All The Same

20 Sep

I once thought I was alone. I thought that no matter how many people are around me, I am truly not accepted for who I am, that others thought of me as strange, too loud, not educated and embarassing. I thought that all my feelings of self doubt and worrying about everything and the depression that comes with it, was all my own. I was suffering all by myself. I still feel that way sometimes. Like when I take my leave from visiting someone, that they really were just pretending to like me and think that I am not really worth their time. I know, this sounds very harsh and depressing, but this is how I feel sometimes. Except now, I know I am not alone with this.  I know there are others who feel this way as well.

I recently went to a family celebration in which I sat with my parents and my two aunts. The conversation soon floated to the comparison of anti-depressants that we are all taking, or are supposed to be taking. This, felt like a light shining into my darkness. I was free. Open to talk about my feelings. Knowing that first, its in the family, and second, to know there are others that I trust and can confide in, although, I only really feel comfortable really getting into depth about it with my mother.anx Soon, during this conversation, I was kind of feeling despair over the events that had brought me into this disorder in the first place. I was brought to tears and had to remove myself from the entire table. Feeling this way, the time that night, did not get better for me. I was rushing down that spiral of darkness and was not finding a way out. Now, this is the second time that my disorder has brought be down in public. I am not sure if I am working through it, or getting worse. I accept it, and I am not afraid to tell anyone who asks. But now it is interfering more than I like. I have really good days, then I have not-so-good days. Today is one of the not-so-good days. Today is an ostrich day, today is a hermit day, a day for me to hide and read, and cry. I need these days sometimes.

My choice of selling the bakery has everything to do with my personal mental health and my parents health. And, now that I have decided this, I want it done. I really want someone to swoop in and take over. I love my baby, my bakery. I love all of my employees and my very faithful customers. Now, I need to love me. Now, I need to focus on my family. I need to do it before its too late. I have this ever pressing need to spend time with my mom and dad. To be there to do chores and take some of the hard work from them. I need to do that. I will do that. This is tearing me apart as well. I don’t know how much time my dad has left. He is not doing well and I love him. I want him to know how much he is loved.

My life is a maze, it feels like, but one that is changing with every turn. The walls move and some try to close in on me. I need to find my way out. I need to see the sun. I am glad I am not alone, but I feel alone in the worst way. I am my own worst enemy. I feel things that come out of the blue and have no reason to be there, but there they are! I know I am surrounded by friends and family, I know I am loved, but there is the demon that keeps making me feel sad. The one that says, you are fooling yourself. People dont like you. People want to use you. People dont care how you feel, or what you say. People pretend to be your friend. This demon is an asshole and I wish I could drain the life out of it and look it in the eyes when I did it.

I am surrounded and lonely, I am thankful and doubtful. All of my feelings contradict each other. Its all the same now. Im a yo-yo. sad

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