What Now?

6 Jun

fed upIt’s been a rough go lately. I mean, real rough.

I was going to therapy, and apparently I have more issues than just the sexual assault that has had a big effect on me and has made a giant mark on the anxiety issue that I have. Anxiety and depression is an evil that has been spread throughout my family tree, and I do not want it to go any further. Good luck huh?

Well, I have been on some anti-depressants for a while now and they were working for a while. The doc had to increase my dose and then I started feeling the old feelings again. Then, I developed a rash that has invaded my legs and arms. Not only did the medication make me gain weight which I can’t seem to shake, it has made me even more depressed with the rash and weight issue. meds

So, where do I go from here? 20-30 pounds heavier, agitated, rashy, hot and uncomfortable….. what else? Apparently alcohol therapy hasn’t been working either! Ha Ha!!!

So, I went to the doctor, who….really, could care less! I have a rash, he asks if I have fleas and scabies! Really? I look those up….the rash looks nothing like scabies and I know its not fleas. He wants to send me to a dermatologist, which he says, will take me anywhere from one and half to two years to get into….yeah….thanks. So, I ask him if there is some sort of cream I can get to clear it up….cream? you want the cream? Okay! He says and writes me a prescription. Seriously????? What the @#% is that? Am I just a cheque for him? He asks no questions and acts so non chalant about it all, I want to scream.

So, now, through encouragement of my very close friend and ally in anxiety; Nicole, I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. Enough of this bullshit. I really need to talk to someone who knows the mental health field and can discern what is wrong and properly diagnose me. No more guessing.

I am a little relieved to have that coming, to know I will be able to talk to someone, and get proper medication for me, and not have allergic reactions.I still have to deal with this very annoying day to day stuff.

I look at pictures of my children that are sitting on my desk and I think that they deserve perfect
so much better. I feel bad that I have to go through this with them here to witness. I wonder what kind of effect it will have on them in the future. Are they going to be more understanding? Are they going to develop the same thing? Can I prevent it?

I love them, I tell them everyday. I hug them and play with them and laugh with them, I am doing the best job that I can, but I still feel like they deserve better. Maybe that is just being a mother. It is very hard to distinguish a normal feeling to a paranoid and anxious feeling when you have GAD. Not until you talk to others, can you really desipher whether you are having a “normal” reaction or not.

I might just have to wean myself off of these drugs and wait until I see the psychiatrist to get new medications. Until then, I will be back where I started. I don’t know if that will help, but anything is better than the way I feel now. It’s like the meds have only created weight gain and rashes and the good normal feeling that I once had when I first started taking them is gone.

What to do? What Next? now what

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