Own It!

31 Dec

Okay, so I was pretty harsh on myself in the last posting, but hey, shit happens! Sometimes you feel like the biggest bag of dog doo doo, and other times you feel invincible! And, being me, well…..it’s not too easy. There are alot of things about me that I have to deal with on a daily basis, and I am constantly having a conversation in my head, talking myself into or out of reactions and actions that I should or should not do. It is a battle, to say the least. Worrying all the time, with the anxiety and all….and then the O.C.D. likes to get in there, and being an empath is just the kicker! Might as well! Come on empathy, join the box of nuts!

With all this going on, I am just going to OWN IT! This is me. I refuse to apologize for who I am. Of course, if I say something stupid or hurt someone, of course I will apologize, but I won’t say “sorry if this sounds stupid”, or “sorry, Im a hugger”, or apologize for my state of dress or the untidyness of my home. Nope. I’m done with that. I think part of it is age, because, the older I get, the less I care about what others think of my life. Of course I feel inadequate quite alot while I am in public……and by quite alot, I mean always! I don’t know why I feel this, low self esteem, I feel too short, too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, my shoes are stupid looking, my coat is too bulky! UGh! It’s pretty tiring being inside this noggen! But, I am trying! And, you have to know, that people don’t treat me like I am a dirty P.O.S, this is all in my head. Yes, it’s really, really annoying, not only to me, but to my husband too.

I do have other things that I have to work on, and I am going to OWN all of myself. I am going to honestly try to accept all of my flaws and my…..hmmm…..I am so lost at even picking the right word here!…….Attributes! I think that fits! Ha ha!

This year, 2016 has been the very roughest for me so far in my 39 years of life. I mean, I had it rough when I was younger, with all the crap that happened, but this is by far worse than that! This year, all of the memories came flooding back, causing me to almost drown in them and never come back! But, these memories hurt twice as bad now. I remembered them as a child would, feeling the emotions like I did at the time, with the shame and the dirty feelings and the secrecy and the feeling of abandonment and not being safe…..but I also felt them as an adult, protector of the little girl who could not protect herself. With that, came shame, rage, hatred, a strong feeling of injustice and alot of pain. It is almost like my memories punched me in the face, hard, and often! It sucked, and still sucks.

I am healing, and I can feel it. I can adapt and live, and love and laugh. I can and I will. I have gone through the pain, the grief, the fury, and acceptance. I know they were the wrong doings of someone else, I know that life just happened in some cases and I was not the only one hurt. I know I am not to blame for any of it. I know, why I am so sensitive, why I am an empath, why I react and act the way I do. I am an extrovert, yet, I cannot handle crowds. I cannot handle loud noises, I cannot handle repetitiveness, and I definitely cannot handle conflict. I have told my children that I cannot handle when they are bickering and fighting all the time. I tell them, mommy can’t stand hearing you fight and argue, it makes me upset, I cannot keep repeating myself to keep you from fighting. When you don’t listen to me, it makes me angry, when I am angry I try not to raise my voice, but I will. And I do. So, to keep this from happening every day all day, I told them that if I have to get upset and tell them to stop fighting or arguing or bickering….if one  gets into to trouble, they both get punished. This has stopped alot of the fighting almost immediately! As soon as I told them how I felt, and what was to be expected if I did have to take action, their behaviour changed! Thank heavens! I would have lost my damn mind (whats left) if I had to keep interjecting and raising my voice!

I find that the end of the year signifies a chance for something better for the coming year. I am sure most of you do. Screw the haters! ha ha! I choose to better myself every step of next year. I have started already and I will continue to do so from now until I die. If I don’t want to better myself, then I might as well roll over into the grave. Living is learning. Living is loving and loving yourself enough to do better for yourself, which makes life so much better for others around you! Better yourself, you are improving the quality of yours and your family’s lives as well. I am doing this. I have been doing it, as I have learned where I have been, I could deal with it, OWN it, and grow. New beginnings people!

Already, after being through everything in 2016, I have significantly improved the quality of my life. I took a hard look at me, I accepted the fact that I could not deal with being a business owner any longer, so I quit. I took the down time I had to take a serious look at our finances and sort it all out. I got a job that pays real money, working for terrific people. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue this day after day….and one day I will be skipping or maybe running!

My problem will be trying to keep my emotions and feelings from being intrusive and selfish. They do tend to like the spotlight. If you know anyone with depression and or anxiety, you should know that it is a very selfish sort of disorder to have. It takes over and lets nobody in. Nobody. Lime light sucking fucker!

Any who….thats my last word for 2016. It can kiss my ass, but I’m grateful for it. I am grateful because I can see how good life is.Thanks Peeps! I will be talking to you in 2017….. you can count on that! This story is far from over! Happy New Year Everyone!

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