Slowing My Roll

29 Jun

As of yet, there is no fantastic cure for feeling like your head is about to explode, I mean, how much input can go in and be tossed around and worried about? You would be surprised! Anyhow, since the methods that I have been trying haven’t been working, I think it’s time to try something new. And something a little less destructive.

My husband is the real hero in this episode. He said to me the other day that he thought we were drinking too much and neither of us have been feeling that great. I completely agreed. Our sleeping is off and on, every other night it seems, we are not sleeping well and getting up at all hours. No good. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t expect to take care of our dependants either. Enough is enough.

I have been thinking really hard about taking in more nature, sunlight and just trying to sunrelax more in order to get some much needed rest for my mind. Vitamin D is a great source of natural anti-depressant. So, I vow to spend more time outside, to get more active with my children and to read more books. Once I get into a book, there is no stopping me!

I think that I drank about 14 glasses of water yesterday, I ate normally, which is pretty healthy and I spent the day cleaning my children’s rooms! What a task! My 7 year old’s room looked like three baskets of laundry exploded on his floor! It took me about 5 hours to clean everything! I won’t let that happen again! From now on I will check his room every day and make sure he is keeping up with everything. And to be honest, I felt really great after I had put away all of my kids clothes away and finished the ten  thousand loads of laundry! This is what I need. I need to fulfill my purpose as a mother, a wife and a friend. To do that I must take care of myself and just get through the day, as hard as it can be. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, actions and thoughts again. The never ending guilt and worry and all that goes with it, it is completely real, the feeling of defeat. The feeling that nothing will be right, or that something is wrong and you just can’t figure out what it is. The fear that you have said or done something wrong to someone and not knowing who or what it was. It is not easy to live with this. It’s even harder to live with when you drink. So, no more. Of course, it’s summer now and I will partake in a little bit of drinks now and then, but not every day. That being said, I never drank in excess when my kids were around. They are my first priority. Always.

I know now that I was going through a very very dark time and didn’t really know what to do. I am hoping now that is over. I will no longer cave in to my sorrows and try to cover them up, and by covering them up, I was only feeding them more. I know that now.

kid tieI vow, I will spend time at the beach, having picnics and playing frisbee and baseball with my family. I will drink water in excess and alcohol minimally, I will soak up the sun and tend to my new garden that I  just revamped in my front yard. I will take on the task of putting my kids clothes away and not waiting for them to do it. I will spend time doing learning pages and crafts with my kids. I will try not to worry about the housework as much and worry more about feeding my kids with attention, education and physical activities.

I will make myself better. Until I can see a real doctor who knows about all of this, I will try to manage on my own. I will try to cure myself in every way that I can. I know I will have bad days, but I have to remind myself that it is just one day. That one day does not claim my entire week, month, year or life.

To those of you who know me personally, I thank you for the support you have given me thus far, and I also thank you for the support you will continue giving me during this time, it will be a struggle for me, just know, I know how much you give even when you are just asking me how I am doing or you come to see me just to give me a hug and let me know that you are there, or that you are dealing with the same things.

And now…… to live!

live

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2 Responses to “Slowing My Roll”

  1. grace to survive June 30, 2016 at 6:21 am #

    Alcohol is a tricky business. I don’t hear others talk about using it on blogs, or other substances, yet I’m sure many do. It works to numb out only too well. And can also be hereditary as is my case, so I have to be especially aware. Kudos for talking about it.

    Like

    • cakesandkids October 27, 2016 at 5:38 pm #

      I am just seeing all of the messages now! Thanks again for relating to my life. I want to put everything out there, it is very therapeutic.

      Liked by 1 person

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