed my own attitude! I took the effort to show pride in my appearance. I am the one who decided to show the best of what my hair can do, and how I can change the beauty of my face. I, in turn feel better about myself, I hold my head higher, I walk taller and have more confidence. I changed the perception that I have of myself. I did that.

I used to think that I would think of myself the same no matter what, but when I get decked out and gussied up, well….I feel like I could take on the world! I feel pride in myself. It gives me a much needed boost. People notice that. Friends and family who see you all the time, they know!

I never usually wear makeup. I don’t go anywhere except to work and home. Why do I need to wear makeup? Do I need it? My husband says no, but then again, he says I look extra beautiful when I am dressed up. I haven’t regularly worn makeup since 2003. On the rare occasions when I do, I feel fantastic! Now, I have tricked myself! If I feel crappy and blue, like I’m a big piece of shit days, I am going to put some makeup on, do my nails and say screw you to the mirror….take that! Ha!

I might just keep this trick in my pocket and use it every so often. Even though my kids say I look scary with the smallest amounts of eye make up on! Ha Ha!

What do YOU think?20160301_172231

Wake Up!

12 Jan
img_4327

Morley, WIDE AWAKE!!!

I know I am not the only one guilty of being asleep while living my life, we all do it at some point or other. It is pretty easy to do and usually I have no idea I am doing it until I have a clarifying moment, or day, or week! I don’t know what made me notice, but I did. I have been too consumed with what is going on inside my own head and heart, I had lost sight of what is right in front of me…..my family, my life, everything. I told you, having an anxiety disorder/depression, etc. is a very selfish affliction. I noticed how obsessive I was becoming about how I felt every single day, how hurt I have been, how messed up my emotions have let me get. I was in my head so much, that I was making myself even more upset and depressed and anxious than usual. Then, I saw a flicker of light. Hey! My kids are my life now, I can’t breathe a full deep breath without them, why am I so glum? It is because I have been going around in a dream like state, all hazy and dulled. I chose to wake the hell up! Give your head a shake! I said to myself. Quit this shit now! And, in all honesty, it might not stick, like a country dirt road, there is some smooth driving where nothing worries you, but once you hit the bumps and loose gravel, you have to be careful! There is always, always, always a bump(s) you just have to hold on and go safely until you hit the smooth parts again. Like my weight problem….up and down, up and down. Some days I think, Hey! This is me! I am still beautiful and my family and friends love me…that’s all I need. Then, I have days that I think Ugh! I am a gross and disgusting piece of waste! I am a big flabby mess!

So, I gave my head a shake, and nothing came loose! Ha! But, my vision came into focus and I could actually hear things clearly as well.

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Adam & Morley about 3 years ago

So, I have been recently researching things to do with my kids. I want them to have a mom who is present, in the moment and for them to know that I like them and can have fun with them without having to be so bossy all the time and too focused on other things that I don’t even look at them when they even ask me a question.  While I was reading blogs and lists and such, I came upon someone who wrote about how she used to be so focused on work, that she barely looked at her daughter when she was talking to her, her eyes were always on a screen of some sort, then she had a clarifying moment and made a change to look at her child, and everytime her daughter came into the room, she would then make the effort and just do a simple thing and smile at her. She saw the result right away when her daughters face lit up and smiled a big grin back at her! It really is the little things that make a big difference. So, now, I smile at my kids more. I look them in the eyes so they know I am listening. They are more attentive and they talk to me more and laugh with me more. I woke up. It’s so bizarre, like I was in a coma while living daily life.

be-happyThis morning I got ready for work, before I left, I went to the bedroom where my husband was semi awake, and I kissed his face all over, making him giggle. Now, that might have just started his day a little more happier, which could have a nice effect on how he is with the kids and people at work and his over all feeling for the day. Who knows? I know for sure that something like this wouldn’t make his day start on a bad note!

So, why can’t I be like this all the time? This is not really the question I want to ask, or answer for that matter. It is a good day today. Yesterday was a good day. I am going to keep having good days, until I have a bad day. I will let myself have a bad day and deal with it as it comes. For right now, I am awake. My children have my full attention, I have been trying to get to know my youngest better for the last year, with no headway! He is so inside himself and shy, and he says random things that aren’t even true. I have no idea who this kid is! Maybe more one on one time….I don’t have a clue. I will just keep trying to get in!

Anyways! I hope you are still getting something from my blogs. I hope you either can relate, or can see how a loved one feels, or just makes you more empathetic to others who have a disorder like mine.

Cheers to good days!

Tilt A Whirl

9 Jan

Some days I think I have everything under control. I go to work, come home, do some laundry and dishes and get supper prepped. I then pick up the kids from school and start them on their chores and talk to them about their day. I feel like all is running smoothly. Then I have days like this.

Days like this happen more than the in control days. It seems like in control days happen rarely! I am constantly second guessing myself for everything, even when it comes to making supper. I am soooooooo over this shit, you have no idea! It feels like I am on a tilt a whirl ride. The constant motion, dizziness, lack of control, but then sometimes you have control on how fast you spin, but then you spin yourself too hard and end up feeling sick, then you just want the ride to end and get off, but you look over and see your kids or your friends having fun with what is going on and you don’t want to seem like a wuss, so you ride it out, pretending to have fun when you really want to have control and get off. ugh. Now I remember why I hate that ride! Now I know why life shakes me to the core!

Every day I think of how I am feeling, and every day I wonder if my feelings are reasonable or just something that I over process and end up making shit up in my head. Like, do I really have a headache? Or am I talking myself into it? Ha ha….I know it sounds really strange to you, for me to question a simple thing like a headache, but there is alot that goes with even having a headache…..my children are very loud while at home in their own environment and if I have a headache, I have to keep telling them to quiet down, or, I have to move to another room, which never works anyways because they follow wherever I am. So, now I have these feelings of being overreactive because I tell them to constantly keep it down. I am now, of course, a bad mother. My thoughts lead me into being a terrible person who just tells her kids to be quiet and can’t even take a moment to play with them. Yes, Yes, I know, my craziness runs deep! And I apologize to my husband all the time for being crazy!

At some point it has to stop though, right? It has to.

I want to lay in my bed. I want to binge watch netflix shows and colour in my colouring book and do sudoku puzzles. On the other hand, I want to organize the closet and sort out all of the craft supplies for my kids. I want to do crafts with them. I want to start making christmas gifts for next christmas. I want to go back to the gym. So, I end up on the computer looking up craft ideas to do with the kids and end up blogging. I refrain from the bed, even though my foot is throbbing and I could go for a nap! I don’t want to feel guilty for doing nothing. I watched movies pretty much all day with the kids yesterday. I made breakfast, lunch, supper and I did some laundry and dishes, but I really didn’t do much at all. I had a sinus headache, but still…..an awesome mom could have done more.

I sometimes hate to think what my husband really thinks. I work anywhere from 12-20 hours in a week, which is perfect for me right now…..being……um…….fragile? I guess that word works, but since owning a business and working for 50-80 hours per week for the last 10 years, I don’t want to work alot, I don’t want alot of responsibility. Anyways, how does he think? Does he think I am lazy and that I just fake my feelings and illnesses? Does he think I don’t do enough around the house? Or, are these just my anxieties and questions to myself? Do I project my feelings about myself onto others and in turn think that they think that way about me? Ha ha….hard to follow sentence? I hope you understand what I mean!

I want to visit with others, I want to see a little bit of who I used to be, galavanting all over and enjoying time with my friends and family. I want to. But I don’t. My brain is my enemy sometimes! My anxiety is my jail, and I don’t know when this sentence will be over. When I go to visit someone, the selfishness of my anxiety kicks in and I think only of how the other person is better than I. How, my friend, who has known me for years, might think that I am a sad excuse of what I used to be. How I am bigger and more rotund than I used to be, and that I am emotionally less stable than I used to be. I wonder the whole time, I wonder and I worry and when the visit is over, I am exhausted, relieved and still worried. I then worry whether I said anything stupid, or offensive, or if I was too loud or invasive. I feel like I cannot ever be myself. Like being myself is not good enough for anyone…..ever. I know, this sounds super extreme, but this is anxiety and depression in the most honest form I have to share.

For those of you who don’t have anxiety and depression, just think of a time when you were a little anxious or worried. Now, times that by ten, and include it in every thought you have for every day of your life. Now, if that doesn’t fuck up your thinking, I don’t know what will. Sometimes it is hard to see the truth in it’s truest form because all of the other shit in my brain is clouding my vision. This might be…ha ha….this is why I don’t really know who I am, it is why I don’t know how my emotions play out in front of others. I have tried to hide these feelings for years and I did, very successfully. It is impossible now. My children know what anxiety is. And this too, has me second guessing the true ability of my parenting. Should they know? Should I have told them? Is this going to mess them up when they are older or make them more sensitive to others? Is this going to cause an anxiety disorder in them? Do they already have anxiety? Is is my fault? ugh!

These feelings need to shut up! I often wonder how Joe Blow goes around without worrying about everything at every moment. I would like to feel that. I would like to just feel the cold or the hot without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong. Just to feel the sun beat down on my face and listen to the birds and feel the warmth, look over and see my kids playing and having fun, while I lay down and read a book, or do some gardening. (this is a summer dream of course!) I have days that I could do this, but I always end up thinking about things like, I am being lazy and should actually do something productive, or I should really get in there and actually play with my children instead of watching them. It’s a piped dream, I will have to yet again, try and fail, try and fail, and try again until I succeed at keeping a healthy body and mind. Things went to shit near Christmas time, but I need to pick up my saggy butt drawers and get on with it already. One baby step at a time I guess, but I will hit more bumps in the road every single day. I have no idea if there is such a thing as recovery for anxiety, but I wish there was.

To another day.

 

Keepin’ It Real

1 Jan

Last night was okay. I stayed at home with the kiddos and the hubby. It was actually pretty damned hard to stay awake! Yes, my life is full of excitement and wonder! Ha Ha!! The kids played some video games, we played a board game and watched some television! The kids were able to drink some orange pop, which is pretty exciting since they hardly ever get to drink soda, ever.

Today is a pretty slow paced day. I got up enough ambition to do the dishes and I might do a load of laundry later, but that is the extent of my physical exertion today. I see on the web, of people who are raring to go and do some things with their kids and leave the house…..well…..that takes getting dressed and a maximum level of effort! I might feel like a downer or a stinky bad mom, but my kids get to clean their room today! And, when they get sent to clean their room, they clean for 5 minutes and spend the next 2 hours playing peacefully together (on a good day). And, it seems like today is a good day! Lucky me!when-you-need-a-wee-but-got-wet-nails-4b98d I painted my nails and got them to dry without any smudges or wrinkles or any big mistakes because I chose to lay down and have a cat nap! Ha Ha! My nails are perfect!  Usually I cant take the ten minutes it takes for the polish to dry because I have to be screwing around with things all the time. My hands are constantly busy. No wonder I have carpal tunnel! I colour, crochet, knit, write, paint…..whatever I can to keep my hands busy at night when Im chillin’ watching tv.

I don’t know about you, but it is hard to just sit still. Lately I have been trying to stay off my feet because I have a really painful thing called plantar fasciitis, and it feels like there is a spike inside my heel when I walk. So, I tend to sit as much as possible, or stand in one spot on one foot when I do things like the dishes! I sound like so much fun don’t I?? Ha Ha!

I was talking to my husband the other day about conflict, and my lack of tolerance for it. I have some idea, but on the other hand I have no clue why it bothers me so much. I have a very quiet life. I love it like that. I know that I can have my relaxing down time when I come home. If I feel terrible, I just have to tell my hubby and kids, and usually they are pretty thoughtful of me at these times. I know that they will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and that things will change rapidly when it happens, but for now, I will revel in what I have.

loveMy conflicts lately have been in my head. I am fighting with myself constantly about whether my “friends” and family actually like me or love me. I think about how we never have any company come to visit. Or how nobody calls just to see how I am doing. I seriously have two people who keep in contact with me on a regular basis. They are the closest people to me, whom I see way less than I should. I know these two people love me and are there for me, as I am for them. Both of these people are in my family and love me unconditionally, like family should. I feel the same for them. But as for people around me, I have nobody but my husband. I have friends who know me, whom I can share things with, but none of them come to see me to see how I am doing. None of them just drop me a text to say hey hows it going. It hurts me. When they need a favour, I am a go-to person. And I know people have busy lives, I know everyone has their issues to deal with, but I hate always being the bottom rung. The first one they go to, or need to get up higher, and once they hit their height, the first rung they needed is forgotten. I know alot of these feelings could be my disorder, could be me being too sensitive, but to me, these feelings are real and painful. I usually keep these feelings inside without sharing them because my family tends to call them “poor me moments” or a “pity party”. This is just an insensitive way of realizing someone actually has anxiety and/or depression. My whole family is riddled with it, and the majority of my aunts and uncles have had these moments or little parties. I personally hate the terms they use, it’s offensive, but who can call them out on it? No one has and no one will. I will bitch about it, but I don’t really want to cause a war in the family. Too many of those have happened in the last year because of me being honest already! Ha Ha!

Wow, it has been a real shit show! It might actually be better that I have lost contact with some of them. I mean, it really is hard to keep track of everyone nowadays anyhow….I did the math not too long ago, and just with my aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids, there is about 79 of us all together. At one point I could remember my aunt, uncles and cousins birthdays. Not anymore! Ha Ha!

Anyways, what I was trying to get at in the first place, is that seeing what everyone else is doing in their life on a regular basis can be bad for your brain! I see all sorts of love and excitement and cheers and hugs and accomplishments on a certain social media site, and it is starting to cause me heart ache, because I am not that mother, or father, or aunt. I don’t take my kids on all sorts of outings and events. I don’t belong to any groups or I don’t have a 100% spotless house at all times….who am I kidding….at any time! Ha Ha! I love my kids, but I don’t do sports. I personally cannot afford sports for them either. I have them in swimming lessons and they will be going back to piano lessons when we are financially sound enough…..but seriously…..if your life is not all pudding cups and lollipops, stop portraying it like that! We all have bad days. We have all yelled a time or two or more at our children. We are not always smiles, or appreciative of the things we have, or positive. It is okay world. It is okay to have a bad freaking time of things. If you do, I encourage you to share.share Share…..when you do, you give others the opportunity to help and be there for you. You give others the chance to see that their lives aren’t so different. You can make it okay for others. If you struggle, don’t do it on your own. If you read this posting of mine on facebook, you can see in the comments how what I say can sometimes help others. My aunt, sweet, dear Aunt Sue, always comments on my postings, she knows how things feel, and she lets me know that she is there, listening and reading every word I throw out, there is support.

I want to keep things as real as possible, and as I sit here typing my entry for the day, I am at my desk in my bedroom with jogging pants, fuzzy socks and a nightgown on. I have perfect nails! But my room is a mess…..I hate putting clothes away….despise it…and I am seeing it out of the corner of my eye. I know I have to do it….but I don’t want to. I have had to yell at my kids a couple of times, they have been hounding me to play their game system for the last 20 minutes. I say no, they have a tantrum. But, alas, my words are still being written!

Keep it real people. Life is hard, it is a struggle, it can drain you….but you do it, you fight for it, you love people, loving people means opening yourself up and sometimes getting hurt, but we do it all again, and again, and again!

Reality and honesty is my truth, it is my everyday. It is my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way!