Still Truckin’ Along

20 Jun

As you know, I have been having a rough go of it as of late. I want to try some different maiden trithings and see what best suits me to deal with this awful disorder. Obviously, I hate it, I hate what it does to me and in turn what it does to my friends and family. But, I am not ashamed. I am telling you right now, like I have told anyone else who reads my words that I put out there. If my words can reach even one person who either has this or something like it, or it reaches someone who has a loved one who suffers from it, I have done my job. Information is power.

My struggle is uniquely mine….my  demons are my own. I do not speak for all, but for some, it’s close.

I was on a pill and a half of Cipralex, which is a very common drug for anyone with anxiety to be on. It worked at first, then it went downhill from there. I started feeling nausea, I broke out in a terrible hive/rashy thing, and I started back with the things that clued me in to my anxiety in the first place, like holding my breath, clenching my jaw, and worrying all the time. Soooooo….. I decreased my dosage by half a pill, it’s been a month or so, and already my hive/rashy thing is almost gone! Yay! But, that’s only a smidge of the battle!

I still have to find a way to decrease my anxiety before it escalates. Depression sneaks in there, without my permission!!! Damn depression. It rears its ugly head some of the time. On those dark days, the best place to be is in my bed, covers, Netflix and my phone. Maybe a book if I want to fall asleep in five minutes! I have had a couple of days like those. And, I have made my husband stay in the same room as me. I don’t want to talk, I just want him there. It’s a security thing, or a trust thing, I don’t know what kind of “thing” it is, I just want him there. So, he does, and he reads or writes or studies. But he is there for me. That helps tremendously!

beehiveSo, anyways, I still have to lose this disgusting fat that has been acquiring on my bones since I started these dreaded pills. It’s a never ending circle of worry and anxiety! Pills for the anxiety I am feeling please! Thanks! I feel great! What’s this? 10, 20, 30 extra pounds? Oh shit, now I am really fat, now I need to buy clothes….I shouldn’t be buying myself clothes, my kids need more of anything at all, I shouldn’t spend money on myself! Oh no, now I have nothing to wear and I am a fatty, I look like shit, every body can see my weight gain, people will think I am a slob and lazy and that I don’t eat right, Oh God! I have to pick up the  kids from school and my kids are the one with the fat mom! Oh Man! I wonder if my husband is still attracted to me? Is my mom keeping in comments of my weight gain to be nice? My jaw hurts…why? Oh! I have been clenching it again! Oh no, I can’t take a deep breath! Ahhh!!! My kids, my kids, my kids.

This is my head on a normal day now.

Not fun in the slightest.

The real me, is way  different. I am really an easy going person…and when this stupid freaking disorder gets in the way, it’s very very annoying!

I am a very light hearted, fun, bratty, obnoxious, generous person. Really! I believe in hippyequality for ALL, I don’t like hatred towards anyone, it’s all peace and love, not war in my brain of brains! I don’t push my children to like “boy” toys, I am fine if my son wants to wear pink or purple or play with dolls. I will be fine if my kids like the same sex when they know who they are. Everyone should be true to who they really are. My husband calls me a new age hippie! Ha ha!

I like that side of me. That is a peaceful person to be. I want to be her all the time. Damnit, I really wish I could. But when that anxiety S.O.B. shows  up, it’s not so peaceful! It’s war in my head, war with myself at every moment. The anxiety wants me to panic and worry about everything. Some things deserve to be worried over, but not like this. It’s almost like that special part of you that has common sense to worry about something has gone whack-a-do and is now freaking over everything……unreasonable worry that is quite out of control.

For now though, I do what I have to. My brain is tired from all the running around it’s doing. My body wants to follow suit and be tired too, but  I try to fight that. I gotta keep truckin! Gotta keep goin. I  really don’t know what to try next though. Alcohol seems to do the trick….if I am having a couple of glasses….it’s after that, where it can turn a little sideways. These drugs should not be mixed with alcohol, it has adverse side effects, like memory loss and black outs. Not good. I can’t wait to see a doctor who knows all about this. Someone who knows that mental disorders are real and know how to treat them properly. Mental disorders are the second class citizens of the medical world.

On that note, I must tend to the cupcakes. Toodaloo!




2 Responses to “Still Truckin’ Along”

  1. Elaine October 26, 2016 at 8:32 pm #

    Amy I love your blog , you write beautifully and I can relate so much …can’t take a deep breath , clenching jaw . I wish you all the best in getting healthy and finding happiness ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • cakesandkids October 27, 2016 at 5:36 pm #

      Thank you so much Elaine! The reason I do it is so people know they are not alone. Thank you for sharing your appreciation for my writing….it really means a lot. Feel free to share this blog post to anyone you might think could relate and feel at ease reading it!


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