No

22 Sep

Having this mental illness really really sucks. If you haven’t noticed already by the feelings that I share with you. Right now, nothing that I do makes any difference to how I feel. Nothing resolves the emotions that I am not supposed to have and nothing fixes the thoughts I am not supposed to think. I went shopping to get some clothes….this cheered me up even less…..note to any “plus size” suffering from depression and anxiety, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go clothing shopping to lift your spirits, whether you need them or not. I needed pants and bras……ugh…..never again! So, after that fiasco…..I went shopping for wine! Ha Ha Ha!!!wine

Right now, my “suffering” is at an all time high. I have no idea why. I need new medication, but my doctor is….well…. he is not a very good doctor for me, and I have been waiting on a referral to see a psychiatrist for about 3 months now. My medication is not working and I am in such a Debbie downer mode that I even feel terrible for everyone around me because I feel terrible! How does that work? I really want this resolved or at least under control before my children start to take on my characteristics. Not only am I depressed, but I am an empath as well. Not a very good mixture at all! Oh man….to be in my head……ugh!

Lately everything has been suffering because of my lack of…..life. I don’t want to do housework. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I am ashamed all of the time, I hate being in certain rooms of my home lately. I want to spend all my time in my bedroom. I want to come home and go to bed. I am tired all the time. All the time. All the……*yawn*

I have lots of ideas of things I want to do, things I need to do….but I just can’t move….just can’t get into it. This is why I say, NO. I don’t want to….NO NO NO NO!!!!

What a shitty attitude! It’s like I am having a temper tantrum with myself. Like I have two faces, one is a spoiled brat who wants to be alone and not do anything, just be miserable in her own little world with her head under the covers, and the other one, the real me, who sees things that need to be done and wants to do them right away, loving everyone and visiting with everyone, doing art projects and making things all the time. Just loving life.

What a crappy inside battle to have to deal with everyday! It will get better, I have to fight and get better. I have had a good summer with my kids and autumn is my favourite season of all….I just hope I can enjoy it. Believe me when I say that I am not whining. I am informing, I am sharing and I am enlightening. This is a disease, this is something that effects someone in everyones life. I am not sharing this for sympathy, I believe that this blog gives me a higher purpose. I have to believe it.

For all my people. Thank you for reading, understanding, being enlightened, and seeing things for five minutes from one girl’s point of view.

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