Archive | November, 2016

Aftershock

20 Nov

When something like an earthquake happens, it massively upsets the whole crust of the earth, shaking and quaking, shifting and grinding. There is inevitably an aftershock of such a rough event. Things have to settle and it causes a little more shaking and quaking in order to rest. I am comparing that to having a psychological blow like I had when remembering repressed memories. There is no rhyme or reason to these things, but the dust has to settle. I am still quaking. I am fuming to the brim with the uneasy feeling in my gut. I even had a dream last night that a random man came to me and started to beat me with a hammer. I am so enraged right now, that even in my dream, I wrestled for the hammer and beat him about the head and back with it. I could not physically hit him hard enough. I wanted death. This says a lot about the way I am feeling right now!

I am not right today. I don’t know if this hatred will ever leave me. This abuse, just happened. The memories that have been suppressed for 34 years have come back now, when I am 39 years old, I am having memories of being molested as a toddler. Yes, a toddler, a little baby girl. I am feeling all of the feelings I felt then. Only now, it is worse. Now, I think as a mother, with all the pain of the child locked up inside. It is an absolute terrible feeling to feel. Physical pain withstanding, the mental anquish that I am facing right now is debilitating. It has knocked me down. Forget living healthy, forget the money problems, forget it all. There is the selfish feelings of despair, anguish, mourning. I am mourning. Mourning for my memories that have been tarnished. Mourning for the self that I have never been able to meet because he destroyed me before I had the chance to live for me, to be who I was meant to be.

I have now talked to his ex wife and his mother. I love his mother, she partially raised me, and I know that I have not really faced her or talked to her while having so much rage directed toward her son. I thought I would spare her, but I can’t. She should be able to know how I am feeling. She should have an idea of the possibility of more victims, more of his prey that are out there thinking that they are the only ones. Wounds heal, but the scars last forever. I have a giant gaping wound right now, and there is no healing for me as we speak. I must do this, blog. I must get it out there. This is my healing process. But, I got off track. I sent his mother a message letting her know that I feel hatred towards her son, this is why I cannot face her and talk to her since the memories have reared their ugly heads. Well, I can tell you, I have no idea how to respond to what she is telling me. She wants me to find God, to have faith and let my anger go. She is not saying anything about how bad she feels about what her son did. She is just addressing me and telling me to let my pain go. I am so freaking sorry, but I NEED to feel this pain. This is the death of my childhood. This is the murder of my innocence and it was taken, never to get it back. This was the beginning of the terrible path that I would go on, trying to torture myself for the pain that was mine, but that I did not cause. I don’t see him with any apologies, I see him, far away from here, living life high on the hog, with a girlfriend who knows nothing of this. I wonder how high he would be sitting if she were to find out. I wonder how confident in himself he would feel if he were on the sexual assault list, if he were to have to announce to his neighbours that he was a convicted child molester. Where is Karma now? I am sorry, but I want him to feel the pain I feel. I want him to go down the road I have been on. The self hatred I have gone through for the last 34 years. The masking of emotions with food. The pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

Talking with his mother, left me in even more pain. Just talking about God and being free from the pain, and full of peace. I don’t buy it. I don’t get it. I cannot see it like that. It is bad to say, but I just see it as talking in circles and not making a definite statement about anything. It does not address my situation, it goes right to her and what she sees. It seems like I am not being heard by her. I love her, but I cannot talk to her right now. I will not be able to connect with her until I am adjusted. It is just a disappointment to learn that there is no talk about justice, about the way he preyed on me and the others who have come forward. Me and two others, I am pretty sure, there will be more.

I am broken. I have no more strength to keep talking to her about this. I am not being heard. I am being talked at. I am being placated. Like being patted on the head and told to shuffle off now.

I know she must not mean to come off this way, but this is how it feels. I know I must be lucky to be able to talk to my abusers mother, and family, but it is really hard. These are people that I love and looked up to all my life. This is people who told me they loved me and I believed it.

I want him to pay. I want to feel peace, but right now, I think all I will feel tomorrow, is a hangover. Don’t think that I won’t self medicate! I’m going to eat crap and drink a bottle of wine. I am going to hug and kiss my kids super hard and tell them like I have before, to not let anyone touch them, Hands off or tell an adult. I am a great mother, and I am not going to be wearing rose coloured glasses. I am going to be vigilant and only let them around trusted people. I know we cant be with our kids 24-7, but I can damned well try.

This may have made me stronger, but right now, I feel weak, sick and I want it to go away. My reality is bent and I have no way to straighten it right now. Like, a Salvatore Dali painting, all melty and weird, things aren’t as they should be. Ugh, it’s so weird right now. This is my aftershock. My second shake to settle things down. The hard look at the reality of everything before I can comprehend it is actually happening, and that it actually happened. Things were so much worse than my first memories. I am sure there are more to come. But for now, I wont will them to see the light of my eyes, I will just let what I do remember soak in and find a place in the person I am right now.

I will never apologize for the way that I feel. I am raw, you read what I write, it is exactly how I feel at any given moment. I don’t speak any truer words than the ones I share with you. Whether or not people I know agree with me or not, it is not my focus. I am sorry that you find my words and ideas offensive, or inappropriate, but nowadays, it is honesty that needs to be present. I will not glaze over anything. I will only be true to me. With that being said, nobody has come to me with mean words, but I just wanted everyone to know.

 

 

Hatred; The true struggle

19 Nov

I thought I had it good! I closed the business and thought, hey, I am going to be a stay at home mom. I am going to organize the house, make the kids breakfast every day, do all the housework, make all the dinners and take the kids everywhere they need to go. Well….its not that easy at all first of all, second, I had to really look into how our finances are! Not a good sitchyaysion! Behind payments on some things have to be made, outrageous utility bills needed to be payed, and I don’t have an income. Great. I can tell you that this Christmas is going to be pretty damn slim. So, I keep on, like I have to. I make out a budget for us and go to get a job. The first place I went, I went in without a resume to see just by chance that they needed someone. They hired me on the spot, and I was to go in the next day for an orientation. Well, looking through the pages the manager gave me, I saw that the busy time is on Saturday and Sundays. I had to do some figures, and I knew that this wouldn’t be worth it. I would start at minimum wage, which is something like $11.45 per hour and I would need child care for every shift she put me on Saturday and Sunday. Child care is $10 or more per hour for 2 children. I am damned if I am going to go to work for $1.45 per hour. Just ridiculous.

So, that was a bust. I start from before and really think about staying home. Then I start writing my life story. Not fun because of the memories I have to endure and relive. I got to the part about my early days at the babysitters. This is tough. It’s rough and hard to put down every single word. I have to phrase it like I am writing a story, not like I am writing for you. I have to word it differently, I can’t just write what is in my head at that particular moment. I should try, come to think of it. But, anyway, while I was writing about my early years at Janie’s, more memories came to me. The ones that have been repressed for ummmm…. say, 34 years. Wow….they hit me hard. Pardon my French, but it really fucking sucks. The feelings I have, I don’t even know how to manage them. I felt my face getting hotter, I know I was flushed. Alone, with a typewriter and paper, and I was blushing. I remembered some really nasty shit that he did and the way he hid it just makes my skin crawl. Ugh…. I feel nauseous. He would prey on me when I was playing in the basement, or watching tv in the basement. He could hear if someone was coming. Ugh, I want to vomit. What a piece of shit. I am riddled with rage, embarrassment, guilt and shame already, but now I have an unwavering feeling of utter hatred and disgust. I want to protect that little girl. I want to beat the shit out of the asshole who tried this with her before he got the chance. Who the hell did he think he was? Taking someone’s innocence like that, making  her into someone completely different without a second thought. And then I think, didn’t anyone see? Didn’t anyone notice something? Anything at all? Did my behaviour change? I know that I must have followed Janie around more after that. I remember not wanting to go downstairs when Mark was home. I remember, when he came home, I ran upstairs. Oh man, I just remembered some other things. Him, coaxing me down the stairs, and Janie had no idea. She would tell Mark to keep an eye on me when she was upstairs. Oh God. Here it is folks, a mental cap has been opened. I thought it was bad when I first remembered some of the memories….this. is. much. much. much. worse. These memories are lethal. I am so queasy right now. I keep thinking that the memories have to end somewhere, but they just keep going. I never ever ever wanted to be alone with him. A little girl, innocently watching Sesame Street and playing with her little chocolate baby doll (as Janie called it) and then, in looms the darkness, the face of evil plastered with an endearing face and a fake smile. The used car salesman who sells nothing but crap. Trust me. Come sit with me. Here, give me your hand….ugh…..its much much worse than that, but I will spare you.

I know he was a victim, I learned that earlier this year. It might seem bad of me, but I do not care one iota. I was a victim too. I didn’t do that shit to anybody. It really screwed with my head. I was petrified when I had my first baby. I thought, oh man, I hope I never do that, I won’t do that. I was so scared of myself, it was terrible. I never ever have had thoughts of that before. I was scared to bathe my son. I didn’t want to touch him in case it wasn’t right, or appropriate. I know, I am just a loving mother who wants the best for my kids and to love them, I shouldn’t be a first time mother and have these fears. I blame this all on Mark. He did this to me. I was scared. I know who I am and I know I would never ever touch anyone like that. I knew who I was then too…..but it scared the shit out of me that history would repeat itself, maybe because I have watched enough episodes of SVU to know that most molesters are what they are because it was done to them.

I hate him. My day went to shit because of him. I want him gone, out of my life. Out of my memories. He ruined perfectly good memories of me with his mother. I love her. She was a wonderful care giver, and he ruined everything. He made me scared when I was little, he made me scared of loving anyone, really, and opening myself to my husband. He made me scared of real love and intimacy. He made me scared to touch my baby, even to change his diaper and bathe him. He scared me when I had to talk to him daily while his mother was in the hospital, I didn’t want to talk to him. He is a snake in the grass. He has two faces. He hides his true self. He couldn’t even admit to me that he did anything wrong. He has never told me sorry for what he has done. And I doubt he ever will. He does not make me scared anymore, but I am scared of myself and all of the hateful feelings I have towards him and his oily self. I don’t want to hate him because I love his mother.

I love her and I don’t want her hurt. But, I hate him so much. I know she loves him and always will. I know she will always protect him, and I just can’t seem to face that.

Whew, now all of that, that is my true struggle. Day to day life sucks when you are broke, but it sucks so much harder when dealing with these freaking memories, and when storing all of this hatred.

 

Uh! Oh…C D

12 Nov

Now that I have closed the bakery, I am on to selling all of the contents. I have posted everything on Varage, and it is awesome!!!! I love it! It is a lot of work though. I have to trek everything home, separate it, wash it, take photos, price, post, sell, and then post the changes if things were sold. It is not the website that tires me, it is the entire process from start to finish. I have to stay on top of things every moment. I still get messages at 10 pm! I am okay with all of that, its tiring, but it is so worth it. I find it a great way to sell things!

Okay, that is not what the subject is today, but I had to throw it in there! So, now, for the nitty gritty! Ha Ha!

Back when I was a single foxy lady, I was a neat freak. I loved my apartment and I had a lot of pride in its up keep and appearance. I would vacuum everyday and make sure that I never left the house with any more than a dirty glass in my sink. When I had kids, that went out the window. Actually, with my first son, I was pretty steadfast with cleaning. The floor was my biggest concern, having a crawling baby around! But, I started making cakes for money and then I had another child, and then I opened the bakery….housework was not at the top of the list. Every day it bothered me and stressed me out, hoping that people just didn’t stop by in case they wanted to come in and visit….in this horrendous mess. Every time someone did come over, I was looking around the house, just hoping they didn’t notice the clump of dog hair under the table, or the carpet under the kitchen counter with all sorts of crap on it. Or, the clutter of kids crap everywhere….everywhere…..no, really, E V E R Y W H E R E!!!! I had no idea they had so much stuff. Ugh.

Now that I am home…I see everything and I want to get rid of all the dirt, while I am organizing, I want to get rid of everything that is not right. All of my towels have to be folded the same way, and it is even so bad, that I wish I could organize the towels by colour, but I didn’t for the simple fact that I know they will never ever stay the way I want them and I would just be punishing myself if I really thought that could happen! I already caught myself organizing the kids clothes by colour and size. My sons closets, I hang up the short sleeved shirts…by colour, and then the long sleeved shirts, then the sweaters and sweatshirts and then the dress clothes. I was really aware of the re appearance of my OCD when I started hanging up the kids clothes like that….ugh. I have a problem.

I re organized our kitchen and I still am not done, but it is super organized according to our cooking needs. Pots and pans are easily accessible and near the stove and the food, is in the pantry. The dishes are now in a spot where the kids can reach them and I don’t have to get every single plate at all times for them. I still look every day at the floor and think, ” how in the…..??? who the??? what???? seriously!!!

I have a lot of things to keep me busy at home, I know that I should get a job to help with the bills, but I really want to stay at home and work on the house and take care of my family. I want to be here every morning to make breakfast for my boys and then get their clothes ready, put away the laundry and make beds. I want to do the breakfast and dinner dishes and do research for different recipes, and different ways to save money by making your own things. I want to be accessible for my kids and husband. I want, I want, I want. I know….sounds pretty selfish. I wonder what my children would want. I wonder what my husband would want. I know what my mother wants. I know what my bank wants. But they don’t live my life. They aren’t creating memories for my children. They aren’t rounding the lives of my kids for the rest of their lives. What is best?

Right now, what is best, is a well organized pot and pan cupboard, a perfectly folded towel shelf and a spotless shoe cubby and coat rack. Ha ha!

I have to work with this. I need to know when to say enough and I need to know when its okay to do as I feel. As far as being employed….I am so unsure its crazy. I should just offer my services as a cake decorator and offer in home classes on decorating. What do you think?

The Other Side

5 Nov

It has been 12 days now that I have been a stay-at-home-mom. I love it! I seriously love almost every moment of it. I have a feeling that I am making my house a home for my family, that I am really taking care of them all. I have a whole new respect for the parents out there who stay home. There is sooooooo much to do! For those of you who work full or even part time…..take it easy! You need to be there to judge!

The only time that I didn’t work was when I was on maternity leave with my oldest son. I loved it then too, but it was so different from what I am doing now.

morley

Morley at 7 months old

Back then, I had a perfect little baby boy who I doted on, I spent most of my time no further than 6 feet away from him. I kept my house clean and did some baking, but I wasn’t as busy as I am now! I would go visit family and friends to show him off and then do some shopping. You have no idea how much time I spent just going out to stores to shop with my son just to get out of the house. I mean, when you are a first time mom, you are so proud and pleased that you are a new mom, you want everyone to see your child. I was addicted to this feeling!

 

Anyway, now that I have two kids and they are both in school full time, it is a whole different ball game! I have to give a big kudos to the parents out there who work full time and can keep up with a spotless house and have the laundry caught up on at all times. I don’t know what kind of energy you have, but it must be ALOT!!

busy_momBeing home now, I have no idea how I got anything at home done when I was working! I know for a fact that the housework was lacking and I was always behind on laundry. I wanted to make quick and easy meals for supper because I was so damned tired all the time, and this has something to do with the amount I worked and the anxiety/depression bullshit.  Now that I have time and energy to get things done, I feel like I am always still so behind! It is a never ending circle! I decided when I closed the shop that I would do a deep down clean in every room of my house. Well….I have gotten one done! I want to work on the other rooms, but little things have to be done, and they become big things! Like today for example, it was my laundry day. I started the day by putting in a load of wash and one in the dryer, then I went to the gym, my oldest has swimming lessons and I can get my daily exercise in at the same time. After that I had to pick up my youngest son from a sleepover. Go home, make lunch for the kiddies, have a bite myself, put away laundry, move some furniture in my bedroom, hang up a curtain, fold some clothes, do the dishes, put the dishes away, tidy up the Tupperware containers, put in another load of laundry. Then I see that my closet with all the sheets is a giant freaking mess. A cluster of sheets pushed into a shelf, where half of the sheets are unfolded and half hanging off the shelf. Oh My!!!! Hello….who in the hell did this? I can tell you there is only two people who fold and put away sheets! I guess it was us! Damn. I take out all of the linens from the closet and refold everything. I put the sheet sets together and stuff them into a pillow case from that set. Now, everything is neat and tidy. No rooting through anything. I really hope it stays this way! In the meantime, the kids are upstairs fighting like usual and not cleaning their room like usual. I have to let them know what has to be done and threaten them with grounding or early bedtimes to get them to actually move their little tushies into gear! This actually takes half the day for them to listen. By the time the laundry is folded, I put away my husband and I’s clothes, then I need to start supper. Supper? Yes, yes, this time thing really sneaks up on you! I want to be healthy and for my family to be healthy and we are already vegetarian, so I want to make home made things that aren’t pre packaged. This has everything to do with my Holistic Nutritionist, who also happens to be my husband! So, I decide to try to make falafels and a nice Bruschetta pasta (thanks Sara, it was awesome!) This has to be timed perfectly because my husband gets home at 6:37 pm every night. The kids are starving by then and this is when we can eat as a family. Luckily, everyone loved supper. Which, is a huge issue when dealing with the little ones. Make something new and hope for the best!

After supper, I clean the table, do the dishes, put the dishes away, clean the stove and counter, sweep the floor and spot wash the drips on the floor. Bath the children, put another load of laundry in and bring out some to fold. The first time I sat down since folding laundry is when I started writing! When the kiddies go to bed, I fold more laundry and have a tea. I do research on meals, getting new recipes and making plans in my head for what to do tomorrow.

workingWhew! What a busy day! I love it to bits. I love this life, it fulfills me right now. I am super busy but I want to add more into it, like doing the banking and budgeting our home and making things so we don’t have to buy so much. I am inspired.

This, is how things are on the Other Side. We don’t sit on the couch all day and do nothing. We aren’t Peggy Bundy. We are the makers of our homes. We are caregivers, cooks, maids, handymen/women, personal shoppers and so so so much more.worth

Half Cracked Nut

1 Nov

nutIt has been 8 days since I closed my business. I might or might not be slowly going insane! Ha! I was all torn about my emotions at first, and now…..I am torn about my emotions. But the emotions are a little different now. I know that I will not own a business again, and I will not work full time at something unless I find something that I am super passionate about and still feel that I have enough time to be with my family and run a normal household, like with laundry being done and put away and meals prepped and all the everyday things I can do without stabbing myself in the eye with a fork (on purpose). I hated those days where I worked so much and struggled so hard at getting things done at home that I felt far more inferior than all of the other mothers out there. Never again.

Right now I am in a love/ hate relationship with my mind. Gah! I hate when I think negative thoughts and worry so much that I start chewing the inside of my mouth and doing other anxious ticks, like picking at my head or chewing nails, anything to deal with the worry. I worry that I won’t sell either the bakery as a whole, or for the pieces. I worry that I won’t be able to do anything because I don’t have any money. I worry that I will have to use the baby bonus for the payroll taxes that I owe. Boo….such downer thoughts, but rational I think. I have had about 7 people inquire about buying the business, lots of questions, but in the end, nothing. I know it has only been less than a month that I put on facebook that I wanted to sell, but it has been on Kijiji for the past 4 months already. And! I think someone stole my damn planter boxes from outside my bakery! Like….what? They were brown and pink! Hide those!! How rude! Ugh….things like this….just get to me. I offer myself to work for whoever wants to buy it. I will train people for Pete’s sake! Then I think….what have I done? Why did I open a bakery in the first place?why Not everyone’s hobby ends up as a business, but I loved doing it so much! After a while it became work, with the business stuff, like taxes, money, staff, suppliers, etc. All of that made going to work not as fun. I will bake all day, every day if I don’t have to do any of the bookwork and emails and dealing with money. I will take a paycheck thank you very much.

lovehateSo, I love/hate right now. I love/hate being off work. I love/hate being at home with no money, because if I don’t have it, I don’t spend it. I love/hate cleaning the house constantly. I feel like a half cracked nut, not knowing which way to chose. I know, I should probably be looking for work, and I have a couple of places in mind, but I was really hoping that I could stay off work until the new year and enjoy being home with the kids and taking care of the house for at least two months. Something I haven’t done since I was on mat leave with Morley, which was almost 10 years ago.

My mind has no clue what is going to happen from day to day, and my body just follows the brain! The only thing that I do know right now for sure, is to stay on track with the gym. That is another thing that makes me feel super unstable. I went to a Halloween party, and I drank, and I had some snacks. Nothing compared to what I used to do. At one point I remember looking at a bowl of chips or cheesies and thinking…”ew”, my cousin and her daughter and hubby came over, we had some drinks, there is a big no no for losing weight. Then, last night, I had two candies from the kids stash. I know that isn’t too bad, but bad enough. And, now I don’t know if I am just feeling guilty for living, or punishing myself for something really bad that I did to prevent me from meeting my goal.pain It’s a freakshow in this melon! Gah! I ask myself why? Why did I eat that candy? Is it because I find myself sub human and not good enough to be healthy and live longer? Is it because I am a creature of habit and some habits are hard to break? Is it because I am weak? Is it because I haven’t truly faced everything that I need to in my past? Am I facing it the wrong way and not really accepting it and not really being truthful with myself? Why? Huh? Gawd, I feel so stupid sometimes. Really Amy? You better work hard at the gym tomorrow!

So, I did, I went today and worked so hard. In fact, I came right home to write this! I am still in my sweaty clothes, and my skin is just begging me for a shower! I am going to figure this shit out one way or another. I am going to dive deep. I am going to cry. I am going to yell, and I am going to write. I will find the answer, or answers. Who’s problem? Mine! Who needs to find a solution? Me! Ugh…..covers are looking good! NO!!!! Keep out of that bed! Get that pillow out of your hands. No lying down anymore. Sometimes I am a real bitch! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, if you have any ideas on any solutions to any problems that I can’t see the answers to, please feel free to comment on this blog. I am so ready for some input people! I struggle with my inner self and I really just wonder and worry about things all day long, unless I am at the gym, or I am cleaning. And no, I will not workout and clean 24/7 that is out of the question.

You know what’s funny? I thought that being unemployed for a bit could make me focus on myself and my family more. And the family thing is true, but I have put myself by the wayside yet again! I now go the the gym, but I really need to do some inside work as well. Damn, now I have homework. Any idea where to start?ideas