Archive | December, 2016

Own It!

31 Dec

Okay, so I was pretty harsh on myself in the last posting, but hey, shit happens! Sometimes you feel like the biggest bag of dog doo doo, and other times you feel invincible! And, being me, well…..it’s not too easy. There are alot of things about me that I have to deal with on a daily basis, and I am constantly having a conversation in my head, talking myself into or out of reactions and actions that I should or should not do. It is a battle, to say the least. Worrying all the time, with the anxiety and all….and then the O.C.D. likes to get in there, and being an empath is just the kicker! Might as well! Come on empathy, join the box of nuts!

With all this going on, I am just going to OWN IT! This is me. I refuse to apologize for who I am. Of course, if I say something stupid or hurt someone, of course I will apologize, but I won’t say “sorry if this sounds stupid”, or “sorry, Im a hugger”, or apologize for my state of dress or the untidyness of my home. Nope. I’m done with that. I think part of it is age, because, the older I get, the less I care about what others think of my life. Of course I feel inadequate quite alot while I am in public……and by quite alot, I mean always! I don’t know why I feel this, low self esteem, I feel too short, too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, my shoes are stupid looking, my coat is too bulky! UGh! It’s pretty tiring being inside this noggen! But, I am trying! And, you have to know, that people don’t treat me like I am a dirty P.O.S, this is all in my head. Yes, it’s really, really annoying, not only to me, but to my husband too.

I do have other things that I have to work on, and I am going to OWN all of myself. I am going to honestly try to accept all of my flaws and my…..hmmm…..I am so lost at even picking the right word here!…….Attributes! I think that fits! Ha ha!

This year, 2016 has been the very roughest for me so far in my 39 years of life. I mean, I had it rough when I was younger, with all the crap that happened, but this is by far worse than that! This year, all of the memories came flooding back, causing me to almost drown in them and never come back! But, these memories hurt twice as bad now. I remembered them as a child would, feeling the emotions like I did at the time, with the shame and the dirty feelings and the secrecy and the feeling of abandonment and not being safe…..but I also felt them as an adult, protector of the little girl who could not protect herself. With that, came shame, rage, hatred, a strong feeling of injustice and alot of pain. It is almost like my memories punched me in the face, hard, and often! It sucked, and still sucks.

I am healing, and I can feel it. I can adapt and live, and love and laugh. I can and I will. I have gone through the pain, the grief, the fury, and acceptance. I know they were the wrong doings of someone else, I know that life just happened in some cases and I was not the only one hurt. I know I am not to blame for any of it. I know, why I am so sensitive, why I am an empath, why I react and act the way I do. I am an extrovert, yet, I cannot handle crowds. I cannot handle loud noises, I cannot handle repetitiveness, and I definitely cannot handle conflict. I have told my children that I cannot handle when they are bickering and fighting all the time. I tell them, mommy can’t stand hearing you fight and argue, it makes me upset, I cannot keep repeating myself to keep you from fighting. When you don’t listen to me, it makes me angry, when I am angry I try not to raise my voice, but I will. And I do. So, to keep this from happening every day all day, I told them that if I have to get upset and tell them to stop fighting or arguing or bickering….if one  gets into to trouble, they both get punished. This has stopped alot of the fighting almost immediately! As soon as I told them how I felt, and what was to be expected if I did have to take action, their behaviour changed! Thank heavens! I would have lost my damn mind (whats left) if I had to keep interjecting and raising my voice!

I find that the end of the year signifies a chance for something better for the coming year. I am sure most of you do. Screw the haters! ha ha! I choose to better myself every step of next year. I have started already and I will continue to do so from now until I die. If I don’t want to better myself, then I might as well roll over into the grave. Living is learning. Living is loving and loving yourself enough to do better for yourself, which makes life so much better for others around you! Better yourself, you are improving the quality of yours and your family’s lives as well. I am doing this. I have been doing it, as I have learned where I have been, I could deal with it, OWN it, and grow. New beginnings people!

Already, after being through everything in 2016, I have significantly improved the quality of my life. I took a hard look at me, I accepted the fact that I could not deal with being a business owner any longer, so I quit. I took the down time I had to take a serious look at our finances and sort it all out. I got a job that pays real money, working for terrific people. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue this day after day….and one day I will be skipping or maybe running!

My problem will be trying to keep my emotions and feelings from being intrusive and selfish. They do tend to like the spotlight. If you know anyone with depression and or anxiety, you should know that it is a very selfish sort of disorder to have. It takes over and lets nobody in. Nobody. Lime light sucking fucker!

Any who….thats my last word for 2016. It can kiss my ass, but I’m grateful for it. I am grateful because I can see how good life is.Thanks Peeps! I will be talking to you in 2017….. you can count on that! This story is far from over! Happy New Year Everyone!

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I suck….

18 Dec

So, lately I haven’t been feeling it. I have not been dealing with life very well at all. I am still suffering and this battle is never ending. I hate this. It’s like a damned rollercoaster in here! Good days and bad days, then a whole bunch of bad days….ugh. Lately I have been waking up in the morning with numb hands. I have carpal tunnel in both hands or wrists or whatever. This sucks large. And it is due to piping all of those cakes for the past ten years. Now, I am a cleaner and I need my hands. I can be mopping or sweeping and my  hands go numb. Then, when I step down and walk I have to walk gingerly because I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot. This is very painful and prevents me from walking or doing things after a day of work. I just want to sit down because my foot hurts so bad. This means that I don’t want to go anywhere. I do. I want to go places, but I don’t want to walk around in pain and hobble around with a limp. I do not know if this is the reason that I am in a downer lately, but I am tired of this feeling.

I have no ambition to clean, do laundry or even do the baking for the week ahead. I want to cry and bury my head under the covers. I want to know why I feel this way. If I know the why, then I can work on how to get out of the funk. This time of year is my favourite, the kids get excited and I get ramped to see them so happy at Christmas, I love to give and I love to give things that I make. What is wrong with me? The Christmas spirit has not bitten me this year and I am failing. I am failing at everything it seems. I am not being the wife I should, I am pre-occupied  by my own pain to even listen, I am always off in my own head. I  want to be in the here and now, but something keeps blocking me from enjoying my everyday  life. There is so much joy to be had, I see it. I see my husband laughing and enjoying our children. I see him paying attention. I am there, I see it, but what is wrong with me? I am sitting there in the same room. I am doing something like crocheting and watching what I am doing in my own hands. I have a time limit to get these things done, yes, but why can’t I put the damned thing down for ten minutes and watch my son perform a silly little show where he is dancing and singing and being goofy? Why don’t I get up and go into the bathroom and supervise my youngest brush his teeth instead of waiting for him to come out and tell me that he brushed but he didn’t? It is the same every night and every night he has a fit about it. I could prevent that. But I sit in my chair like a cripple. Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like the victim all of the time.

I hate this fucking disease or disorder, or whatever the hell it is. It is taking me away from my family, it is taking me away from everything. The numbness in my hands goes away after a bit, and sometimes my foot is okay, but this mental shit is always there and it acts like a vaccuum. I cannot hear anything or anybody while it is in my head, and it sucks the sense of humour and joy right out of me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Don’t read that wrong, I want to live, I just want this shit gone.

I notice during my moments of clarity, that my children think that I will react to something a certain way, and when I don’t, they are surprised. Sometimes the trees block my view of the forest I guess. My oldest child just walked into my room to ask me something, I ended up hugging and kissing him and telling him I love him, which I do on a regular basis, but this time I told him that I was sorry for not being a good mommy sometimes. He looked at me, shocked, and ask me why I would say that. I told him that sometimes I feel like I am not the best mother, he in turn replied to me with tears in his eyes telling me that I am the best mommy, and if he could choose anyone in the world as a mommy, he would choose me. Wow, waterworks! I am bawling telling you this. Do you know why? Not only is my son the greatest human being in the world with the biggest heart, but I am also crying because I am not worthy of such unconditional love. I am not good enough for my children. They deserve so much better than me. I am a broken mom. I have all of these issues and I am scared that I am going to pass them on to them. I have some harsh reactions sometimes and I get scared that they will react like that too. I see other peoples lives on facebook, lots of pictures with their kids, lots of smiles and love love love, like they are always out and about doing loads of stuff with their kids without resting and taking a break. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they deal with stress and worry and all of the things that comes with life. Like, what do they have that I don’t? What is their secret? Why is everything so hard for me?

I can’t even stay with keeping on top of things. I slack. I mean, I made jars for my kids with chore in them on pieces of paper, I had them pick two per day, and that is their chore, well I was good at doing it for about 3 weeks, and now, in the last week I haven’t had them do it at all. I know, the holidays screw up all routines, but that feels like a loss of control for me. Like I didn’t care enough to keep it going. My intentions are good, but my follow through is really sucking right now. I am sucking right now. the game of life is getting the best of me. I need something to blame. I tend to just blame myself for everything, after all we all create our own destiny. Our life is in our hands. We get handed a bunch of obsticals, it is how we deal with each one that defines who we are.

My reason for this life is to help. I need to feel some sort of peace. I need always to help people. Right now, I have no idea how I am doing that. I clean. Who does that help, really? I know, it is something that needs to be done, yes, but there is nothing really meaningful about it. When I was baking, I was feeling like I was making people happy and bringing joy to their days. And through that, I could give the left over cupcakes to people who really couldn’t afford to eat. I gave them to The Inn of the Good Shephard. I also gave donations for fundraisers and supplied sweets for a cancer cruise every year. That, was good work, that was helping people. Now, I can’t even help myself. Gah, what the hell?

I guess my blog helps people, but it doesn’t reach far enough. I need it to reach more people to really make a difference. Maybe I need to go back to school to become something. To be someone again. Right now, I feel like a big pile of shit. Right now, I am not doing anything to help myself or anyone else. I am in a depression mode I suppose. Life is hard. Being in my own head is hard. I wish I could see inside someone elses head for a bit, see what it’s like to be “normal” if that is a thing. I am in such a bad head space, that this blog entry probably sounds erratic  and all over the place. I  don’t even know if I can join one thought to another. I need a shower, I need to take a walk, I need to get out of my head. I need therapy.

I suck.

Let it Settle

3 Dec

My life so far this year has been utter shit! You know! You have read all about it! There are some things that I didn’t really share because I was embarassed, but to hell with it! I am an open book! I have had some extreme hard financial problems this past year. I haven’t been able to keep up with pay roll taxes, so now, I owe them for a whole year! Yay! This kind of thing just sits on your shoulders with a weight so heavy that you feel like your neck is going to break. I still feel that stress, but it feels a little different now. I have done some real heavy looking into our financial well being. It is not good. The last year at the bakery, I have not wanted to be there. I wanted it just to be run on its own. I wanted my staff to just take care of it. Needless to say, any small business needs the owner/operator to be within reach at all times, or it kind of fizzles out. Thank heavens I had Shanna. She really stepped up and ran things when I wasn’t there. She knew all the troubles I was having and even though she may have hated me for it, she held down the fort for me. I am sure she understood. She knows my whole story, probably truer than anyone else. She was the first person who I told everything to, all of it, even how I felt and she saw first hand how it all effected me. We are close. And I am forever in her debt. Anyone who hires her on next, is getting an exceptional employee! Anyways! ha ha! Love fest is over!

So, as I was saying, I needed to be present. Even though things were being handled, there was just as much stuff that wasn’t being handled. I am totally at fault. My head was under my covers. It was heating up and turning to blobs, like a lava lamp. Not on fire, and not buzzing with little anxiety bees, it was melting and not knowing which form to take. I was a puddle.  So, when I didn’t work as much, someone had to, which means that there is more money paid out. I wasn’t picking up the slack. And, by the time that I was ready to get back into it, I wasn’t into it. I was over it! Not only are my parents not at 100%, but my mental health is lacking right now, and my kids need me to be myself. Not wounded and stressed mommy. By the time I was ready to get myself in order, and take back being in charge of the business, my financials were lacking, to say the least. And guess what? My oven cacked out on me! A little part was needed, but that little part could cost up to $200. And even though it isn’t a bundle of money, its more than I had. I needed to pay people left, right and centre! I still owe people!

With that being said, and so many people being owed money and a part needed for my oven, I had to take it as a sign. A giant, huge, blinking neon sign, that says……STOP. Just stop and breathe. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we must play with the cards we been dealt and find the silver lining on every cloud. (Enough cliches for you? ha ha) So I took it as that sign. So, I stopped. I ended up panicking hard for a day wondering if  I had done the right thing, rethinking situations and calling my mother for advice and the “its okay” reaction. And, it was okay. I have been dealing with coming off of this stress bus. Without putting all of the sexual assault stuff into view, I needed to find a level field where my brain could function. I have had to let all the dust settle so I can see the destruction that is left from the bumpy ride on the stress bus!

You know what it looks like? It looks like a hotel room that has been trashed by Keith Moon for petes sake! There is alot of clean up! I have had to go through all of our finances and find out what we owe, what we make and how we can fix it all. Budget here we come! Now, I can see a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is very very very long. Every day, things get better, but I can tell you this…..it is hard! I have to pinch every penny I have. I have to focus and take time to tidy up this mess! Not fun, but it is at the same time! Weird, right? I am enjoying baking the snacks for the kids lunches, I am home every day to make supper, and now I have to be more creative with meals in order to use what we already have. Oddly, I don’t feel restrained or stuck. I feel a freedom of sorts. I am not relying on anyone to do anything for me, I am taking control, I have the wheel. I am feeding my children healthy meals with food that we have either grown or have froze from fresh. I am up for this challenge I have got in front of me. As long as I can get the odd bottle of wine…..I’m going to be just fine! Ha ha!