Better or Worse

25 Sep

No one’s life is easy, or perfect. Some have a worse hand in the cards of life, but we always cope, or we don’t. That is not an easy sentence. We all handle things differently, and there is no way to put all of us under one “umbrella” as it were.

I know, however what I was dealt. I don’t know what bestows my future, but I know that I will handle it. Even though these last 8 months, the time that I had realized what had happened to me in my past and then I had to accept it, wrap my head around it and learn how to deal with it, has been the utter worst of my life, I was comforted.

I was comforted by friends and some family. By those of you who read what I write and even just give me a little nod on facebook letting me know that you are there, that gives me strength. But the most strength that I get is from my life partner, my soul mate, my best friend, my husband. Man, did he ever walk in blind! Ha ha!!! When we fell in love and took the vows, we had no idea what we were in store for.

We met at work. He was a cook and I was a server. We brightened each other’s days. I would say hi to him first each day and then we would banter back and forth with trivia. I actually would memorize things from my Trivial Pursuit game just to keep the game going. We started dating and three months later, we moved in together. When you know, you know I guess. We had a rough start. Our house was toxic, whether you believe in these things or not, our house was very creepy and I woke up a couple of times seeing figures in the bedroom door. I “slipped” down the stairs about 7 times, and Gord would have disturbing thoughts while only in one room of the house. We fought here. It was not the ideal home to start a relationship in, but we stayed true to our love and faithfulness in each other. We were married after 2 years into our relationship, bought our own home and started our life.

We have gone through some tough times, we saw life come, we sadly saw life go, we grieved and had joy. We have always been honest with each other, we are each others best friend. And, this year has given us more challenges, but more strength and faith in each other. We trust.

Gord (my husband) did not know about my molestation or rape. He did not know of my anxiety and depression, until I couldn’t stand feeling that way anymore. I needed to let go and tell him. I needed medication, and I needed his approval. I didn’t really need his approval, but I wanted him to know what was going on with me and let him know the seriousness of my situation. He was concerned at first, but then I told him everything. I mean, all of it…..warts, skeletons, all of the unruly bits that nobody wants to disclose. I needed him to understand, to make things clear and for him to be sensitive to my actions and reactions. From this point on, I included him in every thought and feeling that I had.

I have gone through a little bit of therapy, some medication and a lot of crying. He has been there for me through all of it. There are some days that I want to stay in bed and cry or sleep and I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want any conversation, and he will be there, doing his work and reading. He is my strength. Partially my children, but I try not to let them see the true pain and anguish, so mostly it is my husband. My rock. The man who holds me up, who lets me cry, who will clean when I can’t, seriously, when I am in a bad way, he keeps the house running. He lets me think that I hold down the fort…..but its him.

I am very grateful to be married to such an amazing person. I would do the same for him, and at times, I have. Our bond will never be broken and I will always be indebted to him. His patience with me is something that any woman would be proud of. Maybe that is why I was so drawn to him. He was raised with his 4 older sisters. He knows more about dealing with females than most!

His dedication to my well being, and helping me every step of the way to get through the roughest days is worthy of admiration.

To those with this nasty disorder….or whatever you want to call it, let people in. Trust. Take the one person who you could go to with anything and let them in on your struggle. You would be surprised at the amount of support you will get. Thinking that everything is bad, is not what the truth of the situation is. There is always light, there is always someone who can help you, someone who makes it easier to cope. Luckily I married my someone.

My life is only better because of him.

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