Archive | October, 2016

Mirror, Mirror

27 Oct

Now that I am officially no longer self employed, I feel like I have no purpose. My worldmirror has been flipped upside down and personally, I have no idea how to deal. I didn’t think it would be this way. I thought that I would be fine, enjoy staying at home and being a mom and a wife and keeping up my house, since its been hard to do that for the last 10 years.

Now that I have no job, I am feeling down in the mouth. I was crying yesterday because of it. It is like a weight has been lifted, but then I look around and don’t recognize anything. I’m in a whole new world now. For 10 years, I was not only fulfilling a dream, but also being fulfilled by bringing people joy and for employing people from the community. Now that it is gone, I am reaching for anything to give me that fulfillment and purpose. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am or what I would like to do in life. I have been in an apron for so long, I have no clue how to deal without it. In the last 10 years, I have been raising my children, and running a business. I worked so hard and so much some weeks that it felt like I never saw my children. I remember putting in a 15 hour day and crying by the time I left to go home because I knew I had missed bed time and they never saw me that entire day. Those days were hard. Very hard emotionally and physically.

complaintI think what drained me the most was my strive for perfection. I know, not everything can go perfectly all the time, but I wanted it to. And when I disappointed someone, it killed me. I know for a fact that anyone who runs and owns a small business feels like their business is going under even when they get a small complaint. You go through a small panic attack and it puts your whole day out of whack. I will not miss this feeling.

So, what do I do now? What do I want? Who will hire me? I know, I just want a part time job and focus the rest of my time on my home and children and husband and writing, but what do I want to do for those 20 hours a week? Does it matter?employer Will it define me? Is it going to be embarrassing for me to see people who used to come to me for cakes, now seeing me doing something like serving them a coffee? Don’t get me wrong, I think that all jobs are important and I don’t look down on anyone, but it is quite a change of pace. Like I have to integrate myself back into society as a former business owner, as an employee not an employer. I was proud of my third baby, it’s hard to see her go, it’s hard not to go there everyday, and its hard not seeing Shanna everyday. I didn’t count on all these feelings.

I didn’t count on this depressed feeling. No job. No purpose. No money. Sadness. Rest. Rest? I have never in my life, been without a job for longer than 2 weeks. I have worked work-hard-1from the time I was 12 years old. I created my own job with a friend of walking dogs, and I babysat from 12 as well. When I was 14 I got a job as a dishwasher, then while still babysitting and going to school, I worked at a local pizza place. When I was 16 I took on a babysitting job that started at 6 am, and then I had to pick the kids up at the daycare after school and watch them until 11 pm. I was their mother for a whole year. When I was 19 I was running a bar. I was a bartender, made the schedule, ordered the food from the suppliers, cooked, served and worked the DJ booth when nobody else could. That was a lot of responsibility for a little money. I am not lazy, and now that I have no job, I feel lazy. I know, it has only been a few days, but I am hyper sensitive. I am also on a path of being super healthy and fit, and I had to peel myself out of bed at 5:07 this morning to get to the gym. I have started talking myself up….I have to. This morning I was telling myself to get up, beat the depression monster, don’t let it take over, don’t quit. I deserve better. Work for it. Get results.

Man, a lot of things run through my head everyday now, not just what has to be done at the shop, what supplies we need and who is working, what to make for supper, and what activities the kids have to do on what night.

I know this feeling should pass…..I am not sure when or how, but I know it will. It has to. I guess its one day at a time, baby steps. I had a friend talk me out of eating my feelings last night. She just texted me at the right time, and I confessed how I felt to her. I thought about it and just decided to go to bed instead of having another drink and something to eat. I went right to sleep. It was a good choice, and I hope I keep making them.

Hopefully every day gets easier. Evolution is inevitable, things will move and change, and I have to guide myself where to go and how to take myself there, it is learning how to do it that is key. Anyone know how to pick a lock? ha ha!

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Let’s Leave it at that

24 Oct

Well, chickens! Today is a really really messed up day! I have decided to close the bakery!20130806_105613 I just locked the doors and left. Now, tomorrow I will be calling customers to let them know that I cannot make their orders, but yes, we are done. I thought long and hard about this move for the last year or so, and I had planned to close in December anyways. I have had the shop listed on kijiji for the last 3 months. I know it takes longer than 3 months to sell a business, but the opportunity came at me in a rush. When something happens, I believe it was meant to happen. What we see in it, is up to us. The closing of this book, means that I can open another one. I am diving in! I kind of feel weird right now, like my body is reacting too quickly for my brain. My insides are mush and I have this…something vibrating around in my belly. My head is saying….omg!!! Now, I have to make tons of phone calls and I have to deal with the CRA bullshit….gah, I can’t wait until that is over with! No more payroll taxes! YAY!!

I am scared, happy, petrified, excited, anxious, dry mouthed, cold, foggy, worried, numb….and more. I have no words to describe this at all. Except….whaaa? 20131122_100138

I put something  into my bucket list! I have owned and run a successful business. Check…done. Next? Get another job and spend some real time with my family. Get paid! I get to work for someone else and get paid for it! No more working for myself and not getting paid! Yippee! Owning your own business is not all its cracked up to be. There is a lot that people don’t show. Like working 70-80 hours in a week. Not getting paid. Having to manage everyone at all times. Making sure you think of EVERYTHING. Whew….I have had enough of all of that! I even acquired a job for my manager at another place already! Bam! In one day, I have to tell her I don’t have a job for her, and then I tell her I found her a job! How awesome is that?

I loved doing what I do, I just couldn’t handle the never ending pressure. Especially with the numbers!AMY LOOKING SUPER HOT Ugh….they made me pull my hair out! Hated it! That made me develop the anxiety, I’m certain of it! Ha Ha!!! The weight hasn’t left my shoulders yet, but it will. There is so much I have to do to be officially closed! I have to call all of my service providers…..its like moving. ugh.

Now, I have to either sell the shop or sell all of the things in it. Wow….wow….wow.

This is what I wanted. Maybe not quite so sudden, but things happen, and when they do, you just roll with it, let’s just leave it at that.img_8705

 

Inside the MuMu

20 Oct

So, you ask….what’s it like to be fat? Because I am sure all of you with a “normal” body askmumu this every single day. Ha Ha!!! But, nobody wants to be there. Who has ever said in their head, oh man! I would love to be the fat friend! The jovial one! Ha!

Well, before I become who I have wanted to be for years, I would like to let you into the mumu as it were. Let you see it from an inside source!

First of all, I feel like a slim and hot woman stuck inside of a fat body. I would LOVE to wear so many different types of clothing. I yearn for awesome looking clothes, I pine for normal clothes shopping….but alas, I have to shop at the big girl stores like Pennington’s and Maurice’s carries some pretty nice things as well. I am not knocking these stores, but try to shop anywhere with my normal sized friends and get clothes….not fun in the least. Just because I am big does not mean that I want to wear crap clothes all the time. Big girl clothes are so expensive too! You can get cheap stuff at WalM…..but really, I am not 60 years old and want to wear slacks and shirts with a generic print on them. Not cool. If I go to the good stores like the ones I listed above, I have to spend at least $100 to get a decent outfit. I look at the stores in the mall with tags like $10 for a shirt…..I wish!

Another aspect is the problem of seating. Everywhere I go in public, or other people’s homes, I have to scan the seating and check out where I can sit. I don’t want to sit in a chair with arms,chair it might be too tight and then all of my hip and leg fat would seep out the side of the chair…this is not pretty and it doesn’t feel so hot either. It makes a person embarrassed. I think twice before sitting in regular plastic deck chairs, these are not stable for someone of hefty sizes. I look for a big, sturdy chair, couch or I just stand and lean. Imagine for a second, when making plans with people to go out and having to think about how you will fit in anywhere, everywhere you go.

Your feet. Yes, your feet. Every woman I know does not like to have gnarly looking feet and toenails. So, we take care of them, we cut the nails and paint them and even put on toe rings. This is fine for anyone but a plus sized woman. Did you know, that your stomach gets in the way when you bend over? You can only bend over as far as your stupid yucky belly fat will let you go. It does not spread around to your sides so you can reach your toes. It stays stationary in front. So, it makes it hard to sit down and paint your toes. It is even hard to put on your socks like a normal person.fat-belly I either have to prop my leg up sideways on the bed or couch and put my socks on, or I sit and pull up my leg… this is fun! Doesn’t it sound great?

Eating. Eating in front of anyone but your family members is hell….sometimes. I go through so much anxiety when eating with people. I think things like I wonder if they are disgusted by my food choice, do I look disgusting when I eat? Do they think I am full of shit when I say that I can’t finish my meal and I am full? Social anxiety comes with being me…the plus sized version. I hardly go anywhere. I really haven’t been out all that much in the last year. I think I can maybe count two times that I went out with friends.

Rings. I love my wedding rings, I love all of my rings. I just can’t wear them. I haven’t been able to wear them since last Christmas. So, I am married and can’t wear my wedding band. This bums me out.

Cars and seatbelts. That is self explanatory.

I am not lazy. Being fat does notmean being lazy. I am not going to lie, there were times before I started exercising that I was exhausted. I really didn’t want to delve into housework and start something that I didn’t want to finish. I would get tired halfway through and want to quit. That could have been the depression too though. But I work. I used to work 70 hour weeks. Up half the night doing work for the bakery and then spending half the morning cleaning and doing laundry, and spending as much time as I could with my kids. I am not nor ever have been or ever will be lazy.

No, I am not really happy all the time. I played the part of the care free happy go lucky and loud sometimes obnoxious friend/family member. I tried to be the happy one, I didn’t want to let anyone know me I guess. I tried to have louder opinions in order to distract from my physical appearance. Using these things as a mask. So, when talking to a thin friend, sure, I was listening to them, but I was also assessing them, being jealous of their size and wonder if they ever felt out of place. Not all the time, but sometimes. I appreciate a good body, I look at bodies, because I don’t want to look at my own. I covet people’s body parts, like her butt and those legs and so on. I think about how comfortable their clothes must be on their bodies. To wear jeans and not have to cover everything up except my legs. I try to hide everything as much as I can.

Functions and celebrations. Everyone wants to look good when going to a celebration, but I can never look as good as I would like. I have to go buy an outfit that I don’t really love because that is all the store has and then I have to try to look my best. I get dressed, look in the mirror and I am satisfied that I look pretty good. When I get there, I compare myself to everyone. I don’t look so good now. This is where the self doubt and self loathing starts to come into play and  I spend the rest of the time at the event hoping not to walk in front of too many people, so they won’t really notice me too much. Not judge me. Not laugh at me. Yes, yes. I know, it is terrible and nobody should ever feel like this so much. But there is the reality. There is more to explain. There is so much more.

Grocery shopping. End of sentence.

The gym. Yes, yes, the gym. And I bet that a lot more people feel this than just oversized me. I feel so terrible walking in there and seeing the fit people and feeling inadequate. I know, this is where I should be.gym I should be exercising to get fit and be healthy. But there are some real assholes out there who make people like me feel like a big bag of shit just for walking in there. They judge and look, more like gawk and snicker and sneer. Really??? I would love to tell them where to go and just how to get there. But I will never stoop to that level. It still feels like crap though. Knowing that the one place that I can go to better myself and take control of my life is also the place with ridicule. Insert anxiety spike here.

Shoes. Ugh. Wide shoes. Shoe size goes up when you get fat…did you know that? I have to wear mens running shoes. Sorry, but they are ugly as sin. I want hot pink or bright blue or even purple runners. Not black and dark blue with red….ew.

Summer…..Gawd……sweaty sticky summer. I only wear skirts or capris. I never want tobig-bikini see my legs. The thighs rub together, jiggly yucky looking things. I would never have enough courage to wear a bathing suit on the beach in front of anyone except my husband and kids. I even went to a beach this year that I found hidden where nobody else was. Nobody saw me and I could joyfully swim with my children. Yes, big people beat themselves up on a regular basis. I do, and I am sure a high percentage of us do as well. Even thin people do it. Just imagine, you, thin person, who beats themselves up for not being as muscular or as fit or that you have a little ponch, imagine beating yourself up 100 times worse, ten times as much.

Its hard on the brain, the heart, the legs…etc. It’s hard to be this way. No body chooses to be fat. People choose to deal with personal things in all sorts of ways, and eating is one of them. It is kind of like an addiction. Some people use drugs, others use food. People should think of it like this more often. If they did, there might be some more help for people who don’t know how to deal with pain. Or even recognize it.

So, next time you see the big neighbour lady who is big, or you see your friend that is overweight, prop them up. Lift their spirits on their self image. They need some form of help, EVERYONE does. But our kind of pain, you can see.

And all of those who are big and do not agree with everything that I have said, that is okay. This is only my view on being a large person. I only referred to thinner people as normal to get my point across. I know that the word normal is offensive to some, but it was all in the measurement of which I was speaking.

No offence was intended during the making of this blog entry, just one woman’s opinion.

No fat people were harmed in the typing of this blog. he he

What’s In There?

19 Oct

I am going to give you a look at what happens to a person (me) when they become fat. I wasn’t born this way. I was a mere 7 lbs when I was born. I was a cute blonde haired thin little girl. I only started on my weight gain journey after I had been molested. I think at 5 years old I started getting bigger. I can see it in the photos of myself when I was younger.

Alot of things have happened to me that I haven’t even scraped the surface in telling you. My biological father died 9 days before my first birthday, the pain that my mother feels over this keeps her from divulging any information about him in the first 20 years of my life.I  do not know his family.They don’t even know I exist.To this day, I have not seen his grave. Things happen in your mind when you feel incomplete, everyone who has been adopted can relate to this I think. Then I was molested between the ages of 3-5. My mother was in an accident which, at 5 years old I didn’t understand, except that she was hurt and my grandparents had to come and live with me for a while to take care of me. This caused some abandonment issues for me and within the first two weeks of her being gone, I had already peed my pants at school. This, is something that I do not blame her for. Ever. It is just something that happened in life, that had a ripple effect. During this whole time and it lasted about 10 years that I know of, I watched on as my cousin beat his sisters. He punched them in the face and gave them bloody lips and noses and black eyes. Their father and mother were abusive to each other as well. I remember going with my mother to pick up my cousins because my uncle was drunk and beating on my cousin because he thought she was her mother. There was alcoholism in this family too….not cool. I see my son get upset at seeing anyone being hurt or hearing his dad yell at something and he is in tears. Man, I can’t begin to think about the tough skin that I had to have already to witness all of this abuse.  About one year later, my grandmother, who I had grown very close to, had a heart attack. Everyone in my family was effected by this, not just me. I was very young though, and had gone through ALOT already. But wait, more is to come. So, after grandma’s heart attack or around the same time, my mom got a boyfriend who was a bit mean to me. I remember him hurting my face really bad, I hadnt washed it good enough and he took me into the washroom and wiped my face raw. It hurt and I was all red after that. Well, their relationship didnt last, and after he left, he saw me walking home from school and tried to get me to go with him, telling me that my mom told him to pick me up. I ran of course and didn’t go with him. I didn’t tell anyone ever about anything that happened or anything that I felt. Ever. It’s been locked up tight since this year. After that, when I was 8-9 I was in a very bad car accident which could have taken my life if the doctors hadn’t found my internal injuries. I was in the car with my two cousins and two friends. I can still produce the image of my cousin with her face in the dashboard and my  other cousin laying on top of her with her face in the windshield. It was not a good thing to see at the age of 9. I have not returned to the site of the accident since. Because of that, I had to learn how to clean my own wound by putting a tube into two holes in my stomach and pumping water into it and then putting a bandage back on. I cannot imagine my son having to do that. Torture. After that, my grandfather had a stroke and they had to move to town, my mother and I took on the taking care of my grandparents. When I was 10, I had to spend some nights at my babysitters again, and in that time, my molester started to visit me again at night. He came to me three times to prey on me. I told nobody. I said nothing, I pushed the feelings down and away. I was teased in high school for being fat. One nasty person would yell down the hallway at me and ask me “How much do you weigh this week Amy? 600 pounds?” and the bunch of people he was with would laugh and laugh at me. I felt nothing but hatred for him and I wanted to cry, but I kept walking past him like he said nothing. Another thing to push down and not feel. The teasing started with another person when I was as little as kindergarten. A boy would make fun of me and call me Miss Piggy every single day. School was torture. But I loved learning. After this, I had such a bad self esteem, I was worthless. I was defeated and beaten down. When I was 17 I got my first boyfriend. Which I lost everything to. I didn’t realize that he was a horrible person. I was getting attention and that is all that mattered. This person, raped me. My first time having sex, he raped me. I told him to stop, and he told me that I liked it. I didn’t know at the time I was raped. I do now. Sad. After that I lost about 125 pounds and gained some confidence. But not enough. This was the path for me, trusting everyone and getting beaten down every time. A whole list of men who mistreated me and abused me and never truly loved me like they say they did. Everything changed when I met Gord. But that is another story.

So, that is my story. Not in depth, there is alot of pain and alot of sorrow and sadness in my story, but this is where it changes. It’s like a switch went off in my head. I have spent the last 39 years being a victim, as someone who was full of shame and blame and self loathing. The next half of my life, I will be a survivor. I will be proud of all I have endured and overcome. I will no longer feel the sorrow and shame of that little girl, that teenager, that young adult. I will feel the pride of the woman that I am, that I have become and the woman who I have fought to see, and to be. I am finished with feeding my emotions. Now….I AM IN CHARGE!!! I am going to use my emotions to fuel my strength. I can see the future me, she is strong, full of life, healthy, happy and I can’t wait to meet her!

Gone but not forgotten

18 Oct

I recently stopped taking my  anti depressants. I feel great. I have lots of energy and I get up bright and early to exercise! Tomorrow marks the first two weeks since I have started. I can see a small difference already in my body. My head is also clearer and more happy. I have more goals and different goals than I had ever had. I want to hike. I love hiking!hiking I want to hike the Bruce Trail eventually. I want to run in a marathon. I want to join a baseball team. I just guess I want to do everything that I have never done or never wanted to do before. And just so you know, I am in this for the long haul. I am into being dedicated to my health and physical fitness for life. Yes, I want to be a lifer!

As far as the depression is concerned, it is gone…..but the anxiety lingers. I felt it for the first time again while we were away at the cottage. My husband took the boys into town, about 20 minutes away, and I started to worry. Like, if they got into an accident, there would be nobody to call. I have all of the health information for the boys, they have no phone with them, if someone finds them hurt, how will anyone know that I am at the cottage waiting for them to get back? These, are very anxious thoughts. I recognized it for what it was immediately and started breathing, I took a walk and by the time I was at the end of the driveway, I could see them coming down the road! I knew I was worrying without reason, and this time, I caught it! That nasty anxiety, always wants to rear its ugly head and make sure I haven’t forgotten it!

So nowsad I have come to terms on accepting what has been done to me in the past, and trying to learn and grow from my pain. I feel different, I feel stronger. But, in the same breath, I am also more sensitive. There was a hullabaloo in my family just recently, and I was the one blamed for it all. I don’t have any idea why I would get the blame for others actions, but there it is. In the end, my mother gave me some sound advice to ignore them, delete them from my facebook and just consider the source. Well…I did follow that advice, but it still stings to know that some members of my family have cast me away. They no longer have any love for me and would rather talk bad about me to other family members in order to get the message across. That kind of thing, can start someone on a downward spiral. I cried, of course I cried….some very nasty things were said, only by two of my aunts. Everyone else is super cool!  And if you know me and love me, you know that I would give anyone the shirt off my back and apologize that it wasn’t enough. So, what is a girl to do, but call mom! Aren’t mothers great? They stand up with you, they dry your tears and straighten your back. My mom does anyhow. She is the best. So, since I am off the drugs and dealing with things in a different way, I also have to recognize when a feeling is happening and decide whether it is normal or not. Then, go from there. It will be a learning process….but I am dealing with it so far.

Other than that, everything is hunky dorey! Now, that I can omit the bad, I can accept the good. Surround myself with good people with good vibes. Learn to love myself.self-love This, is a feat! It is not easy to have grown up thinking I was bad, a failure and a terrible person, because why else would so many bad things happen to one person? To learn to love the person I am now, is going to take some time and some good support from good people. I no longer feel that everything bad that happens to others, I have to fix. I am letting go of hanging on in a sense! Ha Ha!! Those words worked out well! Ha Ha!

So in my journey to a better me, a healthier me, mind and body, I am learning with baby steps. I don’t think that anybody can go all in at once with this stuff! Thanks for supporting me, learning who I am and going on my journey with me! I can’t wait for results and pictures that I can show you!

First Step!

7 Oct

I have committed to a healthy lifestyle. I have committed to becoming the strongest person I have ever been in my entire life. I AM. I WILL get strong. I WILL get healthy. I WILL get fit!

I have made an assessment of myself, physical and mental. And I can tell you….they both need some work! Ha Ha! But seriously, I took pictures of myself and really looked at what I have done to myself. It was pretty damned hard to really look. Oh My! I am suffocating myself in all of this extra weight. I swear to the heavens, I am a super hot woman…. but I am hiding. I know what I have done. I know why I have done it.

To lose this weight, I must stay completely truthful to myself and in order to that, I gain strength from you. Yes, my readers. My strength is in the knowledge that I take you with me on this journey. It really empowers me and helps me so much. Thank you, all of you for supporting me all of this time so far. I am excited to take you on this new journey, which is a part of my original one….just on a different level.

I was debating on whether or not to post the pictures of me that I took that I am disgusted by. And, I know you might think that if the committment is true, then I will…..but I don’t think that I can do that. Some of you that read this are my neighbours and friends and such. I love you all….but I just can’t do that. Maybe after a bit, I will show a before and after. Also, I will not tell you my starting weight. Just know that I am somewhere between 2-300 pounds. Even that sentence was rough to say. Ugh.

For all of those people who have never sruggled with weight…. just know that the struggle is real. I just stumbled upon a show called Fit to Fat to Fit. It is pretty amazing. The trainer takes on a client for 4 months and before they start training together, the trainer gains as much weight as possible for 4 months. Then, as a team, they lose the weight together. When watching this, the trainers really have a tough time. They see the heavier side of things. They understand the struggle. That, is very empowering for a life time chubber. I know, that I need support. I need to kick my own ass, but more so, I need to change my way of thinking. I need to take on the values of the importance of keeping my body my temple. I really need to be aware of the consequences when I chose the wrong food to fuel my body.

This is so real right now.

I am scaring myself. But I am going to do this. I want to do this.

You know, I have NEVER worn a bikini. I have NEVER been comfortable in any kind of swim suit. The last time I went on a ferris wheel ride with my child, the bar to hold us in was VERY tight across me. That, felt like shit. Every time I do something or go somewhere, I assess how I can fit, where I will be able to stand or sit. I am aware of my size every single day, everywhere that I am.

Right now, I am starting to blush. I am breathing a little harder…..I am embarassed of what I have done to myself. I have swallowed all of my pain. All of the times of being molested, raped, hit and teased. I tried to eat that away. I tried to wrap myself in a blanket of fat to stay warm and cozy to be protected. All it has done, has made me almost drown.

Time to change.

I actually had my first “all in” day yesterday! I can’t tell you how much better I feel already! I took the kids for an hour long walk, I made a super healthy supper. I did a little bit of exercise. Today, I woke up feeling great! I had energy AND I felt positive and happier. Today, again, super healthy food choices, and I am full. I don’t feel hungry! I feel hunger at night when I am in bed, and I want to keep feeling that. I know my body is burning the fat if I am hungry at night….I need my body to get used to not eating late at night, to not crave bad foods. It makes me excited.

Now, for my goal. I am giving myself small goals of 10 pounds every 9-14 days. My big goal is to lose 100 pounds by my fortieth birthday. Wow, I just shared that goal! It is a huge goal, and I intend to keep it. I have not committed to anything like this with so many people in my life. I feel panic right now….but I got this. Wow. Wow Wow. Thats all I can say.

Okay…..Im gonna do this!

 

The Next Phase

6 Oct

I guess what it comes down to when getting yourself off of drugs without a doctor to guidecant-sleep you, is that it effects your body in phases. First I felt sick, like I had the flu and I was vomiting, then, the dizziness came along with the rest. Now, the flu-like symptoms have subsided, but I still have the dizziness and added along with it is insomnia! Awesome! I am fine all day long, with bouts of dizziness happening and I am great until about 7-8 pm. This is when I really feel woozy and light headed and I start to get really tired. My eyes are little slits and I want to close my eyes. The “funny” thing is, that as soon as my head hits my pillow…..I could take on the world! This. Is. So. FUN!!!!

I do have some restful sleep and I wake up beautifully. I am not groggy, I am happy and look forward to the day. I usually wake up to the sound of one of my sons fighting with the other or just being a little too loud with a breakfast request to my husband! I used to loathe being woke up on a day that I could sleep in. I was downright bitchy if I woke up to some screaming from the kids or some loud damn machine outside my window that the city likes to do….send workers out at 7:30 in the morning to get rid of the stumps or something like that. Ha Ha! I laugh now, because it does not bother me, in fact, it makes me more aware that I am a grown up that owns my own home and has a great family. How about that huh? An anxious person looking on the bright side!! WOW!!! Breakthrough! Ha Ha!!!

Anyways, hopefully this phase of not sleeping will only last a little while. In fact, now that I think of it, none of my symptoms have lasted that long at all. Just the dizziness that won’t really leave. I think I might be lucky in this aspect.

Since I have really started to see the forest through the trees as it were, I have decided to take that next step to get my physical health to match my mental health. I know that by doing this, they will end up benefitting from each other and I will eventually be the best person I can really be.

bestThey say that life is too short, to eat the cake, as it were. Well….I am thinking that if you always eat the cake, your life will end up shorter! I am deciding to make a vow to myself in front of all of you. I will be accountable for my own health, well being and when it comes down to it…..LIFE. I will choose the better way.

I am devoting myself to reach my higher self. To be my own hero in a sense. I will defeat my own demons, I will make the right and healthy choices. I will not deviate from my change of lifestyle. In fact I am half way there already, just by my healthy food choices. Now, I have to get my ass up, out, and burn off all the negativity and repressed feelings that have gathered around my middle, and that is hanging off my arms, that is packed on my thighs, that is making my face super wide….ugh. Gross. Ha Ha! And before anyone who is on the chubby side decides that they don’t like my wording…. Yes, yes, big can be beautiful…I know, except that I don’t feel good like this. Being overweight, I realized that I am weighing myself down. I packed on these pounds to hide all of the hurt. I am carrying around my pain, in fat form. Healthy Life wooden sign with a beach on background

I don’t want to do this anymore damnit! I have had it!!

I have started on a journey. And truth be told….I think the journey started when I accepted the things that I did not want to face. I didn’t want to accept all of my past as the truth. But, it is the truth. I will face it. No more hiding. No more suffocating myself just to stop the truth. What has happened, what other people have done to me…..that is on them. It was unfortunate that these people chose me to do these rotten things to, but if it wasn’t me, it could have been someone else. And maybe that other person couldn’t have been as strong, perhaps that would-be victim couldn’t stand being a survivor, or in the end, would only keep the circle going. I am now grateful that it was not someone else. I would not be who I am today. I wouldn’t be this strong, determined and appalled by injustices. Honestly, I don’t think I would be quite as trusting of others, if that makes sense. No matter who has hurt me, no matter how many times I have been hurt, I never ever lose my sense of trust.

I have one decision in the end. I decide to do this for me. I chose to put myself first right now, to heal, to be the true me. Don’t I sound like an after school special? Ha Ha!!!

It is time. I am going to get fit. I am going to get healthy. I am responsible. My kids are going to love this! I have already told my oldest son that we are going to be more physical. That we are going to go back to the gym. We all need this! Kids soak up everything that they see. I don’t want them to think that a seditary lifestyle is okay, or good enough. I don’t want them to be breathing hard to make it up the stairs. I want them to be confident and healthy!

This journey  is deserving of a name! And since I have a big birthday coming up next year, I will name it after that! What a great start to the beginning of the journey for the rest of my life!

I think it’s going to be Foxy by Forty! (I am *gulp* 39 right now)

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