Archive | September, 2016

Raw, and up to Here!

30 Sep

So, being off the drugs has been a blessing for me. Even though I have been feeling likeimg_8594 crap physically. It makes up for it with the clearness of everything! I went to lunch with my hubby the other day and I felt the sun on my shoulders and the breeze in my hair. I actually FELT it! I felt like just looking around at things and appreciating them for what they are. My emotions are back, maybe a little raw right now….but they have made their appearance.

lunatic-memeBut, really…..what is up now…….is my kids. Holy Hell in the morning! They are little hellions! I really think that they think their purpose in life is to make me frustrated and angry as many times as possible in one day! Wow! I love them to bits, they are my precious bundles of joy and I am blessed to be their mother….but really. Do you know how testing and hard it is to try and create decent adults? Wow!!!

I feel like I am chasing my own tail half the time and they are egging me on to do it! Seriously! I am glad my oldest is sympathetic and wants to help people, I have drilled that into my kids from the get go, and they see me doing all sorts of things for people. But, when he thinks that everything is unfair and nobody cares and his world is falling apart because his brother broke his thing he made out of Lego……ugh.

And when my youngest screams so terribly that it could break glass, because he has to clean up after himself and make his bed….well let me tell you…..just telling you this makes me tired. I would really, really like to find a way to motivate this one into doing what he is supposed to.

The lies, the….he said, he did, stop, no you stop, no fair, I can’t, I don’t want to!!!! Ahhhhh!!! Makes me want to pull my hair out!

Then, the whole “my parents are my slaves” thing! Mom I want this, Dad I want that. You know what? You are 7 and 9, if you want the ketchup…..get it! If you want a drink of water…..go get it! I have never ever treated my kids like they were fed with a silver spoon and I am not about to start now. Where does this entitlement come from? What did I do wrong?

I am an only child and I have no idea! I didn’t know about all the tattling and fighting and back talk and disrespect! I feel like I need a coach just to parent! I am constantly asking myself whether this is normal or not, especially when they bicker and fight and cry with each other ALL……DAY…….LONG!!

fighting-cherubs-1They used to get along just peachy! The oldest one looking out for the youngest, and the youngest being happy just to be near his older brother. What has happened? I do see some rare moments when they are civil to each other and there is no “hair pulling” or tattling happening, but it is just that…..rare. I know they love each other. I know it….I see it all the time, but I also think that they want to kill each other at the same time.

With what I have been going through lately with my withdrawls and feeling like a giant bag of over tired shit, I feel like I want to hibernate! I want to sleep for two days and when I wake up nice and refreshed I want my children who are behaving perfectly, to cuddle up with me and we can stay in bed and watch a movie! They will just cuddle up nicely and be still! They won’t yell and scream at each other and I won’t have to raise my voice to them either. They will offer to help with the dishes and when I say no to something crazy that they want to do, they will not treat me like I am the wicked witch and they will say “ok mom, I understand”. They will not tattle on each other or barge into my bedroom while I am getting dressed. They wont wait until I am on the toilet or in the shower to ask me something. Oh, that would be a wonderful day!

Sure, I can post all the photos in the world of my kids smiling and being joyous and loving, but just know….evil lurks beyond those eyes! Ha ha ha ha!!! I wonder if my mother felt this way about me? As far as I can recall, I was a perfectly behaved child, a model of a daughter that all other mothers had wished their children acted like! Ha….not likely, but that’s what I will tell my kids! And in actuality, my mother tramps on my perfect memories and rolls her eyes and lets my husband and kids know just exactly how every went down when I was a kid!

You know, I never think that I “deserve” things, but today I do.

I DESERVE rest, relaxation and sleep…..lots and lots of sleep!

And maybe a big glass of wine!!!wineyes

I just want to say…..What the Hell?????

 

Sleepy Head

27 Sep

goodWell….it’s day five of being without the anti-depressants and I feel so much better. Like I can tackle the day without finding everything wrong. Without being sad. That is AWESOME!!!!

I am finding that I have been very tired. Yesterday I woke up at my usual time, and I stay in bed for a bit before starting the day. I think about things that I have to do and assess how I feel. Most of the time, I never wanted to get out, I could have layed there all day long. And sometimes I did. But alas, I woke up feeling a bit tired. Went to the bakery, did some baking and when that was done, I came home and napped. I slept for at least an hour. The kids had come home from school and so I put my Mom hat on and resumed the day. By 7 pm, I was groggy again! I wanted so much to crawl into bed and sleep forever! But I stayed up until about 10 pm and proceeded to have a very restless sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good though! I woke up and got right out of bed, I didn’t linger or wish to stay there. I was eager to get my day started! This is a major change for me! The meds I was on didn’t let me sleep very well at all. I stayed up half the night and couldn’t sleep well when I was asleep. Which, in turn is probably why I never wanted to get out of bed.

The only side effect that I have had to getting off the pills cold turkey is vomitting. I did vomit this morning, but I stillcoldturkeyfelt fine. My husband says it might be a side effect to quitting. I believe that. I mean, I only take vitamins now, so it could be my body coming off the meds, or I could be sick! And, I feel quite well!

I know you might think that this might be more than you really want to know about me, but we have come so far together! ha ha! Don’t worry, I just want to inform everyone on how my body is reacting to stopping meds cold turkey. I think it might be important for anyone who is thinking of doing something like that to see what they are getting into. I do not recommend anyone to do what I am doing. Everyone’s body is different and some people could have some very bad reactions. Always consult your doctor when wanting off of medication like this.

throughI feel very good though. I have a feeling that my anxiety will be creeping back into my life, but now that I have suffered with depression, it might be easier to handle. I still want to see a psychiatrist and have them determine what to do from a professional stand point. But for now, I think that I will find a therapist and take my vitamins and supplements and see how that works out for me. I have to eat better and have some sort of physical activity happening as well. It might sound stupid, but now I care again. My emotions are back where they should be and I can feel joy. I can be happy and goofy, and dance again…… and I make some pretty funny faces when I dance! Or so I have been told! ha ha!

Maybe I will be the guinea pig for dealing with anxiety and depression. I will try different things if something doesn’t work, and let you all know about it. So far, the meds didn’t work for me. As we all know. Now, it’s the holistic way.

Wish me luck.

 

Day Number Three

26 Sep

Today is day number three. Three of what? you say? Day number three of being off those day-3damned Cipralex pills. They should come with a personal warning, saying that “this is the pill that every doctor will try to put you on first. This pill tosses your emotions around like a rag doll and turn your anxiety into a downward spiral of depression in a matter of months.” I had more issues than that on this medication and the last month was the worse. My body and mind just did not do well on this pill. When I started feeling worse, I told my doctor and he just upped the dosage. This caused the effect on my body.

I decided, after not being able to enjoy a family celebration, that I would stop taking this “medication” cold turkey. Now I know there are some adverse effects that can happen when cutting them out all together, but I thought I would risk it. ANYTHING is better than feeling this way ALL the time. I would rather feel depressed off and on, then feel it every day all day and not even be able to walk out my front door. To be ashamed of myself every day and not want to see anyone. Not the life for me. I am a fun and outgoing, boisterous person who would do anything for anyone…..depression does not fit into this person very well at all. I’m gonna kick its ass this time. I am so done and over with the shitty feelings. I am done and over listening to a doctor who spends two minutes with me and decides what medication I should be on. I am going to do what feels right.happy-pills

Right now, I feel better. I am happy. I was being goofy and playful with my son this morning before he went to school. I wasn’t trying to be happy and fun, it just happened. This felt great! I am seeing a bit of the person that I used to be……I cant wait to meet her again!  I know this perfect feeling wont last during every day, and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it some of the time.

Things are starting to look up for me right now, and my husband is on board. He is telling me what vitamins to take and what foods to eat so I can correct the chemical imbalance that I have. He is supporting my decision, and so is my mother. We were both on a medication that made us feel not so great, and we both decided to stop taking it. I don’t advocate to anyone to stop their medication, I am just saying that I did it. Its the third time that I have tried and the first time that it was a success…..so far!

I hope it lasts. But I would think that after three days, most of it is out of my system. But I am no doctor…..*ugh*

I will keep up on the blog and letting you know how everything is going. I hope I see a weight loss….not only with my body, but on my shoulders as well!! And, I am hoping to start seeing the bright side of things more often now. Depression is an ugly beast and I hate battling with it everyday. I hope I wont have to fight so much now.

I will get my sleep, I will take the vitamins my hubs wants me to take, and I will feel better.

Oh….I will. try

Better or Worse

25 Sep

No one’s life is easy, or perfect. Some have a worse hand in the cards of life, but we always cope, or we don’t. That is not an easy sentence. We all handle things differently, and there is no way to put all of us under one “umbrella” as it were.

I know, however what I was dealt. I don’t know what bestows my future, but I know that I will handle it. Even though these last 8 months, the time that I had realized what had happened to me in my past and then I had to accept it, wrap my head around it and learn how to deal with it, has been the utter worst of my life, I was comforted.

I was comforted by friends and some family. By those of you who read what I write and even just give me a little nod on facebook letting me know that you are there, that gives me strength. But the most strength that I get is from my life partner, my soul mate, my best friend, my husband. Man, did he ever walk in blind! Ha ha!!! When we fell in love and took the vows, we had no idea what we were in store for.

We met at work. He was a cook and I was a server. We brightened each other’s days. I would say hi to him first each day and then we would banter back and forth with trivia. I actually would memorize things from my Trivial Pursuit game just to keep the game going. We started dating and three months later, we moved in together. When you know, you know I guess. We had a rough start. Our house was toxic, whether you believe in these things or not, our house was very creepy and I woke up a couple of times seeing figures in the bedroom door. I “slipped” down the stairs about 7 times, and Gord would have disturbing thoughts while only in one room of the house. We fought here. It was not the ideal home to start a relationship in, but we stayed true to our love and faithfulness in each other. We were married after 2 years into our relationship, bought our own home and started our life.

We have gone through some tough times, we saw life come, we sadly saw life go, we grieved and had joy. We have always been honest with each other, we are each others best friend. And, this year has given us more challenges, but more strength and faith in each other. We trust.

Gord (my husband) did not know about my molestation or rape. He did not know of my anxiety and depression, until I couldn’t stand feeling that way anymore. I needed to let go and tell him. I needed medication, and I needed his approval. I didn’t really need his approval, but I wanted him to know what was going on with me and let him know the seriousness of my situation. He was concerned at first, but then I told him everything. I mean, all of it…..warts, skeletons, all of the unruly bits that nobody wants to disclose. I needed him to understand, to make things clear and for him to be sensitive to my actions and reactions. From this point on, I included him in every thought and feeling that I had.

I have gone through a little bit of therapy, some medication and a lot of crying. He has been there for me through all of it. There are some days that I want to stay in bed and cry or sleep and I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want any conversation, and he will be there, doing his work and reading. He is my strength. Partially my children, but I try not to let them see the true pain and anguish, so mostly it is my husband. My rock. The man who holds me up, who lets me cry, who will clean when I can’t, seriously, when I am in a bad way, he keeps the house running. He lets me think that I hold down the fort…..but its him.

I am very grateful to be married to such an amazing person. I would do the same for him, and at times, I have. Our bond will never be broken and I will always be indebted to him. His patience with me is something that any woman would be proud of. Maybe that is why I was so drawn to him. He was raised with his 4 older sisters. He knows more about dealing with females than most!

His dedication to my well being, and helping me every step of the way to get through the roughest days is worthy of admiration.

To those with this nasty disorder….or whatever you want to call it, let people in. Trust. Take the one person who you could go to with anything and let them in on your struggle. You would be surprised at the amount of support you will get. Thinking that everything is bad, is not what the truth of the situation is. There is always light, there is always someone who can help you, someone who makes it easier to cope. Luckily I married my someone.

My life is only better because of him.

No

22 Sep

Having this mental illness really really sucks. If you haven’t noticed already by the feelings that I share with you. Right now, nothing that I do makes any difference to how I feel. Nothing resolves the emotions that I am not supposed to have and nothing fixes the thoughts I am not supposed to think. I went shopping to get some clothes….this cheered me up even less…..note to any “plus size” suffering from depression and anxiety, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go clothing shopping to lift your spirits, whether you need them or not. I needed pants and bras……ugh…..never again! So, after that fiasco…..I went shopping for wine! Ha Ha Ha!!!wine

Right now, my “suffering” is at an all time high. I have no idea why. I need new medication, but my doctor is….well…. he is not a very good doctor for me, and I have been waiting on a referral to see a psychiatrist for about 3 months now. My medication is not working and I am in such a Debbie downer mode that I even feel terrible for everyone around me because I feel terrible! How does that work? I really want this resolved or at least under control before my children start to take on my characteristics. Not only am I depressed, but I am an empath as well. Not a very good mixture at all! Oh man….to be in my head……ugh!

Lately everything has been suffering because of my lack of…..life. I don’t want to do housework. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I am ashamed all of the time, I hate being in certain rooms of my home lately. I want to spend all my time in my bedroom. I want to come home and go to bed. I am tired all the time. All the time. All the……*yawn*

I have lots of ideas of things I want to do, things I need to do….but I just can’t move….just can’t get into it. This is why I say, NO. I don’t want to….NO NO NO NO!!!!

What a shitty attitude! It’s like I am having a temper tantrum with myself. Like I have two faces, one is a spoiled brat who wants to be alone and not do anything, just be miserable in her own little world with her head under the covers, and the other one, the real me, who sees things that need to be done and wants to do them right away, loving everyone and visiting with everyone, doing art projects and making things all the time. Just loving life.

What a crappy inside battle to have to deal with everyday! It will get better, I have to fight and get better. I have had a good summer with my kids and autumn is my favourite season of all….I just hope I can enjoy it. Believe me when I say that I am not whining. I am informing, I am sharing and I am enlightening. This is a disease, this is something that effects someone in everyones life. I am not sharing this for sympathy, I believe that this blog gives me a higher purpose. I have to believe it.

For all my people. Thank you for reading, understanding, being enlightened, and seeing things for five minutes from one girl’s point of view.

All The Same

20 Sep

I once thought I was alone. I thought that no matter how many people are around me, I am truly not accepted for who I am, that others thought of me as strange, too loud, not educated and embarassing. I thought that all my feelings of self doubt and worrying about everything and the depression that comes with it, was all my own. I was suffering all by myself. I still feel that way sometimes. Like when I take my leave from visiting someone, that they really were just pretending to like me and think that I am not really worth their time. I know, this sounds very harsh and depressing, but this is how I feel sometimes. Except now, I know I am not alone with this.  I know there are others who feel this way as well.

I recently went to a family celebration in which I sat with my parents and my two aunts. The conversation soon floated to the comparison of anti-depressants that we are all taking, or are supposed to be taking. This, felt like a light shining into my darkness. I was free. Open to talk about my feelings. Knowing that first, its in the family, and second, to know there are others that I trust and can confide in, although, I only really feel comfortable really getting into depth about it with my mother.anx Soon, during this conversation, I was kind of feeling despair over the events that had brought me into this disorder in the first place. I was brought to tears and had to remove myself from the entire table. Feeling this way, the time that night, did not get better for me. I was rushing down that spiral of darkness and was not finding a way out. Now, this is the second time that my disorder has brought be down in public. I am not sure if I am working through it, or getting worse. I accept it, and I am not afraid to tell anyone who asks. But now it is interfering more than I like. I have really good days, then I have not-so-good days. Today is one of the not-so-good days. Today is an ostrich day, today is a hermit day, a day for me to hide and read, and cry. I need these days sometimes.

My choice of selling the bakery has everything to do with my personal mental health and my parents health. And, now that I have decided this, I want it done. I really want someone to swoop in and take over. I love my baby, my bakery. I love all of my employees and my very faithful customers. Now, I need to love me. Now, I need to focus on my family. I need to do it before its too late. I have this ever pressing need to spend time with my mom and dad. To be there to do chores and take some of the hard work from them. I need to do that. I will do that. This is tearing me apart as well. I don’t know how much time my dad has left. He is not doing well and I love him. I want him to know how much he is loved.

My life is a maze, it feels like, but one that is changing with every turn. The walls move and some try to close in on me. I need to find my way out. I need to see the sun. I am glad I am not alone, but I feel alone in the worst way. I am my own worst enemy. I feel things that come out of the blue and have no reason to be there, but there they are! I know I am surrounded by friends and family, I know I am loved, but there is the demon that keeps making me feel sad. The one that says, you are fooling yourself. People dont like you. People want to use you. People dont care how you feel, or what you say. People pretend to be your friend. This demon is an asshole and I wish I could drain the life out of it and look it in the eyes when I did it.

I am surrounded and lonely, I am thankful and doubtful. All of my feelings contradict each other. Its all the same now. Im a yo-yo. sad